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Infertility

Our Infertility Support forum is a space to connect with others in the same position, discuss causes, treatment and IVF, and share infertility stories of hope and success.

Original poster

Run out of tears. Positive stories & UnMN hug DESPERATELY needed please

106 replies

ilikecooking · 30/03/2013 06:44

Does anyone have a positive story to share with me please?

Battled with & overcome eating disorder of 32 years to be fit enough to have a happy healthy pregnancy which on its own took all my strength, willpower & every ounce of emotion out of me.

I've left it so late that the ultrasound for IVF egg collection has showed I only have one follicle. As if that isn't bad enough, it's so small that they think it doesn't contain any eggs.

I'm so stupid. If I'd have dealt with the eating disorder sooner rather than bury it I would have been ok. Previous tests from a decade showed that.

Does anyone have any experience of conceiving via egg donation? Or do you have any positive stories about conception from only one follicle?

Or even if you have a spare unMN hug going. Every time I think I've run out of tears, the waterfalls start again.

Hope you are having a happy Easter with lots of good eggs.xx

OP posts:
rabbitonthemoon · 13/04/2013 18:56

But that could just be uterine expansion. Or progesterone effects. I really think you just can't tell. You haven't let anyone down, making a baby is never just down to one person, even though we often feel it as the woman. It's no ones fault, it just is what it is. I often beat myself up that my ed ruined my eggs. But I don't know that and I can't rewind time. And for all that anorexia was awful, the recovery process has made me who I am today. My amh will be in the next few months. I know it will be poor, so taking it as a given.

What are you doing for the rest of the wait - lots of distractions?

MewlingQuim · 13/04/2013 19:01

Hi cooking

During my 2we after ICSI I remember crying on DH wailing that it hadn't worked and I felt just like I did when my period was due....

DD is currently jumping up and down on DH's lap Grin

My fingers are crossed for you x

MewlingQuim · 13/04/2013 19:02

*2ww

Original poster
ilikecooking · 13/04/2013 19:03

I return to work on Monday on a part-time basis, doing a total of 20 hours through to Friday.

DH just rang & he's on his way home. He really loves me.

Rabbit, you sound so strong, mentally as well as physically now. Well done to you, too!

Mewling - thankyou. Does DH have bruises?!

OP posts:
rabbitonthemoon · 13/04/2013 19:19

Glad your dh is on the way home, he sounds like a good egg and I'm glad you have really good support. Keep us posted - tomorrow is a new day.

hopethesnowgoessoon · 13/04/2013 21:44

Hi Cooking - try and stay positive there are lots of people all wishing you the best. You will get your good and bad days in the 2ww x take care and be strong

OpheliasWeepingWillow · 13/04/2013 21:54

Please don't despair! Please!

Ok, if it hasn't worked then there are options.

Have you looked at egg donation via Spanish clinics? Egg donors much more plentiful there for various cultural / social reasons.

You are still young. I saved for 10 years for IVF - I promise you have not exhausted all avenues yet. Really.

Don't dwell on your ED. I had a BMI of 15 when I had IVF which is not something I am proud of but I know that is not the cause of my infertility. Don't blame yourself if the outcome is not positive.

FWIW I had terrible period pain in my TWW. Was dd just nestling in.

I truly feel that this is for you the beginning of something and not the end whatever the pregnancy result.

Envy
rabbitonthemoon · 14/04/2013 07:26

Just leaving you a little message for when you check in, hoping you feel a bit better.

Ophelia, lovely message.

Original poster
ilikecooking · 14/04/2013 07:34

I'm here. Winding myself up still. Sore eyes, skin on nose now stinging through salty waterfalls.

I tested this morning...far too early as I'm only on day 9 after the transfer but just need to face it as I couldn't have another day of wondering.

I underestimated this entire 2ww thing. I don't know how I'm going to be with my boss tomorrow. She doesn't know what's happened & she's so lovely that she'll guess something is wrong just by looking at me!

I don't mind it being negative, thankyou for pointing out options, this isn't necessarily about me. I do feel like I've wasted money that family gave me to fund the IVF & that maybe the hospital were right after all. They DID say there was a 97% chance of failure, I was just so stubborn at trying to prove them wrong.

Typical of me, bull in a china shop. Anyway, DH is home today which is good. I will research into egg donation today.

Thankyou for checking on me. I hope you are ok.x

OP posts:
rabbitonthemoon · 14/04/2013 07:48

It was brave of you to test. And yes, it is early but the power of the pee stick is strong. I'm not sure if anything could show up yet? You need a day that distracts you, I hope that's possible. Try not to let guilty feelings creep in. You made the decision that felt right at that time and if you hadn't tried you would have always wondered. I'm having iui knowing it raises my chances very little - I just need to try it before moving to ivf. Sometimes we need to challenge the stats to know that following choices feel right.

Bakingnovice · 14/04/2013 07:50

Oh cooking don't give up yet. I'll be thinking of you today. Orphelia is right, this is just the start of your journey.

PointlessCow · 14/04/2013 09:05

Don't give up yet. Fingers tightly crossed for you. x

Andcake · 14/04/2013 10:02

Stay strong. An early test is always so tempting. I think being back at work will help keep your mind off things a bit - it always helped me. As for period symptoms for all my successful and unsuccessful pregnancies I had a variety of scenarios - no symptoms, symptoms of periods -with the successful one I had period back ache for a week and was waiting for it to arrive- convinced. I only tested as I was about to do an intense workout class and my period was only one day late.
Even if this one is not your baby we luckily live in an age where there are other choices. I explored the Spanish donor route even speaking and emailing clinics. Maybe researching or doing that might take your mind off it whilst you wait to see if you've beaten he odds.
On the ed side I think we all have things in our life where we think if only - for one I smoked when I was younger, wasted a lot of time trying to get over my abusive first husband, unfortunately I think it's just called life :-)

fijamez · 14/04/2013 10:40

cooking - early testing is tempting (my OTD was 19 days post ET!!) but try to distract yourself and dont give up hope. I was so convinced my AF was coming , pains etc that I went and got my hair coloured to cheer myself up and actually was pg.

Trying to symptom spot doesnt help - would you have any if you were 2 weeks pregnant through natural conception - i didnt really get any until almost 12 weeks (and spent all my time stressing this meant something was wrong)

keep doing what you are doing in terms of staying positive until you have a real answer.

Take care of your self

essexmumma · 14/04/2013 11:03

Cooking you sound a brave, strong, lovely lady. It's natural to symptom spot, don't bear your self up for doing things everyone does. Time is awfully slow sometimes but it will soon be time to know. Keep strong x

Original poster
ilikecooking · 15/04/2013 09:30

Just to say thankyou for taking the time to talk to me.

Am soooo tired, struggling to keep eyes open. I'm returning to work this afternoon...it could go one of two ways...a great distraction or I break down.

Must be strong...I AM WARRIOR WOMAN!
(According to Rabbit!)

OP posts:
DomesticCEO · 15/04/2013 09:38

Hi cooking, another here who had poor response on IVF and ended up with only one egg. I can still remember the hell of the 2ww.

I just dropped my one egg off to school for his 3rd term in reception Smile.

Good luck x

PointlessCow · 15/04/2013 18:14

I have a positive story.

I knew a couple with male issue infertility problems. Their first ICSI was successful - they had a lovely girl. They then fell pregnant naturally twice within 3 months (miscarried the first natural pregnancy). They now have two beautiful DDs.

Don't lose heart.

PointlessCow · 16/04/2013 11:47

You okay, warrior woman?

Original poster
ilikecooking · 16/04/2013 13:08

Hi Cow - I think you should change your name (unless you are relating it to someone you know!)

I really really don't want to test. There isn't one bit of me that feels there is something living in me. I think it died on Saturday as that was such a bad day.

I had my last acupuncture today. It just felt pointless (no pun intended).

I was so positive at the start, I overcame every obstacle but I'm just not feeling 'it' this week. In my head I've given up. Seeing the one line will break me. At the moment there's that miniscule piece of hope.

Thankyou for asking - so sweet of you. Thankyou also to the other MNers that have taken the time to care.
xx

OP posts:
DomesticCEO · 16/04/2013 13:29

Ilike, I really really feel for you Sad. I remember it like it was yesterday and it was truly awful.

I really hope you're mistaken about the negative test but I can remember the fear of testing at all x

rabbitonthemoon · 16/04/2013 13:54

Keep going warrior lady. I keep checking in to see how you are.

PointlessCow · 16/04/2013 18:36

I really think you can convince yourself of anything symptoms-wise - positive or negative depending on your mood.

Perhaps you are reading too much into your feelings as a way of protecting yourself. And that is perfectly natural under the circumstances. I'll be thinking of you.

Original poster
ilikecooking · 18/04/2013 09:09

Hello....OP here.

Thankyou for support & kind words....I really appreciated reading them, they were a great help. I have an update....

A brief summary for anyone doubting themselves who doesn't want to read my previous posts:

Hospital said they would only give me one attempt at IVF due to my AMH levels (0.57) Hospital asked me multiple times to cancel cycle while we were in it. Hospital said 3% chance of retrieving just one egg, 97% chance of no eggs. I overcame an eating disorder (so far!) The cysts I needed to vanish went without medical intervention, I responded very poorly to stims & produced only one egg.

BUT we DID IT. We defied the medics, we went through hell & back emotionally.

Grin IVF WORKED!! Grin We beat the odds!

If I can do it, YOU can do it.
xx

OP posts:
HousewifeFromHeaven · 18/04/2013 09:22

Congratulations op, I'm very pleased for you Grin