Story about co-sleeping in yesterday's Observer

[RoRoMommy]

I thought it was a really nice story, but so full of apologies! I can relate to the author's feeling that co-sleeping makes her feel closer to her daughter because she's away at work all day, but she calls it a "controversial" thought!

Anyone read it?

didn't Gina Ford co-sleep with her mother until she was quite old (nearly a teen?) and believes it's totally ruined her sleep cycle?

Gina Ford is a great example

x-posted, belgo!

but really, I can't bear to sleep with my children, I only do it when they're ill.

been speaking to FSIDS this morning about cosleeping

"infantilises children"
Yes- it probably makes them really childish too.

I have to admit, sometimes I liked co-sleeping, sometimes I found it a bit of a hassle, which probably sums up most aspects of parenting

FWIW DS1 went into his own bed at 18 months and Ds1 at 12 months. I don't mind my DCs being infantalised as I quite like children being, er, children.

I have never claimed it would suit everyone, but it suited my family.

Mine comes in about midnight and stays till morning (18m). What do those of you do who start off the night co-sleeping? Do you go to bed with them and then sneak off like in the article?

What I don't really like is the way both co-sleepers and anti-cosleepers sometimes make it into a moral issue - i.e. one or other is somehow the 'right' thing to do because it is superior for the baby.
I would never co-sleep because I sleep too lightly - it would be my idea of torture. It has nothing to do with encouraging 'independence' - just my own survival! If others find it the best way to manage sleep with a baby or child, then that's fine by me.

I have seen 2 cases on internet forums recently where in the first case a father was concerned about his daughter still sleeping with his ex wife at 12 and another where a stepmum was concerned bout her stepdaughter 11 wanting to sleep in bed with her and her DP because that's what she did at mums.

With the admittedly clumsy term "infantilises children" I am referring to the practice of some parents who for reasons of their own, do not challenge their children and so keep them behind developmentally.
It is my view that children need to be challenged all the time so that they can grow in confidence and independence. This is the way DSD and DD have been raised, they are both very confident, independent children.
Thread after thread on Ms'Net has parents at a loss because their unchallenged continuum concept raised baby/child cannot cope with new circumstances. That imo cannot be good for any child.

where are those threads? Haven't seen any. And I'm not a continuum concept parent myself (well, not deliberately, haven't bothered to read up on it).

I mean, we don't need to raise a generation of emotionally disturbed Empire builders these days, so no need to separate children from their families at a very tender age, handing them over to nanny during infancy and packing them off to boarding schools as soon as possible. It's OK to be kind to your child.

Dd starts off in her own cot and then gets in with me any time after 9pm, usually. I love it, all snuggled up together.

But in the back of my mind I always feel a bit like I've failed because she doesn't sleep through, in her own bed.

It also causes problems when we spend the night at friends, as she won't settle without me, and we don't tend to have visitors in the evening, what would we do? All go to bed at 9pm?

So, it has caused as many problems as it has solved, IMO.

lol, edam. I was just wondering about where these threads after threads about continuum-raised problem children are. Who do I check with to find out whether my dcs are continuum-raised? I need to know because I can then look out for their issues with coping with new circumstances.

Not all HCPs are anti-cosleeping; my mw gave me a leaflet on it when I was pregnant with dd and the hospital mws actually encouraged me to give it a go when I was in hospital. I ended up doing it on and off for the first 6 months or so (usually starting dd in the cot but then taking her in for a feed and to sleep for the rest of the night when she woke up) but told myself this was not officially cosleeping because the literature was very firm on swapping your duvet for blankets, which I never quite got around to doing!

Elenor- I see your point- but some people feel that by giving their child what is an ultimate security- they grow to be happily confident and well adjusted. Being cruel to be kind- leavin g them to cry for ages in their own moses basket felt wrong in the extreme for me.
There's no right or wrong - just what feels right for each family.
Assumptions either way nearly always are disproved for one reason or another.
Desmond Morris- Supernannies brutal unnatural child rearing techniques

I've got the "Continuum Concept" and the whole ethos behind it is that attachment style parenting actually makes them more independent and confident because they have all their needs met at the right developmental age. I've read quite a few articles that suggest, with boys in particular, smothering them with love and affection when very small helps their later emotional and pyschological development.

I personally think that Gina Ford may be biased because her ethos and business is so different to this approach.

I actually think co-sleeping is the best thing you can do for a newborn (and for yourself if you're breast feeding). I get fed up with people who say they've got to get used to being in their own bed, and stuff like that. These are tiny babies who need to be with their mothers. I did it with my daughter until it became apparent that I was disturbing her sleep, at about eight months. It took a few nights to get her used to a cot, and she was still coming in bed around 2am for a while, but the transition wasn't so hard.

I didn't intend to before baby was born - I was paranoid that she'd suffocate - but once we'd shared a bed I knew that she wouldn't. I felt that I was sleeping with a heightened awareness of her presence.

I co-slept with DS until he was about 6 months (and I am a HV too). It definitely felt the right thing for me to do and I would co-sleep again.
Eventually DS went into a cot at six months with no problems as by this point he and I were waking each other up every time there was movement.

Now as a HV I am told to advise against co-sleeping BUT I would co-sleep myself if I had another baby.

Some parents actively WANT to co-sleep and then I just review the safety guidelines with them.

So glad to see this thread kicking off (by which I mean, becoming populated by adult, balanced and intelligent conversation).

I absolutely love co-sleeping with DS. He starts in his cot, but always comes to bed with us at midnight or so, never cries at night, bfs a couple of times (or nonstop if he's teething or sick, like now), and cuddles like crazy. Then in the morning, he grabs my hand and says "mama," and pulls me out of bed. I can't think of an easier or more lovely way to start the day!

He's very secure and confident. He's gone to a new nursery today because his normal carer is sick, and he settled in without any trouble, just waved bye-bye to my mum who dropped him off and went in with the other kids to play, to I am not at all worried at extended bf or/and co-sleeping are stunting his development. Quite to the contrary, I think, but who knows; perhaps he'd be exactly the same if he'd been sleeping in his own cot from the start and started out on formula.

The other thing is, as I just wrote that I realized, that kids are so different from one another. DS never wanted to sleep alone, some kids don't like co-sleeping. Same with bf; my friend's DD weaned herself at 12 months, just lost interest, while DS is a boob-monster. So we find our way, with our particular kid, and whether it makes a difference or not is just something we can tell ourselves when we're really stinking tired from a night of kicking/bf-ing, or having to re-settle LOs in their cots.

I just really liked the article, the way it was mostly unapologetic, and normalized the idea of co-sleeping just a little bit.

Forgot to say earlier, although I co slept with dd2, I could never have done so with dd1. SHe just would never ever sleep in our bed. Actually, she wouldn't really sleep much anywhere but her sleeping did gradually improve when she was in her own bedroom, at over the age of one.

I mixed and matched with mine.
If they came into my room they ceratianly weren't sent back. They still do it occasionally when ill or upset.
That said my SIL co slept with hers each and every night despite the fact that my BIL hated it and didn't like having to sleep in the guest room in his own house. And the GPs refused to do it so they could never babysit.

Co - slept with with ds, this seemed to happen naturally. I noticed that he seemed to sleep more deeply and for longer periods when he was in my bed.

This was such a boon, as I found the disturbed sleep that is part and parcel of having a baby really hard.

So continued co - sleeping with ds until 2.5yrs. The transition of moving him from my bed to his own bed in his own room was remarkably easy. He is nearly five now. Since transferring him to his own bed, he has never slept in our bed. He seems to sleep soundly and deeply all night (8.30pm - 7.30pm)

Co - slept with dd right from the start (even in hospital after she was delivered) and it has been a success I think. It really helped me cope with disturbed sleep. We are planning to move her to her own bed just as soon as Next deliver her bed!!

I think it has benifited my dc's and was good for me too.

I am going to read the article now!!

I think the theory is that children are more confident,not less,if you give them what they need when they are tiny,which is basically mummy close by.Certainly my daughter is a very confident three year old aand is has been commented on in school now that she is having some school time.I understand that some people don't feel this but personally it feels natural to me and my husband to sleep close to our daughters until they seem ready to move on.I doubt they will still be teenagers cwtching up to us!I like being able to reach out and touch them if I wake and its easy,they start off in the big bed and we follow later.Sometimes it is a bit cramped,but I am not trudging back and forth to another bedroom to breastfeed.Re:the mother's comfort thing...If its nice for the mother,and the children are enjoying it too,them what exactly is the problem? I think secretly people view bed sharing as something done with a sexual partner and get slightly freaked out by it.But humans are primates who have slept together for millennia,it is the norm,really,for us as a species.

Northernrefugee, loved the Desmond Morris article- will buy his new book when it comes out.