Drowning in stuff and want out

[BoneAppleTeaa]

Essentially, our house is a cluttered mess. We have a lovely detached 3 bed new build and whilst it’s not the biggest house in the world it is certainly adequate for a family of 3 (two adults, 1 primary aged child). We are very fortunate.

The problem is the clutter. My DH is a collector of things - books, board games etc, to the point where bookcases are double stacked with books, and most of the front room storage is given over to accommodating gaming things. It’s also in the spare room / study/ junk room, and dining room.

My child’s toys are all over the house, I mean literally DC plays with them just about everywhere. DC’s room is overflowing, the toys take up much of the front room. They make their way into our bedroom and the study, the family bathroom and dining room.

There is nowhere to tidy things away to, because there is just too much stuff. It’s utterly overwhelming and affecting my mental health in such a way where I feel as though I can’t live like this any more and am considering leaving the family home.

This feels like a ridiculous way to feel. I love my husband and the family we have. But I feel as though I’m suffocating.

I talk to my husband about how I feel, he makes all the right noises but nothing changes. He loves his stuff, so does my DC, and whilst they want a nice tidy home, they do not want to part with anything to have it.

I appreciate that I’m not blameless in this situation and have certainly contributed to the stuff we have, but I feel I can be quite practical about things whereas my husband and DC have quite an emotional attachment to things.

To compensate I feel as though I am constantly whittling down my own possessions so that I feel as though I’m doing something. But there’s little left for me to declutter now and it’s barely made a difference!

I’m not sure why I’m posting or if this is even the right place to post, but has anyone been in the same place and won it back?

I’m not allowed to remove things from the house that are not mine, even boxes etc that things come in (the actual box, not the parcel).

I have (and have read!) the Marie Kondo books and the new TOTM book, which are great and all but If you’re not allowed to touch things that don’t belong to you, I’m not sure what to do.

You aren't allowed to move the boxes??

I open my husband's parcels and put the box in recycling before he gets home!

Why won't your husband let you remove the boxes?

Would you be able to box up half his things and rent a storage unit and then after a year send to charity?

Pick one room - say the main lounge - and clear it. If there are children's toys move them to the children's bedroom, move your husband's stuff to another room. Have one room where you feel comfortable and relaxed.

If you are home with the children, have a 'top of the hour tidy' where they put away toys that are not being played with - if you can do this a few times during the day it doesn't get so bad. Who is buying all the toys?

Feel free to join us on the Flylady thread if you wish OP. It won't get fixed overnight but you can start moving in the right direction. Kondo does say you can't throw things away that are not yours, have you done this in the past at all - seems odd that you can't remove even packaging from the house? What has happened to cause that?

actiongirl1978 I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear, I can get rid of the mailing boxes but not the actual packaging the items come in. Think you get a figurine, it comes in its packaging, I’m not able to get rid of that.

I like the idea of packing things up, but I think it would not be supported, as you know, he might want/need those things

I understand where you're coming from with this. I live in a 3bed flat just me and DD and her stuff is everywhere. I have a rule that no toys are allowed in my bedroom- this is my sanctuary.
Whilst you may not be able to move your husband's boxes you are not subject to your child's authority and can remove if you think it's appropriate.
We have turned a bit of a corner recently now that DD is nearly ten she has agreed to a lot of stuff going and we found a good toy project charity so the stuff is not being wasted into landfill.

Oh dear, it sounds like you are negotiating a well worn path with him and he won't change.

Have you tried doing anything radical at all? You say you are in a new house - did you get rid of much before you moved in?

The toys one is much easier. You spend a morning while DC is elsewhere and you chuck half of what's there - keep the very expensive, much loved, or very well played with a siphon off everything else into boxes and HIDE them.

After a month and DC hasn't noticed, donate them.

Your child’s stuff will naturally come to an end. My 7 year old still plays with toys but only a select few and my 11 year old pretty much only plays with his football.

Your husband needs to accept he can’t keep everything and start decluttering. One room at a time. Or start by getting rid of all the packaging at least. Stop buying toys and stuff that will fill your house and you really need to get him to agree to shifting some of his clutter.

I think at the least your Dh needs to agree a few ground rules. You
Mention a junk room (a luxury) make that his for all his stuff but his stuff must not overspill elsewhere. Kids toys in bedroom and a selection in living space. If you can get your lounge and kitchen sorted you will feel a lot less overwhelmed.
My dh and I'm now finding. My kids are similar, right down to the packaging but I challenge regularly and cull otherwise we would drown. (Were in a big 6 bed house but its not the size of the house that's relevant, if you keep filling it, it will end up full!)

Also you could have a look around and estimate how much 'value' is in the room - see if you can encourage him to eBay some stuff?

With the books, perhaps suggest making it look nice, alpha the shelves or colour match the books as a way of encouraging DC to have an interest in books - make it about DC rather than the volume of what's there.

You need and are entitled to a room in your home that you feel comfortable in. That's the compromise your family need to make for you.

OP I really empathise with you as my DH can be a like this with his 'organised chaos'. I like my home to be clean and tidy and can't relax in a mess so the outcome is I never relax. I tried so many things. I hired a storage locker. It didn't get used. We had a big clear out and for every thing he got rid of 3 more things appeared. I too have whittled my own stuff down to nothing.

It came to a head when I had an absolute meltdown. He had no clue how tightly wound up he was making me with his piles of crap. I couldn't clean because it took so long to move everything, clean under and then put it back. We're finally getting somewhere and he's being more organised but he still needs constantly reminding to get the place cleared. He now understands how much it's effecting me mentally.

You need to tell him you're at your wits end and you can't live like this. You are wanting to move out for goodness sake. If he doesn't change or compromise then you have a big decision to make. Your sanity or his clutter.

Tell him you're going to start looking for another house to live in unless he has a big clear out. He can make all the noises he wants then but only you can change things.

You don't have to split up, just don't live together.

We have a one in one out rule. It's the only way to keep on top of stuff.

Leave him.
If you whittle your stuff, he will fill the space with his stuff.

You mentioned suffocation and there's actually a book called Stuffocation about this. It mrntions the effect it has on your mental health and how it stresses women out. Would you dh read that. You probably already know it! Good tips about 're one room for your dh's collections, rotating kids toys

I agree that you need to make at least one room clutter-free non negotiable, using an ultimatum if necessary. His ‘wants’ do not trump your mental health.
Put some rules in place for your child. No toys in the hall, kitchen or bathroom. Ruthlessly declutter your child’s room whilst they are out, keeping only loved and used toys.

Oh my goodness you poor lady.
Firstly as pp have suggested make one room your Sanctuary- your bedroom for example and clear out anything that doesn’t need to be there. It will give you a nice space to enjoy in your own home.
Secondly get your child on board with a charity shop run - how old is dc? Old enough to get the concept of helping out another family in need? Especially in the run up to Christmas. Tell them that there’s no way they can have anything new Unless they get rid of something old. Are you on half term? It’s a good week to begin!
And lastly - your dh. Who seems to be the real problem here. I suggest you go out for a walk/dinner/drink and talk to him calmly away from the house. Explain to him that this just cannot continue.,it’s ridiculous and it’s making you want to leave. Before you get home get a game plan in place - whether you decide to clear a few shelves, or a room and the next day or evening make it happen.
Good luck op

Take all his stuff. Put it in the spare bedroom. Tidy the living spaces and arrange how you want them. Kids toys to their rooms.

Living spaces are shared so only things that bring shared enjoyment belong in that space. The kids/DH can bring toys/whatever to the space to use but it lives in their room. Anything left in the living spaces that doesn’t belong there goes in the bin.

You have my sympathy. DH is also a collector of crap but at least he’s tidy with it.

My DH also keeps the boxes his things come in, his hobby is photography so he has lots of lenses, cameras and other stuff. The camera s and lenses are kept in their boxes and stacked in his wardrobe. Other empty boxes go in the loft. He keeps massive TVs boxes, laptop boxes, and so in. It all goes in the loft. (Deconstructed so they are flat). Is there room for a shed for him to keep all his crap in?
Your child is copying her father!

I think you need to allocate your DH a room (the front room? loft?) and your DC their room and they need to keep the majority of their excess stuff in there. Even if you buy ridiculous amounts of storage for those rooms (Ikea Kallax are good) and they are jammed to the rafters. Keep out a nice selection of board games, books etc. Close the doors and don't look in their rooms! Make the spare room nice for guests. Tell them games/books etc left out will be put in their rooms. I bet your DH and DC will actually do more with games/toys they can easily get to. The games/toys you have out in common areas can then be rotated (by DH/DC). That does put it all on you though which is really quite shit. The other option is to tell your DH you're close to leaving as you can no longer cope.

My DC is also a bit of a hoarder but he does appreciate when things are thinned out/tidied up as he can actually get to things he hasn't played with for a while.

Your stress is really coming through in your post.

Yes, as others have said, can you rearrange things to give yourself a breathing space? Maybe even switch bedrooms so yours is smaller but clear, and your child's is perhaps bigger but contains all the toy storage.

Or think laterally and encourage your DP to have a man cave/garden office thing in the garden, or a garage conversion? I understand that you have enough space indoors but the problem is you can't co-exist happily with his junk, so either the junk has to go elsewhere or you do. And it should be his junk.

With child's toys, this will improve but a dedicated tidy up time for 10 mins after tea each night would help enormously, especially combined with moving more toys to their room. Kallax boxes, limit each toy type to what will fit in one box. I bet there's a load of stuff around that they've basically outgrown, and that won't earn it's space any more with Christmas around the corner.

Sympathies OP - my husband is an "accumulator" too, and also a board game addict. He buys stuff on complete whims and then always wants every single thing he owns to be "on the surface" at all times, in perpetuity, forever, in case he needs it (and to remind him to use it). Classic example: a while ago during one random whim he bought a set of callipers. I spied him shuffling around looking suspicious so I asked him what he was doing, and he said "looking for somewhere to keep this", brandishing a tiny, cheap scrap of paper with instructions printed in sixteen languages. He tried to leave it in the middle of the mantelpiece, in front of our family portraits, so he could "find it when he needed it".

Now, I know from being a person alive in the world today that the second he wants to know anything about how to use the callipers he'll immediately Google it rather than hunting around for a scrap of paper that came with them. I also know the callipers themselves will with 90% certainty be forgotten within a fortnight.

I let him do it, and threw away the paper. (God knows what happened to the callipers.)

Just a small example, but indicative of a general, infuriating attitude of thinking he can accumulate crap on a daily basis and that ALL of it can be visible and in reach all the time, without us living in a fucking junkyard.

(I hesitate to admit it but I do get rid of his "whim" items. I took a whole bag of books about the Bronze Age down to the charity shop a couple of weeks ago. God knows what that was all about.)

Also when we were having a clearout of his flat before I moved in, he found, in a broken chest of drawer, an old mini disk player from whatever aeon they were popular, and a load of mini disks. I went to put it in the "chuck" pile, and he yelped "no, I might listen to those one day!"

Have you room for a shed in the garden? My uncle is a hoarder like your husband. Shed in garden for all his stuff.

Its hard living with a hoarder. My mum is one, and while I don't live at home, visiting it is stressful.
I think you all need your own designated rooms. You have a spare room and a dining room? Is the kitchen big enough to having a dining table in there? If so, you child has the dining room as a playroom, and all toys go in there or their bedroom. Your dh has the spare room for their excess collection that has spread to your bedroom etc. The living room is your space, so no toys and no collectables. Your bedroom, as its a joint space, can have one bookcase with some of his collectables on it.
Is this something that could work?

could you give your DH the junk room and your child thier room, Anything that doesnt fit in there needs to go.
They can use the downstairs but when they have finished with thier toys/stuff it goes back to thier room?

I would urge caution about attempting to eBay stuff, you'll never get back what you paid for it so if he is likely to claim that it's all worth £x then I'd just charity shop it!