"A man cannot be expected to support his wife if she is raped." Discuss

[dollius]

This made me shake with rage

here

I disagree that my post was a kneejerk response. What you said was stupid and offensive and if you didn't expect people to think so and say it then you are being obtuse and/or disingenuous.

Most women, I would be so bold as to suggest, know the difference between being raped and having a fling and don't routinely make false allegations.

IMO it is difficult to understand why any rape victim would keep a baby conceived as a result of that rape because that baby is a product of the attack - a part of the rapest.

Instinctively one imagines that a woman who is raped would want to distance herself as far as possible from her rapest in order to help her to come to terms with the rape, but to carry, give birth to and raise a child born out of rape in a loving family does not tie in with that. I'm not saying that keeping a rapest's child is wrong, but it doesn't make sense from a logical pov, and I find it hard to imagine that any woman who kept a rapest's baby would be able to look into their eyes without reliving what had happened to them.

Also while I can see why a woman would expect support from her husband following rape, I think that expecting him to raise her rapest's baby as his own while still supporting her is too much to ask of anyone.

well science can't prescribe morals BetaDad. It can only describe whats observed. That's what most people don't get about evolutioanry science; that its descritive not prescritive. Partners should be able to empathise with each other. What we see in these situations is that men seem to have a problem here - maybe not with empathising with his partner per se, but in being conflicted with his own trauma.

"Most women, yes - a number of women sadly have tried to make such allegations and have usually failed to get anywhere as they have transpired to be falsifications of events "

I've always wondered - how would you KNOW this? Seriously, if these false allegations don't go anywhere and are not proved false in court how can you claim confidently that it happens and many women do it?

"I find it hard to imagine that any woman who kept a rapest's baby would be able to look into their eyes without reliving what had happened to them.
"

I see what you're saying wannabee - but you could say the same of women who have been victims of DV, couldn't you? They still love their children, they don't look at their DC and see the abuser.

ABetaDad - if you were assaulted, would you expect or like dw to go with you to the doctor or police station? How would you feel if she treated YOU as the problem?

Do you have daughters? If, God forbid, they were ever attacked, how would you like their partners to react?

Admittedly there is definitely something ODD about the fact that she 'loved her job' but yes she was clearly raped.

But the whole thing is ghastly and messed up and WHY would you pillorise the poor woman who wrote in? BIN THE LETTER. She's obviously extremely vulnerable. What a shame.

The letter is strange - there is no mention of any plans they had to start a family. Had he ever wanted children, had she? Had they been ttcing, perhaps making him feel even more of a failure as a husband.

It shows astonishingly little consideration for him, all these years on.

janos but the difference between the baby of a rapest and the baby of an abuser is that generally the woman has at some point had a loving relationship with the abuser, often women who are victims of dv do, in fact, still love their partners and such babies are conceived in moments of perceived love.

wannabe, I think it's probably impossible for anyone who, thank heavens, hasn't been there to imagine how they would react in those circumstances.

And whatever someone's reaction to such a devastating situation it would be OK by me, tbh. A person who has been hurt so dreadfully has every right to do whatever seems least damaging to them.

edam - if you read my post I said quite clearly that: ".. I would be able and willing to go to the Dr with DW if it happened to her".

I would expect her to do the same for me.

Not sure why you appear to be quetioning that. I do not have daughters but have DSs and I woulD expect them to be supportive as above.

What I do not think I could do is bring up another man's child that was the product of a rape and would expect DW to take the MAP.

I don't think that is unsuportive. Is it?

I think it is, rather. God forbid etc. etc. etc. but your role would be to support the person who was suffering, not impose your own decisions on them.

Btw, the post of yours I read said 'I do think I would' which sounded a bit woolly to me. Certainly containing the possibility of 'no'.

I'm finding the responses to this thread really eye-opening. No wonder the conviction rate for rape is so low. We just can't seem to accept that women are not responsible for rape.

I 100% agree with Dittany and edam.

A man should not be emotionally blackmailed into taking another mans child as his own, just as a women should not be raped and impregnated by that rapist.

I hardly think someone who is pregnant as a result of rape can be accused of emotional blackmail.

I do see what you're saying wannabee but sadly rape is often part and parcel of DV as well.

And why are so many rushing to feel sympathy for the husband? He wasn't raped. What about the victim? It's very disturbing that a man's "rights" are being before the victims feelings here but perhaps not surprising.

"And whatever someone's reaction to such a devastating situation it would be OK by me, tbh. A person who has been hurt so dreadfully has every right to do whatever seems least damaging to them.
"

Couldn't have put it any better myself edam

"What I do not think I could do is bring up another man's child that was the product of a rape and would expect DW to take the MAP."

What if the MAP didn't work Abetadad? Sometimes it doesn't. Would you feel justified in insisting your wife had an abortion, if that was against her wishes?

Janos - yes I would ask DW to have an abortion because I could not love the child as it would remind me every waking moment of the horrible thing that someone did to my wife. I would be extremely surprised if DW disagreed with me.

A man can be supportive of hs wife if raped without being expected to also bring up a child that is the product of a rape. We are not talking about 'rights' but deep emotions here. There is no correct answer.

However, I can see the usual crowd are spoiling for a fight with me and MayorQuimby just because we are men. No idea why. We are just expressing our feelings about a theoretical question after some thought.

Sorry if you feeling I am ganging up with a crowd (?) to have a go. That's not my intention. I accept however that this a subject that people are going to have pretty strong feelings about.

I am very much pro choice myself but personally cannot see how anyone could think it's ever acceptable to expect, ask (or even worse, tell) a woman to have an abortion.

I also think you cannot simply proscribe what is acceptable and what is not for a rape victim, whatever your personal relationship is with them.

Fine. You do not agree with abortion. That is a different question.

The woman had an absolute right to have her baby and the man had the absolute right to say I cannot live with that decision and decide to walk away.

If you read my comments again - I did actually say that I was 'very much pro choice'.

Anyway, I see what you are saying ABetaDad and do understand your opinion, why a man might feel that way, even if I don't agree with it.

It's a very difficult and emotive issue all round.