Couple angry over surrogate DNA mix up - don't want child because of their race. Opinions?

[tirednhungry247]

Surrogate gives birth to wrong child after hospital mix-up
mol.im/a/7369307

So saddened and shocked for the family expecting and the little baby. What do we think is the right thing to do here?

I am against all surrogacy. I would happily state this under my real name, and have done in real life conversations. Any person willing to exploit vulnerable women, and treat children as commodities has no place being a parent imo.

@Teddybear45 @ArtichokeAardvark

I'm adopted and had no idea that exclusion by illness was a thing - fucking hell I'm so sorry that it is, I can't believe children like me (originally abandoned or in care) are missing out on loving parents because of this. It's awful.

Please people stop using the ohwrse "their own" or "my own" children. I'm just as much my parents' child as anyone else. As they told us to tell bullies at school - our parents even chose us so we don't deserve to be called less than others.

My family say I had a tummy mummy and then a mummy mummy. I can't believe people who desperately want children are turned away, I'm so sorry to anyone who has been through that experience and I thank you for wanting to love a child who deserves that love

Just to be clear calling my birth mother a "tummy mummy" wasn't lessening or mean, they always taught me she did such a loving thing carrying me to full term, giving birth and then after all of that still wanting me to go to parents who wanted to love and raise a child in order to give me the best chance in life when she didn't feel ready or able to. Ive never met her but I think she did a beautifully kind thing and I'm ever thankful. I acknowledge I'm biased but biology isn't everything. Being a mum or dad is linked to love for a child, not purely genetics.

This case underlines what is wrong with surrogacy - that it treats babies as commodities, to be bought, sold, returned to sender if they don't meet the sale of goods act.

Yes, infertility is a terrible, terrible thing to suffer. But ultimately the adults in the situation have the resilience and maturity to deal with the situation. The baby brought into the situation does not.

And this baby has been brought into being by the choices of the adults around it, then, through no fault of his own, is being rejected by those very adults as substandard, as not what they wanted. That child will have to live with the fall-out from that throughout his childhood - and we all know what knowing you're "unloved" and "unwanted" does to children - then into adulthood. A system which allows such a situation to arise (foreseeably - it's not like this is the first time there's been this sort of cock-up with IVF treatment in general and surrogacy in particular) is wrong. The child's needs should come first every single time.

@ThatCurlyGirl mine abandoned me in a hospital with no care whether I went to a family or orphanage. I get why she did what she did and don't blame her. Abortion was illegal,she had to have me. That must've sucked.

But it wasn't this amazing,loving,,incredible ,selfless act. She did what she had to do. What she was forced to do.

I totally agree with posters who have articulated much better than I ever can why surrogacy is abhorrent and should be banned, worldwide.

Life is shit and unfair, and infertility must be unbelievably painful, but no one has the right to buy/sell a child or rent out a woman’s uterus.

I find it chilling that the woman in the US that someone sister is paying to be a surrogate finds it no problem to give up a baby she's gestated. What about the baby? That's the only mother he or she knows.

I'm not really too bothered if someone thinks I'm cruel for saying so either. Surrogacy is cruel to the baby.

This case highlights the fact, as with other mix ups in surrogacies, that the race of the child plays a very important role in loving the child for some couples. The dad mentions that he and his wife are blond haired and blue eyed, hence one can infer that he wanted a child who looked externally like him and his wife. There is another case in the US of a homosexual couple who had a sperm donor and their daughter, who is about 5-7 by now, is biracial or dual heritage black and white. This racial identity made the couple seek legal advice and had threatened to break up their marriage/ union. Again in the Netherlands there is a huge case of a man with second generational dual heritage who has fathered about 30 children. He didn't disclaim on the form back then that he was dual heritage as he "passed" as white. The facts only came to light recently and some of the children are in their 30s and 40s. Back then, POC were not allowed to be sperm donors.

In each of these cases, the case is brought as though it is a crime to humanity that there has been black genes being brought together with white genes. I'm in Germany and it could just be the propaganda, but it is not harder to love a black or Asian or Latin American child than it is to love a white child. There is often a submissive sense of a crime based on race. Many of the baby boomers in Germany are from Cuckolding (women who had absent DH slept with other men & soldiers then raised their children with their men on return from the war, but often there was no racial indicators unless the soldiers had been black French or American soldiers). The dad from that article (in the daily facist) seems imo to imply that, along with his genetic link, because of the racial difference, he has to ask permission to parent and love the child or otherwise.

I do too little. But I can also imagine being in the situation where I had to choose between what was best for my existing child regardless of whether it emotionally destroyed me, and then trying not to think too deeply about how the child you carried might feel down the line.

However shit our loan system might be for higher level education it’s a lot better than the USA. Nobody should be in the position where they face that choice.

@StockTakeFucks I totally understand how you feel and respect it - everyone's situation is different, my birth mother left me outside a hospital in England but wasnt much older than a child herself and in the country she fled from she could have attempted to have a "backstreet" termination - which would have been equally heartbreaking (but understandable) for everyone involved.

Abortion where she is from was illegal too but I can't fathom why you as a fellow adopted person would seem to criticise me or try to bring me down for thinking it was a loving act.

I've had a termination following rape and it was completely the right decision for me. I still think my birth mother was brave to carry me to full term. I don't understand what positive you thought your comments could make to me, they are just extremely upsetting.

Bowing out now.

I've been through IVF and come out of the other side still childless. I've got a health condition that prevents me from adopting. Not once have I ever thought that exploiting another woman is the way to go. Surrogacy contracts in the US may be well paid (although if you consider that the work is 24/7 for 40 weeks they aren't actually, especially with the health risks involved), but they are inhuman if you read the finer details - for example, the 'intended parents' can opt for reductive abortion (which would be at quite a late stage) and if the surrogate refuses she's left with all the bills from the IVF and has to refund her fee. Full of terms like that. How anyone can consider them a good idea is beyond me.

@ThatCurlyGirl I do apologise.

I have issues with romanticising adoption and everything alongside it (like BMs) . But that's my problem. On the other side of the coin I also have an issue with the argument of baby being taken away from the only mother he knows when it comes to surrogacy.

However,I admit it was a dick move and I also can see that thinking of it that way, and being expressed that way by your parents must've helped you navigate the confusion and possible heartbreak and probably helped you become a well rounded adult.

Once again I do apologise for lashing out.

I also think he’s been ridiculous expecting the surrogate to keep the baby; it’s definitely not hers in any biological sense.
Yes he is distraught but surely he can’t expect his wife to give up HER biological child? If I was her I’d keep baby dump husband.

I hate surrogacy. Hope this story isnt true

@StockTakeFucks

I feel bad now I've been so defensive too

I think I was lucky my abandonment was so understandable to me, especially coming from an Irish Catholic family (via London!) so I got how limited her options were.

Thank you for your message just now I really appreciate it and do get everyone's situations are totally different.

I feel really bad now for being so defensive! And for what it's worth although I was very well rounded and well behaved as a child and teen, I hit my twenties then went off the rails and it was probably connected.

But I'm but back on track now - so I do get that it can have long term effects even when the abandonment was understandable.

Thank you for your lovely follow up message I really do appreciate it and I'm sorry you've had a tough time too

That's absolutely horrific - the woman could have no choice but to have an abortion she didn't want, because she is unable to afford the fees of carrying the baby to term? That's completely inhumane.

This site in the Ukraine really shows all that is wrong with the concept of commercial surrogacy - www.mother-surrogate.com/mother-or-figure.html

That Ukraine website, shocking.

@Deadringer - That Ukraine website, shocking.

Maybe those who are defending surrogacy on the thread should have a look. It will help them understand why some of us oppose surrogacy in principle, and see that's it not lack of empathy or sympathy for those with fertility issues.

Are you fucking kidding??? I'm opposed to surrogacy in principle so never bother with these links. Regain your figure and become a mother? Too busy for pregnancy- here's a surrogate. That Ukranian link is beyond disgusting.

The model they use as an example actually had fertility issues, her first child was conceived through IVF, 5 rounds if I'm not mistaken.

It's even more disgusting to use someone's infertility (even if they do use surrogacy) as some kind of beacon of "keep your figure ladies".

Fucking bullshit.

Oh my god that website 🤭

I wouldn't believe that existed if I hadn't seen it, whatever anyone's views on surrogacy oh my god that site is fucking horrific ugh

I don’t believe that link will convince most surrogacy supporters there is anything wrong with the principle. It’s too easily dismissed as extreme and in their minds nothing like paying a Western European or USA woman.

@TrainspottingWelsh - I don’t believe that link will convince most surrogacy supporters there is anything wrong with the principle.

You're probably right. People tend to avoid dealing with facts that contradict their opinions. BIL adopted from a foreign country over a decade ago. There were controversies at the time about babies being kidnapped for adoption, locals not allowed to adopt as foreign adoptions were more lucrative, women being coerced into giving their child up for adoption etc. His reaction was that he wasn't interested in engaging with these facts as he might feel guilty going ahead with the adoption.