Benign neglect as a parenting style under threat

[OrmIrian]

I am the arch-benign neglecter. I say yes to most things my DC want to do. I don't fret about anything they do. I assume the best not the worst. I don't make my DC wear a helmet when cycling. They don't have a net on the trampoline. I let them play in the park unsupervised.

And as far as I am concerned that is the best way to parent my children. So far they are doing very well.
And it is my business.

But it would seem not from the link above (not the only recent example of this). I could have been 'done' for that yesterday as I did almost exactly the same thing as she did.

Anyone else begin to feel beleagured? I am glad I am not having any more TBH.

That is odd laurie . Is home really that much more dangerous than a park?

And 'not allowed' by whom?

She's fostered by me so they are allowed to tell me what to do in this regard.

Home is terribly safe

Oh I see. Still seems odd though.

What a load of rubbish Laurie!
When I was a child I was fine at home alone from the age of 7/8. I also walked to school with other children for a mile and a half from the age of 4/5. To this day I have an excellent sense of direction, no satnav for me.
Children need to be given responsibility for themselves when its safe and they need to be encouraged to explore and take risks. No doubt I'll be crapping myself when those times do come.

It's true, they get to decide that as she is in care.

And no, I don't agree either. Not allowed to give her a key either.

I have always had a 'benign neglect' mentality towards DS1 (5.5yo) although I didn't realise there was a name for it! He has always had a free reign to crawl/run/jump around the place, with stairgates to barricade unsafe areas when he was too young to understand why he couldn't go somewhere.

We live in a cul-de-sac and our house is away from the road - there are several paths and a grassed playing area that are accessed without going on the road. For the last few months, he has been allowed to go out to play on these areas with 2 other boys. I spent the first few times peering out of the window until I was satisfied he wasn't going in the road (he never has) and now I just keep an ear out for any shouting.

HOWEVER - I now feel incredibly guilty because at the weekend he broke his arm when playing unsupervised in the enclosed garden of one of the other boys!!. Poor little mite came staggering home crying, holding his arm after he said he tripped and fell on a scooter. He needed an operation and now faces the whole summer hols with an arm in plaster.

Logically, I know that it is not my fault - he was playing in a safe, walled garden to a house with adults in. There were 4 other kids present, including a girl of about 13. He tripped and fell on a toy - which he has done countless times at home. He was about 20 metres away from me, several doors down the road. It was bad luck, nothing more. Still, I felt SO bad last night when he was crying 'cos his arm hurt and he couldn't sleep.......

I am hoping that this doesn't stop me letting him explore and grow his indpendence. Obviously at 5 years old he isn't left anywhere on his own and won't be for some time. He never plays out on his own either, only with the other child(ren). He knows not to try and cross roads etc and has been heard telling the other boy off for playing in the road and for leaving his toys on the path where other people could trip up .

We are lucky that our local environment is very child friendly and neighbours all keep an eye on each others' kids (half the street came over yesterday to check he was OK), but I am having a hard time letting him out of my sight at the moment.

Sorry, this turned into a long 'poor me' post, didn't it?

That was rotten luck, KirstyJC. Not your fault at all, as you know. I hope he heals up quickly.

As you rightly point out Kirsty, it could have happened right in front of you.

It sounds lovely the way you're doing things with him.

Hope he has a good summer anyway - bet it doesn't stop him playing

Arms in plaster were kind of a badge of honour when I was a kid, have the other boys signed his yet?

Poor little man

Accidents happen, sometimes even when they are watched with eagle-eyed vigilance

my boy and his Yr6 mates are going for pizza after school on friday. I have ended up offering to stay and discretely supervise because all the other parents were unhappy about their children's ability to go into pizza hut, order food by themselves, eat food by themseles, pay and leave
It wasnt woeth arguing over but frakly I was a bit shocked at their attitude.

'if you wrap them in cotton wool, you suffocate them'

@trefusis - my daughter did the same, ran behind me (away from a scary bus) and banged her head on the wall. Bruise the size of an egg, a day before a wedding too....and she was on reins!. impossible to remain on toddler suicide-watch all the time.

How old is year 6 molie?

Agree totally with all the BN parents on this thread, although suspect I do it out of a combo of fostering independence and laziness TBH!

I had that issue for DD#s 10th bday mollie. Not quite the same as they were youngers and it was Prezzo so a bit more 'grown-up' than Pizza Hut. I went with them in the end and had a good time anyway. But they were all well-behaved and sensible girls.

I think there is a herd-mentality TBH. I probably wouldn't have felt able to be this way if we didn't live in an area where most of the children are given a lot of independence. I was able to see that children are capable for dealing with a lot more than many people beleive. And also the fact that no-one would raise eyebrows at me helped . It would be much harder to BN children in an area where all the other children were treated like china.

Yr 6 is age 11. they go to 2ndary school in september

Om - I am going to generalise and say a group of girls might be slightly more socially aware of the 'norms' and less likely to cause a riot. I still have bad memories of taking a group of six 9-year-old boys to pizza express. The sheer noise levels was causing distress to other custmers.

But th BN part of me thinks my son and his friends will never learn what is socially acceptable unless they have done it for themseleves.

What is really bizarre is that there is massive approval of giving very young children "independence" as soon as possible - teachers get very annoyed with 4 year olds whose motor skills aren't developed enough to do buttons and blame lazy parents for not teaching them; we're constantly exhorted to send toddlers to nursery as soon as possible as socialisation and independence are really important.

Until they get to school age. And then suddenly, we're supposed to rein them in, having spent the first 5 years encouraging independence. What's with that?

making them independent does not mean 'wild'

being able to do up ones laces and not showing respect to elders are two different entities

independent children should not necessarily need reining in - but they can wipe their own bums

Well I wouldn't let my ds go with a bunch of friends anywhere where they might cause too much of a nuisance to other people, as they would be a little too wild. dd (8) on the other hand would be perfectly well behaved, but not like the idea very much. Some of this stuff is very individual child dependent.