"A man cannot be expected to support his wife if she is raped." Discuss

[dollius]

This made me shake with rage

here

dittany: "The number of false claims of rape are exactly the same as for any other type of crime. You do not get the same hysteria about false reporting for other types of crimes supposedly making things difficult for "real" victims." - Interesting point. Clearly, from this thread, people regard sexual violence very differently from non-sexual violence - I don't think there'd be any question of a man supporting his female partner if she'd been beaten up but not sexually assaulted. Also I find it hard to imagine a woman saying she'd struggle to give her full support if her male partner had been raped.

(by the way, howdy ABD! please don't read that comment as directed towards you - it wasn't)

I am shocked by some of the comments questioning the moral judgment of a woman who chooses to keep a baby that is the result of a rape. Does it not occur to you that perhaps the woman might see the child as an innocent victim of the rape, much as she is an innocent victim? I think I'm right in saying that in some countries rape victims are stoned to death as 'adulterers' . For some women, aborting such a baby may feel like the equivalent of her being stoned to death for having the temerity to be raped.

I honestly don't know what I would decide if I became pregnant as a result of rape; like dittany I imagine I would use a lot of denial to help me get through the trauma of the attack. I am ordinarily very anti-abortion for myself, but at various points in my life have had to challenge my views on whether or not I would be willing to have an abortion. I've never had one, but just the act of challenging my views has made me realise that these decisions are never black or white, and so to expect a rape victim to make a black/ white decision over what to do with the baby is at best naive.

On that basis, then, would you also object to the husband/partner requesting that the woman had an HIV test after rape?
Is a man so insignificant in a relationship that any input he has is deemed irrelevant and totally unacceptable?
It's nothing to do with society viewing a husband as owner of a woman as property and everything to do with people considering the feelings of everyone involved in such awful circumstances and there is no denyhing that the partners of rape victims, whether they be women or men, have a lot to cope with emotionally and this is being greatly underestimated in a lot of the posts.

"Is a man so insignificant in a relationship that any input he has is deemed irrelevant and totally unacceptable?"

Not at all.

But this man's input seems to have been all about his needs. Never mind the fact his wife has just been raped.

I mean, how could she be so selfish as to suppose her husband might put her needs first in this instance?

No, of course, a man's needs must always be prioritised, no matter the circumstances.

hang on. how has this gotten round to such a twisted agenda. the op story was about supporting not forcing. i8n a tragic situation like this, it is the individuals needs that need to be prioritised - and that means both the women and her male partner. His feelings are just as valid as hers - or isa it that he should be forced to swallow his feelings?

Well, the fact is that she pushed him but she didn't fight it, didn't want to report it, and decided to keep the baby.

She may have been scared but I think the husband would find those signals above quite disconcerting.

I don't think a man could be expected to make sense of that and raise such child. Unless he has some very strong pro life views and an unshakeable trust and love for his wife.

The thread isn't about if it is rape, thats a secondary discussion. The thread is about a partner supporting someone after, and in these specific cirfcumstances. If you are in a relationship and decide to have another mans baby - regardless of how you got pregnant - that is a huge issue for him to grapple with.

This is a couple issue, with individuals in that relationship - the woman was victimised by someone else, but not by her partner.

I couldn't agree more, Monkeytrousers.
The whole discussion was apparently centred around what should or shouldn't be expected of the husband/partner of someone in this situation.
To say it's completely unreasonable to label a man unsupportive and unloving just because he can't face the idea of raising the baby born of his wife's rape ordeal is naive. I would imagine even the most compassionate, loving and supportive husband would probably find that beyond him.

meant to say
To label a man unsupportive and unloving just because he can't face the idea of raising the baby born of his wife's rape ordeal is naive.
It's a massive thing to ask of someone.

your deliberately provocative title doesn't reflect the article

or the deep issues it explores

maybe when you have finished shaking give it another read