How do you and Husband split chores?

[Silenttype]

Hi everyone, will try and keep this brief, just wondering how you and the other adults living in your house run things? Myself an DP have 2 DC's 2 and 4. DP works 5 days a week including weekends, but always has 2 days off, which is when i work. Since having DCs I now work part time 3-4 days a week depending on DP's shift pattern, DGP's help out with childcare. Anyway, i do the lions share of the housework which is fine because i am home more, but when DP is home all day and i'm at work he doesn't do anything. At all. He will leave the cups and plates wherever they've been used, living room, dining room, or if they make it to the kitchen, on the side, but never washes them. When i come home from work the place is a mess, toys still all over the place, kids dirty clothes strewn around and I generally find him sat on his phone or watching tevevision when i get home (around 10pm) surrounded by the mess which he seems totally oblivious to! With no evening meal prepared or any signs of attempting to tidy up. AIBU to expect him to do these basic things 2 days of the week? He knows it brings me down when the house is untidy, especially if we come down in the morning to mess, but doesn't seem to care how it affects me. I'm not saying i'm a perfect housewife but my days off from work are my days on for housework, i get lots done during the day and although it may not always be done when DP gets home from work, i always make sure everything is done before i go to bed. I just can't see how he thinks it's OK to see how much i do, then do nothing himself and expect that i'll just clean up after him when i'm not in work. I'm really starting to think he doesn't have any respect for me or the things i do

We tend to split it down job lines. I tend to clean bathrooms, hoover and do DIY, he tends to cook and wash up, etc. I think a lot of people wouldn't want to always do the same jobs but we just both prefer to do certain things and not tread on each other's toes.

There are certain basic things that everyone needs to do when they're at home though and it does sound like your DH really isn't doing the basics. Have you told him what needs to be done? I'd try a rota on the fridge otherwise. List everything that needs doing on each day and both tick off jobs as they're done. It might seem more 'obvious' to him if all your boxes are ticked and his never are. I would literally have a box for 'all cups and plates in dishwasher' and 'surfaces clear in living room' to make it really easy for him and so he has no excuse.

Offer him stickers as incentives if it will help .

How does everyone else split this stuff?

I'm a SAHM with school aged children so do all 'cleaning' but tidying, meal prep, child based things etc when he is home is shared (he often works weekends or travels for work). I hope to return to work soon so he will have to increase his home contribution!

Have you talked to him about this OP? I may be wrong, but your post gives the impression you're expecting him just to notice it and you're quietly seething that he hasn't. It's better to bring these things out in the open and have a constructive discussion, try to avoid blaming and talking about the past, focus on improving the split of housework going forwards. Maybe a rota or, as Hebe says, some jobs that each of you are specifically responsible for?

I work far fewer hours than my DH & we just have one teenager ( a different sort of mess ) so do I tend to do most of the housework and cooking; DH does all the gardening, clears up after meals, certainly tidies up and put things away, DIY, most home admin etc (he frequently offers to cook, I don’t accept that often as I am not that keen on his cooking). We are a bit ‘traditional ‘ in an old fashioned way but he’d certainly not leave a mess around and does loads more with our teenager (& did when he was younger) than I do. In terms of ‘leisure time’, I get far more than he does.

I agree that you should talk about it.

I work 4 days and DH does 5 but we probably dp fairly equal amounts of housework at this point. We both have to do a bit of everything or it doesn't work well, eg bins overflowing, get behind on washing...

Maybe sit down and work out together everyday vs once a week jobs and discuss who will do them on which working days.

If he still won't do household jobs you've got a DH problem I'm afraid.

Organised chaos reigns in our household. I work part-time so tend to do most school pick ups and drop offs with the kids, plus getting them up, dressed, lunchboxes, breakfasts etc.. I do most of the housework but if I can't be arsed I'll ask husband to do X or Y, especially if we are having friends round. I do washing, but he also is good about sticking a load in, or hanging it up. I do ironing for me and the kids and he does his own. Outside is his responsibility, although I do have some veggies and fruits that I water, and a few pots by the front door. And I have been known to indugle in an hour of weeding here and there. He does a lot of the taking kids to clubs and playdates. Foodwise, I plan the meals (with family input), shop for food and do most of the cooking. He likes cooking and does maybe once or twice a week and often breakfasts at weekends. Whoever cooks doesn't clean up and stack the dishwasher afterwards. It's a chaotic system but it functions for us. If I begin to feel at all put upon I might have a few words but that doesn't happen often. We also use a shared calendar to make sure we both know what's happening and when.

So his behaviour is unacceptable and suggests he has some sexist attitudes. Much depends on whether he is willing to change his behaviour: if he isn’t then no, he doesn’t respect you.

You’re not married? So WoH is very important for you personally, and to support your DC, you need financial independence, pension etc. Doing all the domestic work at home will make earning much harder.

As an immediate thing, stop cooking for him and doing laundry for him.

We are like hebe we tend to have certain jobs each. Mind you we've been married a long time and it's probably evolved over the years. Dh does the majority of the cooking, a big supermarket shop at the weekend, and the bathrooms. I do most of the washing, all of the ironing, the garden apart from the donkey work, and we tidy as we go. Either of us might wash up/ do dishwasher, bins etc.

What happens when you talk about it OP?
I am VERY against you drawing up a rota for him or something, that just underlines that it's your ultimate responsibility. You need to figure it out together.
Also, just go on strike at the weekend. Come home to mess, go to bed, come down to mess, go off to work, see what happens. Obvs this could backfire on Monday- plan a day out for that day, so he comes home to the same mess. Monday evening might be chat night, or push it on to Tuesday... you will really need to steel yourself and stay out of the house as much as possible!!

My oh and I work the same hours pw. We have a 3 bathroom house and a sizeable garden with a lot in it (fruit, veg, flowers, hedges). He does the garden and I do the house. My chores stay constant throughout the year. His change throughout the year and winter is a time for other garden chores such as cleaning the greenhouse, potting from seed, etc. He probably averages more hours on his chores than I do mine.