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Housekeeping

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Original poster

what should i do ? what would you do ???

28 replies

sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 18:21

hi all

This is the 1st time i have posted on here so not sure if i am in the right section or not.

I have been friends with this person for about 6/7 yrs now. The problem i have is that i try & not go to her house when atall possible. The first time i went to her house i was appauled by the mess its not just untidy but filthy aswell. Over the years it has just got so i dont go near atall unless i realy have to even though we are still friends. Each to their own but i am concerned about her 2 kids. I have offered to help her clean things up (dont know if i could stomach it) but she has refused me & other friends offers.

Like i said its not just mess, we can all be untidy but this is pure filth. You cannot see her carpets under dirty washing,burst bin bags and even used nappies . The minute she opens the front door the stench hits you. I dont know how health visitors said nothing about it to her when she had her kids. I was in for all of 2mins a couple of weeks ago but had to make an excuse & leave sharp because it was just worse than you can imagine. Please help because i realy dont know what to do !!!!

I feel terrible for leaving it this long but didnt want to get involved but its got to the stage that i am realy worried about the kids health

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 06/01/2009 18:29

Oh dear. Sounds awful. My flat is untidy but is clean.
If you are seriously that concerned about the children, why don't you give the local hv a call and have a chat with them? They might make contact just to make sure everything is ok and your friend is ok or if she needs a hand coping. How old are dc's?

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 18:34

I have thought of that but wouldnt know where to start. DD is 5yrs n ds is 3. Ds is always unwell and never away from the docs. The local hv has been there in the past but not said anything about it. A mutual friend has chatted to hv about it awhile ago but was told "what was mess in her eyes might not be in some1 elses" My house is messy at times 2 with the kids ect but its clean.

It has been 3yrs since hv was there so maybe i should have a word.....dont want to sound interfeering though

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 06/01/2009 18:46

Don't think there's much else you can do though. If you've spoken to her about it and offered to help, what else is there? Apart from giving Kim and Aggie a call
Seriously, don't know, hopefully someone will come along witrh some better advice in a bit.

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 18:50

now theres a thought Kim & Aggie would have a fit

OP posts:
breaghsmum · 06/01/2009 20:20

i have a friend like this, her house always smelled bad and there were never any clean surfaces or dishes. piles of washing everywhere, however recently her daughter was diagnosed with autism and she now has visits from homestart and surestart twice a week, i have noticed a huge difference in her house. she has bought new storage for toys, kitchen always tidy enough to make a meal and no more washing lying around. im not sure if any of these people said to her about the mess or she just felt embarrassed by it when they started coming but something has worked. i guess what im saying is, even if the health visitor is made aware of your concerns, it might spark a lightbulb moment for your friend if suddenly professionals are popping in. i hope this helps.

Fizzylemonade · 06/01/2009 20:44

I think sometimes when it is really bad people just don't know where to start. It's that standing in a room where you keep turning in a circle trying to decide where to start.

I think I would contact the HV, messy is one thing, dirty is another.

I really feel for the children. Does the eldest not have anyone back for tea from school?

aidansyummymummy · 06/01/2009 20:50

The fact that her child is ill all the time would certainly mean that it may be a good idea to speak to the HV and if she is not interested maybe Social services...if the house is dirty...used nappies etc then thats a health risk

Do you think she could be suffering from Post natal depression and cant be motivated to do housework?

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 21:04

Its not pnd as other friends have commented on the state of the house & that was before she had the kids. I know things are hard for her at times as shes a single mum but she doesnt work and hasnt worked since she had the kids. This might sound harsh but she does nothing allday. She would much prefer to sit in friends houses alday than go back to hers & make a start.

Thanks for your replies on this subject, i think what i have to do now is talk to hv or social services.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 21:08

Fizzylemonade: She has had 1 girl for sleepovers but the mother is a friend so knows what the house is like. I must admit i would never let my child stay or eat there

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anothermansmother · 06/01/2009 21:31

have you discussed it with her? maybe due tot he fact that she has lived in it for so long that she just doesnt notice it. I had a friend at school whos house was worse that what you have discribed, you were so embaressed for her when you went around, yet her room was always spotless it was only when she got to about 12ish that we went around the one day and there wasa skip outside there house because she ahd nagged her parents so much. i think she only noticed because of other peoples houses.

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 22:45

Yeah i have discussed it with her but it didnt seem to make any differance atall. Like i have said a few friends have offered to help her straighten it up but she knocked us back on all occasions. One day she even said to me that "no-one ever visits her anymore" and without being cheeky i tried saying to her that it was because of the state of the house and we were all her friends & wanted to help her but again we were told she was ok & could cope with it on her own.

All our mutual friends houses are clean, ok sometimes messy because we all have kids but there is just no excuse for the state of the place. Shes quite grubby herself aswell & the kids are always filthy. Im scared to go to social services about it because she genuienly loves her kids & the last thing i want is for the kids to be taken off her but i realy dont know what else to do. The house is a health hazzard as well as a fire hazzard.

OP posts:
Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 22:47

at the end of the day if she wants to live like that well fair enough but something has to be done for the sake of the kids health. They are the ones im worried about & have sleepless nights over

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breaghsmum · 06/01/2009 23:42

the children would only be taken from her as a last resort, she would be offered support and assigned someone to go through her problems and help her set a plan in place to tackle things, only after all attempts had been made to improve the state of the house to no avail. if she persisted in making no improvements then they would begin proceedings to have the children taken to a more suitable setting. if you really think she isnt going to sort it out herself, then for the sake of her children, i think you should advise the health visitor of your concerns. as you said, she loves her kids, maybe she really just doesnt know where to start and is embarrassed to let friends see just how bad things are. someone who isnt a friend might receive a better response. i really hope your friend sorts this out, it isnt fair on her children to live like that.

FAQtothefuture · 06/01/2009 23:47

"here were never any clean surfaces or dishes. piles of washing everywhere,"

come to my house at any time on most days during the day time and that's what you'll find.... (including used nappies wrapped up in nappy sacks >>>

However I do make an effort most evenings to tidy it up........shame it doesn't last

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 06/01/2009 23:58

im not just being houseproud, this is wall to wall filth. U cant see carpets, worksurfaces. There is a path cleared from the kitchen door to the back door.....do i realy need to go on.

OK FAQtothefuture u r saying that these things happen and i see where you are coming from but atleast you are making the effort at night when kids are in bed. She does not !!!! and the next day is adding to the mess & grime that was there before.

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breaghsmum · 07/01/2009 00:05

FAQ i mean no offence, i know how easy it is to let things build up. but this friends house was pure filth. same with the path cleared from kitchen to doorway.

chloejessmeg · 07/01/2009 00:40

Speak to the HV. They certainly won't take her kids away from her. But a visit specially about the state of her house might give her the kick up the arse to get her into giving it a good clean.

If I am honest, my house was in the state you discribe when my DD was first born. I gave birth days after Christmas, so had all the Christmas mess still there when I went into labour, had people staying at mine, all adding to the mess and not clearing any, I was then in hospital and when I cam home, it was such a mess I was overwelmed by it all. MIL offered to help clean it but I was more offended more than anything else, although that is more to do with problems I have had with her in the past. It took us a couple of months to get back on track and it took me to get registered as a CM to force myself to keep it clean. We still have off days though. Anyway, what I am saying is she isn't THAT bad and once she has a bit of inspiration to get it sorted, I am sure she will improve. Do see the HV though if you think it is effecting the health of her Children.

Although, if her youngest is 3 years old, I can't imagin she goes through that many dirty nappies? I mean, when DD was tiny and needing constant nappy changes, we didn't always take them out, and yes, they were sometime left around on the floor till she started crawling. BUT she is now 1 and doesn't go through many nappies a day and so it isn't much effort to take them out each time iyswim?

nickschick · 07/01/2009 00:52

I think i would be blunt and tell her your worries and say im your friend this is what we are going to do -youd do it for me and say lets start on the front room together just be confident and reassuring but non negotiable - ive kinda been in this situation but nowhere near as bad as you describe.

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 07/01/2009 07:10

chloejessmeg. This is not just a case of finding it hard to keep on top of things, we all have times like that. This has been ongoing as long as i have known her (6/7yrs) but getting rapidly worse. When i was in the last time there was atleast 6 nappies lying around......and some werent even in nappie bags.

A big thank you to everyone who has replied to this thread. I will phone hv this morning & make an appointment. Will keep you all posted.

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 07/01/2009 09:15

SS wouldn't take her dc's away easily, it is an absolute last resort.
There is a huge difference between messy, dirty and filthy.
You said you wanted to tell her without being cheeky that no one visited her because of state of her house, maybe now is the time to just be quite blunt about it.
This might sound really silly, but if it's a case of her not knowing where to start or how to upkeep cleanliness and tidiness, what about drawing up a cleaning rota for her with set jobs set days, maybe allocate an hour in morning and an hour in afternoon? Or is that really stupid?
I do about an hour/ hour and half a day cleaning.

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 07/01/2009 12:12

I have now been intouch with local hv & have an appointment for next tues. i feel terrible about doing this behind her back but i feel it needed to be done for the sake of the kids. Just hope she sees it the same way.....which i very much doubt

OP posts:
littleboyblue · 07/01/2009 12:28

She doesn't have to know it was you. If you're worried about the kids, then you don't have to justify your actions IMO. Wonder why the gp hasn't questioned anything though if dc is ill that often.....

Original poster
sleepyfriends · 07/01/2009 13:25

You have a point there littleboyblue, i dont understand why this has gone unnoticed. I know i am doing the right thing & this might make her get her arse in gear n atleast try & sort this out......fingers crossed.

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alors · 07/01/2009 13:35

I used to be a hv. I went to some totally filthy houses where the kids were as happy as larry, and some divine showhomes where the kids were as sad as hell.

I visited families where there was not a single place in the whole house to sit down - every available surface/chair/piece of carpet was covered in carparts. The kids were brilliant and the mum was great.

Children from filthy houses often have an amazing immunity to germs and can drink from manky milk bottles found festering under the sofa without blinking an eye. Ugh.

The only time I intervened was when there were underlying issues (such as depression) or when the kids were actually suffering as a result of home conditions - I well remember a 8 year old who nobody wanted to sit next to in class because he smelt......

Even with outside help, it is the parent's choice (rightly or wrongly) how they live. You can get external help in, blitz the place and hey ho, a month later you are back to square one.

One of the filthiest houses I was ever in was the home of an aristo and lawyer couple. Heaving. An as happy as Larry with high achieving kids and pheasants rotting merrily in the cellar.

alors · 07/01/2009 13:40

Can I add that the system is - or was - also quite unfair: if there are already concerns raised about the family for other reasons, a huge song and dance is made about living conditions and some even have hvs/sws checking the house on a regular basis to make sure that all is hunky dory. If you are Jo Bloggs and all is otherwise ok, most agencies accept how you your domestic arrangements, however slatternly and the problems would only arise if issues arose due to the state of the house - mental illness probs were picked up, or a child accident or whatever.