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Original poster

Not allowing Dads in the delivery room?

53 replies

Chulita · 26/11/2009 07:23

The BBC was just talking to a man who was saying that men get in the way and that if we just got all the men out of the delivery room, labour would be easier and simpler. Can't find a link but grr! I wouldn't want to have had DD without DH around, if they banned him I'd have the baby at home!

OP posts:
Original poster
Chulita · 26/11/2009 07:25

here

OP posts:
CarmenSanDiego · 26/11/2009 07:34

I think there's SOME truth in this, that an overanxious husband can really inhibit the woman, and in some relationships, the woman might be unhappy with her husband seeing her grunt/poo/push the baby out.

That said, my dh has been present at all by births.

At the last birth, I had a doula (midwife brought her along, I didn't book her) and it really was wonderful. DH could take more of a back seat and relax. He was there, but the pressure was off him.

I really think a doula helps the dynamic - ideally, she is a calming influence on both husband and wife. A husband is bound to be worried about his wife and not likely to be familiar with the birth process. He may well listen to doctors and beeping monitors rather than his partner and he may well be saying 'Should she be doing that? Is that normal?' and be very anxious about seeing her in pain and pushing for unnecessary pain relief when the woman is actually coping quite well.

These are generalisations, but I do think there is some truth here. Rather than getting the husband out though, I say bring in a doula.

CarmenSanDiego · 26/11/2009 07:34

(And by husband, I also mean partner etc.)

Original poster
Chulita · 26/11/2009 07:43

Yea, I'd agree with that. I suppose it very much depends on a. the relationship and b. how good the partner is with blood/pain etc. Rather than a blanket 'no dads because they slow things down' perhaps we should try and take the pressure off dads feeling like they have to be there even if they don't want to.
I'd love to try a doula at my next labour, just don't think I can afford one!

OP posts:
ABetaDad · 26/11/2009 08:18

I got the distinct feeling I was being tolerated and beig patronised throughout the entire conception birth and anter natal process. I strongly suspected on many occasisons the medical professinals woudl rather I was not there.

I was nt in any sense an interfering Dad. No sitting in a birthing pool with DW joining in 3 choruses of whale song while ruubbng ginseng into her temples.

It was just a process that had to be got through with me being calm, responsive and supportive if my DW needed me. Otherwise not interfere.

Yes, if a Dad is bag of nerves who hates being at the birth than I am sure it would be better if he were not there and the woman choose a different birth partner. However, I think most medical professional would rather there was no Dad there asking qestions and witnessing what was going on.

CarmenSanDiego · 26/11/2009 08:24

Chulita, just as an aside, many doulas offer their services for free when they're training (And trainee ones are often pretty good as they're so enthusiastic!)

Original poster
Chulita · 26/11/2009 08:34

We ended up with emcs (and it wasn't DH's fault, DD was all tangled up) and the medical staff really kept DH involved. He wasn't cheering/chanting or anything like that, he was just there, held my hand and chatted when I needed it. During the cs he sat next to me and held my hand, just made me feel like I wasn't alone going through a horrible experience like that. I can see how some more dominant men could get in the way though.

How do you find trainee doulas then? I'll have to look into this!

LOL abd

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bogie · 26/11/2009 08:56

I loved having dp there both times (even if with dc1 I tried to hit him with my gas and air mouthpeice) I just needed someone else there! With dc2 we played yhatzee untill 1 hour before she came (I was induced so I was there for a while) and he also had a tv put in the room so he could watch the football whilst looking after me. I wouldn't have my mum or a friend I just wanted dp.

TheCrackFox · 26/11/2009 09:12

TBH in the very unlikely event that I have another baby I think I would leave DH at home. He was supportive(ish) but I spent a lot of time worrying about him because he is quite squeamish.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 26/11/2009 09:21

My dd was born by elective caeasarian and a general anaesthetic in Oman. DH wasn't allowed to be there (quite rightly) but, by the same token, wasn't told what was happening. I'd spoken to my obstetrician and she said that dh would be given dd as soon as possible and definitely within 30 minutes of her being born. DH was left in the dark for nearly two hours imagining that one of us was dead. They had actually disregarded the ob's instructions and taken dd away to be washed, dressed, nails cut etc. I would have much preferred to have an epidural, but couldn't trust the anaesthetist so consequently dh couldn't be with me which I would have liked.

deaddei · 26/11/2009 09:21

dh wasn't much use, and nearly collapsed when the placenta came out- he thought it was another baby.
He missed the 2nd birth, and it was quite nice, just me and the midwives.

Tortington · 26/11/2009 09:26

this is in the news every fucking week. what pisses me off - is that it wasn't exactly my idea of a great time

dh help make it - he can fucking well be there

Katz · 26/11/2009 09:28

i think the key phrase in his interview is this one

'the best environment I know for an easy birth is when there is nobody around the woman in labour apart from a silent, low-profile and experienced midwife," he says.'

it's not the presence of or lack of Dad but an experienced mid-wife in whom the mother trusts.

i'd say with both of my births, one fairly straight forward hospital birth the other an impromptu home birth which could have been very stressful. The presence of a calming, experienced midwife in whom i had built trust having seen her since 12 weeks pregnant was the key, not DH. His presence was needed for me for moral support and he was not in the way, he too had got to know our midwife and he trusted her too.

oranges · 26/11/2009 09:41

The problem is that women are not guaranteed the constant presence of a midwife in labour at hospitals at the moment. Keep the husband out, and many women would end up labouring alone.

Original poster
Chulita · 26/11/2009 09:48

Katz, you're spot on. I had a long labour and saw about 8 different midwives, none of which had seen me during my pregnancy. They were complete strangers and had no idea how my pregnancy had gone. Haven't someone you don't know at all telling you what to do when you're in labour isn't calming and encouraging in the slightest. I'm hoping next time round I get a midwife I get on with and trust, and that she's there for the birth!

OP posts:
cory · 26/11/2009 10:19

The one solution that doesn't seem to occur to anyone is asking individual women what they want in their own individual labours.

Oh no, it always has to be some expert telling them what they ought to want.

Personally, I would have hated being alone with a silent, low-profile, experienced midwife; I would have screamed the place down until they went and got my dh!

(In fact, he nearly did get left behind in the corridor during ds's caesarian and I insisted that somebody go and get him. They did.)

I am not a woman's woman and I hate the implication that because I am a woman I have to react in a certain way- feeling safer with a woman than a man. If I don't, then that's my call; I'm not going to start feeling a certain way just because others tell me so.

CatIsSleepy · 26/11/2009 10:23

dh was an invaluable support to me during both of my births, but especially so for dd1, who was born in hospital

couldn't have done without him, he was brilliant

cory's right-surely it's up to the individual what they want/need

thedollshouse · 26/11/2009 10:29

I just know that dh will end up being one of the over anxious types.

When I had ds there was a problem at 33 weeks and we were sent off to the hospital and told to be prepared to have a csection that day. When we got there the midwife said "try and relax and have a lie down on the bed" at which point dh promptly hopped onto the bed!

We had our 20 week scan for our second baby the other day and dh spent the entire time with his head in his hands because he was worried he couldn't see the baby moving.

I think if we are to have any chance of a normal labour I will have to send dh off to hypnotherapy classes or antenatal yoga or something to calm him down.

pupuce · 26/11/2009 12:19

Chulita

You can find doulas here:
doula.org.uk
douladirectory.co.uk

Plenty of trainees on both websites....
There is also a hardship fund via Doula UK for those who are on benefits... so they get a doula for free.

Someone told me that on the BBC this morning a woman said doulas charge £2000 that is NOT true!!!!! The vast majority of experienced doulas charge around £500... slightly more in London and less in Cornwall. They do antenatal visits, are on-call for 4 weeks (to come to the parents at ANY time of the day or night) and stay for hours - than can be 48!! in labour... and then they come and see mum and baby at home afterwards. The most expensive doula I came across charged £1000 and she said she did that because people were willing to pay that in West London.... but don't be fooled/... loads of excellent doulas charge FAR less!

From experience I can tell you, dads are over the moon with doulas... they don't always see the point before the birth (if it's their 1st baby)... but they sure do after the birth. A good doula will help dad enjoy the birth.

IMoveTheStarsForNoOne · 26/11/2009 12:25

it was my DP who kept me sane through the whole labour - he was truly amazing and I wouldn't have got through it as well as I did without him.

he stood up for me when I couldn't talk, he knew my opinions on certain procedures, we'd had long talks about the birth plan and what I would and wouldn't want to do.

Morloth · 26/11/2009 13:25

There doesn't need to be a rule. Couples should be capable of making this decision for themselves.

I wanted my DH there, he is part of me in many ways and it was something very intense and intimate that we shared together.

Could I have managed without him? Absolutely, but I want him.

BabyGiraffes · 26/11/2009 13:55

I don't like the pressure put on men to be present at the birth because for some it really is a bad idea. My dh was nowhere near because he is so squeamish he'd be traumatised for life! He was at work and I kept him updated via my mobile every so often...
As I was on my own the midwives were lovely and in the room all the time. Maybe they just feel they can nip out at any time if a woman has someone there anyway?
DH won't be anywhere near again when dc2 is born early next year and I wouldn't want it any other way!

Highlander · 26/11/2009 14:06

I was disgusted that I had to fight for DH to be allowed to stay with me 24/7 once DS2 was born. He's the father, not a bloody visitor

JustAnotherManicMummy · 26/11/2009 14:12

I personally liked having DH with me at the birth. There is no one else I'm close enough to that will tolerate me hissing at them "Get me some water please. Don't point the straw at my fucking eye I need it in my mouth. Do I look like I can just leap up 6 inches and catch it in my fucking mouth?" or "If you're not actually doing anything useful could you just go and sit on a chair in the living room? It's irritating me seeing you standing about"

And I had the same midwife beginning to end (homebirth) although I was 5cm dilated when I first met her and politely offered her a cup of tea (she was a guest afterall )

EccentricaGallumbits · 26/11/2009 14:13

I love Michel Odent. Bonkers but quite alot of his work makes sense.
As ususal with the press this is just a teensy weensy bit of a much huger more in depth piece.