Please help me sort out my house

[dingdongss]

It is in terrible terrible condition right now and I can't bear it anymore. I have 2 young children and I feel such crippling guilt that they don't have a nice cosy home to call their own and it's literally making me suicidal.
Backstory - I'm struggling a lot with my mental health and have done my whole life but particularly the last year or so. I've been diagnosed with bipolar disorder & PTSD but it's at least a month until I can speak to a psychiatrist and discuss medication. My house is such a mess I don't even know where to start, I've not let anybody come in for over a year and it's got to the point where I wake up everyday and cry. The children's room is clean and tidy but everywhere else is filthy. I have mountains and mountains of clothes all the way back to new born that Ive never sorted. I need to figure out a way to tackle it so as I can get better and give my children a nicer life, I'm honestly scared what I'll do if I can't tackle this. Please go easy on me as I know this is not acceptable but I'm just so depressed I can barely pull myself out of bed some days. Does anyone have any tips on where to start or how to make it more manageable?

It's okay, don't panic.
Simple steps, one bundle at a time. You need to be ruthless as well. You can tackle this.
Also speak to your health visitor, it might be that there is help you can get with this.

I'm sure other people will be along with more practical advice, posting here is a great step.

I'm sorry OP, it's awful to feel so overwhelmed. I can't comment on the mental health piece so this may not help, but I know that when I feel overwhelmed the thing that helps me most is putting together a plan - break everything down into manageable chunks rather than looking at the big picture. It could be that you take a room at a time, and then a pile at a time and give yourself a realistic target to deal with that pile. Then you'll deal with the next pile etc

Be kind to yourself, you'll have ups and downs but keep moving forward, even if it is an inch at a time

Set a timer on your phone for10 minutes and take a bin bag or a box or something around your house and just pick up anything you don’t want to keep. Then sort it out as to what can be binned/recycled/donated. I bet you’ll find you achieve more than you thought you could and then tomorrow you an do another 10 minutes. Once you gave momentum and realise you can achieve something by taking little steps you can do a whole drawer or the countertop or whatever. Good luck!

You've got some good advice, I would add to look at your way of eating, seriously if you eat badly (and smoke or drink of course) it doesn't help your MH. Try to cut down on caffiene and cut out sugary fizzy drinks , also look at your wheat intake. There are other pastas made of rice etc. and bread from spelt or rye. Buy fresh fruit for the kids and your self for snacks too. Do it bit by bit you may be surprised at the result!

Deciding what to get rid off can be overwhelming. Can you tackle it from the other end: decide what you want to keep?

Start with children's clothes and toys. Get rid of what isn't essential. Then do the same with your clothes and beauty products, then general household items.

Don't worry about how you get rid of stuff. I'm all for donating and recycling, but if you are in a crisis, do whatever is easiest.

Once you've pared your belongings down to essentials, cleaning will be so much easier and rewarding. And use cleaning products that smell of lemon

Aww bless you if you lived near me I'd come help you sort it at the drop of a hat.

I'm so sorry you feel like this.

Kids rooms are clean and tidy that's a start as some peoples kids rooms really aren't!

Have you got a friend who can come help power through

Oh OP, I really feel for you. Firstly, please can I just say that you should absolutely not feel guilty about this at all. Housework is morally neutral. Doing it, or not, does not make you a good or a bad person.

If you use tiktok at all, have a look for domesticblisters (Struggle Care lady). She has a lot of helpful videos about dealing with home care tasks when you're overwhelmed, and how to blitz through stuff so you have a working environment, but still have time for rest and self care.

Also, doing everything the "right" way, is absolute bollocks. Get through tasks in whatever way works for you. I say this as someone who had recently put wheely boxes in DD2s wardrobe. Instead of having to fold her laundry, we can hang things that crease, and just chuck everything else into the appropriate box. I'm sure my mother would be horrified! but it works for us. Her room is the tidiest it's ever been, and she's proud of it.

Well as others have said Rome wasn't built in a day - so I would shove all those childrens' clothes you haven't sorted into bin bags and put them somewhere out of the way - so they can be sorted when you have time to go through a bit at a time. I did similar when our sock situation got out of hand - just shoved them all in a bag and then when I am watching tv do a few pairs which can go where they belong & have a bag for binning the ones which have just been hanging around for ages

I agree with the concept of look at what you want to keep and put that to one side - everything else can go.

Please don't feel dreadful. Just don't think you will go from where you are now to Homes and Gardens in one fell swoop. Just pick a category ( e.g. children' clothes or toys or the under the stairs cupboard or letters / circulars / post etc ) or looking at the kitchen work surfaces or where do you sit with the children - so e.g. look at sitting room and take a bin bag round , & then you could just hoover the sitting room and wipe down surfaces and so somewhere nice to sit. and just do one thing at a time. A little bit every day will make a real difference over time.

It can be very uplifting to just get stuff out of the house and the less you have the easier to keep on top of things )

I wish you well @dingdongss I really do.

Yes and another way to look at it is to try to stop buying (or acquiring) stuff . So then there's less to chuck away!!

I find that getting off my laptop (or whatever) Gives me more time too. (oh and it really brings down my weight and improves my MH.)

Thank you everyone so much for all the great advice. I made a really good start by making a list and then sorting through it in sections. I feel so much better for having taken the first step and it all seems so much more manageable now.
I'm honestly too embarrassed to let anyone see how bad it's become in real life but the non judgy replies have made me feel a lot less guilty and I'm thinking of sorting the worst of it then asking my mum to help me finish off.
Can't thank you all enough

Glad to read. Sometimes things get on top of everyone, and you get caught in a circle. Of despair because you feel it’s got out of hand but not being able to improve things.
You can and will get it sorted, well done

Clothes are hard because you think about how useful they could be or how much money you could make selling them! However outside my local fire station is a clothes bank and they sell the clothes to raise money for themselves - that salves the conscience nicely and it's easy and inconspicuous to stick a black bag full in the boot every time I'm going to be driving past and taking 10 seconds to hop out and sling it in the bank.

That's my plan @Pinkflask I'm going to try and be completely ruthless and really make sure I've only got the clothes that we wear.
I've made great progress with the kitchen today, sorting though the cupboards, cleaning the oven, tackling the washing up etc. I think I just needed someone to tell me it wasn't impossible and I could do it. Can't tell you the amount of difference it made and my sons face lit up when he came home to a much cleaner house and happier mummy!

Wow sounds like you are doing an amazing job.

My mantra is "done is better than perfect". Also I've been on the minimalism game thread where you aim to declutter a certain number of items each day. A few of us have found it really helpful that you don't have to commit to finishing a whole drawer or area at once. You can just go and pull stuff out. It all helps, and when you go back to it later, it's a lot less intimidating.

I absolutely agree with PPs, don't worry about charity shops etc unless it's really easy. If you drive, just book a tip run. Tips are pretty good these days at salvaging what can be salvaged, and burning the remainder for energy recovery. A cut from the fabric and book bins goes to charity. Don't get bogged down in selling stuff unless you really need to. I have found freebay useful too.

I think I’d start with all the baby/younger age clothes - gather them all up into black bags and bring to charity shop. No sorting or decisions required on those.

When overwhelmed lists are brilliant, things don't seem as daunting when you have a plan of attack. It sounds like you're well on your way to getting sorted.

@Dingdonggs Fantastic - let not the good stand in way of the perfect ( or whatever the saying is )

Bin bags are your friend. Aim to fill at least one per day. Forget the selling and donating boxes. You just need to clear the space . Be ruthless . The old clothes are an easy fill. Keep a chart in the wall of how many you are filling and reward yourself for milestones achieved . An easy start might be the bathroom. Clear those surfaces ! Good luck x

Great start on the kitchen, @dingdongss

Cleaning kitchen and bathroom is hard work but requires less decision making or emotional energy than sorting through and organising your wardrobe. And, as you've found, just seeing the kitchen all clean and smelling lovely makes the whole house more welcoming and spurs you on to tackle the rest!

Oops I think I meant let not the perfect stand in the way of the good - whatever - Sounds brilliant @dingdongss

I am going though paperwork. I have stared at it for months - now am going through it. & even sorting it into categories .

I am a fan of bin bags & recycling bins.

Well done for starting. Ding Good luck I've just recycled a bag of clothes I've had in the bottom of my wardrobe for 3 or 4 years! I've added to it but I've finally done it! DH hasn't cleared the dining table (it doubles as his desk) for 3 years now !!!!! I have nagged given him boxes etc etc. It has to come from him and he has finally started

@dingdongss

That's my plan *@Pinkflask* I'm going to try and be completely ruthless and really make sure I've only got the clothes that we wear. I've made great progress with the kitchen today, sorting though the cupboards, cleaning the oven, tackling the washing up etc. I think I just needed someone to tell me it wasn't impossible and I could do it. Can't tell you the amount of difference it made and my sons face lit up when he came home to a much cleaner house and happier mummy!

That's brilliant, well done. I should confess my oven is very dirty!

I also have PTSD; if you had a tough childhood, then it might be helpful to know that trauma/stress during childhood affects your executive function i.e. the part of your brain that does planning and organising. So it's naturally trickier for us.

For me the big win has been learning how to maintain tidyness. My phone alarm reminds me before bed each night, I go finish any washing up and tidy stuff back to how it was when the day started. It keeps things manageable, then I can declutter or deep clean when I have extra enthusiasm. Decluttering is hard but really makes the house easier to control.

@MMMarmite - decluttering as you say is fantastic - fewer things to worry about the easier it is to clean .

I now before I go to bed wipe kitchen surfaces and clean the sink - if too much washing up for the dishwasher - stack neatly - it helps next morning.

I would still say do one thing at a time for major sorting out but the day to day things do so help

I have a little dog who steals socks - I have had to go round the whole house to find them ( in his secret places ) then will stick in the wash and put the best ones where they should go. Other ones get thrown away .

That's so interesting @MMMarmite It is down to childhood trauma and I've always been cripplingly unorganised and bad at planning but never knew there was a connection!
I didn't get too much done today but Ive bagged all the clothes (23 bin bags full😥) and I've set myself the challenge of sorting at least one bag a day so as it's cleared by Christmas. It finally feels possible and like I'm making progress!

Brilliant news, well done OP 👏👏👏