Story about co-sleeping in yesterday's Observer

[RoRoMommy]

I thought it was a really nice story, but so full of apologies! I can relate to the author's feeling that co-sleeping makes her feel closer to her daughter because she's away at work all day, but she calls it a "controversial" thought!

Anyone read it?

After ds was born I really struggled with sleepless nights. Dh is a very deep sleeper, and was absolutely useless at giving me any support during the night.

DH continued to expect and demand lie - ins in the morning and naps in the afternoons because he was so tired.
I think he was probably in shock.

It has caused huge resentment between us. So when dd came along, I started co - sleeping straight away to avoid the same pit falls. It was really a survival thing for my sanity and for the good of our marraige. It just so happened that I enjoy co - sleeping too.

I think DH has mixed feeling about it. Obviously he enjoys a good nights sleep. He gets very grumpy if he doesn't sleep well. But he does miss having me to himself. I don't know if these mixed feelings are directly related to co - sleeping or the fact that I feel disappointed and let down by him.

Luckily there are lots of other aspect of him that I love.

DD now 6 climbed in with us when ill or if she had a nightmare. DS on the other hand was a bad sleeper and we co slept so that we would at least get some sleep iyswim. Now at age three he will start the night in his own bed and then come through to us at about 2 in the morning.

In answer to the partner happiness thing, I think my answer is probably a combination of LaMer's and cherrylips. At first, DH was fine with it because it meant more sleep for everyone and DS was small so didn't take up loads of space. Then as DS got bigger and kicked more, DH started muttering about putting him in his own cot; to be honest, I might have considered that a viable option if DH had offered to help out at night in any meaningful way, but he sleeps like the dead and if DS were to need resettling it would be all me. So, if I am going the nights, as we've agreed (and I get a lie-in on the weekend to make up for lost sleep, if any, though DS and I sleep very well at night together now), then I am going to choose the sleeping arrangement, which I have.

It did cause some problems for a little while, insofar as DH was not feeling much intimacy from me and co-sleeping became the poster-child for those issues (it contributed, sure, but it wasn't the sole cause iyswim). I held my ground about maintaining the current arrangement and just tried to get more into physical intimacy (breastfeeding really slowed my sex drive, but I made an effort and it paid off because DH started feeling closer to my physically, and, in his very male way, emotionally).

Now DH is more amenable. Some nights he'll fall asleep on the couch in front of History Channel anyway, so if DS wasn't with me I'd be alone on our very big bed. And DH loves giving our now 19 month old DS a good cuddle/wrestle in the morning when he's still warm and mooshy.

Speaking of big beds, that's what we did to solve the problem of kicky-six-month-old. Instead of banishing him from our double bed, we got a super-king. It's luxurious and enormous and oh-so-sleep-enducing for all three of us.

co-slept with two out of three of my children.

which one is afraid of the dark and 'can't' get to sleep? yep, the one we tried to encourage to sleep on her own, in a cot in another room.

my one and only regret!

Funny how varied HCPs can be on this one. I had to stay in the JR for 8 nights after DS was born for crappy BP reasons, and the midwives there were constantly pushing co-sleeping at us, and offering bedguards! I didn't, because I was new to it all and so tired I was terrified I'd squish him (I must have been under the impression I'd be asleep in the first place!). It took about 8 weeks of propping myself up in bed feeding, about 4 times a night, to work out that lying down next to him might work better, and he still comes in from about 4 or so now he's 6 m.

So interesting to hear other peoples experiences. I used to co - sleep with ds and he is so good at sleeping all night, hardly ever wakes at night, he sleeps so well. Dd the same, although still cuddling up yo her at the mo'.

Re the GF thing, when I flicked through her book, I remember being a bit about her blaming co-sleeping for poor attention at school and personally thought it probably had a bit more to do with her going to bed at midnight every night without an earlier nap to make up for lost sleep (wasn't that what she said? Can't remember exactly tbh!)

Yerblurt - dh wasn't thrilled about co-sleeping to begin with, but seeing as I was the one doing the night shifts, I gave him the choice of either helping me with getting dd from the cot to feed (and settling her afterwards as for the short time she was in a cot, she seemed to properly wake up for feeding and so needed a lot more settling afterwards as opposed to co-sleeping, where she would just start stirring, I'd feed her and then she would go straight back to sleep fuss-free) or letting me do it my way and trying co-sleeping.

He loves it now and even more so because we have a double futon for ds (who has co-slept from day 1) and me and possibly dd who comes in when she needs to and he has his own mattress next to my side of the futon. He sleeps better this way as the mattress is perfect for his back but I find it too soft.

Dd's transition to her own bed was never a problem. And yes, she does still come into our bed when she needs to (she's 2), but I think that's fair enough - I'm sure most children have times when they wake in the night for whatever reason and it's definitely easier for me that she comes to us rather than me having to go to her.

Another bonus I've found with co-sleeping (and I appreciate that just because this has been the case for us, it may not be the case for everyone) is that it has been easy enough for dd to go from my futon to her own mattress. I know a few mums who have 3 year olds still in their cot, and they have a bit of a headache as to how to move the child into their own bed (ie, stay in their own bed when they can get out). Although as I said, this is just a sample size of a few mums where I live, so am not suggesting that all non-co-sleeping families have this problem!

Agree with Sputnik!

I'm coming from this at another angle, I co-slept with my parents, who aren't from this country. It was the norm as neither in their homeland nor in the semi here in London were there enough bedrooms . I was free to go to sleep in their bed, I remember becoming fiercely independent and wanting my own bed at around age 3 or 4, though I had ended up sleeping in their bed up to the age of 9 after falling asleep while watching telly.

I remember thinking it really weird that a baby would have their own room. Not knocking anyone who practices this, just that it's not typical for everyone!

It really isn't a big deal to me, many in my family over here cosleep too. As long as everyone safely gets enough sleep it's all good.

just to say the older I got, the more sporadic the cosleeping got - wasn't sleeping EVERY night until the age of 9!