Pushy parents would do better to focus on their relationship...

[wonderingwondering]

www.telegraph.co.uk/family/7180661/Pushy-parents-should-devote-less-time-to-their-children-and-more- to-their-marriage.html

Here.

I agree. I see lots of parents spending their evenings and entire weekends ferrying their young children to clubs, parties and so on. And I think - when do they do their own thing, and have their own family time?

And I see the older generation devoting themselves to running the lives of their adult children (under the guise of 'helping out' ), rather than focussing on their own lives and relationship, and leaving their adult children to make their own decisions and way in life.

Why is the view expressed in this article said to be contraversial? I can see the ' I love my husband more than my kids' might be seen as provocative, but that's not the main point of the article, I don't think.

TBH I think an early bedtime is far more important for dc - as it gives a parent or parents time to themselves in the eve.

'What do you do though if you are on your own? If the other parent has died or dissapeared - what then? '

I was a widow with a baby and I worked really hard to have a life of my own. One mother and DS can be too intense and not healthy for either. I made sure that he stayed with grandparents, had his own friends, I found babysitters and went out.
I agree fembear-common sense would ruin careers! He doesn't need a book-just one statement-moderation in all things!
Getting up to make your 3 yr old toast at 3am because the 3 yr old feels a bit peckish isn't moderation-in that instance the 3 yr old could be told that mummy is asleep they will have to wait for breakfast! (The general trend on that particular thread was that of course mummy should get up and serve toast!!!The fact that she had to be up at 6.30am for work didn't matter!)

I'm very dubious about the wisdom of lots of structured, school-like activities for children at weekends and/or late into the evening. While it is important to develop skills and hobbies, it is also vital for children to have plenty of their own interrupted time and space to do their own thing, or they will indeed grow up unable to imagine their own entertainments and will become dull and demanding adults.

the thing is piscesmoon - not every one has the option of babysitters or grandparents - then reports like this one end up putting the parent down and making them worry that they are damaging their children. When infact those parents are doing the best they can and are probably good parents.

It is though only views - there is no proff that the child is damaged - it is pure views that something will or might happen. there is no knowledge of the actual damage that happens if you are a pushy parent or difined laws of what makes a pushy parent.

the last paragrpah suggest that it would be good if they had proof once and for all.

It really gets my goat when there are wonderful parnets out there millions of wonderful parents on this site - lets celevrate that. The press are often finding ways of putting parents down, loving parents who try to do the best for their children are constantly battling against reports like this which have no fact within them.

Press bash parents, and here is a really good example of that bashing.

Bonsoir, I agree with you that there seems to be too much emphasis on structured activity. I see 6 year olds spending all their free time in sports clubs, being 'taught'. And I do think that if they want to play football 6 days a week, then fine. Put them in the garden and let them kick a ball around. It doesn't (and shouldn't) have to involve being coached all the time.

And Ivykate, I do agree that the press seem to like to criticise parenting (the articles get a reaction if nothing else!). But sometimes, articles, comments on here, etc, make you step back and think. It is easy to get drawn in to what everyone else is doing - the manic afterschool club round, the 'whole class' parties every weekend. And that's not always the best thing to be doing, for the children or the parents.

agree with anna

the prob is though if you have a kid who loves sport and gets to a high level at it.
ds2 is already at pre season cricket training and did it yest after 3 hours of rugby
never happier!

There is always a way around the babysitting. I advertised and got 2 lovely 6th formers. Later on when I remarried I had a single parent friend who couldn't afford to do that and so I babysat at night for her in return for her having mine in the daytime. Grandparents weren't local, it meant driving 60 miles and leaving DS, or having grandparents to stay in my house. A lot of people won't entertain 'a stranger'(even though everyone is a stranger until you know them)or they don't want ILs in the house while they are not there, so they insist on never going out and then hold it up as a virtue-as in 'my DS is 7yrs and I have never left him'!
The press always bash parents! It wasn't pleasant being a widow and having it rammed down your throat that DCs suffer without a father!
Most parents are doing a great job-but that isn't news! Ignore it all and stick to a middle line.
DCs need to be bored-it is the best thing you can do for them. They don't need to be occupied from dawn to dusk and taken from activity to activity. If they are a good cricketer etc and get to a high level that needs a lot of running around-that is entirely different-it is child led and they need the support. It is very different than the parent wanting to produce a good cricketer because they would have liked to have been one.

Its about looking at what's best for your family and thats both the adults and the children..

and children do not need to be entertained all the time its ok if they use their imagination once in a while or just ride their bikes around the park.

family time is important, also individual time as adults and as a couple.

imo some people do believe once you have children you have no time of your own and if you even contemplate it you are not a good parent...case in point my mother..about twice a year I like to book a weekend away with my DH at a hotel its always very cheap (£10/20 a night) and just a couple of days without the kids just to veg out and be together...but she is upset that we do this and really cant understand why we do it she has commented in the past 'why do you do that?,I never did that when I was with your dad'..she is very reluctant to babysit,but then has issues about who we choose care for the children???..we take the children out regularly cinema,resturants,swimming etc and on holiday every year to Butlins...but apparently going away together is a no no?

I think its important to work on your realtionships with everyone in your family, time spent alone with your partner is good for everyone.

pisces, I see what you mean. Luckily I haven't encountered too many of that type of parent!

Ivykaty too right! And children need chill-out (reading as they get older ) time away from their parents

wondering, that's all very well if you HAVE a garden. When it's a choice between standing in the park for hours on end (and there's not enough kids to play a proper match),and letting them join a football club where you can drop them off, the club wins hands down.

mumcentre I agree, it's about getting a balance for everyone in the family!

BigTilly, I do take the point about having a garden - my point is really more about the young children (who are too young to be budding sport stars) when the parents stay with them. But the principle is that children ought to be left to their own devices for at least some of the time.

Mumcentreplus, my own mother is the same about my (once in a blue moon) weekends away without the children - very disapproving! We generally take our children everywhere - theatre, exhibitions, galleries, trips to Paris. But it is so nice to be able to get away a couple of times a year, just the two of us. But that is somehow frowned upon as not being 'committed' enough. But I think if you can do it (I have handy in-laws) it really does make a better family life - happy, contented parents, rather than them feeling completely stressed out from child-activity overload. Honestly, who enjoys hanging around freezing cold football pitches then racing home to prepare a speedy dinner for the rest of the family, four nights out of five?

I whinge about the after school clubs but quite like the rush rush rush really. I like keeping busy though and the kids get dragged along with that. I must be a pushy parent - read the guardian article and had revelatory moment - but I'm pushy and proud . we don't do babysitters much - can't be bothered tbh, I'd rather stay in, have a curry, get pissed and have a few very rude moments with dh instead - better than a night sat across a noisy pub table and having to rush back for 10.30 and the babysitters bedtime! it's hardly forever is it - when they're in their teens they'll be out half the night and we can do what we want. right now, we have time to ourselves from 8 to midnight every night - so 4 hours a day - more than I see the kids some days

think article is ridiculous

and don't get me started on someone who loves their dh more than the kids

well...i'm a new parent so i dont have much expereince but...when i was little my mum had lots going on in her life that didn't involve me - evening classes, wi, volunteer stuff which increased when i was a bit older and didnt need a babysitter. i think this helped me always recognise my mum as an adult/individual in her own right - i tell my mum everything but don't expect her to tell me everything iyswim. i am v close emotionally to my mum but very independent in the practical sense - her having a life did me good rather than harm.

dh on the other hand....his parents dedicated every single waking minute to their 5 dcs to the point they all openly admit that my late mil didn't have a scrap of social life of her own and was quite isolated outside the family. my fil who has been widowed a while now has recently started a relationship with someone he has known for years and is much happier/goes out plenty/is much healthier. dh and his siblings who i should add range in age from 38 to 50 cannot handle this at all and are very spoilt and childish imo about fil daring to have a new life. i have tried to reason with dh about this, saying that it is not unreasonable for fil, at the age of 68, to make osme decisions about his life without consulting his grown up children but they cannot accept this and often say 'oh but why arn't we enough for him??'

so yeh...in the long term i think its better to have some distance from the role of a parent now and then....its a role, a big one..but its not the only one we all have.

hope that made sense