Successful lawyer drowned herself

[foxinsocks]

story today on the bbc

I read this today at work and it made me feel really sad . Poor woman.

Miss Thompson said:"Ms Bailey was a very capable and professional woman and a loving mother of three young children who found it hard to meet the demands of motherhood and the high standard she had set herself."

It was that quote that did it for me.

A lot of families (not all) do find the two children to three children transition far more stressful than the one child to two children transition, and I think that sometimes comes as a shock. I can quite see how someone could feel that she ought to be coping because after all, her work patterns hadn't changed, and she'd managed fine with babies one and two, and the third one should have slotted right in, and so if she wasn't coping it must be because there was something wrong with her, even though that's not the case at all.

she was a partner, so she'd have been picking (or at least been part of the decision process) which of her team got the chop. Can't have helped. There have been a lot of tears in law firms just recently. People going out in the morning with a briefcase because they can't break it to their family they haven't got a job. I'm not saying it's been great elsewhere, before I get jumped on, but it has been no fun being a banking lawyer just recently.

How anyone can do anything but cry after reading that I don't know. Saying she was selfish and pathetic is shocking.

I'm so very sad for her husband and children and hope they get all the support they deserve. They'll never get over this

What an awful story, how tragic for all of them And what an interesting thread.

Regarding accusations of selfishness, I'm afraid only bereaved loved ones get to bandy those terms around. I'm allowed to rage at my mum and call her selfish for killing herself, because when I'm not raging I also know how hard she worked to get better and how much she struggled through the last few years. You, anonymous internet poster behind your keyboard, don't know anything about her, just like you don't know anything about this poor woman. So you don't get to make these accusations. Sorry.

Quat, I agree with itchy and scratchy's last post. I actually think employers can identify which of their employees are like this. I know I can at work (the copers).

I do think, even just taking someone to one side in the first few months back from maternity leave, just keeping a closer eye on them and asking them how they are - even if, in a lot of cases, it isn't necessary - would be an important step.

Mollie's experience bears that out in many ways.

Even then, it may not have been picked up.

Anyway, yes very sad all round. Haven't been able to get it out of my mind. Just the thought that she felt so trapped that this was her only escape .

but foxinsocks - who looks after partners? they are the employers.

Wouldn't HR be responsible?
I've not worked in an office environment for donkeys but don't most firms have at least one HR manager if not a whole dept for HR?

It's quite scary that I know that on other forums (and maybe even on this one? but I'd hope not) there will be people tutting about this level of support for working mothers: "If you can't stand the heat keep out of the kitchen".

That, together with resentment from some firms about maternity leave and pay, and some colleagues' attitudes regarding flexible working hours (who hasn't read those articles "Why shouldn't I have the same benefits as the breeders?" ), builds up resentment and a certain expectation that women should put up or shut up.

It's not the same everywhere, but I fear that the number of supportive workplaces is outweighed by the ones with the horrible attitudes described on this thread in places. At worst it's blatant and aggressive; at best it can be the s that I described at my place. Doesn't make it any easier if you're already feeling pressure and guilt.

yes HR

I'm not saying it would have made a difference.

But I think all companies should have a plan in place that takes into account the fact that a lot of women can find those first 6 months to a year back in (any) job quite stressful.

How difficult dinosaur . The pressure is just immense at the moment on fee earners.

Its so sad for the children and her husband.

Whether it contributed to her suicide or not I do think it is difficult to be a mother and a lawyer. I haven't worked in other professions so I don't know if it really is worse than other jobs - but I think law firms, especially in the city, are run by men for men. On the whole I don't think they are really interested in arrangements that suit working mothers - or anybody else who can't work a standard 12 hour day. Women then feel like they aren't up to scratch and its not far from that to depression.

How have we got to the insane stage in many business sectors where leaving at 5.30 is considered a flexible working request, and people are made to feel so guilty about going on holiday that they promise to check their emails every day and field phone calls!

heartbreaking for everyone involved

shame on those who condemn

This is a heartbreaking story. All professions are pretty tough for mothers, except perhaps teaching. The fact is that you can only manage family stuff by giving things up at work. Promotion. Respect. Salary, now and in the future. Sometimes the job itself.

Suicide and selfish should never be in the same sentence, I hope those who stand in judgement never experience the mental torture of severe depressoin

The people at my company who do the standard 37 hour week are regarded as slack. I usually work 7 til 5.30 - 6.00. That is seen as middling committment.

People are looked at with respect if they send emails on Sundays or at 9.30 at night. I don't look at my email at night but my phone is always on in order for me to take calls from the US.

This is just pretty normal run of the mill working conditions imo. God only knows how I would cope with a baby (simple answer: I couldn't).

Poor, poor woman and her children. God only knows what despair she was feeling. How awful that a poster has condemned her so horribly. There but for the grace of god we go etc.

I have children of almost identical ages as Catherine Bailey and I'm around her age and I can tell you that when my third was six months old (ie when this poor woman went back to work), I could barely speak for tiredness. I didn't start working again (freelance and very low key) until she was a year, but I did go a little demented with tiredness long before then. My dh wouldn't have necessarily been aware of that because he was exhausted too and we weren't barely communicating beyond barked instructions.
I'm a very level-headed, coping type but I honestly think that if I'd had to cope with a high pressure job (made more so by recession) then I don't know how my mental state would have held up. I think I heard that she was breastfeeding too.
She lived near me and I've been haunted by this story even since it happened. That last text...

That poor woman to have experienced such an intolerable situation and emotional state. I cannot begin to imagine how her family and friends are just simply getting through the days.

I recognise many of the comments made by previous posters having worked as a (frankly junior) fee earner in a large regional firm for 7 years. I left just before I had DD and we have made many adjustments to our lifestyle (sold house and now pay much lower rent, no holidays, no free cash at all really!) so that I can stay at home with DD and avoid the pressure that trying to do that sort of job plus being a mum would bring. I'm extremely in awe of women who do manage it (and I know for some of you there is no choice).

anyone of us could suffer reactive or cumulative stress.demands of mortgage,career,raising a family, can strike anyone hard.that is why this sad story is so deep and raw

there for grace of god go any of us

Poor woman. I can't imagine the pressure she was under. I couldn't hack it even without adding children into the mix. As someone up thread said, it's an awful 'hostile corporate environment' and you need to be incredibly tough skinned, almost pyschopathic even, not to be affected by it.