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Housekeeping

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My back yard is not a community garden

37 replies

Foreigner01 · 27/06/2019 17:38

Hello everyone! I need some advice from more experienced parents... Not long ago we've moved into a new house. We have quite a big back yard compared to those in the neighbourhood. The people are friendly and there are lots of children. The garden looks out onto a pritave lane with lots of houses and children with whom our children have made friends. A few weeks ago we built a gate into the fence divinding the neigbhours' lane and our garden so that our children and theirs could play freely and we could walk out and talk to the parents on the other side (instead of just talking through a net-like fence). Now I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand it was great to develop friendships and get to know our neighbours, on the other hand, we can't invite just two or three children to play, because almost the whole neighbourhood comes (imagine 10 children at once). They used to play on their lane, now everybody is playing in our garden. How do I draw the line without offending anybody? How do I maintain a good relationship with the neighbours? (Frankly speaking, we've just met!) The children in the neighbourhood are lovely, truly, but there's just too many and often I'll see my elder girl left out, while they're playing with her toys. Then, there's the problem of taking responsibility of all those children's safety. It's quite impossible for my husband and me to just sit and relax with our children either. I know they're all just children, that's why I need to be delicate, but I don't want our garden to turn into a public playground. And I don't want to make our back yard the bone of contention. I'm not from UK, btw. Thank you for any ideas.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/06/2019 22:27

Can you not just put a bolt on your gate ? So mostly no-one can access your garden, and you just unbolt it if you want to go out into the lane ?

NoSquirrels · 27/06/2019 22:35

Start with your DC - they need to know they have to ask permission to have friends to play in the garden.

Then develop your What I Say Goes voice for visiting DC. It’s totally fine to say ‘Not today/Time to go home’ directly to the DC, who aren’t likely to take offence.

It’s also totally fine to tell the parents it was getting a bit much to have ALL the kids round all the time and you couldn’t supervise so you’re putting some limits on it.

And YY to a bolt!

NoSquirrels · 27/06/2019 22:36

Also, plant shrubs/bushes for privacy if everyone can see in all the time.

Foreigner01 · 28/06/2019 06:30

Thanks for your suggestions. Yes, we do have a bolt, although it's more of a 'mental barrier', because it's easy to unlock from both sides. It works, nobody comes if they aren't invited. Let me describe it this way - we can't really go out to the patio, drink coffee or, I don't know, play badminton with our own children, because there will be children on the other side, saying, will you let me in please. Now, I don't mind a child or two, but once one person comes, it's suddenly five, six (and more). So how do i delicately explain it: 'Today there's no playing in our garden', if they will ask (they will!) why my daughters are playing in that case. I could answer by saying 'because it's their garden', but it could sound a bit harsh. Or I could say: 'Today [my elder daughter] can play on your side of the street, but not here', but how do I justify that to them? (I know I don't have to justify anything, it's my back yard, but I don't want to sound rude). They'll ask, (as they have before), why not? What do I say? Also, I'd like to ask you, how many times a week do you have children coming over? And how many of them do you have? It's a new situation for me here, we didn't have children visiting on their own in the previous house, so I'm asking myself if it's me not having got used to having a dozen people out there every other day or am I justified to want to have a little peace and quite. Just to add one thing - yesterday I told my elder daughter that she can go out and invite whoever she pleases. Four children came at first and I was at home doing some housework. And then I saw this neighbour coming with his toddler (nobody invited him, it was the gate which was open and he had figured out he could come), I popped my head round the door, smiled, said hello, sorry, I can't come out right now, busy with work, and disappeared inside the house. And imagine, he sat there, on my patio for another 15minutes, the only adult in the back yard. My husband or I felt trapped inside the house. That time I didn't go out on purpose, because new, smaller children were coming in. I didn't want their parents to think there's somebody watching over them. And then it was time for us to go to a shop, so I kind of said that everybody must get out now (more politely, though). Shrubs, bushes are a must, but until that time... :) Do you think saying 'time to go home' is ok, really? not to harsh (with other parents able to hear it all the time)? Maybe telling the parents directly that all the kids all the time is too much is a good idea, I'll think about it... right now I'm giving them some hints (like I won't be there all the time, so it's their responsibility).

OP posts:
Chottie · 28/06/2019 06:39

Firstly, you need to get a new bolt/lock which can't be opened by just anyone and means your garden doesn't get full of neighbours / children.

Regarding the recent neighbour, if the back gate was locked, it would have been easy to just pop your head out and say, xxx can't come and play today, we have other plans. Friendly smile, end of conversation.

It's not being rude, it's just taking control back. All that will happen is that the children will go back to playing in the road again......

TigerBreadAddict · 28/06/2019 06:43

I wouldn’t think twice about saying to a gang of kids : ok time to go now, I want some peace in my garden. I would wave and say thanks for coming but would be quite firm and totally unabashed about it.

hugoagogo · 28/06/2019 06:50

Why are you being such a doormat? There is some bloke in your garden and you hide in the house!?Shock

MyNameIsCharlesII · 28/06/2019 06:53

Wtf? You don’t have to justify anything to neighbours children. Just say no. And get a better bolt.

GreenGrowTheRushesOhh · 28/06/2019 06:57

“We’re having a family day today. We’ll see you another time.” Smile and be friendly, just be very firm. “But why?” “Because we are”.

finn1020 · 28/06/2019 06:58

It doesn’t have to be a big deal, this used to happen in our yard a lot when the kids were little. It can get a bit annoying at times though and you learn to be firm! If you want to just spend time with your kids in your yard, when another one asks to come in to play, say nicely but firmly, “Not today, we’re having family time. You can come back on Saturday.” You don’t have to explain any further, just keep repeating the same line if they keep asking “but why?” (and kids will, they’ll probably stand outside your gate and watch for a while in case you change your mind)

Also you might want to think about setting a play time limit - say ok your kids can have friends for half an hour then everyone has to go home at 6pm.

Just repeat, repeat, repeat.

It’s kind of weird though that an adult neighbour let himself into your yard with his toddler. That’s rude.

But just be firm and polite when you don’t want kids visiting, they’ll get used to it eventually. If you don’t you’ll end up being the default babysitter who is also feeding way too many kids when your kids also want fruit/a snack etc.

bottomfellout · 28/06/2019 06:59

You are seriously overthinking this. No normal thinking person would be offended if you told they’re kids to go home by just saying ‘time to go home’ or ‘no playing in my hard today’. You don’t need to justify it, you are the adult and they are kids in your garden. You really need to start doing this now before everyone gets used to walking into your garden whenever they feel like it.

bottomfellout · 28/06/2019 07:00

*their, sorry

GreenGrowTheRushesOhh · 28/06/2019 07:02

Oh, also: little sign on the gate reading “PRIVATE”. You can’t have random people coming and sitting on your patio, seriously. I’m really friendly and easygoing (I like to think) but are you really going to let people come and go like it’s a park? Don’t say, “Sorry, I can’t come out now”, say, “What’s up?” Stand and wait for the response!

SparklesandFlowers · 28/06/2019 07:03

Don't worry about saying "Not today, we're having family time" or "DD is having her own playtime now, perhaps we'll have people over later" or calling out to the ones already there "Okay, time to go, thanks for coming but we need family time/to go out/to eat dinner". As a parent it wouldn't bother me at all.

The kids will get used to it. Just be kind but firm. If the kids say "why?" reply with "because that's how it is" and don't engage with any further questions, just smile and repeat it's time to go.

ZenNudist · 28/06/2019 07:11

So much hand wringing over something so simple. Just say no. Smile be pleasant but if children ask to come in say no we are sitting enjoying our own garden.

Neighbour sat in garden id have seen him out. sorry can i help? Is there something wrong? Fake concern but make it clear that you need him to leave.

CherryPavlova · 28/06/2019 07:18

Your mistake was in rushing to be friends with everyone before you knew who you wanted to be friends with. Much harder to claw back what you’ve given away. You’ve sold yourself as the lovely hostess whose child is incredibly hospitable but it’s too much.

You’ll have to upset a few people and set new boundaries. Tell groups of children it’s time to go home now. If asked whether they can come in to play just say “not today sweetie pie; we’re eating” or similar.

LazyDaisey · 28/06/2019 07:27

Can we please come in?

Not today, thank you. It’s a family day.

(Why?)

Ignore or answer “Because it is. Now run along, please.”

I also second having a time and a person limit. Between a - b time and only 2-3 children at a time.

(Why)

Because an adult needs to be present to supervise in the garden and I can’t watch over more than x children at once.

If they whinge, etc... my garden, my rules children.

I’d explain to your children that you are putting a limit so they can get to know the children one on one. I think soon enough your kids will form friendships with individuals and then it will be “invitation only”

As to the adult... er... can I help you?!!! He may have been a parent of one of the older kids and was just supervising (with toddler in tow) since there wasn’t anyone else in your garden to do that?

NearlySchoolTimeAgain · 28/06/2019 07:29

We had a similar issue when ours were younger. We bought a climbing frame for the street instead!

iseveryusernametakenorwhat · 28/06/2019 07:43

God I'd just have the gate removed! Put the fence back how it was!

XXVaginaAndAUterus · 28/06/2019 08:03

You need to act decisively right NOW and stop being so wet. Buy a padlock today.
Develop confident blunt no nonsense Teacher-Voice.

We can't... because there will be children on the other side, saying, will you let me in please.

"Not today children, we're having family time."

"Okay kids playtime in my garden is over, off you go back to your own homes now, DD will come out and play with you in the lane after dinner!"

"Hey kids, you're playing with DD's toys but she's being left out, that's not fair is it, budge up and play with her."

"Right you noisy rabble!! (loud smiley voice) There's too many of you in my garden and I need some peace and quiet, off you go and play in somebody else's garden for a while. See you soon, bye bye, chop chop!!"

But if you lock the gate you won't need any of the above so much as,

"No [kid's name] not today."
Rinse and repeat.
"

sluj · 28/06/2019 08:09

You put a gate onto a private lane for YOUR convenience?? Perhaps the neighbours think this is cheeky and have told their kids its OK to use your garden as you clearly have no boundaries yourself.

stucknoue · 28/06/2019 08:12

A padlock! Simply keep locked unless your kids want to play. Try to be relaxed about it, it's such a short period of their lives they will want to play out

stillworkingitout · 28/06/2019 08:15

I don’t understand why they can see in - can’t you just get a decent fence? We have a lot of communal play round here, and it’s lovely, but when the gates are closed then it’s a sign that that family isn’t up for visitors at the moment. I agree that there is a sticky situation about supervision and responsibility. Perhaps getting the parents to sign a liability waiver might focus their minds Grin

SavoyCabbage · 28/06/2019 08:28

If I was your neighbour and I let my dc play outside in the lane I would be checking on them and making sure that they were where they were supposed to be.

If your dd invited her to play in your garden, I’d expect you to be making sure my dd was ok. I can’t, as she’s in your garden. I wouldn’t expect her to be in your garden with some bloke that you didn’t know or just random people from all over the estate. If you are letting your dd invite people over, you need to know who is there and very definitely keep other people out.

I think I’d be annoyed with you if I was your neighbour. We lived on a new estate like this when my dc were little and there was one end of the street where they all played. You’ve created a place where only some are allowed and some are left out.

cranstonmanor · 28/06/2019 09:37

Maybe you should tell your children that they can only invite one kid over at a time. That way they don't get left out and you can keep a better eye on things.

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