Massive decluttering - house clearance I need some serious support

[Decluttering101]

A teeny bit of background. Abusive childhood. ND. Abusive marriage. 2 children both with ND. Both children were hoarders and I was. We lived in a huge 7 bedroom house that was rammed. The healing process started 5 years ago when we moved across the country in lockdown and started over. We rented a large house. The house was packed by packers and put into storage for a year and then all of that was moved into our garage, loft etc and hasn’t been looked at for 5 years into our rental house.

I started therapy and realised I had huge trauma issues and then was diagnosed with ADHD.

Met my now DH who is the most supportive man ever and we have brought our forever home and we moved in about 4 weeks ago but still have my rental property. We are in the process now of clearing the garage, loft etc and in the last 2 days we have done 1/2 van load to the new house but 2 huge van loads to the skip. I’d love to be able to tell him to skip it all but we can’t - some boxes do have baby photos and stuff in. But the paid packers in lock down it’s random packing and not well done plus have been in storage etc

The garage is 70% done, the loft isn’t. One child has completely cleared out their room and we have the summer house to go. One child (18) is struggling but getting there. I was hoping we would done by Tuesday but I don’t think we can be.

I’m clearing 40 years plus of trauma and hoarding. Only therapy and my DH have got me into this position but I’m flagging now. DH is amazing and hugs provided when needed and I’m now at a point in my life with my healing where I will never ever ever go back to hoarding. I must have got rid of 3000 books already and the children toys and clothes etc everything kept from the last 40 years!

Your best motivational words of wisdom!! Please

I’m taking a short break at the new house whilst DH and his friends take another van load. But I don’t think we will be done by Tuesday and it’s worrying me. We both work full time but have taken holiday time. We can keep the rental for a bit longer if needed. But when back at work it’s hard jobs and tired in evenings. The two houses are a 5 minute drive away thank goodness!

Anyone cleared their entire life pretty much away and managed to do it without breaking themselves or can reassure me that it will happen - one day it will be clear. Anxiety is through the roof!

Garage is now done 2 more van trips to the tip. About time to call it a day! Tip is closed. It has been hard - any words of wisdom from any one who has successfully decluttered or cleared entire house! That’s pretty much where we are at only 1/2 a van has gone to the new house. 4 1/2 van loads have been skipped

You sound amazing, what a journey.

I've never owned a 7 bed house so I can't tell you a similarly inspiring story, but in my own little way I'm feeling good this week that we have cleared out some loft boxes that had been there for years. I'm a terrible procrastinator so any such progress is a win for me. We've also finally put up some proper shelves in the garage and had a good sort out so there is a path to being able to find stuff in there one day! The garage has felt intimidating for literally years, but just now the sight of so much floor is weirdly exhilarating.

You've certainly earned a longer rest if you need it, and you might be more productive tomorrow if you give yourself a proper break. You should be super proud of yourself whether you finish by Tues or not.

Wow, that's a huge amount of work op and it sounds like you've been on a massive life changing (for the better) journey. You can do this!

Thanks we have now done 6 loads to the tip. Garage is clear - totally clear I can’t believe it. One of the children’s rooms is done and other one is 50% done. DH is up in the loft - and eldest is one who has mainly has stuff left in the loft. It’s huge and life changing. We now have loft, kitchen, summer house, 1/2 a lounge, 1/2 bedroom left to do

None of it this afternoon has gone to the new house except the desk from eldest child’s room. We do have so much left to do and all day tomorrow but it is getting there

Fantastic well done, it must be such an enormous challenge.

But... can't some of it go to charity shops rather than the tip?

Yes, therapy 5 years ago and MN advice was the key really. I couldn’t see my parents were abusive but they are and were. Extremely. It’s enabled to get rid of my oldest best friend - who had made me ill for years, various people that used me and open the door for a proper relationship (I wasn’t looking for one but he dropped into my life) and that’s my personal. Right off home now and time for a long bath

thank you all I was losing the will to live this afternoon

Not really sadly it is very mouldy and old - was in a leaking garage and house and the rental just literally mould growing round the windows - awful.

And we recycled all the textiles, metals, books etc at our local tip - everything has been separated

Ah, that's good then.

It sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Now on the charity shops toys etc (stuff that isn’t mouldy) husband has just taken a van load to a charity shop. One more van load to the trip. I’m struggling now - the loft is empty but I’m really struggling. Most bookcases are empty and books boxed for charity shops. A guy is dismantling the trampoline and 4 bookcases have been taken by people. It’s so hard - it’s my entire life and protection that I built up after being attacked I surrounded myself with books and stuff. I don’t need it now but god it is hard. Even the stuff we are taking to the new house is too much - but I’m not going back. I’m not, I have two cars full of clothes and nice books to take and it’s still too much. I’m totally overwhelmed right now just totally overwhelmed. Eldest was struggling this morning. Van now booked for another day but I’ve already had enough and want to stop 🛑

I wish it was all over

It sounds really really hard but will be so worth it when you are done. This is the tough bit. And it feels so overwhelming because it’s bringing up all the old feelings. The old hurts.

But once it’s all done you will feel so much lighter. It won’t be hanging over you. Dragging you down. Dragging you back to that place where you were hurt and stuck. Your life will be so different.

I just want to add to the people saying you sound amazing. You really, really do. I went through a very similar experience (though I am not amazing) and I have real empathy for the physical process as well as the emotions. It’s really hard and you’re doing it! I hope you are left with belongings you love having around you. It feels so good, I promise.

I don't have any of the trauma you have experienced op but I still feel desolate when clearing stuff out, especially things that I have been given or inherited. The feeling does pass but be very very kind to yourself and give yourself some nice things to look forward to in your lovely new house. You are very inspiring!

You're doing so well.

I don't know you but with my own ND kids I would be encouraging them to focus on soothing their nervous system now. Make a really cosy safe space in the new place and hunker down, like a nest. Get some curtains up and go hygge - low lights, blankets, make sure it's warm. Or go for a walk in some woods if that is your thing. You need to feel safe so you have a solid jumping off point.

Maybe in your new cosy safe space you could get a couple of beautiful pictures up on the walls sometime. Something that speaks to your soul, that you'd have space for now that the bookshelves are freed up. No rush though.

The eldest is happy seeing all their soft toys going to the children’s hospital especially as they are doing medicine in September at uni. A guy has just picked up the Welsh dresser and been really appreciative as he is converting his garage into a home office and starting a new business and also take the trampoline for his kids as they didn’t have one. So I know huge positive. The stuff in the summer house (not water tight) is rotten and mouldy so we need to load and go back to tip before it shuts at 4. It’s so hard and glad husband is back. All I need is my husband, my gorgeous uncluttered new house and my georgeous gorgeous kids and doggies. Anything else is just stuff.

So much is stuff from my parents (who physically attacked me and abused me all my life) I kept everything they ever gave me as I wanted their love. But it isn’t and wasn’t love it was just stuff they didn’t want to get rid of so passed it on to me. Books I kept as my parents had told me I was thick I kept them to prove I could read - thousands and thousands of them. It’s getting there. Loft is at least empty and now done maybe 6 van loads

Well done. I am trying to help an elderly hoarder neighbour clear out stuff....its hard, she tends to just move items around, few get removed ...she is having therapy now, has hung onto items from parents and past relationships, so the items have a significance. Ironically, she has a mountain of books about hoarding and de-cluttering which only adds to the mountain.

You are amazing! It’s hard work. I have hoarded stuff, mainly books and clothes, from my unhappy marriage, and I’m slowly decluttering. I’ve done many tip runs. Sometimes it seems like it’s neverending. But I will get there one day, as will you. If you need more time on the rental then take it. Whatever causes you the least amount of stress.
You’ve got this!

Bloody hell you're doing well! In fact you've inspired me to go out to the shed - there's a few boxes that need sorting. Thanks for the virtual kick up the backside! X

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale @MysteriousUsername and @bumblebee1000 @canthavethatonethen @Shaniva @canthavethatonethen @JenniferAnistonForReals @Lovelyview @Peridot1 @WonderingWanda apologies I have tagged you all. Thank you. It’s been so so hard. I’m literally unwinding and then back at it tomorrow. Got some more people collecting stuff in 30 minutes or so. My husband is awesome - he gets it. He gets why. My worry is that I’m taking too much to the new house. But he said ‘look love we’ve done 1 full load to the new house - I did 3 from my house and we’ve done 10 plus loads to the charity shops/ tip/ recycling so you are winning. I’ve got more stuff in my new house then you have’. If I get overwhelmed he hugs me. He lumps boxes around like they are matchsticks. If I’m not sure he says ok 👍 come back to it tomorrow

It was just awful seeing box files of court case documents from the assaults from my ex and police reports - pages and pages of them and photos - he got away with it too there was about 20 box files. He went on for 8 years so it is all documented. He wasn’t charged although I did get a restraining order for life from him. The judge said in court, I know what happened and what you went through and from this day forward you don’t need to worry you have a restraining order for life against him to protect you. But he didn’t get a conviction for the mental or emotional abuse or the assaults, the threshold was too high and I didn’t met it despite everything he did. Not enough evidence of physical assault despite bruise after bruise after bruise. There are box files of it. We burnt it all. That child is 18 now it’s 10 years ago but I still bare the scars and pain. I’m healing and it is healing. I know I need to let go.

My husband just says look you have two awesome kids and they are awesome look and what you have done and how far you have come.

I’ve said to my husband nothing goes in the loft or shed or garage. Nothing.

Such a lovely image. We have the ‘essentials’ in our new house. Wardrobes etc clothes etc this is all the crap that has trailed me like a dragon breathing smoke down my neck for 40 years.

Omg I know about this. Therapy was the way for me. It helped that that stuff went to a good cause. Eg children’s hospital, dog shelter or just free to local people. We sorted everything at the tip to recycling. For me it frightens me that I’m now NC with siblings and parents but they are all extreme hoarders. My parents have 3 houses that are full to the brim with crap refusing to get rid of everything. I used to worry about it swallowing me or me having to go and clear it out.

I don’t want that for my kids. That’s the big thing. I don’t want it. We brought a new house that we had built from scratch and designed and it’s massive but beautiful and empty - we have pictures we have brought together. This is our new life. For me books and clothes were and are easier.

I FINALLY took a good look at the Christmas box, and figured out which see through boxes I need to buy next time I'm at Ikea, and saved them in the Ikea app. I know exactly where they will fit.

I've read your heartbreaking update, and second the idea of a cozy hole at your new place. You must be absolutely exhausted. Please take good care of yourself.