Messy, cluttered house - moving soon, please help!

[Worryingme]

I’m so insanely overwhelmed. We’re moving to a new house soon, and I’m worried we’ll ruin it with all our things.

We have so much stuff! DH and I both had our own places before we moved in together so lots of duplicates. He is a shopper, and hates throwing anything away in case it could be useful, so we are constantly acquiring all sorts of rubbish and not a lot leaves the house.

I am pretty minimalistic but do hold on to our eldest’s clothes and toys to pass down to the baby. Also don’t have the heart to sell the baby things yet as we’re undecided on whether we’ll have more. I used to just keep everything indiscriminately but try to just cherry pick the nice bits now.

we have a double garage and a shed rammed full. New house has one single garage and no shed. DH also has a storage unit and things stored at his aunts house.

I am so overwhelmed and don’t know where to start. The guest room, upstairs and downstairs hallway, office and our bedroom are all messy. The lounge, kitchen, dining room and playroom are in good order as I tidy these daily, though the kitchen cupboards definitely need a cull.

We just have so many things - anything you can imagine, we don’t just have it, we seem to have four of it! That are almost identical but just different enough that DH thinks keeping all of them is useful. It’s all very unorganised too - so it’s not as simple as “oh we’ve got three tin openers, let’s get rid of two”. There may be one in the kitchen drawer, one in a box in the garage, another one found in a random bag somewhere. Half the garage is full of boxes from our last move, still unboxed a year later. If I had it my way I would just bin these/donate them as we clearly don’t need whatever’s inside but DH would be absolutely horrified and would definitely sneak them all back in!!

DD goes to nursery, but I have an ebf baby who takes about 3 45 minute naps - one in the car. So I effectively have an hour and a half of “guaranteed” time to get things done in a day. I just feel like I’m on a hamster wheel and make no progress - all my time and energy just seems to be maintenance. By the time I’ve got myself, DD and baby washed, up, and dressed, made breakfast, lunch and prepped dinner, unloaded the dishwasher, made beds, quick wipe of the bathroom, picked up the floors so the robot can vacuum and maybe put a wash on/done a meal plan/changed the sheets DD is home from nursery! Once kids are in bed I tidy and then the next day it all starts again; without the garage getting so much as a look in/dealing with the other rooms. I’m so behind on washing it’s unbelievable - I must have 12 loads to do - which shows how many clothes we have!!!

I feel so hopeless and overwhelmed. We move in 6 weeks and are on holiday for 2 of those weeks, so need to plan and prepare for that too. I don’t want to ruin our lovely new house :(

DH has suspected ADHD and I love him to death, but cleaning up/tidying after himself is not his strong point. He needs things out and visible or he forgets they exist, so we end up with paperwork languishing on the mantelpiece for 3-6 weeks or he’ll forget it needs sorting. In the morning he’ll take 3 or 4 outfits out to choose from; then leave the ones he doesn’t wear out on the bannister in case he wants to wear it another time. He also struggles to finish projects - so often gets to the making a mess part and then stops. He genuinely really struggles and is very forgetful, I don’t think he’s intentionally leaving it for me. He works hugely long hours in a very stressful job, so I don’t really feel like I can ask him to tidy up after himself when he walks in from a 16 hour day, and I’m a stay at home mum. He’s so exhausted at the weekends he often falls asleep on the sofa right after we’ve put the little ones to sleep. As a result 98% of the housework and mental load falls to me. This wouldn’t bother me so much if we didn’t have so much stuff - I am in responsible for keeping track of, organising and maintaining the thousands and thousands of things! We are also probably over scheduled and stretched too thin - we have a huge extended family, and seeing them + kids activities + kids birthday parties + errands + shopping seem to take up most of the weekend. I just feel like giving up!! We are using a packing service to make the move easier, but I don’t just want to pack all the clutter, I want this to be a new start. I’m so overwhelmed I don’t know where to begin but have today and tomorrow to make some real headway with DH to help and eldest with grandparents. Where do we begin?

We’re saving every penny we possibly can, so hiring a skip isn’t an option, and I think it would make DH incredibly stressed. Please help!

Great update @Worryingme !!!!
How exciting, working together, new home to look forward to.

Have a lovely evening, after a very productive day.

I would recommend trying to change your attitudes to getting rid of stuff first, so that you know there's a good reason for it when it feels difficult!

I would ask myself "Is it really more important to keep 4 tin openers taking up space, pack, transport and unpack them between different homes, move them whenever I need to clean, stress over having too much stuff... JUST to try and prevent a situation where it breaks and you're stuck without a tin opener for a day?"

Or think of pros and cons.

Getting rid PROs:
An easier move with less stuff.
A calmer home.
Easier to clean the house.
More space.

Getting rid CONs:
If the one tin opener breaks, you might be stuck without a tin opener until you can get to a shop!
Can't open 4 tins at once anymore.

Keeping it PROs:
You're covered in case 3 tin openers break at the same time and you can't buy a new one for weeks.

Keeping it CONs:
Got to pack the duplicates, which could add up to a whole other family's moving boxes! And got to move it all or pay for movers extra for moving unnecessary stuff.
Home will feel overwhelming and stressful.
Home will be really hard to keep clean and nice.
It takes ages to find everything.
More likely to lose stuff and end up buying duplicates anyway (as you've shown!)

Hope you get to a point where the decluttering gives you a high! I love the feeling. 😍

Amazing update! Great job 🎉🎉

This stood out to me in your OP
“ As a result 98% of the housework and mental load falls to me”.

No wonder you feel overwhelmed. Clutter plus that level of responsibility is too much. I know you’re trying to be sympathetic to your DH but he needs to understand that you have a right to clear, calm spaces if he’s not going to share the load.

Glad to see your update though and that he’s hopefully getting on board with decluttering.

Keep going, minimalism (in your home but also your calendar) is calming and joyful.
Also recommend The Minimal Mom Dawn
https://www.theminimalmom.com/

Your husband is a hoarder. It's not normal to have to rent a storage unit for excess items he doesn't need. He's going to bring those same issues to the next house unless he gets some help. You can't solve a problem that someone else keeps recreating, no matter how hard you work.

If you have loads of books or decent duplicate furniture, oxfam books and British Heart Foundation will come and take things away. I'm sure other charities will do similar.

Could you put stuff out on your driveway/ front door and say "free to take". Not huge amounts obviously but children's stuff tends to go - especially in lockdown, I got rid of a few larger toys this way.

@XLondoner exactly that! It’s sucking the life out of me, I feel so stressed about all the stuff and it’s stopping me from feeling excited about our lovely new home. It’s a dream house for us, after years of terrible landlords and bad rentals. There should be so much joy, but it feels like a physical weight on my chest! We do have family and friends who would help, but the really bad bits I’m too embarrassed to show anybody - if I have a good tidy before the main areas of the house look great and I get comments about how organised I am and how tidy everything is…then there’s the garage of shame/cupboard of doom/floordrobe upstairs and I just feel like a fraud. My best friend knows and has seen the messy - she’s very tidy and has helped me in the past, but she’s pregnant and has little ones of her own so I can’t really ask for much assistance from her - if anything I want to help her with her bits. I find other people’s houses so much more satisfying to deal with!!

I love what you say about charity shops - so true!!! The main thing is that it leaves the house! I used to tie myself into knots about taking everything to the “perfect” place and could spend hours driving round dropping batteries at one place, old electronics at another, unopened toiletries elsewhere etc etc. hours of work to get rid of one aldi bags worth of things!

we’re buying the service in so not packing ourselves, which we’ve never done before but it wasn’t much more than the cost of the move to add packing. Last time we moved we did it on a total shoestring, while I was heavily pregnant, and it was a nightmare - we hired a man with a van for a half day, and everything ended up getting shoved in the garage except big furniture as we were running out of time - half the stuff is still there almost a year on! But I don’t want the fact that we’re using them to mean we don’t declutter as it means we won’t physically be packing everything. The idea was the packing service would free up time and headspace for the declutter. The plan is for DH to work the two days before we move while the packers are in, then take the day of the move off.

I’ve tried episodes of hoarders etc with DH before, I think he gets sick of bringing it up/doesn’t find it relaxing whereas I love watching them. I’ll try one again - I think he may like the sort your life out format where they put it all in the warehouse.

@PouthSark i love this! This is what I’m trying to explain to DH - I think his logic is if it’s perfectly good then we may as well keep it because we’ve already bought it, but I’m trying to teach him that keeping it has a cost in terms of storage/headspace/space.

Why is DH working 16 hour days? That sounds awful but also as you say leaves everything else to you. Is this sustainable?

@benefitstaxcredithelp This is what I struggle with. I try to be sympathetic because I know it’s not laziness, it’s a combination of things and he really does work incredibly hard. But it’s very hard running the house, looking after the little ones and maintaining all the stuff and tidying on my own. He does a lot at the weekend, but it so exhausted and if he doesn’t have any down time it then gets worse and worse. He completely burnt out a few years ago and had effectively a nervous breakdown so I’m wary of putting too much pressure on him, and he’s quite anxious/worries a lot so it’s hard to get the balance right of this is a problem, but not worth losing sleep over!

@YellowRoom it’s not 16 hours every day but it can be, it all depends on the workload. I’m not sure why he works so much - I think it’s a combination. The hours tend to be full on in the industry anyway, and I think he’s being primed for a promotion so taking on more. He’s also a perfectionist and will really hyperfocus on work, when he gets in a flow he finds it very difficult to stop, and will literally sit for hours, miss meals etc. I think this is part of the potential ADHD. I think the ADHD also means he can be inefficient, and things maybe take him longer or he has to work harder than a neurotypical person would to achieve the same outcome. I think he’s also a bit of a control freak when it comes to work, and he struggles to delegate potentially.

I try to encourage work life balance and he does take it more seriously now we have the little ones - so if he’s WFH then he will take a break in the evening to have dinner and spend a bit of time with them before going back up and finishing off work.

It tends to come in waves, so sometimes they’ll have a very busy period and it’ll be full on, then settle down to almost normal hours.

We'll done OP. It sounds like it's going really well

Fantastic progress today - you deserve a nice takeaway tonight after all that work

Sounds like you’ve done brilliantly today. I’d strike while the iron’s hot, so to speak, and pop on a Sort Your Life Out episode to watch with your evening meal and a glass of something!

Also - even if it makes it to your house in the packing boxes, it doesn’t need to be kept if you unpack it and think ‘Hmmm…’ You can quietly be rid at that point. A Slob Comes Clean podcast has a few episodes specifically on how she tackled moving house.

@Theleaveswillbefalling

Your DH sounds like a hoarder, you have a 4 bed house, not enough money and he is paying for a storage unit.

**
Yep
He's a hoarder - good luck with that .........

@TammyJones I do think he might be. The storage unit came about when be moved back in with parents temporarily between places, and it’s just never been emptied. So he fell into having it, rather than consciously going out to get one if that makes sense? But it’s still not been emptied and we’re still paying for it so there’s definitely an issue there. Again, we haven’t even been out to it for a couple of years so I’m of the opinion that we should just empty the whole thing, but I think there are some photos/sentimental bits.

i definitely think he has hoarding tendencies, but we’re not necessarily at full blown hoarding yet. But if he is a hoarder what do I do? Is it fixable?! Does hoarding always have to mean messy? I’m assuming yes if the hoarder isn’t organised!

Im glad you had a productive day.

I have ADHD, but no hoarding tendencies thank goodness. My dh is fantastic - loving, accepting and non-judgmental. You sound similarly lovely.

As someone with ADHD, I think the key is to get them excited. But then don’t expect your dh to feel the same again tomorrow. Other tricks might be to put on music or podcasts. When your dh is on a roll, let him go with it. As today showed - he will be super productive. There will be a crash and burn. Don’t be disappointed if he’s less motivated tomorrow. I wonder if your dh found today easier cause of the bank holiday? If he’s working super-hard, he may not have the capacity to find the energy on a normal weekend.

My tip would be to accept that you will be doing some declutterring as you unpack. Hopefully not too much, but don’t set yourself up to fail by having unrealistic expectations. You’ve got young dc and not much time. Til then, just concentrate on getting stuff out the house. Don’t move things around at home, just see it as bag/car trip at a time. I’d also see if you can get someone to help with dc for a day if possible to give yourself a bit of extra time.

Good luck!

It's interesting to me that people (men!) can be perfectionists at their work but not at their home or improving their family life. Why can't his hyper-focus be directed in ways that benefit your family?

And don't use your valuable time writing overlong posts on MN............

@Worryingme
Hoarding is usually a mental illness that doesn't improve without therapy.
I'm not an expert, but believe it's usually brought on by trauma ( a death , divorce, abuse etc)
I'm really tidy but kept a lot of my mums stuff (she died when I was a teenager)
Read this fantastic book by Karen Kingston - Clear your clutter. And got rid of the lot.
I realised I didn't have to keep her things to remember her - and I felt better for it - energised and able ti move forward.

Finished some decorating that needs to be done before we move today, which means we can use that room again and put the furniture back in which will make life much easier. One of the freed up boxes from yesterday will be used for all the decorating bits going forward so they aren’t strewn all over the garage like before.

charity collection on Thursday and I have 5 black sacks for that ready so far.

Down to 3 loads of washing, I’ve done about 8 over the last two days and made sure they’ve actually been put away. So nice to have clean everything! Some bits didn’t fit in the drawers - didn’t start pulling everything out but did some one in one out to clear space and the outs went in the charity bag.

Lots of organising bits done for the holiday so feeling less stressed about that too. All in all pleased with what we’ve achieved this weekend.

I’ve kept on top of the downstairs hallway today after clearing it yesterday - it’s normally a dumping ground so trying to make sure it doesn’t get refilled!

I’ve downloaded 2 of the books from a slob comes clean and started them - I think they’ll be invaluable, I really like her approach. Have talked DH into watching an episode of sort your life out tonight so hoping that resonates.

feeling positive today!

If you have books to get rid of look at the ziffit App. You scan the bar codes of the books, ziffit gives you a price, they wont accept everything as presumably they know what sells, you accept and agree a collection date and box up the books, then they pick them up from your house,no printing labels or anything.

Good update.
Good luck with the move

he loaded them into the car then he did the tip run

did he - or did they go to his mum’s/Aunty’s house/storage unit? Hoarders generally don’t give up things easily and he sounds well into stage 2 hoarding category.

Hi just seen your initial post when I googled something similar. Just wondered how it all went in the end?