Benign neglect as a parenting style under threat

[OrmIrian]

I am the arch-benign neglecter. I say yes to most things my DC want to do. I don't fret about anything they do. I assume the best not the worst. I don't make my DC wear a helmet when cycling. They don't have a net on the trampoline. I let them play in the park unsupervised.

And as far as I am concerned that is the best way to parent my children. So far they are doing very well.
And it is my business.

But it would seem not from the link above (not the only recent example of this). I could have been 'done' for that yesterday as I did almost exactly the same thing as she did.

Anyone else begin to feel beleagured? I am glad I am not having any more TBH.

My two pennyworth...

Just been reading a fab book about the rise of overly neurotic parenting (not blaming the parents, I hasten to add) called 'Paranoid Parenting - Why ignoring the experts may be best for your child' by Frank Furedi. It addresses precisely the issues everyone here has been raising and has made me think about my parenting and susceptibility to the media nonsense about doing the 'best' for your perfect progeny.

It's so easy to become a cotton-wool parent - terrified about every ludicrously tiny risk - but it's something I'm aware of and trying to change.

Thanks everyone for fueling my belief and supporting the realisation that I'm not actually TRYING to neglect my child!

I have to confess when i say 'no' it is usually because i'm worried some other parent will upbraid me IYKWIM. i got chided by head the other week for insisting that ds1 (who is going to secondary in sept) could walk home by himself from another nearby school after a special inter school sport event. I had to be at other school to pick up other ds. Hed said: ''well there is big difference between a child walking hime a familiar way and having to negociate a whiole new route unaided.
Rubbish, said I. The other school is actually nearer to our house than ds's actual school and I give hi some credit for knowing his way around a small town he has grow up in.

'we were sought out and asked to stay physically with our children'

Sigh. How annoying.

I left my 12-year old and his friend in the Science Museum at the Wallace and Gromit exhibition at Easter. I asked the man at the entrance if this would be OK, telling him the boys would be good, and he was absolutely fine about it. They were good as gold.

And today I trusted him to go 7 miles alone on the bus to the nearest town, do some shopping, and come home again by bus. I kept expecting that someone would tell him he shouldn't be alone but fortunately he's reasonably tall for his age so they might have thought he was older. I knew he was sensible and really excited about being trusted.

Lordy, he's 12 abraid. I'd be worried if mine's not going out about with a mate on occasional trips at that age. I certainly was and will be tipping DS out the door with his busfare if he objects.

Sorry if that sounded critical abraid, was meant to be applauding you

Dh is a benign neglector and I am less helicopter like than most. I like the idea that my children get to discover things for themselves without us intruding into their every second. They're only tiny at the moment, so I wonder if I'll be brave enough to trust their abilities and let them go off and do things on their own outside the home as they get that bit older,

For me it's the multitude of looks constantly from other parents that pulls me up short, not a worry about the authorities.

All the sodding time.

Oh you don't take them to baby swimming
Oh aren't you worried she'll fall off that wall
Oh you're letting her eat a plant
Oh she's wearing a boys top

My response? Yes. She will be fine.

This story (if as simple as the broadcast makes out) is appalling though. And trefusis' museum story makes me want to weep, then punch someone...

hum well, mine are too small to be left alone, though i quite often see 5 yo plus kids on their own or with other kids - they're within shouting distance of their homes anyway.

@lovelytinofspam
know what you mean.
there is no correct estimation of risk. falling over doesn't kill them, eating plants...unless its poison no (though i'm trying not to let mine eat snails) -

mine has never seen the inside of baby swimming, and her brother was dressed almost exclusively in pink (until the little sod got too big for her babygros. I draw the line at dresses) She has fallen off/ walked into.

probably the only thing that really made me want to call the police was the guy that had a 4yo boy on a motorised quad bike in the park, and that more because those bikes are 1) not allowed and 2) NOISY AS HELL. PLus, his daughter had a barbie bike, so he was evidently a chauvanist.

looking back in history, i think at age 2 my folks were happy to leave us in the care of older siblings in a play park (close by but not in sight) I vaguely remembering my sister jealously guarding the'baby' and indeed, gently mummying the little one on the swings. Also all 4 of us were routinely left in the car whilst Mum went round ASDA (i realise now there is no trolley with four seats - this must have been a sanity-preserver.)

Thanks, Smee. It is worrying how there are so many of the disapprovers around, though. I remember leaving my two, aged 8 and 10, in one film and going to the very next screen within the same complex to watch another film. This was a Sunday afternoon, btw, not 10pm on Friday. They knew where I was and I told them to come and get me if they needed.

They are very well-behaved and weren't doing anything except watch the film but another mother kept asking them how old they were and where their parents were. FFS. When I was that age children went to the cinema alone on the bus on Saturday mornings.

When I started this thread I almost instantly got 2 posts suggesting that not using cycle helmets and a net around a trampoline is not ?benign neglect? just neglect pure and simply. Which is I think what you?ve all been discussing ? the assumption by other parents that unless you are doing the utmost to physically protect your child from any harm you are neglectful, and the tutting that results . We all make judgements and draw a line in the sand ? but some of draw it further on than others ? our over zealous society tends to suggest that there is only one place that it can be drawn and that is about an inch from the child?s feet. You do things/don?t do things ?just in case?. ?It?s better to be on the safe side? ? well no it isn?t, if being on the safe side means not allowing things that will give your child wonderful experiences and help them to get a better grasp of the world they live in.

For example, my 12 yr old loves skate boarding. It is his life. It is what he does with all his spare time, it?s where he meets most of his friends. He gets excitement, exercise, friendship and self-esteem. What?s not to like? But if I made him wear a helmet he would simply not skate ? the humiliation would be too great (no-one wears helmets!), or take the helmet off as soon as he was out of sight of the house. So what would I gain from doing so - OK he?d be very very safe as he wouldn?t do it anymore ? can?t get safer than that. But he?d lose a great great deal more than either of us gained. You simply can?t judge something purely by the level of risk it carries. And IME it?s limbs and testicles that are most at risk when skating ? perhaps full body armour would be acceptable

yy to the testicle risk

I had an ex whose scrotum was torn in half in a skateboarding accident, amazingly his actual balls were ok, put back in (?) and he has 2 lovely dds (sigh)

it's a bit off-topic, I have been lurking on this threat but finding that my benign neglect is now so much a way of life that I've neglected to post

Ouch! It's when they come down on the grind rail that does it

I hope you benignly neglected to post sainte?

excellent thread
I believe that BN is actually a good method of parenting.
Parents pussy foot round their dcs these days and then wonder why their 25 year old son cannot do his own laundry let alone leave home
teach our children to be independent - open doors for them
Poor woman - i dread to think what said file could have on me...that said I would do it all again as I belive the way I raise my children to be best for them

always benign

it sounds so much nicer than laziness, doesn't it?

seriously, my kids would think there was something majorly weird going on if I started helicoptering, but I've consciously fostered both their independence and a family/ living situation that makes it a lot easier.
we moved from a city to a place where my 5 year old can be out of sight for an hour or so with a friend and I pretty much know they're ok

Though I did find her and a friend stuck quite a long way up a tree yesterday

If leaving a 10 year old on their own for 10 minutes at a time is frowned on now, things have changed a lot in the last 25 years.

At age 9 I used to get the (public, not school) bus ten miles to school by myself, and then on the way home walk 20 mins across town to the bus stop to catch the bus back.

Kids need time on their own away from parents, it's how they find themselves.

Its drawing the line really, as an individual parents lines are different people will raise eyebrows.
For example at the weekend we brought DSD 6 and DD 23 months to the park. DD we watch like a hawk and follow very closely. DSD is gaining in independence and goes of to play but always within sight and we keep a close eye on her too.
A mother came into the park with 2 DD's one looked the same age as DD but might have been around 2 1/2 the other was around 5. Mum didnt come into the play area but instead went for a walk with the dog throwing balls for it. She told the older child to look after her sister. She stayed within 50 feet of the playground but had her sight obscured by trees and shrubs at times. To me she was out of order, the younger child was IMO too young to be left to wonder around on and off play equipment where she could have been injured. Seriously the little one was climbing onto equipment that was too high. Running up to swings where big kids were playing etc. The mum gave more attention to the dog. We saw a similar incident with a smaller toddler at a park the week before. The toddler about 18 months was left under the supervision of her 4/5 yo brother whilst mum and grandma smoked, chatted and drank Red Stripe on a bench. They didnt notice the toddler leave the play area at one point but did thank goodness notice her absence before she got to the main road.
I think the line is when you are putting a child at significant risk of harm.
At the same time I absolutely think children are to wrapped too much in cotton wool and I encourage independence both in DSD and DD. Like I said its a fine line...

yes, and kids are different of course

I can let my 5 year old dd be pretty freerange, but ds2 (10) has autism, and although it's amazing living somewhere that he can have a certain amount of autonomy, I can't possibly leave him to learn as he goes along at the same level as his sister

It's a practice, that constantly requires reassessment, awareness and guesswork, though.

"It's a practice, that constantly requires reassessment, awareness and guesswork, though. "

Exactly why it isn't the same as laziness IMO.

My youngest has no sense of danger or common sense. Unless he changes a great deal in the next few years I don't think he will have the independence that his brother and sister enjoy at their age.

Yep but some parents that benignly neglect do so not for reasons of promoting curiosity and independence in their children but simply because they can't be bothered.

Well then that really is just neglect ER.

Weirdly, I have just been told by the social work team that I am not allowed to leave dd in the house alone until she is 13. Not even for ten minutes.

Even though there is no law about this.

And they're ok with her going into town on her own for a few hours.

And round the park on her own.

And even though I trust her.

Yep it is, but that's when caring parents who are letting their children explore and take risks can get tarred with the same brush.
Back to the fine line