AAAAARGH! My DH is soooo messy its driving me insane.

[PavlovtheCat]

I just need to rant and get this off my chest, so please so excuse me. I love my DH very much. But he is a slob.

He does try to be tidy, but for some reason he just cannot do it. He does it in fits and starts. Ie bedroom was a tip, he spent 2 hours on it, and therefore it was done. It was nowhere near done and he got upset that I pointed that out !

How can 1 adult and a 2yo make so much mess between last night and this morning! I had a lie-in as been working hard all week, and woke up to chaos. All week, in the evening, the place has been messy. DH would put washing on but not hang it up, or leave it hung up when I hung it out. So each evening I would has a whizz around to freshen everything, you know keep on top of it.

Yesterday, I tidied everything. Things were mostly in their respective places, toys tidy. When I went to bed there was a little stuff to wash up from tea last night, but in general good state of repair.

This morning!!!! I got up, to find my friends were here as DH was giving them a lift somewhere nd the place was chaos! I hate my friends seeing my house messy, especially when it should be tidy .

So I shall just list the things I am pissed off about the get it all out.

DDs breakfast plate is still on her table in the front room. the remote controls for tv etc (x3) all in different locations on the floor. The grate to the fire is on its side away from the fire. The poan chair is facing the wall and has a jumper thrown over it. The curtains are not open - or rather, one is half open. It looks like a student house (DH hates it when I say that). There is a can of WD40 on top of shelf.

The hallway has a towel on the floor in the middle of the carpet. DHs shoes are sort of thrown about the hallway.

The toothpaste is lying next to the pot without a lid on, there is toothpaste on the side, DH and DDs toothbrushes are not in the pot. The shower gel is not in basket, has lid undone, there are 2 empty toilet rolls on the floor. Toilet lid is open, bath mat is on the floor wet, there are clothes on the floor next to the wash bin.

Kitchen floor is dirty - tbh is was already in need of a clean, but i just noticed! Butter pot not put away after breakfast, nor sugar coffee or tea pots. empty milk carton on side not in recycling. Side has crumbs on, knife not put in dishwasher, chair has a towel over it, post has been opened and not dealt with, dirty water and some dirty plates in sink not in dishwasher (which is ready for stuff to go in) Bread not put away.

Lights on in the whole flat, tv on, DHs computer game on.

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Sounds much like most families homes to be honest. It annoys me too that my house can fall into a state of disrepair in 2 seconds flat, but I suppose that part and parcel of a family life.

Your dh sounds just like my dp. dd has just gone for a nap and have been tidying as per bloody usual. Imagine yur hose with:

not one but 3 of dp's jackets thrown over backs of chairs.
paperwork spread all over table (not in an order -this is his way of 'piling' things).
scrunched up bits of paper from his pocket on top of bookshelf.
recycling sitting by back door (rather than outside it in the bloody box, about half a metre away).
four pair of shoes 'scattered' around floor.
hats and gloves piled on top of papers on table.
half saucepan of baked beans sitting on stove from last night.

I could go on. They are so bloody annoying aren't they?

Pavlov, they are all like it. Is it years of being looked after by Mummy. I too suffer from messy husband syndrome and he looks at me when I go into a rant as if I am quite mad. I just dont think they see it but agree its hugely hard to live with. Mine never throws anything away either so I have a little carrier bag that I "gather" things in and when he hasnt missed it for a few days I sling. (i.e. post old videos magazines etc). My dd's are older now so I rope them into helping but that probably doesnt help you ATM

OK, so clearly that was too long a rant.

Let me summarise it.

I would like to come home to a tidy house once in a while. I would like to wake up to a tidy house once in a while. I would most definitely always like to wake up to a tidy house when I went to bed with a tidy house.

I would like to wake up to the sound of the washing machine, and not the sound of the computer wrrrring.

I would like my DH to get off his sorry ass in the mornings and do some housework so I can have a break from it. It should not take 2 hours EACH DAY to keep on top of it all. We live in a flat ffs.

(this is in excess of virtually everything you've listed pavlov )

Its normal tbh.
My Dh does it. I do it. Loads of people do it.
Now you're downstairs just ask him to whizz round and pick up the bits he's left out while you're having a shower or something.
As long as he's not making a mess and then expecting you to clean up behind him, its really not the end of the world if he doesn't do it immediately when you would.

and breathe!!!

I feel your pain......I am the neat-freak in this house.....the children and DH however would happily exist in chaos.

over 16yrs (fuck me where did that time go), and five children, I have had to (try to) learn how to cope and just not get wound up over it. (I have failed at that badly however).

I am also the same at trying to tidy at night too, when DH would happily bugger off to bed leaving all manor of crap lying about the lounge.

I am now finding things slightly easier by trying not to care so much (works well until I am ill or have PMT and then I go back to screaming banshee), and writing a list of what EXACTLY needs doing for everyone to see, and try to do for the household.

each of the children (and DH too in fact), have been told that if they can always ensure that certain things are done, then I am less irritated by the other jobs being left to me.

ie, coats always need to be hung.....shoes always on the shelves, bags always hung up, beds always made, washing up and clothing washing to be put into the right places.

sadly these jobs seem not to be achieved unless hints are loudly dropped, but they are sinking in, and I just et on with the rest.

oh, I have made a list of 'pink and blue' jobs tho, which mean DH is in charge of some and I utterly refuse to do them.........he has taken these jobs on admirably and things are happier on that score.

bins is the main blue job (toilets and washing is the pink job.....I cannot trust him to do those ones right!)

my dp is still in BED!!!!! hmph

dizzy - he did not have mummy around, he went to boording school and left home at 16. I think that is it. His standards are lower than mine. Really, no joke. He tidies and honestly thinks that is good. Then I finish it. And then he realises that is clean and tidy.

I am very pleased that it is not just me . Not that I want everyone to have slobs for partners! And I like the term 'messy husband syndrome'

I guess I just have to accept that I work all week and work at weekends too, I am starting to think it is true that as a mother, if you work outside the house, its your choice, don't expect any slack on the other motherly/wifey duties .

2pt4kids - he does not expect me to do it. He will not do it himself though. Not for probably about a week, then go...what on earth has happened to this place? Its a tip, why have you gone on strike?

He says, when I come home from work to a messy house after getting up in the morning and tidying it, and then start to clear up - 'it does not have to be done now, leave it until later' and gets angry, likely as he feels guilty. But I do not want to wait til later, I want to sit down in a tidy house after 10 hours at work.

|Potty - GO and tip water on his head! 10:41 is not acceptable unless he was working all night!

PottyCock are you me???? you have just described my house and dh to a t!!

I am untidy by nature myself so I sympathise with your dh. I don't really "get" how to be tidy, even though a tidy person might be thinking at this point "well durr what is there to get?".

My dp is tidy by nature so "his" areas ie the office and his side of the bed and clothes storage are tidy. All other areas of the house are untidy. Frankly I would prefer if he tidied the whole house as it is easier for him than for me and I could concentrate on other things. Just putting the other side of the coin here and fully expect you will find these comments infuriating!

psychomum - DH has 'blue' jobs although they are not given coloured names.

His 'jobs' are bins. WHich he did admirably for a while. Every sunday all bins in house would be emptied, washed, but not return to their rightful homes. He would sort recycling, clear cat litter tray and wash it. But, it has sort of gradually slipped, and when I mention the fact that the recycling is overflowing, he says, 'well, you can empty it too you know, its not my job exclusively'

He also does most of the cooking. Which I know is a big thing. But, he enjoys it. I do not enjoy washing floors.

5 more mins and I am going to wizz around and get this place fresh. We have people coming around for dinner tonight. I want it to look and smell nice.

does he however clean the loos, or do any of your jobs, or do you actually do anything exclusively???

cos if so, his bin arguement does not carry weight (DH tries it on like that occasionally........he however backs down when I mention toilets to him).

Podrick - no not at all. Its good for me to hear it from some-one who might feel like DH. BUt, one thing I would say is different here.

DH spends a lot of time on the computer. It is not like he is doing DIY (which needs doing but I just don't have time) or something else useful.

I have to currently, work, tidy, redecorate, sort out things when they break (like our lock, its still not fixed, luckily we have another lock there too) and I will be doing that todaym, pay bills, sort filing.

One area that DH is great with though, as he does not just sit around....is a great dad, plays with DD, does her tea, puts her to bed, gives her baths, reads her stories.

psychomum - he rarely cleans the toilets. I say rarely, as once, DD had a stomach bug so he cleaned it after she was ill, and once when he was ill.

He has washed the floor in the kitchen once. But only because I had a full on strop as I had cleaned the entire house, and he did it in a sulk, I think to prove a point! He does not decorate, that is MY job. He does not clean the bath, he does not take down laundry. He does not dust, or clean windows. He NEVER does filing or bill paying of any kind.

my dh is also a messy sod

my tips for sanity are

keep 1 room clean and tidy at all times - you can always retreat there - relax about the rest

forget about what other people think - your guests are here to see you, not inspect your housekeeping skills

suggest your oh some basic rules to live by
if you use something, put it away
if you spill something mop it up
if you finish something put the packet in the bin

and let your standards drop a little
[mine never were terribly high, got more bothered about it whilst a sahm - pointed out to dh if someone left a pile of banana peel, old socks and smeared toothpaste on his desk at work he wouldn't like it; and that whilst looking after the dcs our home was our place of work]

try not to go ballistic

Right

Thank you so much for listening to my moans, commiserating with me and making sure I realise I cant do shit to change it!

I feel better...slightly. I am going to make the house spotless, then DD and I are going to have a nice lunch together. DH is out this morning, took some friends somewhere (they don;t have a car, he did a favour). No idea when he will be back.

at the decorating.........DH does do that for me.

mind you, I am dangerous to myself and others when let loose with power tools.......and have scars to prove it. wasa only pure luck that the very last time I did anything with a power tool, it got stuck, and did not blow me and the street up.

DH has since taken to hiding the very powerful stuff from me......

as for your DH.......the amount you do, he needs to take the bins back on (at least) without complaint!

mazzy - yes, I need to relax more about it. Its not so much that I worry what people think. I just feel annoyed that I had tidied, and then by the time people come and visit, it looks messy again. If it is because I have not had time to tidy I do not mind. But i was annoyed as I spent ages yesterday cleaning and this morning it looked like nothing had been done.

I will keep two rooms tidy I think. Kitchen and front room. Our room is mostly a mess anyway, DDs room is relatively easy to tidy as not big. And as long as toilet is clean, the bathroom can be messy.

Thanks

I can sympathise Mazzy, I still remember when we'd recently moved into our new house, some years ago now. A friend gave me a lift back from work, my dh was working from home that day.

Anyway, she asked if she could come in for minutes as she hadn't yet seen our new place, so I offered her a cuppa + showed her round, (confident in the fact that I'd just had a tidying up weekend, + everything was in order when I left the house that morning. Downstairs was still fine, but went upstairs + our bed hadn't been made, (my dh got up after I'd left), + his pyjamas with last night's underwear were all tangled up on top of the unmade covers, bathroom was just as he'd left it, wet towels on floor, toothpaste with no lid on, very embarrassing!

I think that some people subconsciously make mess deliberately, it makes them feel relaxed and powerful that they can leave mess and that they don't have to clear it up. My dad went to boarding school and he gets a fantastic amount done (work and career wise)but is extraodinarily messy. And doesn't see it. Maybe your dh feels that this is his special space he can do what he likes with. So somehow you have to make him feel that power lies in tidying not in messing up.

Pavlov maybe if you are not making much progress getting dh to be tidier one answer would be to get your dh to do more other stuff around the house? This strategy would work on me and I am a mess monster. I also do much better with one-off jobs than with routine ones.

swan - interesting, as he does seem to make an extraordinary amount of mess doing the simplest things, and he went to boarding school too, and he really does not see the mess. He can step over a pile of clothes on the floor, or walk around toys that are dangerously placed!

Podrick - I think I need to do that. He is better at one off jobs, and he does do stuff, I guess just not what I want, when I want it. Yesterday I was particular crabby, and today I have been much more relaxed about things and not nagged him at all about clearing up. And then he cleaned the kitchen. It was not perfect. But I did not tell him that it was not finished as I do really know, when I am thinking clearly, that he has tried and does think it is clean. I said 'looks lovely in here babe' and I will finish it off in a bit as he has just gone out!

I just needed to off-load a bit yesterday, and also just be reminded that he is how he is. I am today thinking of the things he does not the things he doesn't - like cook. thats a bit thing.