Guardian Family: Confessions of a Full Time Mother

[morningpaper]

Confessions of a Full Time Mother

"Kirsty Gunn is not working on her next novel. She is not a columnist for the London Review of Books. She has chosen instead to disappear from the professional world and embrace a domestic life just as rich and interesting and inspiring ... "

PAH! She's opted out of the professional world - well except for this article and the book she has just written about her "year as a full time mum" - full time that is, except for the 30 hours a week that her children are at school in which I presume she fannies about writing drivel like this.

At first I thought it was an ironic joke, but sadly not. Perhaps she is friends with that woman who survived the concentration-camp conditions of Fulham after that breeze blew her wooden grapes off the sideboard...

yes you're probably right

"I wonder the same thing about people who are workaholics, Xenia. I mean, I don't get how you'd sell your entire life away for a job. I really don't, because at the end of the day, it's just a farking JOB."

How true!

I mean, seriously, Nadine, even in jobs like say, the Prime Minister, even if the PM dies, the world doesn't stop rotating. Someone just takes over.

That's true about all 'jobs', per se.

So I could never get why people would just be utterly controlled and defined by a job.

It also seems kind of unimaginative to me.

I mean, what kind of person derives all their sense of fulfillment and self-worth from only one thing? BORING.

Sitting here doing the bit of peaceful interesting work I have done here today is more enjoyable than just about anything I might have done, though. That's the interesting thing, isn't it? I know my father would say the same about psychiatry. If you find work you like you can prefer to anything, except perhaps sex. Sadly many people make unwise career choices. Others stay at home and hate it. So pick what you prefer.

As for the children they're getting easier. As someone said below having help at weekends can let you do things with chidlren - when we started having help it was with baby twins and 3 other children to take from A - B and my husband working on Saturdays. Given undivided attention to under 3s instead of trying to manage 5 at once, I just found having the help was good for us all. Now they're 8 yes we're coming to a point when they can get on with their own things as they're doing at the moment as I come in and out of my office.

But I'm not controlled and defined by a job. I am also a mother of five. I also have hobbies and interests. I like that full life. One could argue the 24/7 SAH parent job is just as bad as any alleged workaholism - it's parentaholism and perhaps as much a social evil but we never see that because it is working parents who are criticised in the media not stay at home parents. So when stay at home parents have the tiniest bit of criticism they can hardly handle it. They get over come with the vapours that someone dares to challenge their choice.

'If you find work you like you can prefer to anything, except perhaps sex.'

Surely you must understand that this is not true for all people, even those who enjoy their jobs.

I realise it's true for some, but honestly, it's not just a question of having a job you find interesting for everyone.

Some people truly require many sources of stimulation to feel satisfied and fulfilled as people.

'Why does any SAH parent find it intellectually satisfying to spend the majority of the day repeating dull tasks"

It depends how you repeat the majority of your day though, doesn't it.

I agree that if there's nothing in your head, repeating dull tasks would be... well, dull. But my post about what you can listen to/ think about while you do the dull tasks, is my attempt to explain why it can be intellectually satisfying - far more than talking to dull people in offices about how to fix the figures so we can convince their client to buy on our stupid TV channel that no-one watches. And also, you don't have to do dull tasks. You can sit and read the Bookseller of Kabul, or go out like YR and talk about interesting stuff with other people. The only dull tasks I have to do, are the ones I'm paid for.

Some people make a living repeating dull tasks day in, day out.

Also, most people don't have jobs they love. If they're lucky, they have jobs which are OK most of the time. But the majority of people would give up their jobs tomorrow if they won the lottery, and choose to do something else. They may not choose to stay at home, but they would probably not choose the job they are doing currently.

And it's not because they make "unwise career choices" (what a patronising formulation), it's because there are not enough fascinating, absorbing stimulating jobs to fascinate, absorb and stimulate every human being capable of doing them. Most jobs are way below the intellectual capacity of the people doing them - even the nominally high-powered ones.

god how I agree with you Caligula. one wonderful, fantastic thing about being at home is the amazing amount of brain space I suddenly acquired, now I am not dealing with 400 emails a day and thinking about foreign exchange rates. it is bloody liberating, frankly, and I am quite sad at how much of my heart, body and soul I sold into slavery for so many years.
I don't say that the drudgery doesn't wear a bit thin sometimes, but parenting two children is fulfilling work. if that involves wiping down the high chair a zillion times a day, who cares? I am lucky and thankful to have the choice

Agree Harpsi. Sometimes I look back at my twenties and early thirties and am very sad that I wasted so much of my youth and energy thinking about crap.

Here, here, harpsi and Caligula!

But you can do both. You can have a career you loved or a job you loved which you gave up for a few years to look after a young child/children.

The other great thing about having a career break after having children is that you have time to put your life into perspective. For example, I no longer think it is ok to slave away my time on large corporate deals for multi-billion companies. I used to study or work 12 to 15 hours a day in my childless years and thought it was ok. It isn't ok. It is slavery no matter how good the money.

Oh yes, the last couple of high-status jobs I had I loved, but I wouldn't have done them if I hadn't been paid for it.

The jobs Xenia is talking about, like psychiatry, are really the sort of thing which is so interesting that you would like to think about them even if no-one is paying you to. Ditto Tigermoth's, imo.

Oh and Xenia, the comments you make about SAHM's are not "the tiniest bit of criticism" they are deliberately provocative and insulting and designed to elicit a strong response. And it is simply very tedious, because we've all heard it all before.

I agree expat about always someone else to fit your boots (nearly posted as much myself but can't be arsed) and I agree with Caligula too.

But this is getting soooooooooo tedious. Round and round and round we go. It's not like this WOHM v SAHM debate is coming around annually its every farking week with Xenia. I just wish she'd give it a rest.

I can see how it would be good to have another pair of hands at weekends if you have younger children, especially if you have 3 or more under school age. And Jimjams, of course I can see how you'd value the flexibility of having help at weekends.

Xenia, I am glad you are thinking of phasing out the nanny routinely at weekends for your 8 year olds. I am assuming that they are not particularly needy or demanding and do not need round-the-clock, one-to-one attention from an adult now. And I take it you normally don't need to do a full days work at your job every saturday and sunday, so can plan to have more weekend time minus another carer for your twins without neglecting your work responsibilites.

Are you looking forward to it? Have you any plans about what you will do so both you and your twins have a nice and fulfilling weekend together?

yes, quite so YR. I don't think I could ever go back to that kind of life (I think you and I probably did very similar jobs before actually).
Xenia also seems to think that SAHMs are all wearing Cath Kidston pinnies and icing fairy cakes all day. whereas in reality lots of us do a mixture of paid work in and outside the home and a fair bit of voluntary stuff too. committees, trust boards, organising events, carrying harpsichords.... we have lives you know...

you forgot being a whore for your dh

harpsi - are you or were you a lawyer ? sympathies !!

I have a nanny at weekends, he's called the husband

yes, I was a lawyer. I suppose I still am technically
I was barrister and then I work in house for a while doing transactional work and M&A. I have had a long, chequered and tedious career

nadine - lol - dh never pays me for that

actually, just reread your message xenia, and I see I am jumping to conclusions - you are saying that your 8 year olds are becoming easier, and they do get on wtih their own thing, but you don't actually say you are phasing out the nanny. I am intrigued.

gosh harpsi - as dull as my banking work then !