Tidy person living with messy family- is there any hope!?

[Barbsthesheep]

Hi,

I live in a lovely home with my DH of 15 years and our two young teens. I’ve always been naturally tidy — even as a child I kept my room organised and enjoyed having everything in its place. I married a man who simply doesn’t see mess, and now have two teens who seem to have inherited the same trait.

Sometimes I fantasise about living alone in a tiny, tidy apartment where everything stays where I put it. I’m starting to feel resentful because the day‑to‑day tidying falls to me unless I nag, which we all find exhausting. I feel like it’s too late to “train” my husband without causing resentment, but I’m also struggling with the resentment I’m building now.

How do I tackle this with the kids? One is hopeless, and the other actually likes things tidy but has given up because the general household standard has slipped — and honestly, I’m slipping too. The house isn’t awful; a friend dropping by would just see “normal messy” (stuff on the kitchen island, shoes by the door, bags everywhere). But it weighs on me.

How do other naturally tidy people cope when they live with people who aren’t? If I leave things as they are, will the resentment grow to the point where I want to leave? And what happens when the kids move out — does it get easier?

I’d really appreciate some hope or practical advice. Thank you.

I grew up in a messy house,it made me super tidy. Ex h had OCD, I couldn't match his standard. He had his own cleaning company. I was nursing,we employed people all were useless. In the end it was me,him, the kids. Married second DH. I had 4 dks worked ft, nights for my last 30 years before retiring. Years ago I had walked into our bedroom,DH had clothes everywhere..I matched piece for piece. He came in stood in the door looked puzzled,walked out. I read an article by a psychologist once, she said you can't change people's behaviour,you can only change how you feel about it. (Have just had 14 year old dogs staying the week,a load of his clothes are still in the bedroom, I told him to pack yesterday morning!) Little things annoy me,top off the toothpaste, rubbish not in a bin..I retired 10 years ago,him 2, he does a lot of the cooking,high up cleaning,ie conservatory roof,gutters.. our bungalow is open plan, kitchen at the end of the living room. I can't sit down and relax until kitchen is tidy,stuff in dishwasher. I have always had a good routine. I would use the bathroom,shower last, I tidy up clean before leaving the room,bed made. You see people on here saying they can't keep on top of the mess,untidyness.. I've always had animals, got 2 long hair border collies. 2 of my dks sons are tidy, eldest DD not, youngest DD 4 dks, including baby, she goes through spates of being tidy and not.
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I've got used to it. Every few days we have a tidy up, but by a tidy persons standards my house is always messy.
DH likes vacuuming at least.

When the kids leave home it's tidy! I never ever suffered from this empty nest rubbish,so people think we aren't close
We are very,dks tell me EVERYTHING!

I didn't have a 14 year old dog staying, the phone altered that,it was 14 year old grandson. Other grandmother, said she "copes", by ignoring their meds until the day they leave.

Look 50% of the house is willing.

Do a proper reset and You actually need to commit to it.
You also need to accept hoarders / messy people need their space too.

My husband has a bedroom as an office all his shite goes in there. When he leaves stuff lying about i literally put it in there and close the door and then my eyeline is clear and I feel calm.
I'd give my dh an outlet and the kids van do wtf they like with their rooms as long as its clean / cleanable.

Communal spaces stay nice.

The utility has baskets - crap goes in there and must be claimed.

If the kitchen is left a state you bring the culprit to the space and make them clean it amd when they moan and tell you its annoying explain you absolutely empathise as you feel exactly the same. At least this way you are both sharing those feelings...!
If thry dotn want this to happen they must clean.

If/ when its mostly clean and a free crumbs (ie they had a go) just wipe the counter and let it go.

Thank you @Nannyfannybanny I think you are right, I can’t change DH or the kids… I don’t care about their rooms, just close the door. The shared spaces bug me, and obv I share all with DH! 😂🫣 Might have to have a little family meeting about the kitchen and the entry hall being slightly better kept, then leave the rest… and for me to work on my acceptance of life… 😩
I feel like we are good as a team for the everyday stuff. We both cook, me more but still, and both tidy up after. Straight in the dishwasher and pop it on etc… but all the “little pile” of stuff(random letters, magazines, a birthday cards a speaker that was used for the party last weekend, a hat) you know the random piles that accumulate over a month or two. No one has EVER put away those things apart from me… EVER! Sorry, just needed to rant.

Btw, have asked admin to move the post to housekeeping, accidentally ended up in the wrong category… 😂

I honestly couldn’t bear it. Deal breaker for me.

You have a place for everything and everything in its place.
15 minutes factory reset - 4 people all putting things away in a short time frame - that equates to 1 hours work being done.
Have the mantra don’t put it down put it away.
Teach the boys to handle it once.
Tell them how much the untidy house impacts your mental health.
Finally. - Do not put up with it!
There is a guy on Facebook - do better John send them regular posts from him. I will check that name for you.

dobetterjonathan - that’s the guy!

It’s an arse, my Mothers parents had both been in the military and her Dad did inspections. So I grew up like this. I am above average but not on my Mothers level. DH family are frankly messy clutter hoarding bastards, I hate going to their homes. So he is not as good as me but we grew up in environments that are at opposite ends of the scale. His Mother even brings huge amounts of stuff when she stays, she has an issue.

We are decluttering our loft at the moment and the amount of crap is beyond belief. I am also guilty of having chucked stuff up there as we have lived here for decades, but whist I am gaily throwing stuff away I can see how it’s causing pain to DH.

Everything has to be justified. I am aiming for one large storage crate of miscellaneous stuff each and one joint crate. So far that’s 3 crates to charity shop and 8 crates thrown. The amount of stuff like paper maps from a holiday of an area not visited 30 years ago is astounding. That’s DH doing.

Surprises found include a close to 30 year old piece of our wedding cake, postcards from my long dead stepfather when he worked overseas, antique parasols. All thrown, parasols sadly damaged, cake inedible, man I do not care to remember. A lovely surprise was a letter from a now dead friend when we were very young.

It’s a Swedish death clean basically. I see just how many hours my friends have had to spend sorting out dead parents houses. MIL house will be a bloody nightmare to sort.

How do I cope with DH? it’s his only major failing. Now we are older I think well maybe I will miss shouting at him about his little piles of shite if he dies first. Having looked at friends husbands behaviours I got the least worst deal. I have joked to DS that if I die first he will be visiting his Father in a dishevelled cluttered hovel.

Thank you everyone! Feels nice to know I’m not alone if anything!

And I definitely still tidy a lot, but by myself mostly… 🫣 Used to do a Monday morning reset once the had all buggered off to school and work, but now DH works from home it doesn’t happen as naturally…

Even these conversations are giving me more motivation to get back on the horse and get them on board. At least the kids, as I don’t want to be my husbands mum… Will just chuck his stuff in a dedicated basket and he can deal with it whenever… might actually get 4 baskets, one for each of us, and pop them in the kitchen and the. I can just chuck the stuff I find in there. Then have a time of the week when we all just sort out the crap that ends up in there… could that be a good idea, or is that a cop out and won’t actually get them to see the mess and prevent/do something about it…?

@Nannyfannybanny did not think it was a 14 year old dog! 😂🫣

Thanks @Thingcanonlygetbetter , will def check this guy out!

Well done on all the work @PensionMention sounds like you are making amazing progress! And I hear you about that that’s your husbands only “bad trait”… I feel exactly the same… which is why I’m of course still with him 15 years later.

Thank you all for the perspective, really appreciate it! Now off to check out this Jonathan dude!

If I catch DH about to put something down rather than away, I will point it out. I also find the best way to get him tidying is to do it alongside him. Possibly a ND thing. He's not diagnosed but I strongly suspect ADHD.

Oh OP, I feel for you. I grew up in a messy house (2 parents, 4 children) and I was the only one who was cleaning and tidying up. I HATED it, I have nightmares about it 30 years later. I actually woke up crying a little while ago because I dreamed that I was back in my family home and none of my sibilings wanted to do the dishes. I kept fantasising about growing up and leaving home. Unfortunately my life partner is also a bit messy. I don’t have any advice, just consolation that your kids will grow up and leave home eventually

It’s tough OP, I cannot sleep if the house is a mess and it definitely affects my mood. DH has ADHD and it is his super power but the messiness is also the bane of my existence 😂 I have resigned myself to the fact that I will be the one that cleans up every day because he simply doesn’t see it. I am ruthless with decluttering as that helps to keep on top of things. DS 8 wants to keep everything so I try to keep it all organised. I’m not saying it’s the right way but it’s the only way I can keep my sanity. I completely relate to the fantasy of running away and living in a small cottage all alone. Just a dog for company so I can keep it all clean and tidy 😂

There’s a new series of “Sort Your Life Out” coming out next week so perhaps watch that as a family? Get some tips and inspiration!

I knew I would find my people here! 😂 I just love being organised! 😂🫣

I suspect adhd on DH and one of the kids too, the messy one of course! So know that it’s a bit of a lost cause. Thanks for all the responses! We will just have to keep on and do what we can!

I've just vacuumed,damp dusted, pulled up the blinds, cleaned some mold off the window frames.. vacuuming the living room end, youngest border collie backed away from the vacuum cleaner,knocked over a 5 ltr water bowl (dogs) we have laminate flooring! I threw a load of towels down. I was going to wash the floor anyway. DH has just cleaned the entire bathroom, it's completely white tiled. Dishwasher is on, then I'm going to have to put the washing machine on because the wet towels will smell!

I hear you, same for me. I question whether my need for calmness, tidiness and order is part of coping with past trauma. I didn’t used to be this way, but I had an incredibly abusive marriage and now I only feel calm and content if my house is tidy and clean. My partner just doesn’t see the mess or even care and he is driving me crazy! My dream is living in a female commune with like minded women and have hot men come over once in a while (but not too often as they’ll just mess our clean house up 😂)

The day will come when you can keep it today, but it will be because your children have left home. Relish the mess because it means fsmily

Then the dgs come over and it all starts again!

You do not have a husband who 'doesn't see mess'.

You have a man who is used to women picking up his shit after him. First his mamma and now you.

You say you don't want to be his mother, but I have news for you - as long as you keep on picking up after him, you are his mother, and that's the way he sees you.

Pick up his stuff one last time. Put it all in bin bags. Do you have a shed or a garage? Put the bin bags there.
Or just leave the bin bags out on the route to wherever your bins are, and inform him they're going out with the next pickup if he doesn't either get rid of it or put it all back where it belongs.

You are letting your husband show your DCs a horrible example of bad behaviour in a marriage. I guarantee the teens would get their act together very quickly if this man started behaving like a grown adult.

Do not put up with the bad behaviour of your husband any more. Demand you be treated like a wife.

The OP will still have the workload her husband sees fit to impose on her.

And some poor housemates or partners out there are going to curse her for allowing her children to follow her husband's bad example.

Your partner sees the mess. He just blithely assumes someone else will pick it up after him. That sense of entitlement to someone else's labour and time, and continuing to create mess or do nothing to promote the wellbeing of his partner by changing his bad habits is abusive.

Your desire to live in a clean, tidy environment is a normal human trait. You are not the one with the flaw here.

family tidy daily, chained onto something that already happens eg straight after dinner.

Ours is not happening at the moment as we are having to pick our battles but when it worked it was good for teaching them to see the clutter and know what to do with it.

TBF decision making by committee can be tricky - I don't like to chuck out anything that someone else might want and I wouldn't expect teens to be sorting through piles of papers to chuck things as they don't own most of it. Maybe a "doom drawer" or basket per person so they can be in charge of managing their own clutter.