Massive decluttering - house clearance I need some serious support

[Decluttering101]

A teeny bit of background. Abusive childhood. ND. Abusive marriage. 2 children both with ND. Both children were hoarders and I was. We lived in a huge 7 bedroom house that was rammed. The healing process started 5 years ago when we moved across the country in lockdown and started over. We rented a large house. The house was packed by packers and put into storage for a year and then all of that was moved into our garage, loft etc and hasn’t been looked at for 5 years into our rental house.

I started therapy and realised I had huge trauma issues and then was diagnosed with ADHD.

Met my now DH who is the most supportive man ever and we have brought our forever home and we moved in about 4 weeks ago but still have my rental property. We are in the process now of clearing the garage, loft etc and in the last 2 days we have done 1/2 van load to the new house but 2 huge van loads to the skip. I’d love to be able to tell him to skip it all but we can’t - some boxes do have baby photos and stuff in. But the paid packers in lock down it’s random packing and not well done plus have been in storage etc

The garage is 70% done, the loft isn’t. One child has completely cleared out their room and we have the summer house to go. One child (18) is struggling but getting there. I was hoping we would done by Tuesday but I don’t think we can be.

I’m clearing 40 years plus of trauma and hoarding. Only therapy and my DH have got me into this position but I’m flagging now. DH is amazing and hugs provided when needed and I’m now at a point in my life with my healing where I will never ever ever go back to hoarding. I must have got rid of 3000 books already and the children toys and clothes etc everything kept from the last 40 years!

Your best motivational words of wisdom!! Please

I’m taking a short break at the new house whilst DH and his friends take another van load. But I don’t think we will be done by Tuesday and it’s worrying me. We both work full time but have taken holiday time. We can keep the rental for a bit longer if needed. But when back at work it’s hard jobs and tired in evenings. The two houses are a 5 minute drive away thank goodness!

Anyone cleared their entire life pretty much away and managed to do it without breaking themselves or can reassure me that it will happen - one day it will be clear. Anxiety is through the roof!

I love the Cozy at our new home. We are have had a building made just next to the garden which has water and electrics and heating and it’s our ‘nest’ for tv, chilling and general teenager or adult unwind zone. The large tv has just been brought over and sofa so teenager can chill in there tonight!

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale we are having one Christmas box we have brought 3 here but in July we are going to take a day and just decide what we want for our decorations and just have stuff the me, the children and my husband want to keep. So I know what you mean.

This is such an inspiring thread - well done OP! What a positive way to embrace your future with your kids and DH and say goodbye to the hardships you’ve withstood to get to where you are now ❤️

You are doing brilliantly! It is tiring, emotionally and physically to sort out. I have little help and so get easily bored. You DH and DC sound fabulous. My DC is fabulous but they are also dealing with an abusive parent (t'other one) so our clear outs take longer. But gosh yes the court paperwork. Over 10 years on and I still get angry as to the waste of time and money.

I think that is important. more space often means more junk. my neighbour has a cellar full, a car full and 2 storage units costing over £200 a month....full of items from a previous home and relationship. its a waste of money and over time, the items just degrade so end up in the skip. I only have a tiny loft and its empty, i dont have lots of shelves and only a small shed, late dm was a hoarder and i found it depressing.

I’m so sorry I found it amazing to burn it all but it’s take me 10 years to get there. Last court hearing was all electronic. So have them as pdf. Eldest made a bonfire and helped to burn it all. They are amazing and have done so well today. My feeling is I don’t want them anymore I have to let go and let it go. I have my children.

I'm even more in awe of what you've managed to do, now I've read your comments about your abusive parents. Onwards and upwards @Decluttering101 . You absolutely deserve this new start x

@socialdilemmawhattodo and yes the waste of money and time and stress. It cost me over £100 K in legal fees as he took me to court 8 times until he got a restraining order. He kept taking me to court - once over a DVD - 100K that’s what it has cost me £100,000. I went from a 7 bedroom into rented. Then brought my forever home with DH. DH has put in far more money than me and shares everything. My ex emptied the joint bank account and took every penny. He even took my Tesco club card vouchers!! And he emptied the kitchen cupboards and chucked all the frozen stuff in the bin and covered it in car oil so we couldn’t eat it. He left me and the children with nothing. Absolutely nothing. He couldn’t have us so we got nothing from him. It took 18 months for child maintenance to be paid and he is still in arrears

This is my motivation. When DH and I are no more I want them to inherit a lovely well maintained house with nothing in a loft, one shed with a lawn mower and a couple of tools. One garage with a car in and very little else etc and one box of Christmas decs. Etc I don’t want them to have a house clearance.

Funny you should mention dragons. I was already picturing a phoenix from the flames.

Your Cozy sounds glorious. Don't neglect to soothe yourself as well as your young people. You're rocking it.

@Decluttering101 I'm so pleased you are in a better place now (literally and figuratively), and your DH sounds like a diamond.

I’m up and had a huge panic attack and it’s awful. DH was up with me too but I’m trying to turn off. Just huge amounts of trauma really. It’s taken me right back ten years plus. I’ve now had some meds (beta blockers) and beginning to breathe again. But it’s not been a good night.

Hang in there. You’re doing incredibly well. And it’s wonderful that you have the support of your lovely DH. You’ve inspired me to take a look at my cupboards tomorrow morning. X

Hello. I'm awake too as my 20 month old was having incredibly loud conversations with the toys in her cot and we ended up going downstairs and watching In the night garden to reset her!

I've just read through the thread and you sound amazing. I'm so happy that you and your kids get to have the life you deserve now. What you have been through sounds so awful, no wonder you are feeling so crap at the moment.

You are safe. You are in your lovely new home with your new husband who clearly adores you. You are doing so so well.

Can you put on an old episode of something that will distract and calm you? Gavin and Stacey helps me! I also use some hypnosis tools for anxiety. One is to inhale and imagine positive, calm colours ( I always see a lovely turquoise with gold sparkles!) and to exhale imagining negativity ( for me, sludgy browns, greens and red). I find it quite a helpful thing. Also, visualising a control room for your mind, finding the dial that is labelled " anxiety" and turning it down. I know this sounds so silly and it might not work for you but I thought I'd share it anyway just incase.

Are you still having therapy? It sounds like it has really helped you. I hope your dogs are keeping you company. I always crave lying next to my old dogs when I'm feeling horrible

Thanks @Jenda . I’m downstairs in the cozy snug (DH did get up with me for a while but I made him go back to bed after I took the beta blockers). The dogs (all three) are curled up on the sofas with me snoring gently. Friends is on. I had to use my asthma inhaler loads over the last few days - I hadn’t seen or used it from when we came to the new house and from when we moved in but I think that is the black mould everywhere in the rental house. It’s everywhere behind wardrobes etc we are just having to chuck all the furniture it’s soul destroying. I’m seeing the landlord there tomorrow DH says the black mould isn’t my fault. The guttering was blocked for 4 years and the floor boards are rotten but I still feel he will blame me and say I didn’t have the heating on or something.

DH is polite to my ex but he’s so angry about the court stuff. DH is great and is just a solid rock to lean on. We flicked through some of it - my medical records, the children’s just pages of incidents reported. Kids crying and saying they didn’t want to go to Daddy, unexplained bruises, a and e trips because they came home with eye infections, blisters, cuts or bruises - all of which were huge and in strange areas and ‘unexplained’ with the GP writing ‘phoned father and he had no explanation and said he didn’t notice’ or ‘phoned father and left message asking about origin of injuries - call not returned’ and so on. This was only ten years ago the legal system failed me. We lost our forever home due to the legal cost of court.

Both DH and I earn well and he has put everything into this house to make it ours and I do feel it is ours brought jointly. It is home and it is full of love but I hate the old feelings the reminders of the nights and months spent unable to sleep because of the ex. The feelings of total helplessness and being swallowed.

I have to see ex occasionally for court ordered visitation with the kids but he only sees them under third party supervision exchange and only if they want to go.

I like the idea of a control room and colours. At the moment I am surrounded by dogs literally pinning me in and the tv is on low. I’ve pulled the duvet over me and my eyes feel heavy.

DH is taking me on holiday away tomorrow for a few days. Somewhere bright and sunny and away from everything.

I’m keeping the TV on and noise down low and I’m just going to see if I can rest a bit.

Sleep well.

Spoke the the landlord today at 7am before we went on holiday and going to keep it for another month or so as we are off on holiday today. I had chest pains last night - just stress (had it before and it’s trauma based) and DH and I are off on holiday today. The house is 70% empty now and the landlord says he knows it is full of mould and has apologised and said I am and was a good tenant. So that good. I’m worried about the amount taken to the new house but DH has said not to worry that we can purge there as and when I want to. So we have left to go on holiday and DH literally to close the door on it and leave it alone for a week and recover. I love him so much my heart literally breaks at how lovely he is and understanding. He went through a trauma of a different kind about 6 years ago and so he totally gets it.

I hope you have a lovely holiday and managed to de-stress a bit.

You are on the home stretch now and you will get there. And then you will be able to breathe and relax and not have so much of the past still with you and hanging over you.

Have a lovely holiday! DH is right about purging things as and when. When my Dad died I found it very difficult to know what I should keep and painful to be ruthless with decluttering. In the end I had a few boxes in the loft and every year I would get them down and it was much easier to get rid of more. In the end I decided that really what I should keep, was the little things that I would be able to show my daughters so they knew who their grandad was. It was easy after that and I only have one small box now.

Hugely different to your situation I realise, but there can be peace in revising some of it. It sounds like you really haven't kept very much in the grand scheme of things and I hope that gradually, as the trauma quietens and you heal, that it won't have the same power over you anymore.

I think you are super brave and I am cheering you on!

Thank you all we are away on holiday in a different country now! I would say 70-80% of the entire house is done done. Lounge, our bedroom, DC bedroom, loft, garage, shed and summer house and conservatory all done. We have bathrooms utility and another study to do when back but it’s a couple of weekends work maximum. I just feel very very relived it’s done. I can think clearly now. I don’t regret anything gone and I would miss it I have the important things. Thank you to everyone.