Women who leave their children

[sandyballs]

I'm interested in your views on this article.
Sorry, fail constantly with links

www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=391876&in_page_id=1879

It's a subject close to my heart as my sister in law has left her 4 children, and although I try not to judge her, I just cannot get my head around what she has done, and how she can bear to live separately from them.

No parping because it's in the Daily Mail

My dp mum walked out on him and left him with his alcaholic dad who was always in and out of prison meaning that often dp did not eat for days and lived by begging. But dp does not hold a grudge against his mother, in fact he dotes on her and I have to admit that I a quite judgemental of her, although I think I am just as judgemental of men who walk out on their kids without a valid reason.

But it has affected dp in that he is very shy and finds social situtaions difficult and can be very distrusting. But if you dare to say anything negative about his mother he would go mad.

But it has made him a wonderful step parent to dd as he wants her to have everything he never had and he always puts his family first, I have never met a more forgiving and unselfish man in my life. WE are very lucky.

I think whatever the rights and wrongs of each woman's case (and there are some where the woman involved feels so desperate that she feels it's the only thing to do and best for her children), I don't think there's any getting round the fact that for most children, losing their mother in childhood, whether by death or desertion, is the biggest disaster of their whole life, and will affect the way they look at the world for ever after. I just don't think that with a very few exceptions, there is any other comparable loss for most children. Which makes it all the more difficult to understand the sheer selfishness of women like the one MB has described. But I suspect such women go into some sort of denial ("I'm not that important to them - they're happy with their dad") in order to enable them to keep living with the choice they've made.

Has anyone seen Richard E Grant's film Wah Wah? It's all about this.

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

We all have days like you describe, where you feel like chucking in the towel and heading off to the horizon, freedom, no more squabbling kids and dull domesticity. But the actual reality of it, I find unthinkable. My SIL sees her boys twice a month, she doesn't know what goes on in their daily life, who their friends are, what worries they have etc etc. She came round at easter time and seemed shocked to see my DDs at home - she hadn't even realised the schools had broken up .

What I also find hard is the way she slags off her ex DH. Whenever I have met her 4 DSs they have been very clean and well looked after, very polite, lovely boys and her ex seems to be doing a great job in very difficult circumstances, but she doesn't seem to see that, unless its guilt that makes her slag him off.

Won't go into full details as this hits a nerve but my Mum left us (5,4 and 1). My Mum had a nervous breakdown and couldn't cope - she asked for help but was offered a holiday away by SS. My dad fought to get custody of us (wasn't the norm in the 70s). He eventually won. She went to live in the US with my stepdad and I would see her once every few years (used to break my heart). She moved back to UK nearly 15 years ago and I LOVE HER. I did have problems with the rejection (bulminia) but that is in the past. I am glad my kids have wonderful Grandparents who they love to bits. However, I do know that I could never ever leave my kids but there have been times with PND that I felt like walking out so I could totally relate to her. I have a wonderful dh and my life is the best it could be with my Mum back in my life.

lisalisa - you describe how I feel so well...the bit about how sometimes my kids get the mummy they deserve who reads them stories and laughs at things, and sometimes they get the yelling, tired resentful mummy. I am sooooo tired sometimes - I get to the end of the day and can hardly put one foot in front of the other. And it would be so easy to walk away but somehow to even contemplate it for a moment is agonizing. Like cutting off a limb. When I hear about a father leaving you feel sad - for him and the children. When I hear about a mother leaving I feel angry and sick. Don't know why - but the two are NOT the same. Perhaps because I'm a mother.

My CM told me about a friend of hers who left her 3 girls when they were in their early teens to live with another man. She moved into a different house in the same town - she wouldn't have the children in her house although if she met them in the street she would say hello. When asked how she could do it she simply said that she'd done enough for them and needed some time for herself. Perfectly logical but from a mother it sounds like monstrous selfishness. Rejection by a mother is the ultimate rejection.

I wonder if the writer "bolter" in the article has publicised her situation in order to get some attention from prospective publishers?
Although I do hit the roof sometimes when the boys are driving me mad, nothing would part me from them.

No, thinking you wnat time away from our kids is totally different to walking out of their every day life.

It has affected my dh. He simply does not trust women, he is better now than he was because we have been together 10 years. After every row he used to think I would leave He is quite insular and insecure at times.

He knows I love ds more than him because he is always asking me (he knows I love him too of course!) But he like to ask me because he likes my answer because he says a mum should love her kids more than any man and his mum didn't

Message withdrawn

Lisa 13,11,9,3 and 4 months !! I struggle through

dp's mum winds me sky high - always commenting on R did this R did that - when he was young. I am so close to saying 'what the bollocks do you know about him- you had buggered off' but of course i dont! You will never convince me - i DO believe that in majority of cases a maternal gene is just not there. When i got pg with baby5 she commented 'when are you going to stop'
Again a string of comments about how at least i look after mine spring to mind. I dont speak to my own 'mother' - have not done for ten years so those situations do not arise

Message withdrawn

I don;t understand - nor have any understanding for - any parent who walks out without very good reason. and pursuing your dreams or being on you own isn't good enough. it's pretty unforgiveable and selfish whatever your gender.

i have another one that you wont match - evil father - dont speak to him either!!
How many girls/boys do you have?

Message withdrawn

4 boys ! 1 girl ....

Pruni, that is so interesting about your brother.
That is how we fear my step brother will turn out. He is almost 16 now, and steals and lies in a terrifyingly casual way. He really seems to have no regard for anyone, not even his dad. My mum is so worried about how he will end up as she says that he is so unconcerned about who he hurts.

Pruni yes yes yes...just re read your post and ..so true of me too.
Not only did my mum leave but she left me with an abusive father ...i have soo many issues but do -like you- hold it together and am a happy person with a happy stable life now. Having a bit of a post natal wobble and found that the whole world thinks everything is soo rosy for me because thats the front they see....i think my siblings have little sympathy for me as i appear to be a survivor

My mom left us when i was 17 ( not a child but still living at home, still reliant on her) and my brother was 13. At the time it didnt really affect me, it does now though, i have tried to have a relationship with her, but its so hard. i do love her, but i can never forgive her for leaving us and cant understand how she ever could.

She had an affair behind my dads back and decided to leave one night and not bother to contact us for over a week, we were all frantic with worry about her, while she was shacked up with her new bloke.

I coped quite well i suppose, i moved abroad repping, which is something i know regret as i didnt realise the effect this all had on my brother. He idolised our mum, really really loved her. her leaving did nothing short of fuck his life up. he became a heroin addict at 16, crack addict at 20 and has spent the last 4 years in prison, he is incapable of maintaining any kind of normal relationship with anybody and lacks the ability to live his life without being totally reliant, he is angry, lies and severly depressed.

its absolutly down to the fact that his mother left him when he needed her the most, this is why i can never forgive her, because for her selfishness, i have to look at a wasted life everyday, who goes into a blind panic if i havent contacted him by a certain time each day and trusts nobody.

there is so much i could write, i could sit here all day and write about it.
I really could never wake up in the morning in a house without my children there, not ever.

tiredemma - that's a very sad story. do you mind me asking how you dad fitted in to the picture?

my Mum left me and my brother at a neighbours house when I was 11/2 I never saw her again.
She was pregnant with a new boyfriend six months later.

I have two beautiful sons and NOTHING could make me leave them, but i guess she had her reasons, I have no doubt my life has been richer without her.

I am one of 4 children and my mother walked out when I was 16, the youngest was 10 at the time.

This was a shock to us when she announced on the day she left. My parents were never really around as they worked in restuarants so we didn't get to see much of them and "know them". Mum decided that she was in love with another man who had more in common with her.

What really hurt was when she told my dad as she left "you can keep the kids as they share your surname and tell them that their mother is dead". That was it, 4 years later, she managed to use a mutual friend whose daughter was my best friend to ask my dad for my phone number whilst I was at uni. She phoned and there were tears.

My sister and I do not have a great relationship with her, mainly because we think that she is not a good role model for us and my sister was affected the most as she went through teenage years with no female in the house (I was at uni).

We see mum occasionally but usually it's when she calls us. Mum seems to have generated money from thin air and keeps insisting on giving my sister £100 in cash as "pocket money" or to help her at uni. Sounds like compensation to me. She also treats us like as if we're still 10. I'm sorry but she's missed her opportunity to demonstrate her ability as a responsible and caring mother. She needs to understand that although we'd like her to be there for us, we don't need her in the same way as we did when she wasn't there.

my dad was a wonderful father and wonderful husband to my mom, i think he was too boring for her, he loved her ( and still does) more than anything and was an absolute wreck when she left.

He was never nasty to her, if she wanted to do something, she could go and do it - thats why i could never understand why she did it.