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Women who leave their children

122 replies

sandyballs · 22/06/2006 13:32

I'm interested in your views on this article.
Sorry, fail constantly with links

www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=391876&in_page_id=1879

It's a subject close to my heart as my sister in law has left her 4 children, and although I try not to judge her, I just cannot get my head around what she has done, and how she can bear to live separately from them.

No parping because it's in the Daily Mail

OP posts:
mummyofeb · 22/06/2006 21:35

I am one of 4 children and my mother walked out when I was 16, the youngest was 10 at the time.

This was a shock to us when she announced on the day she left. My parents were never really around as they worked in restuarants so we didn't get to see much of them and "know them". Mum decided that she was in love with another man who had more in common with her.

What really hurt was when she told my dad as she left "you can keep the kids as they share your surname and tell them that their mother is dead". That was it, 4 years later, she managed to use a mutual friend whose daughter was my best friend to ask my dad for my phone number whilst I was at uni. She phoned and there were tears.

My sister and I do not have a great relationship with her, mainly because we think that she is not a good role model for us and my sister was affected the most as she went through teenage years with no female in the house (I was at uni).

We see mum occasionally but usually it's when she calls us. Mum seems to have generated money from thin air and keeps insisting on giving my sister £100 in cash as "pocket money" or to help her at uni. Sounds like compensation to me. She also treats us like as if we're still 10. I'm sorry but she's missed her opportunity to demonstrate her ability as a responsible and caring mother. She needs to understand that although we'd like her to be there for us, we don't need her in the same way as we did when she wasn't there.

lisalisa · 22/06/2006 21:41

Message withdrawn

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 21:43

My SS has not lived with his mother since he was 3. contact has been tbh scarce. she doesnt phone, he is too scared to phone. dh and i maintain the contace so we can not be blamed . ss is screwed up. has an awful relationship with women is aggressive to most women, us been in trouble with police, drugs, expulsion you name it. has done his damnest to seperate Dh and me. he has wanted to live with her. At christmas it came to a head and we were on the point of seperating. Mother said she would have him at 16. 16 came this month, no way. The comment oh when i(mother) remarried it was only partner and me just the two of us not three. Sums it up really. And if she is on here she will recognise this and i dont give a monkeys because one day she will look for her son and he wont be there.

HowVeryDareYou · 22/06/2006 21:45

My mum left me & my 2 sisters (10, 13, 15) to be with the man she had been having an affair with for the previous 4 years, her parting comments were "I never wanted children and certainly not you three", she refused to see us or have us to stay (my parents actually fought over who didn't want custody!!), then she moved her new partners children in to her new house & brought them up instead. She is now on her third marriage & has new step children not much older than my children.

It has taken me many, many years to realise that I am not unlovable, and that SHE is the one with the problems. My sisters & I have all suffered emotionally as a result of her behaviour & to this day I will never understand how she could do it.

Tiredemma - I know what you mean when you say you could write about it all day, it just doesn't make sense does it? - leaving your children........

brimfull · 22/06/2006 21:48

my dh's mother left him when he was 7 and his brother was 5.

He can't speak about it,has completely shut it out .She got into contact again with him about 15 yrs ago and she keeps in contact now.She trie very hard to be a good granny to my kids but her relationship with dh is very unnatural and stifled.

Nobody ever talks about why she left and what they feel about it....very weird.

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 22/06/2006 21:58

at your stories. my dad left and it screwed me up. (and in the scheme of things it wasn't a terrible divorce, not a great one either - middling to poor, I guess) my mum was devastated but after a year of being seriously ill as a result she managed to brush herself down and work things out - mainly for me. I guess every situation is different but - and please no-one take offence - I can't help wonder if women who've been left are better at picking up the pieces for their kids. I guess there's no one explanation. I just know I couldn't do it. I couldn;t even leave and take them with me.

HowVeryDareYou · 22/06/2006 22:00

Oh, and once when I foolishly tried to discuss a blip in my relationship with my partner with her, her response was "well I was unhappy with your father for 18 years - what makes you think you have the right to be happy?"

She is a witch & we only talk about very superficial things now, Strangely she genuinely seems to be fond of my children (DD still screams when she sees her & has done so ever since she was newborn - who says babies know nothing?)

NotAnOtter · 22/06/2006 22:02

sadly not - he is a boy and he sleeps ...hv picked up on me having unresolved issues - this thread one of them

NotAnOtter · 22/06/2006 22:03

sorry -to interrupt will read thread now

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:05

i do think that there are some women who are non maternal and you cant find that out until you have children. I had got to the stage that i had resigned myself to the fact that i wsnt having children and was enjoying life. i came across in my pregancy as non maternal but when ds1 was born i feel in love and there is no doubt in my mind who my children would be with. I except that women leave their children, but what i do not except and this goes for men as well is the denial that it affect children.

NotAnOtter · 22/06/2006 22:07

howverydareyou - i too could write an epic it just flows out of me..
I was one of four girls and my mother left after two had gone. ( the second being the only one she seemed to like so that made sense)
I dont know how you can all have relationships with yours. I dont want mine to experience the joy of my children - she does not deserve to.

HowVeryDareYou · 22/06/2006 22:08

I don't think my mum was non-maternal as she seems to be doing fine bringing up other peoples children - I just think she was bloody selfish.

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:11

howdare you - maybe because she was non maternal she found it easier to bring up other people children?

NotAnOtter · 22/06/2006 22:12

yes !!! Mine loved others - helped out at a childrens home etc etc etc nut was too far up her own career/degrees ad infinitum etc for anyones good!

thewomanwhothoughtshewasahat · 22/06/2006 22:13

on nicnack - that's so true. I feel like a bit of an interloper here but I don;t talk about this stuff in rl. I'm 35 and a grown up, why should I care about one of my parents leaving when I was a kid? it's not only the ones that leave that deny it. although my mum was brilliant at the time, something happened recently, which indicated that my dad made a duff decision all those years ago and now regrets it. my mum was, undertandably pretty upset, but when she told me and I cried too she said "I don;t know why you're crying". I was stunned that she really didn't understand the impact it had had on me - at the time and even now. quite hurt actually.

HowVeryDareYou · 22/06/2006 22:14

But if you're non-maternal you may as well have a stab at bringing up your own children, it's just rubbing their noses in it when you choose strangers children over blood don't you think?

QE · 22/06/2006 22:17

pedilia - my mum did a similar thing to yours. She walked out, leaving me aged 11 months and my 3.5 year old brother sleeping alone in the house early one evening. My dad returned home from work several hours later to find her gone, me and my brother asleep in bed. Lucky he didn't turn up to a burnt down house and 2 dead kids.

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:18

yes i agree howdare you, but it would have been aneasier relationship for your mother to cope with. I cannot understand how my ss mother can be so dismissive of him and didnt fight for custody, but she according to ss is very good with her dh dh.

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:18

dd i mean.

HowVeryDareYou · 22/06/2006 22:24

What's really crap is that we all have a relationship with her where none of us mention what she did & it's like we're all waiting to be told we're loved and wanted when what we should do is tell her how crap she is, how she's messed us up & refuse to see her ever again, but I think we all realise that she will never take responsibility for her actions or acknowledge that she could ever have been wrong or handled a situation badly, and so it goes on...............

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:24

the women adults never realise how much children pick up conciously or subconciously and many children feel that it is their fault if a parent leaves

nicnack2 · 22/06/2006 22:28

ss is like that he hope that each time he phones or visits this will be the time that mum wants me eyc and he is scared of speaking to her about these feelings. i did it for him and i dont think she should get away with, partly for my ss and partly for me. It was a very interesting converstaion i can tell you. He has been done there a month due back tomorrow. the longest he has been with her in 13 years. will have made a temporay change but she does not want him and he will never believe it.

handlemecarefully · 22/06/2006 22:29

Have just read entire thread and I feel emotionally exhausted and teary . Neither of my parents left me so I feel a bit of a voyeur, but also think I've learnt something from this thread - just how pivotal and vital a mother's love is. Sounds stupid but I sometimes forget that.

sparklemagic · 22/06/2006 23:17

handle, I know what you mean. I've worked in social care for years and have seen again and again that 99% of kids simply want their mum, no matter how neglectful or cruel or abandoning that mother has been - one mother had done things so unspeakable to her daughter that you'd find it hard to believe if you saw it on a TV drama (you'd think they were stretching the bounds of believability!) but when I worked with her gorgeous daughter, all she wanted was to be away from her caring, nurturing foster carers and back with her mum!

I do agree that there is no bond like it and that abandonment by a mother is simply the worst thing there is for most children.

handlemecarefully · 22/06/2006 23:21

What a huge responsibility - I'm going to take it so much more seriously now and try to be the best mum I can be (like my mum was / is!)