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Housekeeping

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My back yard is not a community garden

37 replies

Foreigner01 · 27/06/2019 17:38

Hello everyone! I need some advice from more experienced parents... Not long ago we've moved into a new house. We have quite a big back yard compared to those in the neighbourhood. The people are friendly and there are lots of children. The garden looks out onto a pritave lane with lots of houses and children with whom our children have made friends. A few weeks ago we built a gate into the fence divinding the neigbhours' lane and our garden so that our children and theirs could play freely and we could walk out and talk to the parents on the other side (instead of just talking through a net-like fence). Now I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand it was great to develop friendships and get to know our neighbours, on the other hand, we can't invite just two or three children to play, because almost the whole neighbourhood comes (imagine 10 children at once). They used to play on their lane, now everybody is playing in our garden. How do I draw the line without offending anybody? How do I maintain a good relationship with the neighbours? (Frankly speaking, we've just met!) The children in the neighbourhood are lovely, truly, but there's just too many and often I'll see my elder girl left out, while they're playing with her toys. Then, there's the problem of taking responsibility of all those children's safety. It's quite impossible for my husband and me to just sit and relax with our children either. I know they're all just children, that's why I need to be delicate, but I don't want our garden to turn into a public playground. And I don't want to make our back yard the bone of contention. I'm not from UK, btw. Thank you for any ideas.

OP posts:
CallMeOnMyCell · 28/06/2019 13:29

I still can’t picture how this set up works but can’t you just put it back to how it was? And if anyone asks just tell them the truth.

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2019 13:39

I had this at a previous house, when my daughter was about three. I recall looking out at them all collecting chestnuts in the back garden with their duffel coats, hats and wellies and buckets and thinking it was like something from a cartoon. In the summer they'd all line up at rhe back door when I told my daughter to come get more sun cream on. Literally a line of about a dozen would run over because they'd assumed they too needed to get their sun tan lotion on. Even though I specifically said my child's name only. 🤣

It didn't really bother me to be fair and usually I quite liked it. But I'd no hesitation in saying it was time to go home or not today. They always did as they were told without question, and even if I did get the occasional question. A simple because we are busy, or it's quiet time sufficed.

Foreigner01 · 28/06/2019 13:50

Ok, thanks everybody. I definately wouldn't want to be a doormat, nor a babysitter, or a free playground provider. A few words of explanaition - the neighbour came in when the gate was open WIDE (I knew him beofer we moved here). And then when I told my girl (in his presence) 'Sweetie, I think we need to close the gate now', I think he got the message that that's it for more visitors and left. The gate was a mutual consent. And why would anybody make it? For my children's sake mostly. Otherwise they would be just witnesses to other children's play and laughter, they wouldn't be able to engage with them apart from.. throwing a ball over the fence (yeah, great game... for one day maybe), and we're talking about a child who has a long history of absense from school (asthma), so yeah, I just wanted to make an opportunity to become part of the community. Same for us - the parents - part of the community.

OP posts:
Foreigner01 · 28/06/2019 14:01

And by mutual consent I mean the neighbours said 'Yes, great idea, because it's such a barrier'. And yes, a decent looking fence is a must or bushes, plants. It is lockable. Nobody ever enters when it's closed. (but when it opens... :) ). I really appreciate all your comments and remarks.

OP posts:
PopWentTheWeasel · 28/06/2019 14:23

Add an auto-matic closing mechanism on the gate, so it's for your children to go through to play in the lane. The lane is where everyone plays, not your garden. I agree about adding foliage so people can't see straight into the garden and ask to come in, but just say "not today" if they ask. you don't need to explain why.

NoSquirrels · 28/06/2019 18:34

OK, so if no one comes in when the gate is closed then the answer is to close the gate every time.

For kids asking to come in, you just say ‘Not today’ or ‘Not right now’ on repeat. They’re kids, they don’t need to know why.

I think it sounds lovely and you’re just a little overthinking and need to be a surer in your head of the boundaries.

Foreigner01 · 28/06/2019 21:12

Huge thanks to all of you for the advice!! I really appreciate it! :)

OP posts:
Palaver1 · 29/06/2019 06:34

Hope you can make this work
Please come back if need be all the best

Starface · 29/06/2019 06:59

Yes agree with others. It's all about setting boundaries. We have a similar scenario with neighbour's kids. They know they have to ask to come over. They know I won't have them if I'm cooking, or if we are eating. They know my kids go bed earlier than them.

Yy to teacherly tone. Just "time to go home now" etc. Polite but firm. Set your boundaries, it is your house.

butterboo · 29/06/2019 07:32

We often have the neighboring kids come to our door and ask to play and depending on what we're doing I either open the door wide and call my own children and let them know it's homework/dinner/quiet time now so come back another day. A few times we've ended up with too many rowdy kids running around the house, as soon as it gets to tipping point I'll tell them ok okay time is over, time to go home. Just be assertive, it's your house and your rules and definitely remind the children that everyone is included in games while they play at your house otherwise it's home time. It sounds like a lovely gang of kids and as your children grow up they're going to have a blast!

LifeIsGoodish · 29/06/2019 07:40

This should not be an issue. When you want them to go, you tell them to. You're the grownup.

When I was a child there were several gardens where all the neighbourhood children knew we were allowed free access. Some were even gardens with no resident children! If the grownup came out, or stuck their head out of the window, and told us "Not today, kids", or "Time to go home", we went. Maybe a "Can we stay a bit longer?", but we generally accepted our dismissal. Accessing the neighbours' gardens was a privilege, not a right.

EleanorReally · 29/06/2019 07:44

Just say No,
we used to have a big garden and a huge amount of visitors.
Luckily they had to come through the house, but my dc would bring them in.
I then started saying No, just got fed up with it

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