Messy, cluttered house - moving soon, please help!

[Worryingme]

I’m so insanely overwhelmed. We’re moving to a new house soon, and I’m worried we’ll ruin it with all our things.

We have so much stuff! DH and I both had our own places before we moved in together so lots of duplicates. He is a shopper, and hates throwing anything away in case it could be useful, so we are constantly acquiring all sorts of rubbish and not a lot leaves the house.

I am pretty minimalistic but do hold on to our eldest’s clothes and toys to pass down to the baby. Also don’t have the heart to sell the baby things yet as we’re undecided on whether we’ll have more. I used to just keep everything indiscriminately but try to just cherry pick the nice bits now.

we have a double garage and a shed rammed full. New house has one single garage and no shed. DH also has a storage unit and things stored at his aunts house.

I am so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. The guest room, upstairs and downstairs hallway, office and our bedroom are all messy. The lounge, kitchen, dining room and playroom are in good order as I tidy these daily, though the kitchen cupboards definitely need a cull.

We just have so many things - anything you can imagine, we don’t just have it, we seem to have four of it! That are almost identical but just different enough that DH thinks keeping all of them is useful. It’s all very unorganised too - so it’s not as simple as “oh we’ve got three tin openers, let’s get rid of two”. There may be one in the kitchen drawer, one in a box in the garage, another one found in a random bag somewhere. Half the garage is full of boxes from our last move, still unboxed a year later. If I had it my way I would just bin these/donate them as we clearly don’t need whatever’s inside but DH would be absolutely horrified and would definitely sneak them all back in!!

DD goes to nursery, but I have an ebf baby who takes about 3 45 minute naps - one in the car. So I effectively have an hour and a half of “guaranteed” time to get things done in a day. I just feel like I’m on a hamster wheel and make no progress - all my time and energy just seems to be maintenance. By the time I’ve got myself, DD and baby washed, up, and dressed, made breakfast, lunch and prepped dinner, unloaded the dishwasher, made beds, quick wipe of the bathroom, picked up the floors so the robot can vacuum and maybe put a wash on/done a meal plan/changed the sheets DD is home from nursery! Once kids are in bed I tidy and then the next day it all starts again; without the garage getting so much as a look in/dealing with the other rooms. I’m so behind on washing it’s unbelievable - I must have 12 loads to do - which shows how many clothes we have!!!

I feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. We move in 6 weeks and are on holiday for 2 of those weeks, so need to plan and prepare for that too. I don’t want to ruin our lovely new house :(

DH has suspected ADHD and I love him to death, but cleaning up/tidying after himself is not his strong point. He needs things out and visible or he forgets they exist, so we end up with paperwork languishing on the mantelpiece for 3-6 weeks or he’ll forget it needs sorting. In the morning he’ll take 3 or 4 outfits out to choose from; then leave the ones he doesn’t wear out on the bannister in case he wants to wear it another time. He also struggles to finish projects - so often gets to the making a mess part and then stops. He genuinely really struggles and is very forgetful, I don’t think he’s intentionally leaving it for me. He works hugely long hours in a very stressful job, so I don’t really feel like I can ask him to tidy up after himself when he walks in from a 16 hour day, and I’m a stay at home mum. He’s so exhausted at the weekends he often falls asleep on the sofa right after we’ve put the little ones to sleep. As a result 98% of the housework and mental load falls to me. This wouldn’t bother me so much if we didn’t have so much stuff - I am in responsible for keeping track of, organising and maintaining the thousands and thousands of things! We are also probably over scheduled and stretched too thin - we have a huge extended family, and seeing them + kids activities + kids birthday parties + errands + shopping seem to take up most of the weekend. I just feel like giving up!! We are using a packing service to make the move easier, but I don’t just want to pack all the clutter, I want this to be a new start. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know where to begin but have today and tomorrow to make some real headway with DH to help and eldest with grandparents. Where do we begin?

We’re saving every penny we possibly can, so hiring a skip isn’t an option, and I think it would make DH incredibly stressed. Please help!

List items to give away on freecycle and Facebook. Chuck away bits each day you definitely don't need and book a dump run at your local reycling center, once a week should help. And if you dont drive, ask a family member or friend to help and throw them a few quid for petrol or a chocolate for helping you.

I'm in the same boat. My house is being overrun by stuff and I was so happy when i saw stuff going to the dump this morning. A bit at a time

Find a friend who likes organisation to help you. Line up family to help with dc. Get lots of boxes, and designate them for certain categories. Each time you have half an hour do one shelf or one drawer or one toy box. Keeping things go in the boxes (ready for the move) other stuff into charity or bin bags. Listing things to sell sounds great but takes time. You can maybe go through the boxes without dh and chuck duplicates! Can you tell I have a similar problem husband.

Thank you both. It’s so overwhelming and it just all feels relentless! I’ve just checked and our local tip is open tomorrow and Monday which is great! We’ve got a car, it isn’t huge so won’t fit that much in/some of the big things but hopefully we can make some good headway and do a few trips. I used to get really caught up in doing the right thing/best thing with each item but we’ve gone so far beyond that point, it just needs to go! Our tip does have a section for good things that you don’t want anymore which are then sold on at reuse events which is great so things aren’t going to waste.

the shed is largely full of things that need to go to the tip so that may be a quick win, and will free up some space to move boxes around and sort through. Feeling motivated to tackle it tomorrow!

Sounds like a good plan. TBH it sounds like your DH will probably be a blocker. I would say something like - I think your ADHD is making it hard for you and there is some hoarding going on. I know its not your fault but it makes life more difficult and stressful for me - and frankly we won't have room for it all. I am taking charge and deciding what stays and goes, please can you look after the kids?

Also I would take anything in shed, still in boxes straight to the tip. You haven't needed it so far. Be ruthless, it'll be easier.

A way I found helped me was when I was unsure about keeping something it was to ask myself

Would I know I had one od these if I needed it or would I buy a new one?

When the answer was I would buy a new one as I'd forgotten we had it. It goes out/gets donated. For the boxes in the garage dh struggles with letting go of. Could you agree to store for 1 month and if nothing is missed then they go?

Box outside with ‘Free. Help Yourself’

How about booking a couple of charity collections? I've used Anglo Collections. Takes away the effort of transporting everything to the charity shop. Watching/listening to the minimal mom, a slob comes clean and sort your life out might help. Good luck.

@LimeFish DH is definitely a blocker! I think it’s a family thing - his Mum is tidy but keeps EVERYTHING, when we moved to this house she took most of the stuff I had put in the charity bags home because they were “too good to waste” she also has a habit of turning up with bags of stuff every time she comes to visit - some of DH’s old stuff/her old stuff/things her friend was giving to charity that she thought we may like. She’s a lovely lady but this doesn’t help either!! And I think this attitude has made DH very worried about getting rid of things. I tend to declutter alone. I wouldn’t get rid of anything major of his, he’d feel hugely betrayed and anxious about that I think. Little odds and ends I do get rid of - old shoelaces etc. but he has so many things! genuinely must be nearly 100 pairs of socks, 45 pairs of trousers, 25 coats etc etc. just so much of EVERYTHING. He’s also guilty of fishing things out of the bin or charity bags - when asked why he says “I thought you threw it away by accident”/it could be useful/I could fix it/someone else may want it” - these are things like completely broken electronics that have sat in the garage for two years. He’s horrifically time poor and not particularly handy - he is not going to fix it!!!! These aren’t super valuable items either. It seems to cause him a lot of genuine anguish and stress.

@Enko i love this idea - part of our problem is things getting rebought because we know we have one but have no idea where it could be! Having a box of items “on hold” for a month may work well - some of this stuff has been stored for 4+ years without being touched but it may help him to see the light as I think he feels he’ll use things once we’ve found them, then he forgets them again!

@TheGirlWithGlassFeet ooh I didn’t realise you could book a charity collection - we’ve got loads for the charity shop! Will have to investigate this. I love a slob comes clean and sort your life out but haven’t come across minimal mom I will check that out too.

I agree with this. I would be putting as much as I could on the drive to save taking it to the dump/charity shop/taking it with you.

Exploit the fact your DH is out all day, has object permanence and you are moving so he'll never miss those 3 out of 4 tin openers!

Have you got any family you can rally round to help?

Try googling the 10-10-10 decluttering method- it's great, makes it feel so much more manageable. Good luck!

Tackle easy items first. Go to the shed and start identifying things to take to the tip. Physically move them aside/put in car. Get rid as soon as car is full. Repeat as necessary until all obvious rubbish is gone.

Next it's charity shop. Start gathering bags of clothes/toys - just whirlwind through and do easy stuff - not used, too small, don't like it etc. take straight to donate, no second chances 😂

By now you should start feeling better. Start tackling small areas. Drawer by drawer, cupboard by cupboard. You don't have time to gather tin openers together but just keep one - and if you come across another one, get rid of it! Have a bag always on the go so you can put stuff in, even if it is just one book or one pair of socks.

If you need to get rid of a high value item, try selling it. But if it doesn't go, don't hang on to it. Give it away to friends or family - Facebook posts are useful for this.

Freecycle is another option for giving things away although it can be time consuming arranging for collection. If you live in a place where people walk past your house, just stick it outside with a 'free' sign on it.

Baby stuff is tough. But try to think about how much you would pay to buy the thing again. Bouncy chair? Baby bath? They're about a fiver on Marketplace. There's no point keeping it for years. Just keep the tiny little clothes that are soooooo hard to part with 😂

@mouseyowl putting things out on the drive is a good idea - I see people offering things up on the local Facebook group that they’ve put on the drive and they always seem to go so that could be a good plan - I just feel embarrassed about it for some reason but that’s probably silly!

I love the idea of taking advantage of the pros of DH’s ways - very true that he’ll have no idea these things have gone anyway! I think the key is not to leave them lurking to be rediscovered in the bin/charity bags.

@Whosawake ooh I haven’t heard of this, love a new decluttering method! I’ll investigate.

@catsnore this sounds like a great strategy! I think that’s the crux of the issue - both DH and I are guilty of deciding to have a big clear out, spending the day putting things in piles for the tip or the charity shop - then they never get taken, and these things slowly get reabsorbed into the general mess! So I think taking it straight to the car and then to the tip will be key.

You’re right on the baby stuff - it’s hard! The advantage is DH will quite happily declutter the kids stuff/my stuff, it’s his own and the general household things that he gets precious about!! Which is an advantage I suppose, at least he doesn’t want to keep every tiny sock…though I secretly wish we could!

You need "A Slov Comes Clean". She has an excrement podcast but it's recommend the audio book 'Decluttering at the Speed of Life". Life changing.

Freecycle or local Facebook free groups. If the weather was nicer you could have a sale outside your house and advertise it on Facebook.

Don't take stuff to the tip if you can get someone else to take it away.

Trash nothing is a great site too.

Oh dear God my phone has gone mad. That should read Slob and excellent. Definitely no excrement.

Just coming on to say that you need "A Slob Comes Clean." See that others have recommended her too. Honestly, it's the only way.

The Olio app is quite good as an alternative to Freecycle if you have other users in your area.

As well as Anglo Doorstep Collections there is icollect.co.uk (in case their dates are more convenient).

OMG this ' stuff' must be sucking a lot of joy out of your life at the moment when it should all be about enjoying people.

I also think this, given your deadline of moving, is beyond bags to charity shops and Freecycle.

Charity shops are also not some magical recycling go to heaven portal.

Go to the tip, dump electronics in the right bin, old magazines in the other bin, general in the general.

MIL bags should be the first to go.

DH is going to have to step up and you may have to be quite brutal or the really good stuff risks being left behind.

Would your DH watch a couple of episodes of the Stacey Solomon Sort Your Life Out show? It’s quite motivating..,

Is there any mileage in making your DH watch one of those life laundry type tv shows. Would some outsider perspective help?

The baby equipment thing is hard but ultimately after two babies it's already had a hard life. I was desperate for a third but 20 years on so glad we didn't. The money, time, attention and hands only go so far. It would be lovely to fully enjoy the baby you have at this moment without being over whelmed by stuff.

Is your two week holiday for packing and sorting or are you going away?

Snap!

Your DH sounds like a hoarder, you have a 4 bed house, not enough money and he is paying for a storage unit.

You need to ask DH if he is happy to leave the sorting and packing to you. You need be brutal at this stage. To be honest I doubt you’re going to be able to throughly declutter in 4 weeks. You may need to accept that you will also going to be decluttering as you unpack. I would do as previous person suggested and book and Angelo collection now. Buy some bin bags and fill up as many as you can.

Will you be packing yourself? Or are you buying the service in?

Can I offer a moving tip? Get a notebook and keep a numbered list of your boxes (sharpie the number and room it needs to go in on the box)
In the notebook write what's in it.
Saves a lot of time.

Hello everyone! Thank you for all the comments, it’s really motivated me and I feel like this thread gives me some accountability. We’ve had a very productive day so far - DH is currently out on the fourth tip run of the day before it closes, and I think that’s all of the initial stuff that needs to go/all the obvious rubbish.

I’ve managed to completely clear the downstairs hall, and had a quick tidy of the kitchen and the lounge. I’ve also managed to get through a couple of loads of washing and have more on the go, which is clearing some space too!

So half of the shed is now empty - still have a load of toys to go through, and about 4 black sacks for the charity shop. There’s a few other bits - mirrors we never hung in this house, a shelf for the nursery. I’m telling myself we can keep these things if we know exactly where we’ll hang them in the new house. We also got all the excess cardboard to the tip which had been building up round the side of the house - which included some Christmas wrapping paper!!

I feel a lot better already; and like peeling back layers on an onion I can now see a load of other things that are easy donations/don’t need/can be sorted. I feel slightly less like running away when I walk into the garage and the shed now!! A fair amount came out of the garage for the tip too.

DH has surprised me today - i picked things out and he loaded them into the car then he did the tip run while I got the next batch ready. I think taking it and throwing it away has been satisfying for him, he even took the broken electronics x 3 without me asking!!! I think the key is letting it be his idea - there were a couple of things he wanted to get rid of that I wasn’t sure about but at this point anything leaving the house makes me happy so I agreed, and I think that’s made him feel less like it’s an attack on all his things!! There was some old carpet offcuts he suggested might be useful for moving in when I went to put them in the car - so I said “okay, shall I put them back” and started to pull them out - then he said no I don’t think we’ll need them and put them back in! Reverse psychology. I know for a fact if I’d said this is ridiculous we don’t need to keep these he’d have doubled down (these off cuts were kept by him from the last house because they could be useful….). so it’s actually been much less difficult with him than I anticipated - I even saw him going through a couple of his own boxes and pulling some things out. So hopefully we are on the up! Still a very very long way to go but feeling like maybe I can see the wood through the trees!