Husband not pulling his weight

[objectivebread]

Ladies, how do I get my husband to understand and do some very basic things?

• He doesn't go into a room and think oh okay we need more of that, for example when we run out of detergent, he asks me where it is instead of buying more. He waits for me to tell him what to do like I'm the project manager of the household.

• Our wetroom gets mould in the grout if the floor is not dried after use. I have repeated myself at least 5 times in the past two weeks alone for him to dry the floor after using the shower, does he do it? No. Does he complain endlessly that the floor is wet in the downstairs bathroom. Yes.

-If laundry is not spun and moved to the drying rack or tumble dryer, you get mildew or the clothes will smell really bad. You can't leave them in the drum wet for days at a time waiting for your wife to finish the laundry.

He does not put his clothes away. I've sat him down more times than I can count now telling him I'm not his mother, hang your shirts, put your underwear away, this is ridiculous. His response was always defensive but now it's just 'that's not how my brain works.' He leaves it in the wash basket, last time for over a month.

Other info: We are married, have lived together for 4 years, been together for 12. He is 28, I am 27. We have a fortnightly cleaner for 3 hours, for our 3 bed home. She makes a word of difference. The problem isn't the house is unclean, it's his mindset and unwillingness to see the problem. He is intelligent, an IT engineer, very well spoken, his upbringing wasn't great and he never did any chores or his own washing... I have seen his parent's house and I don't think they clean it more than once a year.

We have lived together for 4 years, I have SO many times explained this problem to him, asked him do you see me as the keeper of the chores or something? He says no but also says he just doesn't think that way. I have politely mentioned he bloody needs to, like now. He responds "Yes, I know, I'll do it." But he doesn't. I don't know if he's waiting subconsciously for me to pick up these chores.

I work full time, he works full time, so I have as much time as him, and do my half of the house work, often jobs go undone simply because I put my foot down and refuse to be a housewife. That is NOT what I am, I am the breadwinner, work just as many hours as he does, I am pregnant, tired, fighting Hyperemesis, trying to keep this house clean as possible and trying my best here. Any advice?

I think that I can guess the advice you’re about to get.

You should have to but write him a daily bloody tick list.

Warn him you could end up divorced if he doesn't grow up and be an adult.

I am currently eating, as baby DD is finally asleep. DP has done the cooking, like always...

You need help, during pregnancy and afterwards!

I would have another conversation and make a chores list. Take a look at Team TOMM/The Organised Mum Method for inspiration. Divide the chores. Make sure to rotate the chores so he can handle everything, as the first weeks after birth it is necessary that he can at least use a tumble dryer, cook a quick meal etc.

Sounds like he is a scruffy bugger.

Look up 'strategic incompetence' OP, it is a well-known phenomenon.

I feel like I could have written this myself. Absolutely fuming at the man child most of the time at home and doesn't feel like a partnership. Not sure what we can do?
He said today for me to write him a list but even that I don't feel I should be doing for him!!

Ladies, how do I get my husband to understand and do some very basic things?

Oh my. Here we go again.

Your husband understands perfectly, he just doesn't give a fuck. He's clearly not stupid, so why on earth would you think he doesn't understand? You're making excuses for him.

He sees housekeeping as your job and he isn't bothered because you always cave in and end up doing it.

I'm sorry to say that you chose poorly, and it's unfortunate that you chose to have children with him. He will not be changing. You can either accept it, do everything, or leave him.

Hoooo boy. He's got a lot to learn, and learn fast, with a baby on the way. Do you think there's any hope for him, OP?

Do these men not realise just how sexually unappealing they become when they pull this crap? The resentment just builds, and one day we realise we have no respect for them, and actually can't stand the sight of them.

For me, the answer was to leave although we never had kids - I realise that simply leaving is a lot easier said than done when no little ones are involved (and there were other issues, but when I look back at this aspect of things I truly do shudder, it just never got any better).

You're going to be run ragged and exhausted if he doesn't buck up and sustain a proper effort once the baby arrives. He needs to get practicing now and prove to you that you're not effectively going to be a parent to 2 kids, once the actual kid arrives. If he can't do that before the baby arrives, then do you have family nearby to help/ stay with, with the little one, if you need a breather?

I'd definitely be prepared to have some quite hard-hitting conversations with him. If he thinks this is just going to 'go away' and stop being an issue once you are no longer a 2, but a 3, then he's in la la land.

Good luck OP x

Its called "housework is women's work" and he thinks its beneath him so he deliberately acts stupid. The only cure is to get rid of the fucker if you don't want to be a scullery maid you're whole life.
I've lost three husbands that way - I won't live with someone who mistakes me for a cleaner.

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Uh oh. You're pregnant? This is going to get considerably worse, very quickly.

I'd advise withdrawing your services and making sure he's getting all the consequences.

Just do your laundry properly - leave his to fester.

Answer all his questions with a non commital shrug / I don't know / what do you think.

Make him clean the mildew grouting next time.

He just doesn't care enough and would live in a pig sty without you or A N Other female to do the drudge work. What are his parents like? How did he live before you met?

I lived with someone (luckily a housemate, not a partner!) who did not see mess, chaos, and even dirt the same way the rest of us did. We could say "Ben, it's your turn to vacuum, can you do it now?" and he would. Could he tell the house needed vacuuming? No. Could he remember it was his turn to vacuum and do it later without being reminded? No, but he could (and eventually did) write himself a big reminder note and stick it where he couldn't miss it.

I don't believe this is the situation with your husband, as he DOES seem to notice when something's wrong (knows there's no detergent, knows the wetroom floor is damaged). BUT if it is, he needs to figure out how to remind himself to do what needs to be done. If he can't do this, then I'm sorry but he's taking the piss.

In his place, I'd:

(1) Learn where things go in the house. If the detergent is finished, where does the back-up stay? If someone finishes the detergent and starts the back-up, that person immediately puts it on the shopping list (or buys the replacement - we do "put it on the list" because even the 7yo can do that!) If he needs to make a list to know where items are in the house, including their backups, then he makes a list (don't do it for him).

(2) Make a sign that says whatever he needs to read to remind him to dry the floor before he leaves the wet room, and put it up where he will see it before he leaves the wet room (don't do this for him).

(3) Is he claiming he's habitually doing a load of wash and forgetting to switch it to the dryer? He can learn how long the wash cycle takes and set a timer, same for the dryer. Obviously if he leaves it too long he'll have to run the wash again.

(4) If he's done the laundry, he should put it away as soon as it's finished and then put the empty wash basket back in its place. If you've done it, put his clean laundry somewhere where he'll have to put it away, like on his desk or his side of the bed. And do that whenever you need to use the wash basket and find his things still in it.

I will bet you he doesn't improve much, though, because if he wanted to he would have already. He knows this is negatively impacting you and he doesn't care. He'll count on the fact that you instinctively don't want to keep nagging him like he's an overgrown toddler and it'll be easier for you just to do everthing yourself. In the long run, it isn't.

Counselling? As he doesn't seem to care how upset you are.

Thanks all, I had a mental breakdown, family issues on top of my home life have come to a head and he seems to be in shock

He has picked up the chores, things aren't 100% equal but better than they were

Leaving clean laundry in the basket?

Upend the basket all over the wet room floor

That way he might reconsider putting away washing and drying the floor

He's going to need to step up when you have a baby (I have a 3 month old, it's very fresh). Sounds like you need to blow up at him or give an ultimatum.

Hope you are ok, OP. Glad he's doing a bit more. Don't let him slide backwards when you are well again. Really hope you're ok.💐

I think some people (men) just don't do well with noticing stuff and then doing it - it's better for them to own a whole set of tasks.

E.g. you could suggest he does 100% of the cooking, cleaning up from cooking, and food shopping and then just don't get involved. Or 100% of the laundry. But key is that you then do not touch it. Ever.

OP, your time is running out fast, because of your pregnancy, so drastic measures are needed.

1. Stop doing his laundry. Period. Buy your own detergent etc and keep it for yourself. (He's only ever going to take charge of the whole laundry process when he's forced to, so force him to !
2. Refuse to do any of 'his' chores (and make sure everything is 50/50), and send him back to redo anything he hasn't done to an acceptable standard !)
3. Do not shop/cook/clean for him either. HE should be shouldering the bulk of domestic jobs right now because you're 1. Pregnant 2. Unwell with it.

Tell him clearly ''We are about to be parents, and it's high time you stepped up and behaved like an adult instead of a child. Your boss wouldn't put up with a 'half arsed' or 'ignored' job, so why the hell would I ?? You are supposed to be an intelligent man, so why are you choosing to not 'recognize' and 'complete' household tasks ? It's NOT acceptable, and it stops NOW ! (Or don't let the door hit your arse on your way out ! Because I'm NOT about to play at being your damn Mummy anymore !)

If he says 'I don't know how to....', tell him to bloody well Google it ! (Or you can show him once and he can take bloody notes, like he'd do at work if he didn't know something !!)

@Tomorrowisalatterday He cannot cook well, and I don't like his cooking, there is no seasoning, veg or anything, so I would honestly do what I do now which is cook my own food and he cooks what he wants. He has an eating disorder so its quite complicated and I won't get into it but his diet is extremely restrictive.

@Apileofballyhoo Thanks, I am ok, in therapy and on meds.

@Geppili His dad never cleans, just sits in his chair and watches sports all day, his mum works full time and 'cleans' but the house is disgusting. I can't go round there, it makes me feel sick. My husband was brought up never doing chores, never did his own washing etc but his sisters were expected to do chores. Really sexist. I have told him this is the cause and he just says yeah I don't know how to change my brain.

@FusionChefGeoff I like this approach, I have done this before. He just had no clothes and did it all in one go, and the rest of the house was chaotic, PROOVING that he can do the washing he chooses not to. Again, I refuted this and he just shuts me down. I had to get food as no food shop was done, we ended up getting bad chest infections from the dust build up (we have reptiles so I have to clean around their cages daily) and it can harm them if the house got too bad so I stepped in.

@Aquamarine1029 I know it will come to that decision.

My whole family, male and female, are like this, with the exception of one who imposes rigid order on his stuff mostly by having very little stuff.

Given the IT and the restrictive eating disorder and the suggestion that his parents are both like this, I'd suspect you are looking at a combination of neurodiversity and upbringing/habit, rather than 'understands perfectly, he just doesn't give a fuck'.

For me, one thing that helps a bit is thinking 'What else is needed to finish this?', and that even applies to showers and feeding the cat.

He is likely to find it difficult, but he needs to take charge of making himself more competent. In fact, he needs to be able to be competent enough for three. Good luck...

And by 'thinking' I mean saying out loud, 'Finish the job - put the catfood/towel/biro away again.' Otherwise I'll be looking for the pens in the cat basket or the invoices in the dogfood drawer later.

@PauliString Thank you, that sums him up, he is not malicious, in fact he is a wonderfully morally supportive and loving human, this is not malice it is poor upbringing. I had told him for years he needs therapy, not even just for un-picking and helping the ED but helping him understand his own mind.