Working mums: new study finds going out to work has no harmful effect on small children

[HelenMumsnet]

Hello. We've just had the heads-up on this study suggesting that there are no significant detrimental effects on a child's social or emotional development if her or his mother works during her or his early years.

In fact, young girls may even gain from being in a household where their mother works, say researchers at University College London, in a UK-wide project funded by the Economic and Social Research Council.

These findings run counter to those of some previous studies, which have suggested that children whose mother works in the first year of their life may be more prone to bad behaviour, or even to be more overweight.

What do you think? Do the new findings surprise you? Or confirm what you already knew? Do tell...

Ultimately, all of our children are incredibly lucky, so long as nobody here is going out of their way to screw them up psychologically. The worry about how this or that little thing might affect them in later life is over-exaggerated. In historical and global terms our children are lottery winners. Parents used to send their children down mines or up chimneys. In India and China, girl foetuses are aborted because they do not contribute enough economically. In Somalia mothers are facing unimaginable decisions about letting one child perish to save the others.
Our children will never face such horrors. It's a luxury to be able to have the SAHM vs WOHM debate but ultimately our kids have everything going for them whatever choice we make. All this guilt and fighting is unnecessary and it's making us all miserable.

Completely agree with CogitoErgoSometimes (post number 4). The amount of people who honestly have a choice about whether to work or not work at any given point is probably so vanishingly small as to be irrelevant.

"Shall I retire to the country and keep chickens or take up that high flying banking position".

Nope, I'll just keep trucking along as usual in a manner that keeps a roof over our heads and food on the table, whether that be working full-time/part-time or staying at home and making do because my job won't cover child care fees.

'I wish more women were honest about wanting to stay at home for themselves rather than pretending it was all about concern for their child's wellbeing.'

I disagree. I gave up f/t work as DD1 hated nursery. I did it for her as I enjoyed my job. It was actually hard at first for me, not an easy choice at all, the adjustment took a year or two to get used to. I feel it is better for my kids to have a parent at home most the time rather than go to childcare. We can manage on one wage and when we couldn't we both worked around each other. I feel much closer to my kids being home with them which benefits us all. I don't think mums SAH simply as it only benefits them but I think some people would feel better to believe that if they deep down worry about their own choices for their child.

' I remember very well my mum always being there for me before and after school and very fond memories of my childhood because of that. She was a good role model for me, and I hope that I will be a good role model for my kids. I want to be there for my kids just as she was there for me and my sisters.'

I agree with this too Blueberry. But initially I was a f/t WM. It was only after i had been a SAHM that i realised how important it was-when i was actually doing it- that I reflected on my memories from childhood. My mum did work when we were at secondary but i have loads of good memories of her always being there at school etc.

'There is far more that our children can learn from and admire in their mothers than simply our ability to draw a healthy salary.
A mother who decides to sacrifice her personal prestige and ambitions so as to provide the best possible care for her children is providing an excellent role model. Her children will see her working hard to care for the family, and may even learn that not everything of value is valuable in financial terms, or indeed valued by others in society.
Marriage and family life are inherently about care and interdependence, and not at all about 'paying your own way'.'

Brilliant post PianoClare

the "call" is me and dp.we decide what best for kids
not onlookers or the extended family.so regardless of what others may think we are not going to change our pivotal decisions
but we have always been v clear and discussed thats how our childcare plans would go

so if you do prevaricate because of opinions of others, it goes without saying you will feel torn. but pragmatically its is noone else business,so dont validate their choices

my own mum worked ft so, no particular comment to make n our choices

I think the concept that it is a new thing for women to 'work' is incredibly patronising. The big difference is that since the 1970's, (washing machines and fridges become normal, birth control), women have been able to do work that removes them geographically from the care of babies and toddlers, so normal women aren't working in the fields with babies on their back or spending all their time dealing with food and laundry in the home.

Women doing paid work away from the home has been relatively rare over the years, but women have always worked.

I agree with Conchita - a child that is loved and wanted, has a roof over their head, has access to education, doesn't go to bed hungry and has clean water is doing pretty well in historical and global terms.

'A mother who decides to sacrifice her personal prestige and ambitions'

But why is it (nearly) always women doing the sacrificing? Why is sacrificing your own life seen as a good thing? How many men do thus?

I just asked DH whether he felt the need to sacrifice his ambitions / sanity / friendship networks and everything else he gets from work for the good of his DC's. I got a very strange look. He has never once considered that him working has a negative effect on them...in fact the very opposite, he feels it is positive. A feeling I think society would echo.

By the way I earn twice what he earns and his salary doesnt even cover our childcare costs (whilst they are high).

So it brings us back to the question - why is this always about mums?

maybe its how you conceptualise and plan parenthood.i never saw being mum as a giving things up competition. so no i was never going to be a mummy martyr recalling i gave up
career
money
progression
for the precious moments

but different families,different people see it differently. i always knew id continue working ft. as i said had it all planned ,looked nurseries whilst ttc. we have never had any doubts or what if

conversely other mums know they wont use nursery and will be sahm,and plan accordingly

"A mother who decides to sacrifice her personal prestige and ambitions so as to provide the best possible care for her children is providing an excellent role model."

WTF?! How on earth is it being a good role model to your daughter to teach her that she should sacrifice herself for her family?

IMO, family is all about compromise. None of us make any more of a sacrifice than the other, and that includes the children. Sometimes they win, sometimes I win, sometimes DH wins. I will not teach my daughters that they are worth any less anyone else for being women.

Like Peppa said, do men make these sacrifices? No. And no-one expects them to.

If you want to give up your job because you want to stay home, please do so, and be happy. But why make yourself miserable for your family? Why are you at the bottom of the food chain? Have some self respect! That's the most valuable thing you can teach your children.

I am expecting first baby, and in a position where there is no possibility of me giving up work, and would be unlikely I could go back pt. Therefore our only real options are:

1. DC will go into childcare
2. DP will give up work and be a SAHD, full or part-time.

But both ideas seem to get negative reactions from interfering old biddies people. Seems the only way we can win is to fit people's idea of a 'traditional' family. I don't really think it's about the child's welfare at all but ideas of what our 'roles' ought to be.

children dont need mummy martyrs giving it all up.
what kind of ethos is that?that women are useful when childless,and can participate fully.but when become mum its all about sacrifice and precious moments.thats a dreadful role model.and not one id seek to emulate or promote

why doesnt anyone expect males to "sacrifice personal prestige and ambitions so as to provide the best possible care for their children"

'So it brings us back to the question - why is this always about mums?'

I have found in general, of my friends, it is the mum who wants to be with the baby, dreads going back to work etc. Whether it is biological or cultural or not is another debate.

'WTF?! How on earth is it being a good role model to your daughter to teach her that she should sacrifice herself for her family?'

What about teaching your daughter that paid work isn't everything in life and that unpaid work has equal value? (if you want to SAH and have the choice)

' i always knew id continue working ft. as i said had it all planned ,looked nurseries whilst ttc. we have never had any doubts or what if'

I was the same. I never considered SAH until I had been working f/t for a while and nursery wasn't working for DD. When my parents had her it was fine, when DH had her it was fine but she hated nursery and it made my life a misery and hers. So I quit. Some people assume they will go back but once the baby is there they can't leave him/her yet.

Referring back to the OP (sorry - I haven't read the whole thread): There is no point in paying any attention to any research into whether children suffer when their parents go to work, imo. The whole world could agree that it is a Bad Thing for a mother to go out to work, but if your family is happy with it then it works for you!

It's like if everyone else's favourite colour is green but yours is blue. Blue works for you.

The only people who really do need to take notice of research like this is the government, so that they can make it possible for families to decide what is best for them.

This is a timely thread for me as i return to work full time in three weeks and have been plagued by sadness and guilt at the thought. My DS will be nearly 10 months when i return and he's a happy, healthy and bright little button. I have been so worried that he'll change over night because i'm not around every day for him, but this research gives me some hope.

Deep down i think the crucial thing is that both working parents spend quality time with their child and ultimately if the parents are happy, fun and well balanced then so too will the child be. We intend spending every available moment doing fun family things and making the most of the time we do have with him. Ultimately, if we think it's not working out then we'll make some life adjustments so i can spend more time with him. But he's very sociable and has, so far, thrived in the childminding setting during his settling in period. Our childminder is fabulous and my DS clearly likes her a lot.

The main thing is that a child knows he or she is loved, whatever your situation - SAHM or working ft/ pt. So many children grow up with abuse and in the most awful situations. All mothers should give themselves a break - we're all doing the best job we possibly can for our LOs.

congratulations on pg conchita.you dont have to justify your personal childcare decisions to anyone else. but yes people spontaneously do want to comment. fine. you dont have to listen.also fine

practise your oh i am listening face.as you steadfastly ignore

I think it's silly to assume all jobs are about prestige and ambition. I work because I want to and because I want to be able to help pay the bills. DH could not possibly support me and DS on just his wage and I would never expect him to. If he was willing to then I might think about going part time but only a lottery win would make me give up work all together,.

I am not working to set any kind of example to my son, i am working because it's what I want to do. Yes, it's going to be hard going from being with him 24/7 to having him in childcare but I will cope with it and I will ajust. I found being at home with him all the time really difficult at first too.

"I have found in general, of my friends, it is the mum who wants to be with the baby"

I imagine it has everything to do with it being women who get a long maternity leave. Maybe with the recent changes where parents can share the leave we will see more men wanting to stay at home or fewer women staying off work for so long?

if your child is loved,grows up with laughter,spontaneity and stimulating environment then youre pretty much getting it right. these things can be achieved in daycare or at home

we take so much for granted.clean water, free health care, enough food. overall our kids have such a lot

'Maybe with the recent changes where parents can share the leave we will see more men wanting to stay at home or fewer women staying off work for so long?'

Yes it will be interesting to see if that happens. Two of my family members would have benefitted from the shared leave as they were SAHD's so it is a good idea that people can decide who takes it.

Dads doing more is a great idea, my husband and myself have done one SAH stint each for a year or two, works much better than one person making all the 'sacrifices'.

Well I don't work because I enjoy being at home with my children and I refuse to be a wage slave to the capitalist bullshit that our culture is built on.

It is a myth that a woman's equality lies in working outside the home. Capitalism was created by men to suit men.

These debates are never black and white. Some mums work to keep a roof over their head and food on the table. Some mums work because they don't enjoy being at home full time. But lets consider the notion that we are conditioned to believe fulfillment lies in target attainment and working.

However, for me, I won't define my life by the size of my house and the posessions I own. If I enjoyed working more, then I would. But I actually like being a SAHM. I like the baking, the games and the pottering. We afford what is necessary. I have done my share, I worked hard at school and got a first class honours degree. I worked as a nurse in intensive care, caring for the dying and the bereaved. Many hours, for not a great wage.

I keep interesting and stimulted. I read, I have written 25,000 words of a book. I may not contribute economically in terms of GDP, but hey I believe my worth lies not in my annual income

I know the original post wasn't about the issues I have commented on but it has cropped up in various posts.

is your partner a wage slave paying the mortgage,broadband,and food?
if so,then despite your protestations about capitalist wage slavery,it is the fundamental exchange of labour for remuneration that facilitates your ability to sahm. if one adult is working to support all of the sahm then you directly benefit from someone else (dp?) wage slavery as you call it?

Yes...and presuming you don't use any of these capitalist driven services such as the NHS, education, police force and so on?

'. But lets consider the notion that we are conditioned to believe fulfillment lies in target attainment and working.' Good point addressbook

'Dads doing more is a great idea, my husband and myself have done one SAH stint each for a year or two, works much better than one person making all the 'sacrifices'.' Allinabinbag Works much better in your opinion. It wouldn't work better everyone such as for us at this point in time.