Tidy person living with messy family- is there any hope!?

[Barbsthesheep]

Hi,

I live in a lovely home with my DH of 15 years and our two young teens. I’ve always been naturally tidy — even as a child I kept my room organised and enjoyed having everything in its place. I married a man who simply doesn’t see mess, and now have two teens who seem to have inherited the same trait.

Sometimes I fantasise about living alone in a tiny, tidy apartment where everything stays where I put it. I’m starting to feel resentful because the day‑to‑day tidying falls to me unless I nag, which we all find exhausting. I feel like it’s too late to “train” my husband without causing resentment, but I’m also struggling with the resentment I’m building now.

How do I tackle this with the kids? One is hopeless, and the other actually likes things tidy but has given up because the general household standard has slipped — and honestly, I’m slipping too. The house isn’t awful; a friend dropping by would just see “normal messy” (stuff on the kitchen island, shoes by the door, bags everywhere). But it weighs on me.

How do other naturally tidy people cope when they live with people who aren’t? If I leave things as they are, will the resentment grow to the point where I want to leave? And what happens when the kids move out — does it get easier?

I’d really appreciate some hope or practical advice. Thank you.

Oh OP, I see you. I grew up in a very tidy house - apparently my DGM (darling grandmother who I never knew) was ‘messy’ according to my mum so my mum and her siblings were all immensely tidy. We never had clutter. We had no tidying or clearing out to do when she died!

However, DH is from a family of messy hoarders. Like @PensionMention !!! I hate going to their homes and when DMIL visits, she lands with tones of stuff which she dumps on my kitchen table.

My DSis’s are all married to tidy men - they all live in tidy homes because they don’t have to tidy all the time.

Like you I dream of a beautiful small all white apartment that I can live in alone (or with my dog).

Clean with Me podcast really helps me. Knowing we are not alone also helps - maybe we should do a support chat thread.

I've posted about this before I 🤔. Had a divorced friend who started dating and met the loveliest guy. Good looking, very well presented, kind, great job, no big issues or so she thought. He lived 20 miles from where she did and where they both worked. So they always ended up at her home. Finally after 7 months (I think) of dating she went round to his place. It was a totally hoarded nightmare! Needless to say the relationship ended pretty fast after that.

@mathanxiety You are right on a lot of points… I know that I have created this situation, and as an innately tidy person who strangely enjoys tidying, I started off doing this for my DH… I still enjoy tidying to an extent, but not when it’s never ending and feels taken advantage of. But my DH got used to me picking up after him sadly… I have stopped doing this with most things, clothes, his stuff, I just dump in his office or his side of the room. Etc. The issue is, I still have to see it until he does something about it, which might be weeks, months.

I also know that I’m setting my kids up for this, but I take it that you are an innately tidy person @mathanxiety ? If not, then I’m all ears on how you find your motivation to tidy and did so in your teens? If you are tidy by default then your judgement isn’t really helping as you have never been in their shoes. I really want to help them do better even if I started of wrong.

@Boughy I love the family tidy idea, and did it a lot with the kids when little. Even that barely worked with my son. He just ran around in circles not knowing what to do(adhd anyone). He could at times join in when I gave him specifics(pick up all green cars)… and after years of consistently doing this it never got any better. He still can’t do it… well, maybe slightly better. But not really. And it is such hard work to spend 100h teaching someone to do something so basic. The repetition just gets us both into an argument. But with out the repetition he doesn’t do it… catch22

I will try the individualised “doom boxes” in the kitchen, and just chuck everything in there, then have 10 min after dinner where everyone sorts out their own. And if yours is empty, then fab right!? Perhaps a reward of a piece of chocolate for an empty box! 😅

Am happy to report back if/how it works if anyone is interested.

And also wanted to add that DH is far from a hoarder and our house is as mentioned before not that bad at all. There just is not a lot of structure or thought that goes into where DH puts and keeps his stuff…Like nothing has a “home” the way all the things we own has a “home” in my mind. But I can’t choose this for his individual stuff that I never use… that would be so strange. And he would never find them…

It's already too late to train your kids. Definitely can't train a husband.
It doesn't sound terrible tbh but maybe you should pick your perfect areas and concentrate on that. You can't just browbeat everyone to be like you.
If the bedroom is your sanctuary make sure your efforts are concentrated there.

Just wanted to say, no one trained me… we didn’t have a messy house growing up, but not a crazy clean/tidy either… I feel like I was born with my level of wanting to be organised, and my sister not so much…

Perhaps what @Doone22 is saying is correct, it is too late. Or it was never really achievable in the first place???

I’ve ordered 4 nice looking wicker baskets that I will name, that will go in the kitchen(one for me too) and I will chuck crap in there as boxes of doom. Perhaps it works better than now, perhaps not…

Me!!
Although its vastly improved since DC left home

During lockdown I went through every room one by one and threw away recycled or sold around 6000 items .
Bear in mid we are talking odd screws,used batteries,post it notes,old cards etc as well as clothes,books etc

We had accumulated so many duplicate mugs and all the chipped , old ones got smashed for garden crocks

This made a huge difference as we dont move piles around all the time and everything had a place to live

Another thing
Everyone did their own laundry and we agreed one daily job each
Me cooking
DH bins
Ds1 dishwasher
DS2 vacuuming

This was done immediately after dinner and once that was done that was it.
Pocket money and lifts were not forthcoming unless it was done

I agree OP that nobody trained me either, I just figured out myself that I can’t sleep properly when my environment is out of sorts. I also think people are misunderstanding the ADHD aspect. It’s tough OP but the baskets are a good start.

I’ve tried it all over the years. Nagging. Crying. Reasoning. Writing lists and chore charts. I now shove paperwork in his drawer and I pile the stuff he leaves around in a box next to his bed. It annoys him because ‘I left it there to remind me’. He will leave a packet of dog food on the bench to remind him to add dog food to the shopping order, for example, with seemingly no idea he could just add it to the order without the reminder to do it later!

He argues my standards are exceptionally high. I HATE the idea of a friend popping over and there just being mess.

I put the kids stuff in their rooms. And I help the youngest once a week to sort through it. The other one is pretty tidy herself.

You have my sympathy! I also fantasise about my own, very tidy, space 😂

Luckily I have been able to train my husband. I went down the route of, we have paid a lot of money to refurb and build our beautiful old house, why would we not keep it tidy. He knows how hard I have worked to keep it nice, I cannot stand untidiness, he also knows how much we have spent on nice things so I went down the route saying how disrespectful it is when someone tries realty hard and the other does not. He soon got the hang of it . He is now very proud of our house, because of the time and effort we have both put into it.