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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Am I right to say that his way is wrong?

26 replies

Sierramango · 14/04/2019 10:52

There are wider issues in our relationship, but we are having to continue living together for the foreseeable future.

However, his "way" of doing things I find intolerable. So, after eating a meal that I have prepared, he will wash up, but will begin washing up before clearing the table! So DCs and I are sat amongst dirty plates whilst trying to do homework/reading after meal times at the table. I always end up clearing the mess, whilst DCs struggle for my help and attention but this is supposed to be his job if I've made the meal.
Similarly, he will begin clearing the kitchen before giving the children their fruit after their meal and they sit around waiting for it. I am often helping them with homework, but again find myself getting it because DH refuses to give them some fruit before he's washed up the pans.
When we go on holiday, he will begin loading up the car before we've finished packing, half empty bags get loaded into the car and then he ends up doing 10 dashes instead of 2 loading everything else on top of the bags that aren't yet filled.

It drives me nuts.

Surely it makes sense to clear one task before moving on to the next?

He tells me everyone does it differently and that I can't expect everyone to be like me, but surely his way just makes more work and more chaos? He has on occasion forgotten the dinner plates at the table after he has "finished" washing up. He says it's no big deal as he then goes on to wash them, but I'm fed up of getting up to do it myself as me and the DCs don't want to sit amongst the clutter of dishes when doing schoolwork/ chatting about our day around the table.

He is as stubborn as a mule and refuses to change the way he does things and sulks when he's called out for it.

Would his "way" of doing things drive you crazy too?

OP posts:

WheresTheEvidence · 14/04/2019 10:54

Just let him get on with it. Move the plates to one side and then just you do you and let him sort it

FriarTuck · 14/04/2019 10:55

Yes it would, but it's still his way and I'm sure my way of doing things would annoy plenty of people. Everyone has their own way. I dare say that if he told you your way was wrong you'd be equally stubborn and sulk.....

Holidayshopping · 14/04/2019 10:57

Of course you are right .

I would facilitate things so that it was done ‘properly’! If your kids are old enough to do homework, their job can be to clear the table. Make sure they take everything out to pile up for daddy in the kitchen-and one can wipe the dining table, whilst you get the homework ready.

Packing like that to go on holiday-that’s crazy as he’s making more work for himself. Don’t bring the cases downstairs until they’re ready to go. Mine packs them in the car only when they’re in the hall.

cakeandchampagne · 14/04/2019 11:00

Especially since the table is needed for other activities, it should be cleared first, before any other cleaning.

englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 11:01

I don't think there is any right or wrong. We all do things differently. I believe the way I stack the dishwasher is correct and the way DH does it is not, however he does 99% of the dishwasher stacking so I just leave him to it. It's not up to me to manage how he does things.

Why are tour school ages children sitting waiting to be handed fruit though?

englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 11:01

*your

dudsville · 14/04/2019 11:01

Some people aren't a organised. There is a difference between "right" and the most efficient. So long as the job gets done it could be fair to say it is right, but you are talking about efficiency, and either he may wish to annoy you or does not know how to be more efficient (and may not wish to learn this from you if you two aren't getting along). Either way, choose you battles in life - does this need to be one?

BlueCornishPixie · 14/04/2019 11:05

I think his way is fine. It's not really the ideal way but it's fine. Why can't the DC take their plates through to the kitchen before they do their homework?

Why can't the DC wait for their fruit after a meal? Surely they don't need it asap. Just leave him to it. Like it really doesn't matter if he forgets the plates as long as he does them in the end.

The bag thing is weird, but if it's him doing the extra work then I don't see how it matters.

AuntMarch · 14/04/2019 11:06

If he wants to take extra trips to the car, let him.
Pile up the plates in one corner of the table and let him get to them when he's ready.
Let the children get their own fruit 🤷

elizabethdraper · 14/04/2019 11:10

Surely everyone scrape s their own plates and moves them to the sink. It is totally bizarre to me that you would just sit there and moan about dirty plates being in your way.

Windygate · 14/04/2019 11:13

Disengage, you are co-parenting housemates now and nothing more. Get the kids to clear the table and get their own fruit or move to another area to do the homework. How he does things is not your problem anymore and the more he knows he's annoying you the more he will do it.
Holidays - stop going on joint holidays. Start out as you mean to go on, set a positive example to your DC.

BertieBotts · 14/04/2019 11:13

It's not about his way being wrong IMO, it's about the fact you need the table to be cleared. That's separate from him doing the task of washing up. Yes, it could be incorporated into the washing up task, so it is a bit annoying that it's not, but it doesn't have to be one singular task - just see it as two separate ones?

I wouldn't go in saying his whole way is wrong but I would say "I/DC need the table to be cleared ASAP, how can we make sure that gets done?" - it could be the person who needs the table's responsibility to clear it, it could be the person who is washing up, or it could be the people who have eaten. It doesn't really matter which one of these it is but if you have different expectations that's what's causing the friction - so just work out how to handle the table clearing part. The washing up is his problem.

ChicCroissant · 14/04/2019 11:21

Seriously? You have 'wider issues' and all you can focus on is the way he clears the table?

Sometimes it is the small things that push you over the edge, but there is no way your children will not have noticed the atmosphere. I would sort out the 'wider issues' as quickly as possible and then the small things won't bother you so much because you won't be looking to find fault. It's not a nice way for any of you to live.

grumpyyetgorgeous · 14/04/2019 11:24

He is as stubborn as a mule and refuses to change the way he does things and sulks when he's called out for it.

But aren't you refusing to change your way of doing things too op? So pot, kettle, black!!

I'm giggling tbh at the thought of you all sitting amongst dirty dishes crossly because it's "his" job and he "should do it.
If everybody in the family pops their dish next to the sink then it's all there waiting for him to wash and the table is clear.

Get the children to stand up and get their own fruit, why are they sitting around waiting for it to be delivered to them

Packing? Yes I bit bonkers I'll let you have that but as long as you arrive with everything at the destination, does it really matter?

Iputthescrewinthetuna · 14/04/2019 11:55

My kids move their own plates whilst I wash up. Even my 3 year old. I start washing up and they bring their plates once they are finished.
Not sure why one person has to clear all plates!

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 14/04/2019 13:13

Could the fruit be kept in a bowl on the table? My DC take their own plates to the sink after food, and I keep a pack of wipes in the dining room for quick wipes of the table?
If he’s stubborn you won’t change him so maybe focus on what you can change? X

BackforGood · 14/04/2019 13:23

Why are you helping your dc with their homework when they are in the middle of a meal, would be my question, as you claim he is wrong to not complete one task before starting on another ?

Surely the dc should be clearing the table / scraping plates / stacking ready for washing up before they then start on their homework ?

DeadZed · 14/04/2019 13:30

Honestly, you both sound stubborn. Really not sure why you are both waiting hand and foot on your little princes/princesses? Surely it would be quicker and better for everyone if your children learned to tidy after themselves. Get everything in the kitchen after dinner, get the holy fruit and sit back down ready to do homework or whatever is next.

dementedpixie · 16/04/2019 07:28

In our house you take your own plates over to the sink for 1 person to sort them out. Surely it's faster if everyone helps move the plates to clear the table rather than wait for 1 person to do it

lazymare · 16/04/2019 07:33

You are right in a way but just all clear the table, which would have under 1 minute, then get on with the homework while he washes.

Bookworm4 · 16/04/2019 07:41

Sounds like your DC expect to be waited on, either stack the plates or everyone takes their plate to the sink and leaves it on the side and I'm sure they can fetch their own fruit, stop being controlling and teach your kids to do simple chores.

Reddedder · 16/04/2019 07:43

You’re being difficult

Chathamhouserules · 16/04/2019 07:50

Your dcs should take their plates out and clear the table and collect their fruit. It's a simple job.

OKBobble · 16/04/2019 08:14

Agree - surely everyone clears their own plates/dishes from the table. Everyone knows that is the correct way. Even as toddlers this was the first chore my kids did. As school age kids I am.mystified that you appear to be waiting on them. Perhaps it is time they do the clearing and washing up!

Wildernesstips · 20/04/2019 16:45

I think you need to pick your battles, and you have already said there are wider issues.

DH could do the homework/reading while you are preparing the meal, leaving you to clear the plates for him to wash and you to get the fruit.

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