Why can't I keep on top of everything? How do you do it?

[Honey1975]

My house is a permanent mess. It's not unclean thanks to our cleaner who comes every 2 weeks but it is always messy with clutter everywhere. There are piles of clothes everywhere, school stuff, admin, toys, shoes & bags & random crap in the hall despite having a shoe rack.

I work pt but when I'm arouund in afternoons I don't achieve much as am trying to cook tea which dc's always moans at they are so bloody fussy.

I can't keep on top of the washing and never iron. I will tidy and declutter an area and a few hours later it's a tip again.

DH helps but it's still not enough to keep on top of things.

I have a chronic condition which is usually managed but can make me tired and stiff and then all I want to do is rest. Then nothing gets done, no one can find anything, the stress mounts and this makes my condition worse!

I just can't seem to do it. Perhaps I'm not cut out to be a wife and mother. I'm fed up of feeling like this and being so rubbish.

Please tell me what you do to be organised and keep on top of things.

Have a family meeting. Get everyone on board. Even young children can do something.
My friend has a cleaner every week and makes her kids pick up all their crap before she come. Seems to work for her. Maybe try that?

Thanks Galaxy. Yes maybe a family meeting is in order. It just seems to be expected that mum does everything. No matter how many times I tell my ds to bring his cup out or use the rubbish bin he never does. Is it normal in most families that children of 10 & 5 do very little? I remember my mum running such a good home when I was young, so organised and everything done well. But she didn't go out to work and so saw that as her job.
I just try to do a bit of everything and don't do any of it very well🙁

Well first of all drop "wife" as a job title! You and your DH are both responsible for the house and the kids- yes you work PT not FT, but you have health issues that mean you need extra rest. So everyone else in the house needs to step up!!!

10 is old enough to be properly useful- and 5 is more than old enough to put things in the bin!!! They'd both have been up chimneys by now a couple of hundred theses ago! Definitely time for a family meeting...

I'm so sorry you're feeling so low. You are NOT a rubbish wife and mother. You have a stuff problem, not a personality problem!

People are really holier-than-thou about clutter, blaming others for being disorganised. I take a different view - I think clutter is circumstantial. I am normally the kind of person with a very neat, ordered house. But I've had building work since September and I have piles of stuff literally EVERYWHERE in my house and nowhere to put them. It's so untidy!

A huge part of the issue is storage. If you compared what a family now owns to what a family owned in the 1940s, you'd find the amount of stuff we have has grown exponentially. But have houses changed much to cope with that? Not really! If anything, new build houses now have less room for storing stuff. And many of us are still in a 1940s mentality when it comes to the furniture we buy - we haven't increased the amount of places we have to put things.

So I think the first solution is to make sure there is a place for everything. It's no good just putting things in neat piles - they will get disordered. Building in boxes, cupboards, shelves for items is crucial - and then figuring out a routine whereby the whole family puts things away inside them at the end of the day.

I'm currently building what I'm calling a Life Wardrobe. It runs right along one wall of my dining room, with sleek floor-to-ceiling doors. It's a bit like a clothes wardrobe, but it doesn't have any clothes in it. Instead, it's for all the life stuff we have acquired, to keep it all out of sight. It will be part-media storage (CDs, DVDs, records), part admin desk (there's a filing area for banking, receipts, bills, etc. which can then be dealt with as they come in), part hobby storage (photography equipment, yoga mat), part hifi unit, and part drinks cabinet (yes really). We should basically be able to put everything in there, and have it all neatly out of sight. Which should also make it much easier to clean the totally clutter-free rooms it leaves behind.

You're right Messy, I've been too easy on them really and now it's hard to get them to change. To be fair my dd 5 is very sweet and tries to be helpful and tells me to rest when I'm having a painful day.
I think the problem is because I'm not always feeling up to keeping on top of things every day things then mount up and become more difficult to tackle, and so it goes on.

I find it helpful - when I'm overwhelmed - to pick ONE SPOT in the house that's importnat, and keep it REALLY CLEAN. The sink, the table, your bedside table, wherever. Make it sacrosanct - never leave anything there, clean it well, make it lovely. (Flowers for the table - new dishcloth for the sink - whatever). keep it perfect for a few days. Then GRADUALLY work outwards. So if it's your bedside table, you'd then make sure your side of the bed is always picked up, and make the bed. The lovely calmness spreads outwards from the one clean spot, but you are not putting too much on yourself. I have got my house back in order several times using this method, I find it really helps.

Look at The Organised Mum method
on Facebook. It's changed my life!

Pigmcpigface i love the sound of this! Are you getting someone to make it for you, do you have a picture you could show me?
We have a big hallway which is basically a dumping ground. It could look so nice but it's a mess as there is nowhere to hide all the stuff away.
I have been thinking about getting something built for the hallway just to store everything away in but not a
sure how to go about it. I guess I would need a carpenter to design & make it. Even then though people would need to put stuff in it!

Im a sahm

Dc are 10 9 5 and 1

It is a constant battle against the mess. And i never feel i am winning.

If you don't have good storage and have lots of stuff (and dont we all!), nobody will stay on top of it. The advice always given s to get rid if everything you dont truly need and then find homes great what you have left. Don't try and put anything away until you've had a proper sort out.

I have done this in part, and then got distracted and didn't finish. What I did do really helped though. But your hallway sounds as if it could work better for you and then you will feel lots better, I'm sure. Get a carpenter round and see what is possible.

My 10 year old is just starting to help round the house. I've been too soft for too long! Things he is doing all the time now are putting shoes and coat away, emptying school bag and lunch box and putting Tupperware into the dishwasher, clearing away all toys before he goes to school and before bed, laying the table, clearing the table, putting dirty clothes into the washing basket, making his bed. He also helps me put a wash on, unload the washing machine, load the dryer, put clothes away etc. I also call out to him what I need in the supermarket and he writes the list. He helps me put it all away when I get home. It isn't saving me huge amounts of time, but I hope I am not too late in instilling responsibility for things round the house.

OP don't blame yourself!! Your DP needs to pull his weight big time.
Ace advice from PPs! When I had a newborn and a toddler my One Thing was the floor in the hall. If that was clear before I went to bed, I felt like the whole mess everywhere situation was temporary and beatable. Also our hall is tiny to easy to clear the floor and dump all the crap in another room
LOVE the life wardrobe. You made me realise we had one on our last house, by accident, and I really miss it!

Thanks Messy. DH does do a fair bit and always sorts the kitchen out before bed. He also loves doing washing but it's still not enough to keep it all flowing. Most evenings dc's have some club or other so. Y the time that's done and we've got them to bed and eaten we have had enough and just want to flopmom sofa.

How does everyone else manage the shoes bags and coats of 4 people and all the endless school paperwork that comes home?

As others have said you have to have places for things and routines to follow. So we have a big shoe box in the garage where shoes get put when we arrive home. There are also coat hooks in garage for coats. There is a big box in the laundry under a shelf for school bags.and a drawer for school work. My dc know where to put everything. Post and letters from school go into a tray in the kitchen where I sort them and I have a filing system in the cupboard under the stairs.

Every evening the dc know they need to do homework and sort out what they need for school and activities the next day.

It's not easy and requires a lot of nagging initially to keep on track.

Admittedly there are only two of us, DS (8) and me, so much less stuff overall. I moved recently from our large family home to a much smaller new build townhouse - threw away absolutely tonnes of stuff beforehand and then even more when I was unpacking. I have great storage under the stairs with shelves for shoes and at the bottom boxes for hats, scarves etc. and tools, batteries, bulbs, medicines are all in storage boxes under there as well.

I am ruthless with throwing out clothes I no longer wear/need and that DS has grown out of as well as keeping the minimum in terms of bed linen and towels for us. I do laundry every other day so there’s only one load in circulation between washer and cupboards at any time. I only iron uniform and smart clothes - they are kept in the wardrobe in the spare room until I iron them. I put the clothes away and put washing on when DS is in the bath. He has frequent toy amnesty sessions when it looks like things are getting too full.

School paperwork is dealt with on the day it comes home and anything I need to keep to remind me is pinned on the noticeboard in the kitchen. Other paperwork is either dealt with immediately or filed (i have a box file in my tv unit cupboard along with two boxes for stationery (bday cards etc) and a sort of holding box where I shove things before they get filed or shredded - look at that about once every two months probably. Any artwork by DS goes in a box file that I look through in the summer holidays.

I have worked full time always so that helps as the house is empty during the day and DS is fed at the childminder’s. My work stuff (teacher) is all up in my office area at one end of my bedroom.

I tend to have a little flop when we get in from work at 530 for an hour while DS does homework and we play UNO or something, then spring into action when he is in the bath and reading (7-8). He keeps his toys tidy (lots of storage boxes from ikea) and will collect up the rubbish from the waste bins on bin night. I don’t tend to ask him to do much else as I have a cleaner every other week.

my dc are 6 (with sen) and 4. their jobs are-
-clothes in the washing basket once they have taken them off.
-put their clean clothes into their drawes
-put their washing up next to the sink
-help unload the dishwasher (their size plates and cups egg are kept in the low cupboards for easy access.
-shoes and coats put away as they come in.

These little jobs really help. we started about y weeks ago when I got fed up of constant mess and realised they should actually help. These jobs are now habit so I don't have to constantly remind them.

I’m reading for tips. Our house is regularly a muddle. We try and keep the downstairs as clear as possible but the upstairs One thing that has really helped me though was tidying up my pants drawer a year ago and keeping on top of that ever since. As it’s the first place I go to in the morning it at least makes for a nice tidy start to the day

Now you mention it, i hadn’t really thought about those as jobs but yes, DS puts his coat and shoes away under the stairs and leaves his bag in the kitchen so I can look for crumpled notes etc. He also puts his clothes in the laundry basket and will always use the bin for rubbish. Doesn’t put clothes away but takes plates to the kitchen above the dishwasher and lays the table for breakfast and dinners at the weekend/holidays. The crockery and glassware all go in top cupboards so he can’t help with unloading dishwasher yet but that will definitely be his job when he grows!

I too have a health condition and just wanted to flag up you will find it exhausting training you DC but once it's done things will be easier.

How long does it take to learn a new habit? About 3 weeks I seem to remember and surely young brains learn quickly.

my kids:

make their own beds
strip them on the days I am washing bed clothes
hang their own towels up
empty dishwasher
tidy their rooms
put dirty washing in the basket
put their own clothes away

A short sharp shock may be required. Ask them to pick stuff up and find a home for it and give them a time limit. Anything still on the floor/not tidied away gets put in a bin liner - they earn it back or if they don't miss it it can get recycled/binned.

I do have a cleaner for 3 hours once a week who cleans bathrooms, washes floors and hoovers and dusts. They come on a Friday, so I do also hoover and spritz on a Monday and a Wednesday after the kids have gone to school and before I go to work

Ironing I do in one big clump about once a month - put some groovy music on and do a couple of hours, soon gets done. Luckily DH is a builder and doesn't need work shirts and I don't iron school uniform.

honey - I will post a picture middle of the actual thing next week when it's finished. (At the moment it's a big ole mess and I am not sure it would be that helpful). I'm attaching a picture of the design so you can see the sort of thing - it's designed so that the whole thing projects from the wall the same distance, even though there is a chimney breast in the way.

We needed lots of shelving, but you could easily adapt to have integral drawers or bins. We are having it CNC manufactured (laser-cut) in plywood, which is why you can see joins. The cost of this is falling rapidly, and I think in future it may well be a very cost-effective way of getting bespoke cupboards etc.

Empower the children. Seriously. People rarely like following another person's system. Tell them that you'd like them to think of ways to keep their bags, coats and shoes tidy: they are free to make labels, boxes, marked zones whatever.

Mine did this with shoes years ago. They made this mad system in the hall cupboard with zones mapped out with masking tape and bizarre signage indicating what was each person's area. They enforced it fiercely because they created it.

They were most entertained by telling me and their dad off if we didn't follow the bonkers system. We dutifully obeyed and corrected our errors thus modelling good behaviour.

It was mad as a box of frogs though.

I got a sticker from my youngest one day for good shoe putting away. It was glittery. I accidentally left it on my jacket next day for work. It was much admired.

RunRabbitRunRabbit
That is awesome I’m off to empower my 9 year old

Wow that looks great! So will you put it together yourselves or have you got someone to make it? I think I really need something purpose built for our hall but am thinking that will cost loads.

Ikea must have something that would fit book bags and some shoes for a hallway.
Have you got winter and summer shoes all in the same place?
Could some be put away in a plastic storage box in the loft/she if you have one. Or can some be given away as they'll be too small by next winter? Could wellies be left on a porch or in the car boot instead?
Can you put up a long coat rack so that coats and book bags can go straight on hooks?
I'd also think about getting a letter rack thingy from Ikea that can be wall mounted so you can stick all the crap from school in there immediately and then you'll know where they are when you get round to reading them.

I hate ironing and my rule is i was everything and put it away and iron when needed. My iron has the little water spray thingy so creases aren’t a problem to get out when dry.