I feel bad about getting a cleaner

[Mesbee]

Just that really…

I am a SAHM of 3 children between the ages of 7, 5 and 4 months. My husband works 5/6 days a week so the housework and childcare falls solely on me. We don’t have any relatives nearby and my friends are lovely, but have multiple children themselves so I would never ask for their help unless it was an emergency situation.

Before we had our 3rd baby, I didn’t find it too difficult juggling everything as well as working 2 days per week. But since DC3 was born, I feel like i am constantly chasing my tail with chores. I am exclusively breastfeeding, so that takes up a lot of my time. Plus she still wakes at least twice in the night. I have done every single night feed since she was born. It used to seem like a fair arrangement with my husband working, whilst i take care of the cooking/cleaning/childcare. But lately, it’s become quite unmanageable. I’m finding myself cleaning and tidying all day, every day while my eldest two are at school as they are quite untidy. I rarely have time to do anything else apart from one baby class for an hour a week. My washing has doubled since the baby arrived, and i’m cooking two different meals every evening, as well as tidying up afterwards. Every time I start a task I feel like I have to stop half way through as the baby needs a feed or changing.

I feel guilty that I don’t really spend as much quality time with her as i would like to. The same with my eldest DCS as I am always busy cooking/chores in the evenings. Our house is a larger than average 4 bedroom home. I honestly don’t sit down from 5am- 10pm pretty much 7 days a week and i still feel like the house is never as tidy as I would like it to be, which makes me feel like I haven’t accomplished anything with my days. My husband gets home at around 4.30- 5pm and has a shower, relaxes while i cook dinner (usually juggling the baby/elder children’s homework and bath time). He then settles the older two in bed while I spend the evening bfing and putting the baby to bed. Weekends are even harder as I do everything then as well. I feel like I need to be split into 3 people to get everything done. The days just fly by. I love being a Mom and an so happy, but equally I feel
constantly exhausted. I worked full time pre kids, but I feel like I’m doing 3 full time jobs at the same time atm.

Is it unreasonable to have a cleaner come in every week or 2? We can afford it, but i just feel like i’ve failed as a housewife. I feel like 3 children isn’t that many, and loads of people juggle their housework, children as well as working outside the home (which i’m fortunate enough not to have to do). Am i doing something wrong? Appreciate your thoughts xx

Agree with this. I think it's one thing being a SAHM when your partner appreciates, values and respects what you do around the house that benefits everyone in the family. But when the breadwinner starts to act as though you're in some way answerable to them, then it's a risky position to be in. It stops being an equal partnership and that's not great for your relationship or your future wellbeing.

Your husband is a right lazy bastard 🤣. Finishes at 4 and works 5 days a week but makes snide comments and is happy for his wife to be on the go from 5am until 10pm PLUS night feeds?

Christ. What a mug he’s taking you for

You are not unreasonable to get a cleaner - think of it as paying to free you up to spend quality time with your kids (but also - you hopefully sometimes get some time for yourself as well). Your husband is unreasonable to not understand that 24/7 care of 3 children, cooking and cleaning a house is much more than a 40-50 hour a week job - so get a cleaner but also make sure he helps with the kids and you get some time for yourself occasionally.

I have 3 cleaners and I've only got one child school age and only work part time.
Sometimes I'm in when they're here.

Does that make you feel any better?

Go away for the weekend and leave that prick (sorry, I mean your DH) with all the kids. I wonder how easy he will find it to stay ‘on top of things’ when he’s doing all the housework and childcare.

Definitely get a cleaner. If I could afford it, I’d get one.

I’m 62, retired and live alone. I have a cleaner. She makes my life happier. I choose to spend my money where I want to. I really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

I agree there needs to be a change. I just don’t think he realises how time consuming having a young baby actually is, let alone when you have other children. I haven’t had a break from the night feeds in over 4 months so I think the tiredness is getting on top of me. Hence the pity party lol.

Cleaner booked! It feels like a weight off my mind.
I will also have a chat with my husband about feeling unappreciated x

@youalright why does what he wants matter more than OP who is basically working 18 hour days?

OP you are missing a huge bit of SAHP understanding here.

A SAHP does the childcare/housechores (but mainly childcare) whilst the other parent works for money. Once their work hours are finished then so are yours and everything gets split 50/50. This means he gets off his backside and cooks, does bath time, throws laundry in the machine and you both work in partnership together. Out of curiosity how much sleep time do you both get, and how much free time (to do whatever - watch TV, bath, read a book in peace, go out solo)??

I think this is part of the problem. Because i don’t have ‘set’ working hours and I work within our home, the lines are completely blurred. I don’t have any balance. I wake up and get everyone ready and off out to school. Then because my husband is at work during the day, I think i should be busy then too. I do as much housework as i possibly can in between looking after the baby (which lets face it, is never ending as it is) then it’s school pick up. Cooking, homework, bath times, then feeding baby until I go to bed myself. Only to be awake during the night, then get up and repeat the process. He deserves a break after working hard all day, but he clearly doesn’t think the same about me.

We don’t have parents who help, so child free time is very few and far between for both of us. However, if my husband wants to do anything, it’s a given that I look after the children. If i want to do anything, he often says he is too busy with work or too tired after work to do the same for me. It feels like my time isn’t really prioritised in our relationship. It seems that if i’m not spending it making money then it isn’t important.

Do you feel guilty that you go to a hairdresser when you could cut your own hair? feel guilty for going out to a cafe when could make your own coffee?. If you can afford it and it will make your life easier then do it. Plus it keeps all us cleaners in business and pays our bills.

I see you've booked the cleaner, good for you!

Now start small in terms of equality. How many hours of interrupted sleep does he get versus yours, and do you have one lie in each at the weekend? Once you have the sleep sharing sorted move onto equal share of free time.

I have a cleaner twice a week and I'm home all day with 1 foster son at University and the other is almost 17 and at college all day. I drive him to and from college. I cook from scratch every day unless we are eating out. If you can afford it why not? Surely better you give more attention to your DC and baby.

You're working a very physical job 24/7 with limited sleep and no breaks.

Your husband is working 40-60h/week with breaks and good sleep.

He needs to take things off your plate, this is completely unfair. You need to have time to yourself.

For example, each week I try to get a long bath (1h, no interruptions), a yoga class and 1h alone in a coffee shop. That's less 4h over the course of a week, including travel, but it makes the world of difference to me.

I really recommend you find a few things for yourself where you can really switch off and recharge.

Get the cleaner
And do tell us dh takes care of kids on weekends / some evenings so you can go out on your own?

Don’t feel bad. I’m a stay-at-home mom, and I hire a cleaner and outsource as many tasks as we can afford. I’m all about making life as simple as possible.

I suggest teaching children to help with house chores and encouraging them to handle tasks on their own, if that’s something you’d like to do.

I also suggest having a conversation with your husband, as it seems there is a lack of communication and some misunderstandings happening, along with him showing a little bit of disrespect towards you. It's better to sit down and talk things through. I believe families often break up because they don't communicate and work together to find the best solutions for everyone.

You are definitely not unreasonable.
Get a cleaner!
You have 3 children and run a whole house, that’s exhausting.

Dh gets in at 5pm and relaxes while you cook dinner and look after kids /tea bath etc

why isn’t dh helping you cook /play with kids /bath them every day /night ?

mo need to justify a cleaner - you can afford it and helping someone earn some money

equally the 5&7 can start being tidier and help out things away

my husband works this amount but refuses for us to have a cleaner even when we can afford it easily. but then he doesnt do the the thigns that. are needed to be done

What do you mean he refuses you're an adult if you want a cleaner get a cleaner.

Goodness me, of course you should have a cleaner. Your husband is being an idiot too.

Totally agree but the problem with this is, he won't do a scrap of cleaning. He'll use every last plate, every last item of clothing and get takeaways. He won't have to organise school uniforms, he'll plonk the kids infront of the tv all day and she'll come back to carnage and him saying it's a piece of cake.
You have a major husband problem here. Stop the handwringing and get a cleaner but you've got much bigger problems unfortunately.