Controlled Crying - stress levels stay high even when babies have learned to settle themselves.

[Codandchops]

OMG!!!

Even worse is that I could not bear to leave my DS as a baby so used to sit in the room and re-settle him every 5 mins. How shit is that? He could see me for 5 mins at a time not comforting him (even though after every 5 mins I did comfort him).

Have always felt an irrational guilt about DS's autism and wonder if I made things worse .

Need to read the research and look at numbers involved.

Actually I'm wrong, I have left them to cry if all I've done to comfort them hasn't helped and I'm so depart they're are picking up on it. Them dh takes over or I make a cuppa to calm down and go back. By which point they either settle quickly on my return or are already asleep

And I just read some posts and no I don't think becksharp is smug at all. I don't think not doing cc makes someone smug. For me, I just couldn't, I don't see the logic . I don't know why a baby would need to learn to self sooth so young. I wouldn't want my grand babies left to cry, so why would I leave my babies?

Cc worked for us. I am well aware it's not for everyone, all babies and families are different after all. We had tried every other method in the book but nothing helped the constant night waking, crying, and hours spent desperately trying to settle DS.
I was so sleep deprived I would sit in the toilet sobbing every time DS started screaming through the day , because he was so tired and couldn't self settle, or be calmed by me.
Cc worked within minutes the first time we tried it, and IMO far less stressful for DS than hours crying each night. Now he gets a decent sleep, we all do, and frankly I'm a better mother for it. I have the energy to play with him and spend quality time together. He's learned to self settle and wakes up every morning with a smile.
It would be lovely to just have the luxury of time to let it work itself out. I don't, I'm back to work in 2 weeks and with the severe lack of sleep I was experiencing I would have either crashed the car, or killed someone in my line of work ( healthcare fwiw).
I won't judge others for whatever methods they use, and I don't expect yo be judged either. (if you do choose to judge me, frankly my dear I won't give a damn)

But Beck there are many of us on this thread who believe we have perfectly well-balanced and happy children and who have left our children to cry for a few minutes at a time, for a few days in a row. I often get comments about how secure their attachment seems to be, and I don't have any doubts whatsoever about it. And contrary to what you think about the reasons parents do it, it is very often done with the child's interest at heart.

"Babies are designed to cry - how else can they communicate?"

Does nobody see the irony of this comment in the context of a controlled crying debate?

Sorry for seeming like a judgey-pants :) having managed to chose an abusive man as the father for my children (long out of the picture now) and with a DS crippled by severe dyslexia I generally feel like a pretty crap parent :(

Beck - what is wrong with putting the need of the parent above that of the child? Surely you need to be a calm parent in order to be able to 'parent' in a calm manner?
If you're wound up, how on earth would you ever expect a small child/baby you're trying to comfort not to pick up on that?

From my very limited experience, I have noticed straight away that the more annoyed I am, the more frustrated my LO is. If I put him down, leave the room and have a drink (non-alcoholic I might add, although I have considered that bottle of Baileys in the fridge at times), and return to him calm and confident, he settles within a minute. And stays settled.

I can't believe this research (on only 25 babies, really?), unless the child is being left repeatedly and for a long time each time. Controlled crying pretty much gave us our lives back!

When my LO was born I absolutely loved cuddling him and rocking him to sleep - I could watch him for every minute of the day, I was totally in love. And that's how it continued for months - and I still loved it until about 5/6 months when the lack of sleep completely caught up with me. He'd wake 2-3 times every night and not be able to get himself back to sleep, yet would stop and drift off the moment I picked him up.

I soon got to the end of my tether and felt very tearful all the tired, lathargic, snapped at hubby etc etc, so our health visitor suggested CC. It was blooming heart-wrenching (and you feel so guilty) but you know what, within 3 days it had worked! It was amazing.

He is now nearly three and an amazing sleeper - both at night and in the day. He knows that his bed means sleep time - we still have loads of cuddles and he is as good as gold. I can't see any lasting damage! I'd do it again and recommend it to parents in the same position after several months.

Has anyone mentioned that the study described here contained 25 babies?

I'm not accepting any finding where the cohort number is that low. Show me one with over 100 subjects that draws the same conclusion and then another few studies with similar numbers to back it up and then maybe I'll give it due consideration.

I see that the hella biased study author has been picked up on though :)

Ah, it has been mentioned. Good!!

I think different people define CC differently. We only ever left DS to cry when: 1)he'd been fed
2)his nappy had been checked
3)he'd shown signs of tiredness
and
4)no amount of fussing/cuddling/carrying seemed to be making a damn bit of difference.

We would then put him down, check the time and go back after 15 minutes
if he still sounded upset. We rarely had to go back!

I will NEVER understand why people carry out controlled crying. A little baby comes into the world from the womb where he/she is provided with everything without asking. Your baby needs to trust you to provide them with everything, and soothe them when they are crying. This doesn't spoil them. I can understand letting a baby cry for a few mins whilst you're in the bathroom or finishing eating, but actually LETTING them cry so that they fall asleep by themselves? SO SO cruel.

"Teaching your child that the world revolves around them, and that their every whim and need (necessary or unnecessary) will be met instantly is doing your child a massive disservice

Because, they will have the shock of their lives when they met other adults and other children who, frankly, don't think they're anymore speshul than anyone else."

This is the most ridiculous argument for CC that I have ever read! Why stop at CC if that's the case? Maybe we should ignore them completely during the day and tell them how insignificant they are at every possible opportunity just do that as they grow up and go to nursery/school they don't have any silly notions of being important.

I haven't read the full research - just the summary, but as far as I can tell it has damn all to do with CC anyway. Can someone who's read the lot please confirm that they are talking about "learning to self-settle" via the rather different method of CIO - aka shutting the door and sodding off.

My pet hate on this topic is people on both sides who refer to "CC" when they mean going downstairs and putting your earplugs in - either as a way of justifying their borderline neglectful practice with a scientific term or in order to associate any non-attachment parenting with uncaring parenting.

I think in a child old enough to have a sense of time, and routine and to understand "mum goes away, mum comes back" (eg 6 months plus) then 5 minutes grumping interspersed with consistent affectionate reassurance is vanishingly unlikely to harm them ( particularly when applied by a parent who can distinguish between "I AM EXTREMELY CROSS BECAUSE I THINK IT IS PLAYTIME" and "OMG MUM HAS DESERTED ME FOR EVER! HELP HELP!")
That is Controlled Crying. The clue is the the word "controlled".

It's not a choice between cc and knackered, grumpy parents is it? I've never left DS to cry, but I'm not knackered and grumpy.

There's no research (no matter how specious) saying not leaving my child to cry has somehow damaged them. Of course you have to criticise my choices because how do you live with yourself otherwise? Nowhere did I say that it was erratic - those are your words. He woke up, cried, I picked him up, put him in the he'd with me, he went back to sleep. If you can really see trauma there that's greater than letting him cry it out bully for you

to anyone out there with a rubbish sleeper, who won't settle without you there, all I can say is.......

....it does get better!

I did it all...cc..dummies...lying beside them till they slept....letting them in with me.....basically anything for a sleep.....

it went on for ever, but one day it does end

so if you're reading this thinking NOTHING WORKS FOR ME...trust me it does get better with time

just thought I'd say (nothing worked for me but time)

"CC basically involves teaching a child that no-one comes when they cry so they stop bothering"

No, it teaches them that someone will always come back.

CIO is totally different.

Prematurely, I picked up on that too and mentioned it a couple of pages back. People didn't really seem to notice though :)

I noticed you bumbley! But I felt it needed saying again because it is a pet peeve of mine.

We've both made our own parenting choices leQueen and we'll have to live with the consequences. I'm sorry you felt the need to attack me personally.

problem is if you have more than one young child, I had 3 under 4 then you cannot always pick your baby up,

I got fed up with my mother telling me not to pick the babies up and let them cry. things change. I know my grandmother would put my mum in the cot and never night feed which seemed to be more of the done thing then. I think now I would pick up my children more if they cry but it is very difficult when you are trying to get stuff done.

When my ED was a baby my DH used to come home and ask me what I had been doing all day. It was so difficult to get anything done in the house.