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Original poster

Pushy parents would do better to focus on their relationship...

37 replies

wonderingwondering · 07/02/2010 17:18

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/7180661/Pushy-parents-should-devote-less-time-to-their-children-and-more- to-their-marriage.html

Here.

I agree. I see lots of parents spending their evenings and entire weekends ferrying their young children to clubs, parties and so on. And I think - when do they do their own thing, and have their own family time?

And I see the older generation devoting themselves to running the lives of their adult children (under the guise of 'helping out' ), rather than focussing on their own lives and relationship, and leaving their adult children to make their own decisions and way in life.

Why is the view expressed in this article said to be contraversial? I can see the ' I love my husband more than my kids' might be seen as provocative, but that's not the main point of the article, I don't think.

OP posts:
emkana · 07/02/2010 18:33

I don't agree at all. My parents were certainly not shy to put their own interests and needs first, and made it clear that they were each other's "Number 1", very happily married, and it made me feel rejected and often quite lonely.

I'm actively trying to give my children a different childhood experience. I try not to be a "helicopter" though.

Original poster
wonderingwondering · 07/02/2010 18:45

But isn't that just the other extreme? The article seems to suggest (although the quotes at the end are slightly odd) that parents today focus on entertaining their children and ferrying them around, leaving very little free time for themselves, their own interests, and general family life.

OP posts:
BitOfFun · 07/02/2010 18:50

I have just read an article about the same thing on the Guardian site. There is something in it, I reckon.

emkana · 07/02/2010 18:52

Is there a link bitoffun?

BitOfFun · 07/02/2010 18:57

Here

MillyMollyMoo · 07/02/2010 19:09

It's about balance though isn't it, some people devote every waking hour to their children and every spare penny. You can love and support your child whilst having a healthy marriage and your own interests.

piscesmoon · 07/02/2010 19:15

I agree with MillyMollyMoo, it is all about balance-either extreme is wrong, it needs to be somewhere in the middle. DCs need to know that they come first sometimes, e.g. you go on a child friendly holiday, if they want to belong to a football team you get them to training and matches etc. At the same time you need to get out alone-trust babysitters, let them have sleepovers, stay with grandparents etc.

wastwinsetandpearls · 07/02/2010 19:17

I agree with the article, although I have only skim read it.

Dp and I used to pour all of our energy and finances into dd, we never did anything for ourselves and never had any time on our own. It was one of a myriad of factors that lead to use briefly parting.

By wanting to do the best for her we were actually making dd unhappy. We were both ignored by our parents as children, our actions were clearly a backlash to that.

Of course we still do things for dd but we do things ourselves as well.

Original poster
wonderingwondering · 07/02/2010 19:19

I think the approach that seems to be quite common today - of lots of activities, and prioritising the childrens' social lives - does result in the parents' lives (either individually or as a couple) suffering.

For example, it is quite common where I live for 5 and 6 year olds to have after school clubs three nights a week, plus sports clubs on Saturday and/or Sunday. Plus parties and so on. And all these arrangements take priority over what the parents might choose to do.

Whereas my parents would take me swimming if there was time, but if they had something on, then I had to miss it, or if the Saturday morning birthday party wasn't convenient for them, I didn't go.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 07/02/2010 19:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
wonderingwondering · 07/02/2010 19:22

LadyintheRadiator, the 'then what' often seems to be hanging around in the lives of adult children. Which I don't think is a good thing, either.

Being on hand to help is one thing, but there seems to be a tendency to be 'the parent' even into the child's adult life. Whereas the generation before were, I think, too 'old' and probably too poor, to be as dominant as some parents of adults seem to be nowadays.

OP posts:
emkana · 07/02/2010 19:35

At this stage in my children's lives (they are 8, 6 and 3) the weekends and afternoons after school are for me largely about them. They want me there, I want to be there, can't see anything wrong with it. I still have the evenings to do what I like, and sometimes at the weekend dh and I give each other time off, and of course at the weekend we do have downtime moments where I might go on MN or read the paper or something. But generally yes, my life revolves around my children. The way I see it they will grow up and lead their own lives soon enough, and I'll have plenty of time for my interests and activities then.

cory · 07/02/2010 21:19

Have slightly different take on it from emkana. Dh and I have also wanted to spend a lot of our weekends and afternoons with dcs, but don't think it has to be about them all the time. Sometimes it's them having to trundle off to the art gallery for an exhibition I want to see, or out somewhere to follow an interest of dh's. Not everything children do has to be child centered.

violethill · 08/02/2010 06:36

I entirely agree with that cory. Children are part of a family, and the most helpful way to guide them towards being emotionally healthy, reslient and happy teenagers and adults, is to give them your love, time and attention without making them the entire focus of your life.

I also agree generally with the article that parents who rush around doing 'child centred' things all the time are often the ones who lack any other focus. They tend to neglect their own relationship with their partner, or their own interests. And yes, it can lead to that dreadful helicopter parenting.

Fine to enjoy spending time with your kids, but they need to learn that they aren't the centre of the Universe - it does them no favours to think either parents life is devoted 100% to them.

Laquitar · 08/02/2010 07:10

Well i 'm not sure about the after school activities because between 4pm and 6 pm in most cases at least one parent is at work so they wouldn't spend the afternoon together as a couple anyway. As for birthday parties you cannot really avoid them, can you?

But i totally agree with cory. The term 'child centered' i think is missunderstood in this country. It doesn't mean being scared to do any adult stuff with Dcs and spending your entire life visiting the zoo and eating in Girrafe Caffe! In fact in child centered countries there are not many so called 'family places'.

l39 · 08/02/2010 07:44

BBC1 Breakfast are on about it right now.

'Happy parents, happy children' they say and 'Do you think parents have children to meet their emotional needs?'

Of course I had children to meet my emotional needs, I'm not a computer and there is no shortage of children to carry on the species! And I see it quite the other way round, - Happy children will lead to happy parents! They're taking it out of context and not talking about pushy parents but all of us (sigh) The last thing a lot of people need is to be told to give their children less attention. (We do the absolute minimum of afterschool activities.)

piscesmoon · 08/02/2010 08:05

An excellent post violethill. I always cringe when people say 'I am devoted to my DCs' it puts such a burden on the DC IMO. I get amazed at the number of people who simply won't go out if they have no family near to babysit-and then see it as a virtue.
Childhood is short-you blink and it is gone! You are then left with your partner and it would be easy to find that the only thing that you have in common is the DCs. As in all things it needs balance and it isn't good to live through your DCs or see them as an extension of yourself.

BigTillyMint · 08/02/2010 08:15

What a load of tosh.

How is ferrying your child to a lesson / club, leaving them at it, then returning for them at the end, giving them too much attention?

My DD is currently begging to let her do more hours at one of her clubs - that is hardly us being pushy or devoting too much time to her. Quite the opposite - it gives us more time on our own.

The parents who won't leave their children with someone else whilst they go out are the ones who are ruining their relationship.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2010 08:26

I don't think that it what it means BigTillyMint! That is what parents need to do if a DC has an interest that needs to be fostered. It comes from your DD.
There are many parents who decide that they want their DC to be a sporting star and the drive comes from them, they not only take them to the club but stay the whole time because they need to encourage their DC (who probably didn't want to go in the first place) and no one can be trusted to look after their 'little darling'.
It is attitude -more than what you do. The idea that your DC can't have relationships which exclude you, can't be allowed to be bored and never have to put anyone else first.It is they type of person who won't let their DD go on Brownie camp because they don't know Brown Owl well enough and DD can't be trusted to apply sun cream without Mum.

piscesmoon · 08/02/2010 08:27

the type -not they type- sorry.

TheElephantInTheRoom · 08/02/2010 08:43

oh god
another thing we have to worry about

piscesmoon · 08/02/2010 08:58

I don't think it is anything to worry about. It is just the normal give and take of family life and sometimes the DCs need to be the ones to give.
It doesn't happen all the time and some parents put themselves very firmly first and the poor DCs have to fit in.
It is only a question of getting moderation and the middle ground-as in all things e.g. diet.

SarahMumtoAlex · 08/02/2010 09:08

Its no surprise that this article was in the telegraph. One of the unforseen changes which feminism brought was a shift from Husband as centre of the family (dinner on the table, bring me my slippers) to children (mum's taxi) Women working in the home are now 'stay at home mums' rather than 'house wifes' As many posters have said, there can be some real benefits in this both for everyone, though balance is important. The controversial quote is 'I love my husband more than my kids' And who does the man in this model love most?

Ivykaty44 · 08/02/2010 09:14

Balance of anything would be good.

What do you do though if you are on your own? If the other parent has died or dissapeared - what then?

fembear · 08/02/2010 09:15

"It is only a question of getting moderation and the middle ground-as in all things."

Don't be silly, pisces. This man has a theory to espouse and a book to sell. Common sense like that could ruin his career.