I'm trying to get the enormous stain out of the middle of the sittingroom carpet. I appear to have angered it.

[BroccoliSpears]

Dd threw up all over the pale sitting room carpet.

I flooded it.
I soaped it.
I sponged it.
I rinsed it.
I threw bicarbonate of soda all over it. Mistake. It made a paste. I waited for it to dry and hoovered it. It won't hoover up.

Ignoring the bicarb paste highlighting for a moment, the stain itself is about a foot square, dark brown and in the center of the room. I've tried Vanish Carpet Stain Remover Power Foam - no effect.

I think if I could get the stain up, the bicarb halo might wash off with a carpet cleaner.

What to do?

The stain was big, dark and bad enough anyway without a bleachy looking foot wide surround stain.

It's glaring at me.

The more you stare, the bigger I get. But you can't tear your eyes away. You are in my power, helpless with your 1001 stain remover, your cloth of weakness, your Yellow Pages open at the impotent page of carpet cleaners. Weep, oh human, for the time is near...

The urge to mutter 'Precious' is almost all-consuming.

I TOLD dh that we should have polished up the floorboards .

So... am I actually going to get any useful stain busting tips here...

Is the stain still moist?

How very dare you! The insolence! Still "moist", indeed.

Probably, but more because of the oxy foam I've been blasting it with. The Vomiting Incident happened on Thursday.

Pour a pile of table salt over the whole stain. It is very good at absorbing stains if they are still moist.

arf at 'i appear to have angered it'.

mistress, how can i serve you?

and oh yes, a rug. i think at this stage smothering it is the only option.

Ha ha ha haaaaaa! You FOOOLS!! The Salt Tip is the best trick of the Stain - you spill your wine, create a beeeyoootiful Stain, and pour salt, in the vain hope that your sprinkly libation will appease the beast.

Aha - but too late! - you remember your vain tye-dyeing experiements, where you fixed a dye with - what else? - salt! Gasp - you hoover frantically, but to no avail. Your Stain has reached Stain Nirvana - it is a Feature - permanent, immutable, fixed by your own puny defences.

I see your rug, and I eat my way through it. I fester, terrifying you with the thought of a MIL or somesuch moving the rug...

And you, mistress Aitch - you claim to serve, but then aim to smother! Heretic. I smite you with ribena vomit, left behind a sofa. And trodden in.

lol at the Stain etc

Broccoli - have you seen [[www.howtocleanstuff.net/ this website??]

arse

pmsl- who is the stain????

Not me

pmsl at TheStain and the title :D
Back to serious stain discussion, a carpet cleaner, hired from b and q for 25 quid for 24 hours removed 2 litres of paint that stained my carpet superbly. I secretly want one. Don't bother with all the chemicals they try and get you to buy, just 1001 it or something then vax it til it gives in!

forgive me, i know not what i did.

Stain karma, pamplemousse. For every Stain you banish, TWO return. You know not the time nor the place, but they will come. Admiring a friend's new cream sofa? Stain karma knocks the red wine out of your hands. All dressed up for a wedding? Stain karma empties nailpolish all over your silk dress.

You will beg and plead. You will buy 2 litres - no, three litres! - of paint and pour them over your carpet, but the Stain is not to be so easily appeased.

See my wrath, and shiver as you contemplate the gaudy yellow of HSS tool hire...

Hope you're not holding anything spillable, quivery! Mwaaaahhhhhh ha ha ha ha