"Children don't add to happiness"

[emkana]

So says a professor who has done extensive research into what makes people happy. He also said in an interview in the Independent today:

"The presence of children detracts from the quality of marriage, at least to the quality of the modern, romantic, equal marriage. The situation becomes even more unhappy in modern marriages where the mother is working and looking after children."
But what of those who say that having children was the best thing they ever did? "These people might think so, but they don't know how life would have been if they hadn't had children." But the trend reverses at the age of 85, when those with children are happier than those without.

I think that's a load of rubbish, really! I am far far happier than any of my still childless friends. And what of the unhappiness that the yearning for a child can bring?
I can accept that children don't necessarily bring happiness for everybody, but to suggest that I only think I'm happy because I don't know how good my life would have been without children is just rubbish.
Anybody agree with this man?
The full article is here

violently happy in small doses but then he goes over and it becomes too much and the screaming starts.....

It's more a problem that he starts wanting to go and look at them all the time- there's one off his classroom and he worked out on his visit there that if he requested the toilet then he was allowed in the room- he could then sit on the toilet for 2 seconds then charge into get a quick look at the washing machine. They'll cope with it fine- just may have a noisy start to term. Once the ground rules are set it'll be OK.

dh was right www I am the amazing non-labouring woman. I would rather do nothing than this......

Interesting that he makes the point that people who are convinced having children made them happier, don't know how happy they would have been without children, but doesn't seem to apply the same rule the other way round, ie those who haven't had children and are happy also don't know how much happier they would have been with children.

And the things he points out as being contributory to unhappiness, are not so much to do with children themselves, as with the society in which we operate when we have children. So the fact that the equality of a relationship is threatened when children come along, is not to do with children per se, it's to do with our society, surely?

Just skimmed the article but it looks like sets out various statistics and then theories attempting to explain the statistics, eg "Young women aged 15 to 30 tend to be happier than young men, probably because women tend to be more interested in older men, so those of their own age become frustrated" Sorry????? So thats the reason is it????
I was very happy before ds, did everything I wanted to do ,had him in my late 30s, was never particularly broody etc, but no question that am happier than have ever been because of him

Best of luck jimjams.
I've been out of touch for ages so didn't know you were due.
xxxxxxxxx

the drugery, hard work pennyless living which has been the last 15 years cannot be descibed as being always happy - but are we always happy? my best memories and my worst memories are tied up with having children - the hardest deepest crying til i burst laughing - from my children - the greatest thing they said, the insecurity, the being poor, the worry and heartache the problems the disapointments.then the smile or the word orthe kind deed just the "i love you" of a boy who is 15 - what 15 year old boy who thinks he is gods gift to "gangstas" says "mummy ...( creep) i love you? its fab. the lowest lows and the highests highs are all wrapped up min my children and if i had any problems that didnt concern them or affect them or their lives - they have little effect - emotion i doubt very much a childless person could ever even imagine in their wildest

Great post, custardo!

Bravo Custardo

Beautifully put, custardo.

I don't care what it would have been like had I not had my kids
They are my raison d'etre
To live without ever knowing the smell that they leave, if you could bottle it I'd pay everything I have, as I know all too soon it's gone.
I am not sure I ever experienced true happiness without it being inspired by my children: the pride, the worry, the smiles, the mishaps, the costs, the mess, the sleepless nights, the joy, the shared achievements, the simple amazing memory that is looking at them and seeing what you've made.
They're mine, they make me happy beyond belief...

Custardo, you put it so eloquently. That's exactly what parenting is - the hardest, and the best thing I've ever done. If I had never had ds I'd probably be reasonably happy because I wouldn't know what I was missing - but I did have him and that has opened a whole new and fascinating world.

He isn't saying anything new. Practically every single study into happiness says the same thing. And it's true that children are not good for marriage (more breakups). I love being a mummy and (shhh!) feel really sorry for my childless friends who don't have any children, but I also strongly suspect that after we vanish into the night, taking our three year old, thirteen year old and large ungainly bump with us, they shut the door, pour themselves a huge G&T, watch Midsummer Murders (or just pop out on a whim to the cinema or to dinner, sigh!) and think, 'Thank God that isn't my life".

Happiness isnt everything is it? When we all get to the ripe old age of 94 and someone asks us "what did you do with your life" those of us who have not written a blockbuster novel or won the nobel peace prize are going to say "I brought up these wonderful children". I am prouder of my son than I ever was of a promotion at work, getting a pair of designer shoes or loosing 3 stone (all of which made me very smug before ds).

Children are bl**dy hard work - so is anything worth doing. I wouldn't say I am happier with children but I do think that now I am actually living my life rather than just coasting along pleasing myself.

Duh! Can't believe I wrote 'childless friends who don't have any children"!! What a twit!

It's also true that people in general are happier when they are old, which I think is rather nice, as it is something to look forward to.

I'm a wee bit uncomfortable with the idea that all those childless people out there are carefree, childfree people who can't imagine how much joy and fulfilment children bring. One of my friends would desperately like to be a mother (her and her DH have been married for about fourteen years now) and they just can't have children - nothing physiologically wrong with either of them, it just hasn't happened for them. I know that when they've left my small, untidy, noisy, messy, domestically challenged house, they return to their stylish, gracious haven of peace and tranquility, let out a sigh of relief to have escaped from us, and would give up all that peace, tranquility and stylishness in an instant to be afflicted by a similar noise and mess. The idea that having children would not add to their happiness is plain downright stupid. I know they'd give almost anything in the world to have children, and it would most certainly add to their enjoyment of life.

But it's not just this bloke opining that children don't make you happy, honest. I have written a feature about what makes people happy, and study after study after study of large groups of people (who report on their own happiness levels btw) finds that people are happier if they have good social networks, interesting work where you have a chance to control your own life/workload, good health, enough money to alleviate worry (though being a millionaire isn't a happiness producer in itself, oddly ) do make people happier than average, while those with children do not report happier lives than those without in general. Many studies have shown that being religious and right wing makes you happier than being atheist and left-wing, but I suspect that shows that complacency makes you happy, or at least content!

Exactly. And I suspect that those without children are more likely to have the other things which lead to happiness, like control over your own life, than those who don't. (Let's face it, as soon as you have children, any control you ever had over your life is gone forever! )

Actually, I think there are lots of things about not having children which make you happy. Only you don't appreciate them until you have kids and its too late! Its a classic case of 'If I had my time again.......' I would never not have my children as they bring me so much happiness and without being cheesy, do make me feel 'complete', but am not blind to the benefits a life without.

Well also another point is being a grandparent.
My Mum,MIL and FIL and my DH's nana dote on their great grandkids and /or grandkids, they are their focus, I know certainly that they derive MUCH happiness from them, which then makes you notice that if you don;t have kids, you won't have grandkids..
Although you will be richer after xmas than most grannies
Today all the Grands got rewarded by dd taking her first inter room walk....
Their faces... Twas unmistakably happiness

Go on then Oxocube, what?

What immediately springs to my mind is:

Having a lie in.
Not having toys and clothes strewn around the place 10 minutes after you've done a tidying up blitz.
Not having to have anything to do with HV's or schools.
Being able to go out without finding a babysitter.

And the first two items you can apply to not having a DP!

Piffle, so agree with you. I have an aunt who is now in her seventies, who constantly makes remarks like "I wish they were my grandchildren" about my kids, and "I wish I'd had kids". It really brought it home to me that the sadness of not having them doesn't end with the menopause. I always used to assume that it did, crass youth that I was.

I'm not sure who to attribute this quote to but I love it...

Happiness is Someone to love, something to do and something to hope for.

I think having children has helped me fulfill this.

I wonder why people do this kind of research? Is someone out to put an end to reproduction? Why is there so much research done and so much published about how you are better off not having children.

If people have made the choice not to have children then they should be contented with their decision. I made a choice to have children, quite probably spurred on by some natural biological urge exisitng from millions of centuries ago, and I am happy with that decision. I don't really need someone else try to measure how happy I might have been had a I not had children.

Just adding some more thoughts. I don't dispute that people can be happier without chidlren but I just think it is a weird thing to measure. What IS happiness? And as someone said, is it feasible to expect to be happy all the time?