register for domestic abusers?

[beanieb]

story

"A register of people who have attacked their partners could help prevent other potential victims of domestic abuse, the government has said.

The creation of a database monitored by police is one of several plans to be unveiled by the Home Office on Monday. "

good idea?

oh I'm not in favour of the register Solid I don't believe it could work in practice, and I agree that we should enforce the laws we already have, I just felt the need to put N1 right about who is responsible for whose behaviour.

I notice that you haven't acknowledged my truth universally acknowledged by civilised and sensible people, that adults are responsible for their own behaviour N1. And as I said before, a man who has attacked a woman 20 times generally doesn't have a record, because the average woman doesn't report him until well over 30 times. Stop ignoring well-known, well-research facts

well-researched that should say

slug. By the sounds of it, you seem to think that I should be on a register, even though there is no DV in my case.

My ex is the sort of person who lies and would lie to get any possible disadvantage thrown at me. I do accept that some violent people should be placed on some sort of register, though it's easy to say if the people on the register are only people who should be there. I would rather actively oppose a register which had the right and wrong people on it because innocent people are likely to have to pay in money and time to clear their name - if clearing their name is an option.

I am not looking for sympathy from anyone about me and the CSA.

I didn't know that 20 to 30 times beaten was a researched statistic.

Adults should be responsible for their behavior. I agree. What does a person do if the wife/partner wants the man in the relationship to walk away? She might keep provoking him and keep accusing him of abandoning the family till he snaps. Fair enough, perhaps he should walk but imagine abandoning his children.....who's a fault there? Personally, I would blame the lady and more so if thee is no history of DV.

my question is what good would it actually do?
xh told ow that he attacked me - I read a 'breakup' letter (the first time they broek up, and he wanted to get back with me), and she said (something like) 'I know she drove you to attack her'.
I didnt drive him, and it was his choice to behave like that towards me, but even having been told by him that he did this was not enough for her to have any warning bells...

Yes of course you'd blame the lady N1. Because you don't appear to have grasped that adults are responsible for their own feelings and their own behaviour.

I'm loving the idea that hitting the mother of their children, is somehow better for their children than walking away from a relationship where they are no longer welcome, and arranging access in a reasonable adult manner.

My ex can't be reasoned with. I could see me being on a register just so she can get her evil way and me out of my son's life.

Obviously - from my perspective, this register is going to be more unhelpful than helpful.

If you were on a register, it would be because of your behaviour, not because of her's.

Her behaviour is her responsbility. Your behaviour is your's.

That's why I would want a comment box, so I can have my side of the version of events.

LOL.

Can you possibly be serious?

Do you think people on the sex offender's register should be able to tell their side of the story as well?

Because it's the same principle.

Quite a lot of people seem to think (quite regardless of gender) that physical violence is excusable and indeed justified if someone finds out that a partner has breached monogamy. Would exceptions be made for this?

There was a newspaper article about that today

Husband who strangled his wife

I think physical violence is wrong full stop. If we can teach children in school that they must not hit each other regardless of what the other person said, then surely adults can learn the same measure of self control?

My reservations are more to do with the fact that if there is no standard of proof, accusations could be made up by a resentful ex. And that sometimes both partners are guilty of lashing out. We quite often get women on Mumsnet who confess to alsohaving hit their partner or thrown things at them during a domestic row. Should they also go on the register? Or is it a question of who gets their accusation in first?

Well yeah, it is a crap idea, basically. While no one is denying that domestic abuse exists and is a serious problem, this is just stupid box-ticking be-seen-to-do-something crap. Couples do, after all, argue sometimes without either one of them being an abuser. The current government is horribly fond of legislating for everything and spying into every aspect of people's lives, to no real good purpose, and this is just more of the same.

agree with sgb largely.

Also, I have worked with such abusers for a very long time, and edam's notion of it being a poss. deterrent isn't credible. Sorry edam! Such behaviours are committed massively after alchohol, and, almost 100% as a problem-solving strategy that was learned from seeing their own 'role model' parents/usually father behaving like this. Neither of these things contribute to a rational decision re deterrence at all.

What they could do with instead, is more focus on mental health issues at school and in the health service so that there's a concerted effort to break the cycle of violence and abuse. Punishing people after the fact doesn't solve the problem; teaching people that they are responsible for their own behaviour whatever the circumstances and whatever the provocation, is something our whole culture has got to learn, any amount of initiatives won't be successful if there is still the idea at large that someone else is responsible for my actions. It's amazing how many people think in that childish way.

N1, by refusing to support the child you claim to love so much because his mother had the temerity to walk away from a relationship with you, whatever the circumstances, you are being abusive.

However you try to dress it up, you choose not to support your son. You are just as bad as men who use fists to control the women in their lives.

Quite frankly N1, after reading your various contributions to various MN threads, I'm really not certain I'd want you around as a role model in a 12 yr old boy's life. And if you are going to use access as an opportunity to be abusive to the mother, then avoiding having you around at all seems to be quite a good option. You need to get over this ridiculous attitude if you ever hope to develop a reasonable father-son relationship with your boy. Your bitterness is eating away at you. I really suggest counselling.

BTW- there is no "side" or "version" of events where one partner is physically abusive to the weaker partner (of whatever sex). It's just the behaviour of a Neanderthal.

I agree with Pan, it won't work because for the most part abusers feel justified to do what they do so a simple register won't deter them.

And another thing: it is possible (though, admittedly, unusual) for someone who has been abusive in one relationship to not reoffend. Though this is more likely when the abusive behaviour was predominantly due to alcohol/drug addiction and the person has got clean and addressed his/her issues etc - an abuser who abuses because he (and this is almost always a he) thinks that women are men's property and exist for men's benefit, and therefore he can do what he likes to his partner, is much less likely to change.

But it would be a bit rough on someone who has worked hard to overcome his/her former bad behaviour, to be labelled a monster indefinitely.

I don't think the register would work in practice.

I mean, if you start dating a new and sexy man, and your friends tells you watch out for him, he's been horrible to women in the past - what do you do?

My own experience is to ignore it, or to assume that it will be different with me.

Loads of women know that their DPs have been 'bad boys' in the past and it just makes them more alluring. It's the age-old desire to 'fix' them.

An opinion Slug and I don't agree. ....whatever the circumstances, you are being abusive.

and no thanks to the counseling.

I think there should be a register, not one you could just browse but one you can phone the police to check up on men coming into yours and your childrens lives.

XP, who was extremely violent, is very quiet and i doubt would tell anyone about his record, so if he then goes on into another relationship he could do the same to her, and her children if she has any.

If you were to check on a register you must have had suspicions first?

my 14 year old dd was arrested last year by 3 police officers for domestic violence against me, I did not inform the police, she phoned them cause I asked her to leave or I would call them, she kicked me, threatened me, punched me in the face while i could not get out of a chair as I had a fractured foot, even the police where shocked at her bullying tactics, I asked her to be placed with her grandmother for a month while things settled
tbh I found the police fantastic but the SS were a waste of time, my dd was given a learning mentor and so on and support in various ways with the help of the school.Over the period of time it was suggested that I was in somewhat to blame for my dd violence by the SS and the learning mentor.
The only thing that made my dd think twice was when the police arrested her and took her to the station, they told her if she did this again she would have a police record and they would charge her with assault

my point is domestic abuse comes in all different shapes and sizes and I think a register is a good idea