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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Decluttering but keep being given stuff

28 replies

MucozadeOnLucozade · 07/07/2023 21:49

It's a really awkward one. FIL has recently lost his wife and he is decluttering. He keeps giving bags and bags of stuff to us and I just don't know what to do with it all. Husband is not tidy person and not proactive to sort these bags out. It's starting to stress me out, but due to the recent sad circumstances feel it would be rude to say no we can't take them. Our house is already cluttered and bursting to capacity without more being added and it's stressful.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 07/07/2023 21:51

Straight in the bin.

Ourladycheesusedatum · 07/07/2023 21:52

First answer has it. As soon you are gifted a bag of shit, just bin it. Dont even let it in the house.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 07/07/2023 21:57

Straight in the bin as pp said. Don't start stressing over which stuff needs to go to the charity shop or which to the tip and all that, I'm all for being eco friendly but you didn't ask for this and you need to think of your own stress levels.
Maybe tell your DH that any further bags will be going straight in the bin but if he wants to sift through and take to charity shop then he can but that nothing is staying in your home.
Don't tell that to FIL of course.
Also, if there is clothing in there you can put that in the clothing bank at the supermarket easily enough if you have the energy.

Original poster
MucozadeOnLucozade · 07/07/2023 21:58

Some of the stuff husband wants to keep. Surely it would get to a point when there's no more stuff left to come!!!!

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 07/07/2023 22:03

You need to be realistic about how much space you have to store the stuff he wants to keep. Obviously this is difficult for a grieving family and you don't want to come across as heartless to your husband but a sensible and sensitive conversation needs to be had with him.

Parlourgames · 07/07/2023 22:18

I took a load from my dad and I have been sorting it out, just took a nice opportunity to hand a lot on to the summer fair Bric a brac stall.

I think you should get your DH to sort this. It’s his place but it’s also his right to as it’s his family stuff.

But anything he doesn’t sort out you can box up and remove

MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 07/07/2023 22:20

Bereavement makes you a bit mad about this sort of stuff. I chucked everything out when DF died - and regretted it. Then I massively over-corrected when DM died and couldn't chuck anything away Also bad.

Your FIL is probably desperate to feel some continuity, by passing things on to you. I would smile, say thank you, then drop it at the nearest charity shop/tip, as appropriate.

toochesterdraws · 07/07/2023 22:23

We are in the middle of clearing a house after a family bereavement. The sheer amount of stuff in a neat and tidy house is unbelievable when you start sorting things out. I have every sympathy.

determinedtomakethiswork · 07/07/2023 22:24

But sometimes people want to keep something that they had completely forgotten about or didn't even know existed. Are these real keepsakes that your husband is bothered about?

Moveoverdarlin · 07/07/2023 22:24

Chuck. It. In. Bin.

MrsMoastyToasty · 07/07/2023 22:27

Check it for cash first.
Then bin or charity shop

MetaverseMavis · 07/07/2023 22:29

Stack it all on DH side of the bed or if he is WFH on his desk. It is his job to deal with this not yours

Original poster
MucozadeOnLucozade · 07/07/2023 23:50

It's a few photos which obviously we keep, but lots of cooking type stuff, games, cassettes, books etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
MucozadeOnLucozade · 07/07/2023 23:50

Thank you, some very interesting comments on the thread.

OP posts:
Passmethecrisps · 07/07/2023 23:58

This could so have been written by me that I think people who know me could think it defo was.

we had car bootfulls for months and months. It was absolutely awful. For a long time boxes just piled into the utility room. It was all just too hard - so much loss and emotion as well as a complete lack of tidy awareness meant that it was destined just to keep piling up. I did the “your side of the bed” stuff but the sheer scale meant it wasn’t manageable.

I have had to be more brutal as time has passed. Nothing particular clever or even very kind but I just had to put my foot down. I actually don’t know where some of it went. There were boxes and boxes of toy cars and books - I think they are in the garage.

I will be entirely honest. It took a a very firm conversation which involved threats of a skip and/or a bonfire. Apparently FILs loft is now empty so I can relax. The weird thing is that those were the exact words used by FIL - so he knew the issues but couldn’t help himself but decant

SleepingStandingUp · 08/07/2023 00:12

Don't just bin it op. Your husband is presumably grieving his mother. These items are presumably ones that belonged to her. It isn't your place to decide they all belong in the bin and is he did it in reverse, he's absolutely get slated on here.

Can you suggest on an evening once you're sorted and relaxing that you go through a bag together. Once he's looked at each item ask if it's something he wants to keep or pass on. At least he can sort it and box it up properly if he needs to keep it for now

Original poster
MucozadeOnLucozade · 08/07/2023 00:18

These aren't items that have belonged to her as such with significant memories, it's more like FIL is decluttering and we're getting it all. Obviously we keep the photos and sentimental stuff.

I wouldn't bin anything without his permission.

OP posts:
Davros · 08/07/2023 00:25

We binned the photos too. We didn't know who they were...

Hollyppp · 08/07/2023 13:58

Go through the bag with DH and make immediate decisions on what can go to charity or tip

Ourladycheesusedatum · 08/07/2023 14:46

MucozadeOnLucozade · 08/07/2023 00:18

These aren't items that have belonged to her as such with significant memories, it's more like FIL is decluttering and we're getting it all. Obviously we keep the photos and sentimental stuff.

I wouldn't bin anything without his permission.

Do you or your husband know the people in the photos?

Do your children if you have any?
If not, throw them.
I'm guessing this is the accumulation of a long marriage and not everything personal, memorable, expensive. If you really cant just throw it out, then as soon as some comes in, same day, you go through it and decide there and then. Charity shop, textile bin, keep, throw. And stick to it.

If your husband is loathe to throw stuff out then box it and if hes not looked at it by this time next year, lob it in the bin. He wont remember by this time next year what was even in the box.

If its furniture, then depending on what, straight to charity shop or tip or remove your own to keep it.

Jibo · 09/07/2023 10:59

Poor FIL. Sorting out a loved one's things after their death is awful and he's obviously struggling to do it on his own. Your DH should be going over there and helping him sort things at his house so that only the stuff you actually want comes to yours. He could drop the rest at a charity shop on his way home.

Allshallbewell2021 · 09/07/2023 14:25

Much empathy - I've had decades of MIL decluttering the bounty of her shopaholic lifestyle onto us. It's a real nightmare. A few things have been useful but it's a destructive behaviour even when it's unintended

HettyMeg · 15/07/2023 22:27

Husband needs to sort it out as it's his parent - it sounds like it is part of FIL's grieving process. Needs to go to charity shop or in bin.

Realfastfoodie · 06/08/2023 09:45

I do think that this is a hard one. This isn’t just a relative dumping on you, this is a grieving process and if my DH binned things that one of my parents had bagged up in this way without talking to me, I would be devastated.

I agree with the suggestion of dealing with each bag as it comes in. Sit with your husband and go through it. Perhaps set up a memory box (just one box, but a decent size) for things that are sentimental but aren’t going to find a place in your house.

Realfastfoodie · 06/08/2023 09:46

Also remember (and maybe remind your DH) this will fall to him anyway when FIL sadly dies in the future, so really you are getting a head start on it now.