SAHM’s & Maternity leave, is housekeeping completely our responsibility?

[Sparkey47]

I just want to know if you think housekeeping is completely on the mother when she’s on maternity leave or is a SAHM, or if not what is your arrangement?

I’m currently on maternity leave and ever since then my partner has basically said I should be doing all of the housework especially when he’s at work (he works 4 nights on and 4 off with 12 hour shifts). I understand while he’s working he doesn’t really have time to be doing the housework but when he’s off for 4 days surely he should be pitching in quite a lot? I’ve stressed this to him but he disagrees with the usual “I’m tired from work” excuse, he does do the washing up and tidying a max of once a week or sometimes even a fortnight, and he’ll cook every now and again when he’s off.

I just don’t think he understands a baby is a full time job, there is no day off, so of course I’d love for him to share the housework more so I can put my feet up for a bit.

Perhaps he needs to do a 12 hour baby shift for a few days in a row to understand?

Pre 6 months I didn’t get lots done, once my first was napping solidly for 2/3 hours after lunch I got lots done, the house was immaculate.

It isn’t solely your job, a house is a shared responsibility, as is a baby!

Time to consider shared paternity?

My children are grown up so my take on this might be rather old fashioned but I would say that on work days the bulk of the hw would be on you eg washing, shopping, cooking, vacuuming etc. However on non working days chores should be shared.,

I did all the housework on maternity leave. My babies didn’t have reflux and were happy to be put down. They were quite easy so I did think I should be doing the housework. I never had those 12 hours day with babies. It’s a year of having walks, shopping, lots and lots of box sets! Sleep was bad but then they were still bad after I went back to work.

If it was so easy to get stuff done with a tiny baby employers would all be very happy for you to bring your baby to work.
If he gets 4 days off in a row he can pull his weight!!! What did he do pre mat leave? And why does he think mat leave = a holiday for him?
When I'm on mat leave DP does most of the housekeeping because I'm sat on the sofa breastfeeding for the first six months...

I keep the house ticking over in the week - have a tidy up when baby is napping etc, but then we split the big jobs between us on a weekend.

If your DP has 4 days off in a row he should be contributing a LOT.

No.

He he were a single bloke he'd have to clean up after himself, do his laundry, shop for food and cook it so he'd have to find a way to fit that in around his work. Unless he's happy to live in a mess and eat crap.

Also, a SAHM who does everything is setting a bad example to her DC.

Don't let your DH think because he is The Great Provider he gets to opt out of housework, child care and cooking.

No. Do what you can manage when it’s just you at home. When it’s both, then both should pitch in.

What you can manage will vary depending on your baby as well. I got LOADS done in the first few months of mat leave with DC2 who napped in the pram for hours, Got very little done with DC1 who was an angry unputdownable insomniac.

Still didn’t do 100% of the housework even with DC2. I’m on leave to look after the baby, not to let my husband put his feet up while I run around like a blue-arsed fly.

In the hours that I am at home and he is working, I do all the childcare and as much of the day to day housework as I can around caring for the children.
In the hours that we are both at home, everything is split.

Definitely not all my responsibility and my husband is totally supportive of that. He doesn't expect anything to be done but I like to try and keep some order for my own sanity. I manage the dishes and hoover every day but the hob can wait as can the mopping!

DH managed to take four weeks off and has had sole care of five week old DD a few times while I've gone out for two or three hours. As a result he ge totally "gets" that you get fuck all done when you're looking after her. He's crap at taking the initiative with housework but he would never, ever say to me that it's my job as I'm off. I think letting him have the baby for a few hours on his own is the only way your DP will comprehend how hard it is.

Having said that I had (refluxy) DD in the sling on Saturday and was mopping the floor whilst DH sat on the sofa on his phone and I did have a few choice words for him!

If you let this continue you'll find that even when you go back to work housework will still be considered your responsibility, so try to shut this down now.

Who looks after the baby on his days off? What does he do on this days off? If he is spending those 4 days looking after the baby (practical care, not just Disney dad stuff) or some massive project for you all like renovations, then you doing all the housework might be an ok deal. But if he spends it all on the Xbox while expecting you to juggle the baby and cooking dinner, that's just rude and disrespectful. This is about respect, not actually who cleans the floor.

Also, people express love in different ways so perhaps I shouldn't rush to judgement, but my DH shows his love for me by doing things so that I don't have to. Sharing the work is a way of showing that you care about the other person IMO.

Dh is away max 7 days at a time, and can be home max 5 days (although usually it's a couple or so). After he's caught up on the jet lag, we then work in tandem for the chores. Otherwise, it'd just be like I was his maid, cleaning his clothes for him, cooking for him etc.

I'm on mat leave with DD1 who is 9m. She contact naps and is very much on the move (towards any form of danger she can spot, never mind toys - she can spot a phone charger a mile off!) so I don't have any baby-free time to do chores. I do as much as I can manage during the day, mostly whilst she is in the high chair at breakfast or lunch so tends to be kitchen related tasks like washing up and laundry. But I can't manage it all AND parent/play/stimulate/comfort her. I'm on mat leave to raise my daughter, not just to clean the house.

So does he work permanent Nights? Four on then four days off? If so, I imagine his first day off is a bit of a write off as he'll be sleeping for a fair bit of it. But for the other three days you need to share out the jobs. Just tell him what needs doing. You both need time to put your feet up.

I’m on mat leave, DH is doing all the cooking and we have a weekly cleaner. I am doing most of the laundry and looking after our many pets. I also do the online food shop but anything else is a bonus as DH recognises my primary job is to look after baby (7 weeks old).

Nope we shared it all still. I tried to do what I could during the day but we are out most days and then doing other stuff when we are home so I definitely prioritise that over housework!

No chance.

Your job now is to be looking after the baby, bonding with the baby and encourage their development. This means that sometimes you will be able to do housework, but other times you wont be able to do any housework. You are not his cook and cleaner.

I would have some tasks that I would do daily to keep things ticking over, but my dh would help with a bigger clean etc at the weekend.

If you are planning to return to work full time then he absolutely must be doing 50 percent throughout mat leave otherwise he won’t be able to do anything useful when you do go back. Remind him that your employer is paying you to stay home with your baby not skivvy around him and if he won’t step up during mat leave you can always cut it short and force him to step up.

If the SAHM has a baby or pre schoolers no the house work needs to be shared-
Kids in school then yes 80/90% is that of the SAHP

People who say oh I just had a year of watching box sets really really annoy me !! Looking after a baby is bloody hard work

I’d be worried if anyone did genuinely have a year of watching box sets! My 9 month old naps a maximum of 2.5 hours a day now (which I believe is fairly normal and is true of all three of my children) so what is the baby doing for the other 9-10 hours a day while the parent is watching box sets?!

If you are planning to return to work full time then he absolutely must be doing 50 percent throughout mat leave otherwise he won’t be able to do anything useful when you do go back

Have to say I disagree with this. He needs to stay on the learning curve with looking after the baby, but it's unrealistic and unnecessary to insist on 50/50 when one person is out all day. Apart from anything else, I found my standards went up when I was home all day. The kitchen floor has never been so clean since I went back to work.

But the staying on the learning curve is important and he needs to put the hours in to achieve that.

@SoyDora exactly . My8 month old is the same naps for around 1 hour morning and 2 afternoon ( on a good day ) otherwise a 3 cat naps . But there's no way I can just watch box sets while he is awake I just feel that people who say things like that make it sound easy and underestimate the hard work that goes into it. Milk feeds, feeding baby breakfast lunch and dinner ( and cleaning up all the mess ), many poo nappies , supervising at all times to make sure not hurting themselves when crawling around , picking baby up , trying to cook a meal , etc all things take ur full effort and concentration even getting baby off for a nap can be soul destroying at times when they want to fight a nap. Makes it look like women on mat leave have it easy when people say oh just carry on walk around with them in a sling go about your daily business like they aren't there . ( my baby already eats 23 pound so sling is too uncomfortable on back)

Already weighs 23 pound rather not eats