Drowning in stuff and want out

[BoneAppleTeaa]

Essentially, our house is a cluttered mess. We have a lovely detached 3 bed new build and whilst it’s not the biggest house in the world it is certainly adequate for a family of 3 (two adults, 1 primary aged child). We are very fortunate.

The problem is the clutter. My DH is a collector of things - books, board games etc, to the point where bookcases are double stacked with books, and most of the front room storage is given over to accommodating gaming things. It’s also in the spare room / study/ junk room, and dining room.

My child’s toys are all over the house, I mean literally DC plays with them just about everywhere. DC’s room is overflowing, the toys take up much of the front room. They make their way into our bedroom and the study, the family bathroom and dining room.

There is nowhere to tidy things away to, because there is just too much stuff. It’s utterly overwhelming and affecting my mental health in such a way where I feel as though I can’t live like this any more and am considering leaving the family home.

This feels like a ridiculous way to feel. I love my husband and the family we have. But I feel as though I’m suffocating.

I talk to my husband about how I feel, he makes all the right noises but nothing changes. He loves his stuff, so does my DC, and whilst they want a nice tidy home, they do not want to part with anything to have it.

I appreciate that I’m not blameless in this situation and have certainly contributed to the stuff we have, but I feel I can be quite practical about things whereas my husband and DC have quite an emotional attachment to things.

To compensate I feel as though I am constantly whittling down my own possessions so that I feel as though I’m doing something. But there’s little left for me to declutter now and it’s barely made a difference!

I’m not sure why I’m posting or if this is even the right place to post, but has anyone been in the same place and won it back?

I’m not allowed to remove things from the house that are not mine, even boxes etc that things come in (the actual box, not the parcel).

I have (and have read!) the Marie Kondo books and the new TOTM book, which are great and all but If you’re not allowed to touch things that don’t belong to you, I’m not sure what to do.

If you are selling stuff, do your homework and put a limit on how many times you are prepared to list things.

I second the junk free room idea. I think that the communal spaces- lounge, kitchen, bathrooms should not be spaces that have junk in and work for everyone so I would put the junk inside all those cardboard boxes he insists on keeping and stack them up in then garage. Anything the creeps back in is added to the boxes. Every 6 months you then chuck the boxes and it’s their responsibility to check them. If there isn’t enough room in the house to store more stuff they should not be buying it. Same goes for children- in order to have more toys they need space so if they have no space then they don’t get toys as presents.

The amount of money being wasted on nothing of any value.
Lots of good advice given.Truly watch out that your child doesn’t follow in his steps.

I got stressed even reading about this, never mind living with it.

I think you need to tell him he needs to change, stop bringing piles of collectables into your home and vastly reduce what is already there.

The whole box thing is nonsense. My husband does exactly the same, the boxes live in the garage for months, until it becomes apparent they won't be used and can be binned. I hate it.

He needs to accept that you can't live like this. There is no point in you continually having to declutter, he will fill any gap you make. And why should you live without items you want r
To have to accommodate his incoming tidal wave of stuff? Put a timeframe on what you want to change.

Sorry to sound dramatic but if he won't change even a bit, you need to consider the future of your relationship. Can you live like this for another 30 years?

Thank you everyone for your comments, it’s good to know that what I’m asking for isn’t unreasonable.

To clarify a few points on the house, we have a good sized garage which is pretty full at the moment but we always intended to make it a good hobby space at some stage. We have lived here 2 years now.

We have a kitchen / diner, no separate dining room.

The spare room is a tiny single, currently with 2 book cases, two desks (one is mine), filing cabinet and other piles of stuff. Some of my photography equipment which I haven’t had the energy to use will go in the garage.

There are 4 bookcases in the front room and a small one in our bedroom. Don’t get me wrong, I have books as well, but it’s not many compared to his.

DC is 8 and shows no signs of slowing down on toys.

I have helped create this chaos and no idea what to do with it now. I think the first step is clearing the garage so that stuff that wants to be kept but didn’t need to be in the house can be put in an organised way.

I explained to him badly that I was going to move out if we couldn’t sort it, he asked me what in the house is bothering me? He’s fairly laid back so can’t see the clutter bit has said that if it’s upsetting me he’ll make it a problem for him too.

He says we don’t have time to sort it, and true we’d only have weekends, but surely that’s fairly normal for people?

What's stopping you all starting on the garage today? A few tip runs under your belt and charity shop visits you'll feel much better about things tonight.

It sounds as if you're living with a real hoarder? Not sure if this old thread will be of any help?
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2784350-Living-with-a-hoarder-support-thread?reverse=1

OP, This:

• The clutter needs to be cut off at source. Your husband needs to stop accumulating stuff and if he is unable to do so then you have a lifetime of this to look forward to.

Please don't put your photography equipment in the garage. It could get damp and the cold will affect your batteries. Protect your own gear and not his hoard *

OP, he has time to add to his clutter, so must have time to get rid of some stuff too.

I agree with posters above who say you need to turn off the tap and stop more stuff coming in as a first step.

Ask him to spend a total of one hour per week or so reducing his stuff and not to add to it in the meantime.

On your kids toys, there must be some books or toys that they have outgrown. Take some tips from posters above and start managing this. With Christmas coming up, they are likely to get even more. So it would be good to get a start on it now.

But don't put your stuff in the garage to accommodate his hoard.

I was obsessed with watching programmes like the hoarder next door for a while. From those, they generally identified some traumatic event which triggered the need to hoard. This may not be the case for you but is it worth considering?

My husband has clothes he hasn't worn in 30 years which he refuses to get rid of. Tatty t shirts too. A rail of polo shirts he bought and then never wore, went off them but refuses to bin them because they were expensive. I just chip away at it every few months. I can honestly say I have half, if not less of the amount of clothes that he does.

It is a work in progress.