My stuff has taken over our house and DP hates it

[TheBeesKnee]

DP is a minimalist and I am a maximalist hoarder, apparently.

I've chosen all the furniture and decorations and the bookcases are full of my books and our storage cabinets are full of my hobby things that I want to get round to but don't have time - I have a new baby and if I was honest with myself I'd have to accept that I will probably not use those supplies ever again. But I'd like to and getting rid of everything feels like accepting I'll never have fun again?!

DP is complaining about all the stuff everywhere and how there's no room for anything and I don't know what to do. I feel very stuck.

Any help or advice?

I lived with a hoarder for 45 years, It was hell! Please take a look around , try to see if he has a point. People who hoard really don't see that their stuff is everywhere, there is never enough or too much, everything is going to be used one day. I'm not saying it's like this for you, because without actually seeing it, no one can. But I think you do need to consider whether you are on that road.

What do you want to be different?

The ideas and help offered would be different at different stages of the 1 - 9 Clutter Image Rating scale. Where are your rooms at now?

Are all your rooms about the same or are some rooms more significantly full?

Collecting behaviour is treated differently from Hoarding Disorder which is a medical diagnosis, Chronic disorganisation is often a feature for neurodivergent people. Trauma can be a big part of the picture.

The language used needs to be accurate to help offer the most helpful help!

Can you cut your stuff down to half the storage space that is not needed for baby things? Keep surfaces clear of non essential items and clutter. Then he will have some clear space and feel calmer. I don't like the things I have crammed in a small space just because I have fewer things than someone else, I like my fair share of space.

Does he have a hobby? Does he spend time on his hobby? Does he have storage for his hobby? Sometimes new fathers are better at carving out time for their hobby than mothers. If so maybe you need to start planning when he will take baby so you have an hour or two to do your hobby. Sometimes one person in a relationship feels that their stuff for their hobby is vital - so having a road bike, mountain bike, tools to mend it, cycle helmets, Lycra etc is vital for their physical health. Your stuff, although it might take up less space is not seen as important for your mental health. Especially if you are not having the opportunity to use it, uninterrupted. He might of course not have a hobby if so how does he /did he fill his leisure time?

Your hobby also sounds like the sort of thing you can share with your dc in time so don't completely get rid of everything but maybe put some stuff into storage and have a little for each hobby available and make sure you take time to do it.

Things change so quickly - Hobbies - I liked art - well there are soooo many new types of paint (water based oils for example) cheaper paper, man made brushes. DH saved loads of books for his retirement that he'd read when he had time - well he is spending 99% of his spare time on Youtube where he learns much more - and it's up to date, listens to audiobooks, podcasts.
Chuck it all unless you spin wool and the spinning wheel will become more expensive over time.
And you won't have time til DC is years older anyway.

This might be useful to gauge just how messy and cluttered things are.

Be honest about how much there is.

DH is like the OP, can’t bear getting rid of stuff as he might use it in the future or just keeps it cos he loves it which is fair enough to a point but it means that I can’t keep anything I might like to keep because there is nowhere to keep it.

It also causes a creep of stuff that is used every day being left out as drawers, cupboards and the garage are full of stuff we’re (DH) hoarding.
It leads to a more cluttered house and even though I wouldn’t describe myself as a minimalist it becomes quite overwhelming.
Hes not like a full on hoarder, stuff floor to ceiling but just keeps a lot of stuff, like you. It’s pretty selfish really as it really impacts on daily life.

Get rid of some of it.

…also curious as to the ‘actual’ state of the place. I’ve had the hoarder accusations, and looking at the photos- no area of my house is ever worse than a2, usually a 1 or 1-point-something.

I'd sort out stuff you know you aren't going to use for a while (but want to keep) and pop it in longer term storage such as the attic if you have one- just make sure its sealed properly and labelled! Then have a really good think about storage, is stuff actually put away or is it left out on tables, on the floor or in the way of other stuff? There is probably a more realistic middle ground, of course you should be able to have some of your stuff around but if it is causing issues you both need to compromise.

Art stuff can be big-where exactly and how are the canvases and paints organised? Ours are in the garage. If your are in the lounge, I can understand why that might feel cluttered.

It can be helpful to acknowledge that for you, this clutter represents your old life and it's hard to throw it away.

So what to do about it...

In the words of A Slob Comes Clean, containers are called that because they contain something - the size of the container determines what you can keep.

Decide on a suitable amount of storage space (eg three drawers/one cupboard/whatever you agree on) and aim to keep what fits in there.

Firstly, throw out/donate/recycle what's clearly rubbish or broken or you won't use again in the foreseeable future.

Something that helps me when throwing out things that cost money is to think about how much you would pay to not have to worry about the clutter, and usually it means I just get rid of it.

Now you're left with what you want to keep, anything that won't fit in your storage container space, put in the loft/under the bed for 6 months and see if you can come to terms with getting rid.

You will need to eventually get rid of your stuff fo
Make space for the billions of TOYS and other child crap

That’s reasonable. Then again, hard to tell whether your hobby stuff does dominate the house or is just ‘not minimalist’. A friend of mine’s ex was a quilter, and, though I am far from a tidy person, I was taken aback by their house, which had big bags and stacks of fabric everywhere, a living room dominated by a sewing machine table covered in patches and patterns, and complete and half-finished quilts hanging from chairs, bannister and doors.

I think there is an issue with what different people see as no space to put things. My child and I were living with a family member for a few months and I didn't feel I could use a surface that to me was already 'full' with an ornament arrangement as to add my things would look cluttered. We had one large and one small drawer each which to me were full, but not to the brim, full as in the limit of being able to see and access clothing, easily lift a pile of t-shirts to look for one underneath. My family member would have moved things to make more space but hadn't realised we needed it (this is not a complaint!).

If your stuff is stored out of sight in cabinets, then what is he objecting to?
Wanting to get rid of books because they are ‘clutter’ is heretical in my opinion.

Does he want nice empty, minimalist cabinets and empty bookshelves?

You could be stifling your creativity by 'restricting' yourself to the current items whenever you do get back into it. At that future point, do you really want to be bound by what inspired you years ago? Also, paints dry out if sat around for long periods.

I'd offer the art stuff to a school art department. They will bite your hand off IME. You will have done a good thing. When it's right to get back into it, you'll want the chance to browse and be newly inspired.

Textiles & embroidery: depends how much, but possibly a lot easier to store.

I'm guessing he wants space allocated for his things.

Kind of like this cat meme but with things. Someone minimalist leaning can see a space as full, while someone with hoarding tendencies sees any empty space as space to fill. I think the only easy solution is to divide the storage space.

It's not all or nothing. If you look into minimalist principals (minimal mom on YouTube is excellent) you will see it's about keeping what is practical, beautiful or sentimental.

That is usually around 10% of what people own.

I am a minimalist and live with three kids with SEN and an untidy dh in a two up two down terrace.

The time I don't spend on 'stuff management' is spent on sewing and crochet. It's a good life.

This is like our house. Except everything is full of DH’s shit. And it completely does my head in.

A bookshelf full of fucking electronics books that he never reads. Cupboards full of shit cables. He also has a room full of shit and a garage full of motorbikes. I’m sick of trying to get rid of it.

But l will😈

Ooh probably between 2-3.

Morning 😊

A 2-3 is quite messy and frankly I couldn't live with it like that so understand your OHs frustrations.

Think honestly about why you have accumulated so much stuff you haven't used. Is it because you have aspirations to do something but just haven't had the courage to start? Is it time? That's ok with one hobby, but several all at once is a bit more of a space challenge and can easily get out of hand. And the fact that all that stuff sits there starting at you every day, taunting you that you haven't started yet will make it worse. And if it's disorganised you'll keep buying more because you can't see what you already have.

My advice :
Get a notebook /bullet journal and write down the projects you'd like to do. Setting down on paper helps you to be specific.

Pull out ALL of the craft stuff. Sort it into piles of paints, canvasses, pens, etc etc. You'll be able to see just how much you have.

Then go through each item in turn. Keep only what you need for your planned projects. Donate /recycle the rest. Schools and voluntary organisations would love to have craft stuff.

Organise the rest. And put it away, preferably not in your lounge. Maybe a little wheeled trolley with brushes and paints in pots (reused jam jars)?

Once things are a bit more organised it may inspire you to start making/drawing/painting as it's less daunting and you have a project list to get you started. Instead of watching the telly say on a Tuesday evening, get the crafty stuff out and set aside 2 hours to get started. Do that every week for a month. See how you get on.

Hope this helps.

I could not live in anything other than 1. Honestly couldn't. My dh hangs on to more than me and it stresses me out. Why hang on to stuff "just in case".

I heard someone talking about de-cluttering and how most of us don't use everything we take on holiday so how much do we really need?

My sister uses a spare bedroom for artwork: canvases, easels, paints, etc. If you have the luxury of a spare bedroom you could maybe put your bookcases in there, too. I think it’s all about compromise - not necessarily moving things out of the house completely!

I agree.

Which books are you REALLY going to read again?
And, if so, could you not get it from the library or via Internet Archive or similar?
Donate the rest.

Your paints and mediums...... won't they have dried out by the time you might use them again?
Can you cull them and just keep a box of stuff you might actually use?

Possessions can become oppressive.
As your child gets older, they'll acquire more and more stuff, so you'll have to keep on top of that too.
Life is generally easier with less things that get in the way.