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Original poster

Story about co-sleeping in yesterday's Observer

84 replies

RoRoMommy · 14/09/2008 22:10

I thought it was a really nice story, but so full of apologies! I can relate to the author's feeling that co-sleeping makes her feel closer to her daughter because she's away at work all day, but she calls it a "controversial" thought!

Anyone read it?

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 16/09/2008 20:51

Message withdrawn

yerblurt · 16/09/2008 20:53

Just as a matter of interest - what do your partners think of co-sleeping?

because I would imagine that if your partners are being totally honest they would not really like it to have a kicking, restless child in the same bed and would actually grow to resent the child....

georgimama · 16/09/2008 21:00

He loves it, why wouldn't he? Just because he is a man doesn't mean he would resent a child for kicking and being restless when I don't.

evangelina · 16/09/2008 21:13

Sorry yerblurt, but my DH loves it too. Not forever obviously, but at the moment it can be a real bonding thing for him too as he works long hours and often doesn't see much of them during the week.

policywonk · 16/09/2008 21:20

My DP isn't crazy about co-sleeping (which is a shame because he's been doing it for nearly six years now). But he resents me for it, not the DSs.

yerblurt · 16/09/2008 21:26

Do other co-sleepers feel that their relationship with their partners has suffered and/or their partners resent them (if they are being totally honest with themselves)?

policywonk · 16/09/2008 21:30

Erm... I was joking about him resenting me. He doesn't really. He's 37, it would frankly be extremely unsexy if he started sulking because there was a small child in the bed.

There was a stage when DS1 was about a year old when DP got a bit huffy about co-sleeping, but we worked it out and I really don't think he has a problem with it now.

cwtchy · 16/09/2008 21:47

Yerblurt, I just wrote a long reply to your question, and got disconnected from the server. Humph.

DD is 13 months and we cosleep. She has always been rather, erm, lively and has never entertained the idea of sleeping in a cot. DH does not sleep well with DD in bed with us, so he is not a great fan of cosleeping. He doesn't resent her for it though, just as he doesn't resent her for all the crying in the early months, or all the dirty nappies she produces! Cosleeping was the best solution for the three of us, and so we decided together to go for it. Every parenting decision is a compromise, isn't it?

no1putsbabyinthecorner · 16/09/2008 21:48

I have a 19mth dd who has always slept/settled well.
On odd occasion I have brought her in with me when she has been ill, or when dh on nights.I can relate to all of you who enjoy as it is lovely, but she hates it. Dh has even tried to bring her in rather than settle her, but she just wont have it.
my ds is 3 weeks, and have had several nights co sleeping. It is lovely/easier as BF, but I am very scared of doing it.
Have only done it when dh has slept downstairs or been on nights.
As me and ds can lay in centre of bed.

Sputnik · 16/09/2008 21:58

I always found it odd that people have no problem with cats or even dogs sleeping on their beds, but are about children doing it.

I have co-slept with both mine (children, not cats). We have a sidecar arrangment that gives everyone their space. When the time came for DD to move out (she was 3 and I was pg), she asked to sleep in her lovely new bed and room. Easy.

gabygirl · 16/09/2008 23:29

"EL - Have you really heard of children sleeping with their parents at age 11 or 12? In Real Life I mean, not just on the internet or on TV?"

I fall asleep in dd's (9) bed most nights while reading her a story. If her bed was bigger and more comfortable I'd be happy to sleep with her all night. DH might not enjoy spending the night on his own though!

IAteDavinaForDinner · 17/09/2008 08:15

What pisses me off is that those who don't cosleep shout loudest about it being a Bad Thing. (I am setting aside the FSIDS guidelines, for simplicity's sake). I don't hear ex- or current co-sleepers shouting about how terrible it is. Because there's this culture that it's wrong to co-sleep, perpetuated by people with such crazy ideas as "it infantilises children", those of us who do feel we shouldn't speak about it.

What surprises me is how someone can say it "infantilises" children or keeps them "behind developmentally" whilst never having coslept. I've never heard cosleepers saying "my child cannot cope with new circumstances because they've coslept". That's like someone who's always FF their kids denouncing BFing - how would you know?4

belgo · 17/09/2008 08:30

Co sleeping made holidays and trips away far easier for us, as there was a continuity in the sleeping, rather then having to get used to a different cot in a strange room.

blueshoes · 17/09/2008 09:12

Agree belgo. Good point. I forgot about it. I never worry about change of dcs' bedtime routine or sleep disruption when on holiday. I am the bedtime routine - so lovely when you think about it.

Litchick · 17/09/2008 09:17

Yerblurt - my dh never minded at all - frankly would have done anything to get a good night's sleep. That said, it wasn't everynight so maybe that made it easier.
As I said, my BIL hated it. They could never get to sleep all together so he ended up in the guest room for years.
He complained about lack of cuddling with his wife, lack of late night chats etc. It ruined their intimacy.
They should have sat down and discussed it of course but she wouldn't and was adamant that he was being unreasonable. He became more and more unhappy and they got divoced this year. tis vv sad.

ajm200 · 17/09/2008 09:21

Surrey are as bad

I was also told off for carrying my son on the maternity ward in case I dropped him. Don't know how they think mums manage when they get home and don't have a fishtank to wheel baby about in.

Also wasn't allowed to take him off the ward so that DH and I could go downstairs for a cup of coffee and a bit of normality after I'd been in hospital for health and safety reasons.

Downright daft!

belgo · 17/09/2008 09:21

Litchick - that's very sad about your BIL. I wonder if his wife refusing to take his feelings into account regarding co-sleeping was as a result of marital problems, rather then the cause of them, if you see what I mean?

ajm200 · 17/09/2008 09:23

That should say in hosptial non-stop of 7 days.

Litchick · 17/09/2008 09:42

Belgo - I don't really know. They were very happy until they had children, but once their DS came along she kind of froze him out.
She never wanted to do anything with just him anymore.
I remember my Dh taking me to Paris for a long weekend and she said they couldn't do anything like that because the DCs couldn't sleep without her.
She would never even go out to dinner etc because she needed to be back to go to bed with DCs as the GPs wouldn't co sleep and I guess a regular babysitter is unlikely to want to do it.
He told me that he didn't feel like they were married anymore and that he was just someone to provide the cash and mow the lawn.

Litchick · 17/09/2008 09:43

Don't know what other co sleepers do when they want to go out?
Mine were always fine to sleep on their own when I wasn't there so it didn't make a problem for us.

LaMer · 17/09/2008 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

evangelina · 17/09/2008 09:49

I was thinking about this thread whilst co-sleeping last night- many times in the night he would reach out in his sleep to touch me, sometimes entangling his hand in my hair, other times placing a foot or his back against me. He didn't wake up and I didn't fully either, but it's obviously a primeval security thing for them. Where's the grown up, am I safe and secure- yes, can go back to sleep now. Maybe this is why Japan has such low rates of SIDS, there is some chemical or unknown health factor that increases calmness and well being. I've got no idea, just wondering (and I'm not pushing it for everyone- you have to factor in smoking/drinking/body weights etc).

As for later development, my four year old who has regularly co-slept has just started school and hasn't looked back- very confident and no tears so I don't think it makes them clingy.

Oliveoil · 17/09/2008 09:51

dd1 has always slept in her own bed

dd2 has in the main been in and out of our bed

she goes in her bed, then comes in say 3 or 4 nights a week and goes off to sleep

I find it quite cute tbh to feel her podgy legs and squished against mine awwwwwwww

she has only just turned 4 and started school a few weeks ago and we had a few weeks of her point blank refusing to go in her bed so she was put in ours at 7pm and stayed there all night

imo it was a comfort thing and school was new and 'scary' and she needed our bed for security

this week I have put her in her bed at 7pm and stayed with her for about half an hour stroking her head, then left and so far she has slept right through

I don't see the big deal tbh, most of my friends have done a mixture of cot/bed/co-sleep as and when their child needed them

Oliveoil · 17/09/2008 09:53

dh prefers dd2 to be in her own bed tbh and her lack of sleeping did cause arguements in the past

but children can cause arguements, get over it! if it is not sleep it is something else

foxytocin · 17/09/2008 09:54

DD now 3 co-slept till she told us she wanted to go to her room at 2.10 y.

Dh and I still managed a healthy sex life lots of times with her asleep in the same bed.

As for going out, we would let her have a late nap. Leave her awake and come back early-ish to put her to bed. As she got older, she would go to sleep for her carer without any tears and I/We would sleep in the next day with her.

Other times, we have taken her with us to do's away from home, hire a sitter through the hotel and go back to the room to put her to sleep when she became grumpy then return to the party.