My stuff has taken over our house and DP hates it

[TheBeesKnee]

DP is a minimalist and I am a maximalist hoarder, apparently.

I've chosen all the furniture and decorations and the bookcases are full of my books and our storage cabinets are full of my hobby things that I want to get round to but don't have time - I have a new baby and if I was honest with myself I'd have to accept that I will probably not use those supplies ever again. But I'd like to and getting rid of everything feels like accepting I'll never have fun again?!

DP is complaining about all the stuff everywhere and how there's no room for anything and I don't know what to do. I feel very stuck.

Any help or advice?

Op I was going to say it’s subjective but then you said 2 to 3. My ex was a hoarder - he has a study for most of his crap - and filled the garage and shed and frequently had things on surfaces as he believed it was more efficient if ‘the most used items’ were out where we could see them.

Add two kids with SEN to the mix and it was extremely bad for my mental health. I couldn’t live like that, apart from the mess, when you have a toddler grabbing at things it’s just a health hazard.

I know it’s hard to get rid of items that are attached to your identity but I don’t think it’s fair for your family to live like that either. Join us on one of the decluttering threads to give you some support.

I threw away one medium box of stuff today and tidied 2 drawers. I started on the cupboard but then the baby woke up and I had to stop.

It feels very deflating but you're all right, things are going to go off by the time I get round to using them.

There is a recent thread about a poster in a relationship with a hoarder -the unanimous advice was to ditch him.

I'm hoping my partner of 12 years won't walk out on me and our 7 week old baby 🙂

It sounds like you’ve made a start which is the biggest step. :)

I couldn’t live in 2-3, unless it was an older childs bedroom and limited to their room. Plus 2-3 also means so much more week to clear the whole room before you hoover and dust, it also isn’t a safe space once the baby is crawling.

Everything we own should have a space to live that isn’t the floor, on top of that all adults in the home should have equal space to store their belongings. If they have too much for this, the person with too much needs to look at storing it elsewhere where it won’t have a negative impact on use of the home (so no, not another shed) so storage container etc paid for from their own personal spends pot, not the shared pot.

I'm sure I've seen a different set of pictures where it's more organised or piles of clutter rather than like the bedroom of a young child.

It must have been the sitting room and kitchen scales I was thinking of. Though my DGM has much more organised clutter.

Accept the reality that you'll never do those hobbies in the foreseeable future and declutter it. You can repurchase supplies at a later date if you ever get time. Supplies deteriorate over time and your feelings about who you are and what you want to do for a hobby may change. A hobby for your fantasy-self is not more important than your marriage

Does he hate the furniture? You should have chosen it together really, did he leave it all upto you? That's on him if he did. If you have different styles you could compromise, what room is most important to him? You could decorate that one in his style and leave the rest in your style.

He needs to accept he can't have a minimalist home when he married someone who isn't. Keep it tidy though, everything away after you've used it or at the end of the day, nothing more jarring than coming down to chaos in the morning. Do DC have too many toys? Cull the ones they don't play with, do it when they're not around and they won't even notice

Cull your books down to your favourites and sentimental ones

Do you have too many clothes? Extra clothes means extra furniture. You don't have to go minimalist, but if you've got more than one wardrobe and one chest of drawers to yourself you've got more than you need, especially if you're storing out of season clothes in the loft or under the bed. Start by getting rid of anything that doesn't fit, is stained, holey or bobbly, get rid of anything you don't love even if it was a gift. Then remove all the ones that don't suit your current lifestyle and put them in the loft. Maybe then you've got some empty furniture to either store other things in or get rid of. Get a shoe rack for the hallway that's big enough for all the shoes it has to house

Declutter the not used things from the kitchen, from appliances to extra crockery and the junk drawer. If it's only there "just in case" get rid of it. Usually if I ask myself "in case of what?" I either don't have an answer at all or the answer is ridiculous eg in case I have everyone round for dinner (I know few people and don't even have a dining table!)

Are you an organised hoarder? I'd never even get to 2 on that clutter scale, I can't stand mess, but I have a level 6 (on the scale posted) amount of stuff. It just doesn't look like that because it's tidily stored.

Do you have stuff kept in rooms it shouldn't be in? A collection is kept in the room it belongs in, if it spills over into other rooms it's a hoard.

Can you use each room for it's intended purpose or is it too full?

Do you have things stored permanently on the stairs (or "temporarily" until some mythical point in the future when you free up some space for them elsewhere)?

Do you have any blocked doorways or exit routes?

If you needed to move some things eg to have work done, is there anywhere else to put it temporarily and still use those rooms too, or is everywhere already too full?

OP don't get storage units. If it's in a storage unit you're definitely not using it so it can go. Things spoil in storage units. They're expensive and the unit will end up costing you more than repurchasing the stuff at a later date would

I wonder if you will have anytime at all now the baby is here! you will have at least 18 years of not having a minute to yourself!

Three months on and he's off again.

I have been slowly decluttering and selling things online with a view that I'll donate anything that isn't sold by December.

I think he's stressed but he's complaining about the hoover being "rubbish" and stuff being absolutely everywhere.

I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said get rid of everything a la Marie Kondo 🙄

I feel a little bit sick and I'm hiding upstairs in our room feeding the baby.

My dad used to go on these "cleaning rages" where he'd rip up and throw away loads of things so I'm feeling a little bit triggered by my partner's rage cleaning. To be clear he's not shouting or aggressive or anything.

I'm also feeling a little bit resentful because he doesn't do much to contribute on a daily basis aside from clean the hob and counters maybe once per week. Every evening he gets to sit down at the computer and do whatever he wants.

Some of the "stuff" that's "everywhere" is laundry which needs to be put away. There's sheets which have been up on the banister for a week.

Op, I think I wasn’t very sympathetic originally as I had empathy for your husband but I’m changing my mind as he doesn’t sound very encouraging. It sounds like you’re working hard at it and that can’t be easy with a baby as well. Can you take before and after pictures so that you can see how well you’ve done?

I wonder if there are deeper problems in your relationship, and while you’ve been hoarding and he’s been telling you to declutter he’s had the high ground, now I could be wrong but is there a chance that actually he’s just a moany twat who won’t be happy with anything you do? I hated having a hoarder husband but when he did get rid of stuff I helped and was encouraging. I also did a dozen tip runs for him when he was busy.

When you say you’re going to get rid of stuff that’s not sold for December I wonder if that means you have stuff lying around everywhere. I think - if you can afford it - you should get rid of it sooner. I have a policy where if I don’t sell something in a fortnight, I’ll put it on freecycle to give away free and if it’s not gone in a week I’ll take it to a charity shop. If I don’t do this then I have crap everywhere.

if this is a relationship problem you might want to post on the relationship board.

I asked him what he wanted me to do and he said get rid of everything a la Marie Kondo 🙄

I feel a little bit sick and I'm hiding upstairs in our room feeding the baby.

My dad used to go on these "cleaning rages" where he'd rip up and throw away loads of things so I'm feeling a little bit triggered by my partner's rage cleaning. To be clear he's not shouting or aggressive or anything.

Don't be afraid to remind him that housework isn't just your job, it's both of yours. Maternity leave is for recovering from birth and looking after baby, not for running yourself ragged and setting a precedent that all household related tasks are yours and he "helps you" if he feels like it. If you are afraid to raise this issue with him for fear of his response then you have far bigger problems in your relationship than a bit of clutter.

Go on YouTube, find Hoarder's Heart and show him the video where she talks about this very thing you've mentioned above. If you are forced to de-hoard all of a sudden it retraumatises you and you might respond by hoarding worse than ever before.

You're decluttering, you're doing it, he needs to be patient. Although unless you need the money you could donate rather than sell, to speed things up a bit. Selling is not only time consuming waiting for a buyer but in listing the stuff and answering questions, as well as sending sold items off, so it means less time for housework or having fun. What's more important, your marriage or the few hundred pounds you'll make selling it all?

He needs to stop blaming you though. You haven't pretended to be something you're not and he could see the way you were/lived before you had a baby. The pair of you are where you are and nobody forced him there at gunpoint.

If the place is a state he needs to look around it and see what he can do to make it better eg put laundry away or buy a new Hoover, then he needs to go do it. He has a child now, his evenings aren't his any more, just as your evenings aren't yours, it's family time and he needs to get on board with that, otherwise you may as well be a single parent.

I would recommend watching Sort your life out on BBCiplayer. Very motivating in terms of getting going and helps you think differently. I’m blind to my own stuff and frustrated by my other half’s.

It’s difficult because your baby is so small, and is turning both your old lives upside down. You’ll come back to hobbies almost certainly, maybe not right now. Toy clutter is almost certainly in your near future. It’s lovely having a new baby but it’s a huge life change, so try to be kind to yourselves too.

Excellent post, @BlueSummerBaby

I'm also feeling a little bit resentful because he doesn't do much to contribute on a daily basis aside from clean the hob and counters maybe once per week. Every evening he gets to sit down at the computer and do whatever he wants.

Some of the "stuff" that's "everywhere" is laundry which needs to be put away. There's sheets which have been up on the banister for a week.

You need to be brave and tell him that.

He uses the sheets?
He is able bodied?
You are both putting in full days?

Are you putting in night duty too? If yes, and if he is sleeping all night, then he needs to take his finger out and do housework, and not resentfully or angrily. You are a team.

Tell him his computer is in your way.. What a twat.

Ask him to watch this.

You might like to look at this yourself.

I sympathise. I've spent my life accumulating things for projects I'm going to do 'one day'. I do like having various items 'in stock' so to speak (for DIY activities) however I am finally coming around to the idea that a) I'm never going to have the time, and b) my back issues probably wouldn't allow it even if I did have the time. Thus I have been doing boot sales and starting 'the great clear out'.

While in one way it is heartbreaking, in another way it is very therapeutic. I can't stand the though of useful stuff going in the bin, so a boot sale was the next best thing. It's been great seeing it all go to a good home.

Marie Kondo is a great method to utilise. More importantly you need to sit down and ask him to pull his weight with the domestic chores

As someone who feels they lost a bit of their identity after becoming a mum I would say keep the stuff and make time to use it - sorry if that’s not helpful but if this is a hobby that brings you joy - make some time in the week to have fun and use it 🌸

I thought it was a rule that no one sits down until all the work is done. That's a pretty simple rule to explain.