Inequality in housework: "Mothers are increasingly going out to work, fathers are doing the childcare - it looks like equality, but what about the chores?"

[morningpaper]

Article in this morning's Family Section

I was reading this article this morning about how, even in dual-income households, women are still expected to do most of the chores.

It was interesting and I'm quite sure is true, although the question that I didn't feel it addressed was 'why?' and how we can change this for our children.

I can HONESTLY say that I have never asked DP to 'put a load of washing on' or 'hoover up' - but we are both really anal about housework. I was actually reading in the conservatory this while he was packing the children's bags and supervising the children because he has taken them out for the day so I can get on with some work.

I don't know why his expectations are of housework-equality, except that he did act as 'carer' to his mother as a child a great deal, so the idea of a woman running around after him is not one he has learnt.

I must admit that my first husband was utterly useless and when I left him I left full instructions on how to use the washing machine and a pile of his favourite recipes . I don't know whether I would put up with this now - obviously I like this think not, but if I was married to an incompetent then maybe I would just get on with the bulk of the housework for an easy life.

So, what sets men's expectations that a woman will do the cleaning and housework? And how do we change it for our sons/daughters?

dejags - and isn't that "new way" incredibly boring... who on earth wants to compete with their partner on chores accomplished/outstanding?

I fear, when I read threads like this, that people need to get a grip. If your relationship is that bad, you need help.

Oh yes, Anna, I agree that men who don't do a full half of the housework need help.

lol at ultimate pissing contest Dejags. On the whole we don't do this but of course sometimes we have the odd competitive conversation about who had the toughest day (DH: Ds was a pita and dd screamed for half an hour. Me: "well my commute was FOUR AND A HALF HOURS today because the train was late and I haven't eaten since 1pm")

Anna, I think it's better than any old way where women did it all.

agree with xenia about the pt work part of things. when we both worked ft, dh knew he had no excuses and pulled his weight. to be fair, life was pretty easy anyhow as we had paid help as well, so less to do. when I wasn't working at all, I felt more able to cope with more housework. now, as my hours increase, I feel the strain more as things have become a pattern. mind you, my dh is pretty good at lots of housework stuff but it feels like I'm taking on more outside work and same housework = more knackered. i can see it being a common pattern

Also scrubbing toilets and floors is good exercise for a lot of men who sit around too much. They can incorporate it as part of their new year weight loss regime and it's cheaper than the gym.

Oh ladies, your posts are giving me a headache and making me feel that my domestic misery is what, my fault now!?!
Pre kids my DH and I were not house proud ?Hyacinth Bucket?s?, we weren?t dirty or slovenly but worked together when domestic stuff needed doing, took turns to cook, had extreme lie ins at the weekend and the emphasis was on having good fun.
However, when DS1 appeared I firmly snapped on my ?mommy hat? and DH stayed the same.
DH had an accident whilst I was on ML and he became SAHD and I worked full time, after 8 months I was on anti-depressants.
DH was a fabulous father and that is where it stopped! He looked after our son with perfection but the house was left to me after an 8 hour day and a 5 day week, even the food DS ate in my absence had been prepared by me, bottles, cups etc and the general washing up was left to me as was everything else.
On the verge of running away and never looking back I explained again and again to DH that I could not live like this I did not have the energy, his argument, ?I want baby to remember me for being with him and not stood at the sink, so chill out,? but where did that leave baby?s opinion of me, he didn?t and still doesn?t care.
Another DS later and one on the way, DH now works full time, I 3 days per week and the argument re who does the most in the home is still ongoing. I have threatened to leave but fell very ill before I was able to do so. Over a period of 5 mths of illness DH blamed himself and promised the earth, now I am well, its business as usual.
I am so sick to death of doing the same old shite day in day out, laundry in, laundry out, shopping, cooking, doing dishes, ironing kids clothes (refuse pointedly to do DHs), making snack boxes, tidying toys, clothes etc from floor, I vacuum downstairs perhaps fortnightly (I do sweep) and upstairs only once DHs dust allergy kicks in.
DH barely remembers to put the rubbish out weekly.
My requests for ?help? are often ?forgotten?, greeted with rolled eyes, deemed ?un-urgent?, or done under great duress.
I am now taking steps to leave.
Though I feel ashamed for wanting to leave, he?s not an alcoholic, wife beater, cheater, gambler, works hard professionally, adores his children and he does love me, so shouldn?t I be happy?