I feel bad about getting a cleaner

[Mesbee]

Just that really…

I am a SAHM of 3 children between the ages of 7, 5 and 4 months. My husband works 5/6 days a week so the housework and childcare falls solely on me. We don’t have any relatives nearby and my friends are lovely, but have multiple children themselves so I would never ask for their help unless it was an emergency situation.

Before we had our 3rd baby, I didn’t find it too difficult juggling everything as well as working 2 days per week. But since DC3 was born, I feel like i am constantly chasing my tail with chores. I am exclusively breastfeeding, so that takes up a lot of my time. Plus she still wakes at least twice in the night. I have done every single night feed since she was born. It used to seem like a fair arrangement with my husband working, whilst i take care of the cooking/cleaning/childcare. But lately, it’s become quite unmanageable. I’m finding myself cleaning and tidying all day, every day while my eldest two are at school as they are quite untidy. I rarely have time to do anything else apart from one baby class for an hour a week. My washing has doubled since the baby arrived, and i’m cooking two different meals every evening, as well as tidying up afterwards. Every time I start a task I feel like I have to stop half way through as the baby needs a feed or changing.

I feel guilty that I don’t really spend as much quality time with her as i would like to. The same with my eldest DCS as I am always busy cooking/chores in the evenings. Our house is a larger than average 4 bedroom home. I honestly don’t sit down from 5am- 10pm pretty much 7 days a week and i still feel like the house is never as tidy as I would like it to be, which makes me feel like I haven’t accomplished anything with my days. My husband gets home at around 4.30- 5pm and has a shower, relaxes while i cook dinner (usually juggling the baby/elder children’s homework and bath time). He then settles the older two in bed while I spend the evening bfing and putting the baby to bed. Weekends are even harder as I do everything then as well. I feel like I need to be split into 3 people to get everything done. The days just fly by. I love being a Mom and an so happy, but equally I feel
constantly exhausted. I worked full time pre kids, but I feel like I’m doing 3 full time jobs at the same time atm.

Is it unreasonable to have a cleaner come in every week or 2? We can afford it, but i just feel like i’ve failed as a housewife. I feel like 3 children isn’t that many, and loads of people juggle their housework, children as well as working outside the home (which i’m fortunate enough not to have to do). Am i doing something wrong? Appreciate your thoughts xx

In the time it took for you to write this long thread you could have cleaned your toilet 🤭

OP, loads of us have cleaners. I have one and I have two teens let alone a new born!!

Enjoy it and don’t spend your time not cleaning ing navel gazing about feeling bad about having a cleaner

If you can afford it, get yourself a cleaner. I’d encourage you to look for someone willing to do a wide range of housekeeper activities and offload as much as you can. Don’t confuse being busy with chores as effectively being with your D.C. you won’t get the time back, outsource anything to free you up for important things.

all the best.

Presumably your husband is encouraging of this!

You feel bad about getting a cleaner… because you have ‘failed as a housewife’?

I think you’ll probably find a lot of housewives use a cleaner…!

Op, I'd have loved a clea and when mine were small. Don't feel bad!

You’re providing employment for someone. Don’t feel bad.

I love cleaning but would definitely get a cleaner if I could justify it!

I remember reading a thread where people talked about why they had cleaners and the difference it made and as someone who works, has kids and heart problems and who has never had a cleaner I definitely think anyone who doesn’t get to have time to themselves needs a cleaner and looking at Fb and all the people advertising I’d say you’re helping someone out too

Go for it OP! We had a cleaner start when I was on maternity leave with our second DC as I was overwhelmed and my DH works insane hours and doesn’t have time to help at home.

She is amazing and 6 years later is still with us with kids at school now and me working PT.

Why is your husband doing so little? He gets home at 4.30pm, he has LOADs of time to do housework and give you a break. And all weekend too!

I’d prioritize sorting out his entitled lazy behavior first but yes, get a cleaner

Don't ever feel guilty for making your life that little bit easier.

My husband has left the ball in my court about the cleaner, although he sometimes makes digs if I’ve forgotten to or haven’t had time to do something. He appreciates that I have my hands full with the kids, but he doesn’t think the housework is that hard to keep on top of because I'm ‘at home’ all day. The baby rarely naps, or if she does she wakes as soon as I put her down. I know this phase won’t last forever, but I am finding it hard to live up to his (and my own) expectations at the moment.

I think i just needed to hear that I’m not being unreasonable.

I would get a cleaner AND get your husband to pull his weight more. Why are you cooking tea and helping with homework etc. Why can’t he do one of those? Why isn’t he pulling his weight at the weekend?

Her husband works 5/6 days a week i would expect he wants to spend the small amount of free time he has with his family not come home and start scrubbing floors.

I think your husband needs some quality time with the older ones one weekend while you and baby go out. All day. He’ll be at home anyway so he’ll be able to clean the house and you’ll come home to a sparkling home and dinner cooked waiting for you. Won’t you?!

I would actually strongly recommend that you do this as you may find he adjusts his expectations accordingly as a result. If baby takes a bottle, make it all three of them and a morning out for you….

What does he usually do at weekends?

Oh, and get the cleaner. Mine are 5 and 10 and I aspire to a cleaner! With a Velcro baby, it’s a no brainer. If she only sleeps on you, try to enjoy it - it’s such a short period.

I've had a cleaner since I started working full time and wouldn't be without one. We've now got 4 small children and I want to spend time with them rather than cleaning. I'd definitely prioritise paying a cleaner over a day out or some other use of the money as it benefits us all and it means once a week the house is tidy. I've also used our cleaner for putting away clothes, hanging dirty washing, changing bedding and other house jobs when life is particularly busy. Go for it and see how it goes, you're not signing up for decades

He can spend quality time with the older ones by doing homework and bath time with them. He should be pulling his weight with the children at least.

I’m happy to have ‘failed as a housewife’. 😂 I believe in making life as easy as you can.

Your husband needs to change his attitude. He wouldn’t last 5 minutes with me. Dickhead.

What’s with all the hand wringing about having a cleaner it’s really not that big of a deal .i have two children one at primary school and a baby and i have a cleaner for four hours a week. I don’t work.

Cleaner here. Get a cleaner, you’re providing work for someone.

Ugh have just read your update about your husband making digs. You’re exclusively breastfeeding a four month old and have two older children he should walk a mile in your shoes.

My husband does work very hard, and always has done. The bills have always been paid and he provides us all with a nice standard of life. We don’t want for anything. I don’t think it’s fair or realistic for him to have to spend his weekends cleaning the house when he does already do his bit. But equally, i’ve realised it’s also not fair for me to be getting up in the night and cooking/cleaning and doing all the childcare 24/7 either. I think the cleaner would defo take the pressure off both of us, so I will give it a go.

I think the problem with our current dynamics is that my contribution isn’t measured by money, so it’s based purely on my husband’s perception of what he thinks I should have got done in a day. I adore being with the kids and am so grateful for the time I have with them, but I think there is definitely more to life than cleaning x

Why is your contribution based purely on your husband’s perception? That sounds like he’s your boss and you’re not a partnership. With this dynamic I’d be looking at getting a full time job once your maternity leave time is over and you can share the financial contribution and he can share the other stuff.

I knew it would be your husband playing a part in your guilt op

You don’t need a cleaner, you need a husband who, rather than making digs about cleaning not done, picks up a cloth.

Get a cleaner if it will help you, but there are bigger problems your cleaner won’t solve. Also, get your kids involved in picking up after themselves. At 5 and 7 they should be involved.