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Original poster

Cliche, caught husband watching porn.

47 replies

Krispiecakes24 · 04/08/2025 00:59

First time poster, long time lurker. I've read so many people receiving words of wisdom here and I can't believe I'm posting. Here goes.

Married 16 years, together 20 and 2 DC. Found my husband's phone in the bathroom of our holiday apartment, still on and showing lesbian porn. He came back to gwt it and saw me so he knows I know. I am so shocked and upset. I know some people are ok with porn but we've never used it in our relationship and never discussed that he uses it sometimes. It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable, stupid and naive. He's not who I thought he was.

Cliche, we've been having less sex lately for the usual reasons - young kids, busy lives, too tired but we've been speaking about it (at my insistence) and we've always been able to speak about anything. I get upset about lack of affection from him, I feel like he jumps straight to sex when he's barely touched me for days and I hate it.

We've talked tonight once DC were in bed and he was almost defensive, said most men watch porn, it's a fantasy and not real life and he's really ashamed. I told him how it made me feel and he said nothing. I honestly don't know where we go from here. We're working on other issues and have looked into marriage counselling but never got round to booking anything.

He's ruined our holiday (I feigned feeling unwell to explain my mood to DCs and missed out on a sunny afternoon with them) and I feel he's ruined us. Am I being melodramatic? He's sleeping in another room tonight, not sure how long we'll get away with that in front of DC. I love our family so much, I'm just devastated.

OP posts:
Encrochat · 04/08/2025 05:08

So what?

Encrochat · 04/08/2025 05:10

Dunno why he has to be ashamed. If my h brow beat me like this for being a bit horny and wanting a quick wank I'd be miffed.

Walkden · 04/08/2025 05:12

"It's made me feel ugly, unwanted, undesirable"

Kind of like your husband feels when you turn him down repeatedly?

If you don't want sex and your husband does why are you surprised he is sorting himself out ?

Up to you to decide whether this is a red line for you and worth breaking up your holiday but you have said you haven't discussed porn use prior to this.

raysofhope · 04/08/2025 05:16

i totally disagree with the first 2 responses. It is great to know your boundaries, and great not to accept porn use. Continue to reiterate this to your husband, whilst also being really open, respectful and thoughtful in discussions about how you would like to reconnect and have intimate time together more. Make sure you are trying to find opportunities to connect and be available for sex.

MyAcornWood · 04/08/2025 05:18

Sorry I do understand that you’re feeling upset but I feel like this is being blown out of proportion… and I say that as someone who really dislikes porn on a moral basis.

Many, many people use porn on a regular basis and if it’s never been discussed between the two of you as a no-go, or deal-breaker, I am actually feeling a little sorry for your husband. With a failing sex life at the moment, he’s obviously just looking for a quick and, to his mind, harmless solution.

You have also stated it’s made you feel unwanted and ugly but also say he does actually try to initiate sex but you turn him down. Somewhat of a contradiction, as clearly he does desire you, and perhaps the impression you’re giving him is that HE is unwanted.

With all that being said, if this really is a dealbreaker for you, you need to communicate that to him and explain that it isn’t something you’re comfortable with. You say ‘we’ don’t use porn but what you mean is that you don’t and you simply assumed he didn’t either.

NeedZzzzzssss · 04/08/2025 05:21

I think the main reason women get upset about this, is that they are jealous that someone else can arouse their partner which is fair enough, it's going to make most feel a bit inferior. But the reality is most men do it, and if you're not having as much sex then it's even more likely. It's unrealistic to think men never watch porn, that would actually be weird, especially as it's so accessible.

Glitchymn1 · 04/08/2025 05:22

This reads like AI. If it’s a deal breaker then communicate it to him.

Encrochat · 04/08/2025 05:37

I see it as low level thought control

BuddhaAtSea · 04/08/2025 05:38

I’d turn sex down too if all he was doing was a wham bang thank you ma’am. And if I’m so knackered and disconnected.
@Krispiecakes24 I’m totally with you on that one. I don’t care how ‘normal’ porn is, it has no place in my relationship. He chose to ‘sort out’ the problem independently, not seeing that the time spent wanking in the loo like a teenager is the last thing that’s going to sort out the relationship Quite the contrary.
His actions made you lose respect and trust. Up to him to sort this shit out.

Ooodelally · 04/08/2025 05:56

I think a lot depends on whether your husband actually knows how you feel about porn? It sound like he maybe didn’t know the strength of your feelings against it and therefore hasn’t had a conversation with you about it. from his point of view I can see how he’s used porn as a means to an end in the moment whilst your sex life is at a low ebb.

financialcareerstuff · 04/08/2025 07:10

OP, I’m sorry but I think you are being ridiculous and need to take responsibility for your own feelings. You’ve never discussed porn use with him, yet you feel so strongly about it your marriage might be over for realising he uses what sounds like pretty innocuous, normal adult porn? maybe it is you who have screwed up by not communicating your feelings about it in advance?

it makes you feel unattractive? Maybe that is about your poor self image rather than his fault (as he clearly does show interest in you)

He has ruined the holiday? Maybe YOU have ruined the holiday by over-reacting?

there are other problems and you’ve been thinking of therapy? Maybe you should have been more proactive in getting on with that?

it’s not all on him. You need to look at this more deeply. Why is this bothering you so much? Because of deeper problems in the marriage? Ok, then look at those. But take your own share of responsibility for these issues, or you will get nowhere.

Wolfpa · 04/08/2025 07:20

It sounds as if your reaction has ruined the holiday not the action of watching porn.

it also sounds as if porn is only the issue on the surface and you need to find the root.

once the initial shock has worn off have a conversation with him about not just the porn but what you need to feel wanted.

notevencharging · 04/08/2025 07:21

I think some of these replies are a bit harsh on you OP.

It’s ok for you to feel uncomfortable with him watching porn, and the “all men do it, just chill out” approach is all very well if it’s just an occasional thing he uses when your sex life is infrequent, and you can cope with that.

Unfortunately it doesn’t always end there. My own DH started off just using it when I was tired/he was working away etc, but as he got older it became a replacement for real sex (by that time the kids had grown up and my libido/energy levels were back to normal).

This led to ED issues, resentment and misery that we are still trying to negotiate and it’s caused a massive rift in our marriage.

Therefore you need to have a big talk about your relationship - including both your sexual/intimacy needs, and your boundaries. Probably not going to happen on holiday so I would agree to discuss when you get home and try and enjoy the rest of your trip.

Notmyreality · 04/08/2025 07:32

The fact is all, or overwhelming most,
men do look at porn to a greater or lesser degree. And yes I do too. He is right, it is just fantasy, and doesn’t reflect on you, and is not something to be ashamed of. It’s only an issue if it’s excessive and affecting his ability to have a healthy sexual relationship or if you have an issue with it. Which is your right, but you risk your relationship over it through incompatability. He isn’t in the wrong. And he won’t stop if you ask him. He’ll just lie and continue to do it in secret. Sounds like you have a lot of issues in your marriage but you risk making this the central one when it really isn’t.

KPPlumbing · 04/08/2025 07:59

He's not who I thought he was.

Did you previously think he didn't have a pulse?!

Honestly OP, you were naive to think he's not always watched porn.

It's up to you if this is a deal breaker for you. DH and I both watch porn, so its not an issue for either of us.

Men like looking at naked women - it's not a reflection on you and your body and not a sign that your DH finds you inadequate in any way.

kinkytoes · 04/08/2025 09:41

OP this is in the News topic you might want to get it moved to Relationships where you'll get more responses.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 04/08/2025 10:19

Separate rooms isn't going to sort this out. As you had never discussed it he probably didn't realise it was a deal-breaker for you. He may even have assumed you use it too. Obviously now he knows so you need a reset. You can't control who he mastubates to, just like he can't control who you do. If you have objections to porn for ethical reasons then explain why you don't want him watching it. Would you be comfortable with erotic literature for example - where are you drawing the line? If you are saying that he must think of you and you alone then you are probably being a bit unreasonable (can you honestly hand on heart say you only ever think of him?). Once he has the information then he needs to decide how realistic this is. Can he adjust now he knows it hurts you? Everyone has their red lines and you can draw yours wherever you want but you need to communicate it and he needs to then decide if he can live with that. Please don't conflate this with his relationship with you though. Having a wank is entirely separate from having sex with you. He may want to do both in one day and one is not a replacement for the other. Your feelings about feeling ugly and unwanted etc are a you problem that is separate. He could help with that by having sex with you more and complimenting you and telling you how much you mean to him but him getting off on his own doesn't mean he desires you any less.

TheFatCatSatOnTheMat · 04/08/2025 10:25

OP if porn is a deal breaker for you that’s absolutely fine but just be prepared that means you will have a very limited dating pool in the future.

I don’t like porn and I think the industry is bleak and awful, however I don’t think your husband having the occasional wank to porn is in anyway unusual or personally disrespectful to you.

Lolamorte · 04/08/2025 10:28

Encrochat · 04/08/2025 05:10

Dunno why he has to be ashamed. If my h brow beat me like this for being a bit horny and wanting a quick wank I'd be miffed.

I think anyone caught doing something immoral and harmful to others would be ashamed. Nothing wrong with a wank, it’s the pornography the OP is objecting to.

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 04/08/2025 10:29

Yes you’re being melodramatic

Lolamorte · 04/08/2025 10:34

financialcareerstuff · 04/08/2025 07:10

OP, I’m sorry but I think you are being ridiculous and need to take responsibility for your own feelings. You’ve never discussed porn use with him, yet you feel so strongly about it your marriage might be over for realising he uses what sounds like pretty innocuous, normal adult porn? maybe it is you who have screwed up by not communicating your feelings about it in advance?

it makes you feel unattractive? Maybe that is about your poor self image rather than his fault (as he clearly does show interest in you)

He has ruined the holiday? Maybe YOU have ruined the holiday by over-reacting?

there are other problems and you’ve been thinking of therapy? Maybe you should have been more proactive in getting on with that?

it’s not all on him. You need to look at this more deeply. Why is this bothering you so much? Because of deeper problems in the marriage? Ok, then look at those. But take your own share of responsibility for these issues, or you will get nowhere.

I’m a bit astonished that any woman would blame another woman for reacting negatively to her husband paying for women to strip and have sex for him? My morality doesn’t stretch to ‘all the other kids do it’- if sexual exploitation is wrong, it’s wrong. This man evidently doesn’t assume that his wife accepts him indulging a harmful vice, that’s why he expressed shame. My advice is, never do things you’re ashamed of, shame is a feeling that you need to listen to.

Disturbia81 · 04/08/2025 10:57

This is why I’m single as I hate it, and know they will use it. If they used normal looking people and it was all homemade stuff it would be better. Instead they use barely 18 tiny hairless women doing all sorts of horrible shit. No wonder we feel inferior. And we shouldn’t have to feel like that.

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 04/08/2025 10:59

I caught dh when I was a week pp after a horrific emsc.
Our relationship has never recovered.
Been 11 years.

Disturbia81 · 04/08/2025 11:04

KPPlumbing · 04/08/2025 07:59

He's not who I thought he was.

Did you previously think he didn't have a pulse?!

Honestly OP, you were naive to think he's not always watched porn.

It's up to you if this is a deal breaker for you. DH and I both watch porn, so its not an issue for either of us.

Men like looking at naked women - it's not a reflection on you and your body and not a sign that your DH finds you inadequate in any way.

Gross.

Disturbia81 · 04/08/2025 11:05

financialcareerstuff · 04/08/2025 07:10

OP, I’m sorry but I think you are being ridiculous and need to take responsibility for your own feelings. You’ve never discussed porn use with him, yet you feel so strongly about it your marriage might be over for realising he uses what sounds like pretty innocuous, normal adult porn? maybe it is you who have screwed up by not communicating your feelings about it in advance?

it makes you feel unattractive? Maybe that is about your poor self image rather than his fault (as he clearly does show interest in you)

He has ruined the holiday? Maybe YOU have ruined the holiday by over-reacting?

there are other problems and you’ve been thinking of therapy? Maybe you should have been more proactive in getting on with that?

it’s not all on him. You need to look at this more deeply. Why is this bothering you so much? Because of deeper problems in the marriage? Ok, then look at those. But take your own share of responsibility for these issues, or you will get nowhere.

Poor self image? That is so gaslighting.. OF COURSE she will feel insecure. Her poor image is because of what he’s filling his head with.