How can I transform my TIP of a house in a few child-free days - AND KEEP IT TIDY?

[DomesticallyDeficient]

I haven't posted on here for so long, but I'm feeling desperate for some life-changing advice (no pressure!).

These past 18 months have seen unforeseen issues arise with our kids (my teen DC, teen SDC and nearly-three-year-old); work upheaval (me changing job, job now at risk); my eldest's involvement in sport really take off (regularly taking me far afield on evenings and weekends); our little one still sleeping wakefully (I am always tired and lacking energy); and a build project on our house that we're doing ourselves (no money for builders) almost grind to a halt.

In all this, our home has become a staggering mess. We've never been brilliantly tidy, but have reached a new low. Lots of stuff doesn't have a home, lots of stuff that has a home isn't put back where it belongs (by any of us - we're all naturally messy), many days are too busy with work, sport, little one, DIY (or I'm too tired) to clear up after dinner, sort laundry, sort paperwork, tidy up the little one's toys... and so it all builds up.

Unless I have a rare opportunity to blitz the place, we are always in a shocking mess. And I mean really shocking - not your light lived-in mess. We have to step over random stuff just to walk across our living room, rummage through the sofa laundry mountain on busy mornings to find two (mismatched) socks... it's utter chaos. And CHAOS in the FlyLady sense too (Can't Have Anyone Over Syndrome).

I don't have people over anymore. I'm too ashamed. I feel disconnected from my friends - socially isolated. It's miserable. I get invited to others' houses with my little one, but I never reciprocate, which must seem rude; we 'owe' a few dinners and get-togethers. Eldest DC said recently that it would be nice to have some family friends over soon - "but only if you're OK with the state of the house, Mum". This isn't the home I envisaged for my family.

I am so desperately unhappy. The state of my house, which I want to be a warm, inviting, calm, enveloping sanctuary, is making me depressed. I dread coming home from being out. I'm sure my mood is impacting the kids. I have told DP, and the older ones, how I feel, but it's not enough to effect any change – the teens are in their hormonal, self-centered bubbles, and I must sound like a stuck record.

DP does what he can around his work, the unending build project, and the kids. But anything beyond a sporadic kitchen clear-up, sweep or laundry in the machine/on airers bottle-necks with me. (And DP naturally gravitates to working outside in the garden - which is important, but I think inside matters more.) And we haven't found a workable, fair chores rota for the teens, because they have such different schedules, amounts of homework/free time, length of school day, distance to school. Plus they resist requests to do chores. So the state of the house is mostly down to me, and I feel utterly overwhelmed. I can't see any way out.

Next week, I'm using up annual leave, as is DP; we'll have a few child-free days to clear up the house. I plan to do FlyLady's crisis cleaning, which has worked for me before - at least to quickly get the place tidier and possible to clean. I've also figured I need to (1) declutter as I go, (2) organise better and more storage (this weekend), (3) put stuff away and then (4) clean - that's my four-step plan.

Does anyone have any other tips on how I/we can achieve some amazing results in just a few days? Perhaps more importantly for my mental health, how can I/we keep our home a more pleasant place to live day-to-day? How can we keep it more or less guest-ready? How can we get our older kids chipping in more and doing their fair share when their daily routines and free time vary so much from day to day, and between each other? What non-negotiable rules do you have for your teens that help keep the house in order?

I don't want to feel the ground-swallow-me-up shame anymore when people turn up unexpectedly. I don't want what I achieve next week to unravel within days, as has happened before. And I want to invite my friends round over Christmas; I miss them.

I think if I can't achieve something transformative off the back of next week, I'm going to have a bloody breakdown.

Thanks for any tips, general hand-holding and ideas that will change my life!

This is the kind of thing I love to do - I love bringing order to chaos - you're not in Dorset by any chance? Would love to come and help you

First thing to do before you get your child free days is to pick a day, cancel all other appointments and get the whole family to DECLUTTER. Start all together in one room and get rid of anything that doesn't bring you joy or doesn't serve a useful purpose. Spend the whole day going from room to room. No TV or tablets allowed just have radio pop playing.

Once you've driven all that to the tip for recycling, you can then pl as m your cleaning strategy, it's much easier in a decluttered house

Once decluttered and clean, as a family use post its to write down every task associated with keeping house clean. One post it for every task. This is your backlog. Now you as a family rate them by priorities. Now on a wall or board, put a column for each day of the week and assign the tasks to members of the family

Marie Kondo.

Get a cleaner, then you only have to tidy.

Op- what I'm going to post now will make you feel a bit better- I promise! Similar situation to you, 18 months or so of hell and this is what I've come to- you ready?

It's getting tackled today, I was the complete opposite, I actually have OCD but depression on top with fibromyalgia for dessert!
When I'm struggling, this is what happens...

Thank you Uumellmayahe.

I do realise decluttering is key. We are just so time-poor. I will have to do the decluttering next week, on the child-free days. This weekend, DP will be doing building work. And the teens will resist and the toddler will be underfoot.

But I'm not too fussed about the kids' bedrooms to be honest, and the older ones' stuff (I'll be getting rid of the little one's stuff). I just want our living space and bathrooms, our bedroom and the study to be in order.

My eldest doesn't leave much mess laying around anyway - always out or in bedroom; DSC is messier in the 'communal' areas - at home more, plus spends more time in the living space (making snacks, abandoning crisp packets, taking off socks/shoes/bags and dumping them wherever they're removed).

When I last blitzed, the toddler was the worst culprit, then DP and DSC. DP has so many bloody tools and building materials in the house, which can't be stored elsewhere at the moment. And he is terrible for walking into the house, taking off his coat and shoes, and leaving them on the floor, mere feet from the coat hooks and shoe shelves! DSC is exactly the same.

I know I'm not perfect, but I don't mind tackling my own mess - it seems like a simple equation: my mess + my clearing up of my mess = tidy and organised. But I can't control everyone else, and I think I really want to be in control, when so much else seems out of control currently. Sigh.

So, just supposing I were in Dorset, what would you charge to help? I love the idea of someone whipping us into shape, but can't afford it - but am curious!

But LordSugarWillSeeYouNow, you have clear units with nice ornamenty things on them! Ours are just piled with books, paperwork, Christmas wrapping stuff, boxes of random crap, dust - nothing nice. So I'm not feeling much better! But I'm happy for you that you're able to tackle your own accumulated chaos - good luck, and do share progress!

Uumellmayahe, if I put a rota on the wall of jobs for everyone, I honestly think everyone would ignore it. If I nag, there's a row. I think I'm up against some deeply ingrained habits and household resistance. I just don't think everyone else cares about this as much as me.

misscph1973, I have Marie Kondo's book - read it before little one arrived, and managed to majorly clear out my clothes and books. It makes sense, but it takes time and energy, and I don't have a lot of either.

Maybe I'm a bit rubbish, but I find it hard to tackle this stuff when I have the toddler in tow. I'm an all-or-nothing type - I can't focus or make progress with all the stopping and starting and interruptions, doing 15 minutes here and there. (Maybe I have ADD?!)

How do those of you who are decluttered and tidy and orderly manage to stay that way? What are your daily flexible routines (please don't send me to FlyLady - it's too rigid for our lives)?

Can't afford a cleaner at the moment, unfortunately. Love the idea though.

Thank you all for posting.

You have to be strict once it's all done. It all goes back, whatever it is.

You have to clear up after using the kitchen. You have to put laundry away. You have to have a day where everyone knows the vacuuming is being done, and if it's on the floor it goes into a black bag.

You need to spend 20-30 minutes towards the end of the day making sure as much as possible is done.

because you sound at the end of your tether.

You can do it op!

Just keep going

My house is awful atm, 4 dc under 10

lordsugar you also appear to have clear stairs! Mine are like an obstacle course

Have a look at the organised mum routine. The basic premise is that after your initial mega clean, you keep on top of the house with 30 minute cleans every day. There's a rota and EVERYTHING! 😂

I'm NOT following it, though I want to be, because I'm a total procrastinator. Bane of my life.

The household that you yearn for is my idea of bliss! I'm organised in my head, hence the user name, but the reality is often very lacking, sadly!

NoStraightEdges, you speak sense. Yes, definitely at the end of my tether. I hate home. How can that be right?!

Thanks for the encouragement, Afreshturkeyplease. Four DCs under 10 sounds tough. I have a hallway like your stairs - stuff on one side (things bagged up to give away, plasterboard, dismantled furniture), and a narrow passageway we walk down on the other!

MissOrganisedMe, I'm going to check out the Organised Mum routine (though the name says it all: it will likely fall to me, Mum, and that's UNFAIR!). Thanks for signposting me - not heard of it before. I too am organised in my head. I would actually love to be minimalist, although don't expect to be with a family. There is such a monumental jarring between my real-life home and my imagined home. I find the visual clutter energy-sapping and it makes my head hurt.

I'm wondering about sneaking off to IKEA this weekend and raiding savings to buy some more storage options. I want a shoe cupboard, not shelves, so the door can be shut on them. I want a cupboard for DP's tools in the house, so they don't lay about on shelves and surfaces. Surely sorting storage is key? Or am I getting side-tracked?

Op if you get a chance, pls take a look at Clutterbug on YouTube, she has been amazing, she hates cleaning but also can't stand mess so devises ways of doing as much as possible with the least effort with a big focus on speed cleaning.

She's Canadian and really quite infectious,
I get twice as much done when I pop her on in the background :)

Ooh, OK LordSugar - thanks for that. Will check out.

MissOrganisedMe, I just checked out Organised Mum. There's NO WAY we could do all that in 15 minutes. And it doesn't cover picking up kids' toys, hanging out wet laundry, folding dry laundry and putting it away, daily kitchen clear-up and wipe-down... surely they're daily jobs too? I might adapt it for our household though. Thanks again.

I feel your pain. I fantasize about better storage being the solution. But beware. I dreamed of a shoe cupboard. We finally got a shoe cupboard. DP and the kids just leave their shoes in a heap on the floor in front of the cupboard. So from this I learned there is only a point in having storage solutions if your family actually use them (unlike mine).

Oh BasementPeople. I feel your pain back at you! We have a floor-to-ceiling shelving unit for shoes. There are more shoes on the floor in front of the shelves than there are on it.

So perhaps all this storage with closeable doors isn't the answer.

If you too have a messy DP and kids, what have you found works? Does most of the clearing up fall to you too?

One tip for the futore that has helped me - Do 100% of a job - otherwise all you do is add another thing to do to the pile
Eg - empty tumble dryer and put for ironing or PUT AWAY

Eg - wash up, dry up and PUT AWAY

it becomes a habit after a while

The biggest thing that needs to be said over and over is DECLUTTERING

HOnestly we got so ruthless and chucked/charity shopped SO much and once you get in the swing you just get rid of loads. I’m talking car fulls. Many many car fulls.

So much easier to keep it tidy now.

Sympathy, op. I am in the same state. I long to be able to just relax at home rather than constantly seeing jobs that need doing. I'd love to feel people could pop in and I would not be mortified. I just can't seem to do it. (I also looked at that photo and thought 'pah, you can see a clean surface!')

These would be my steps:

1. Ruthless declutter and tidy in these childfree days. As in 3 year old only needs 4 items of each type of clothing. I only have 30 hangers and thats all the clothes i have (plus drawer of out of season). Basically get rid of loads of stuff.

1. Stolen from stephanie odea come up with a daily 7. Basically a list of things you do every day. For us that is one complete load of laundry (put away from airer from yesterday, new load on and on airer), downstairs everything put away before bed, kitchen clean surfaces and swept floors, dinner for next day prepped/defrosting, school bags ready for next day, any paper work like schook forms. Then do it. Maybe split up with teens and dh too.

1. Sort out storage. Make it easy rather than pretty. Gather stuff in çategories and where u need it. Poundland have stackable plastic tubs with lids. By 30. Shove stuff in then and stack. Deal with them later chances are you wont need most of the stuff and can chuck it.

1. Get tough. We have baskets in the hall for each member of family (me, dh, 4 year old twin boys). If they dont put their stuff in their baskets i do nothing. No snack. No dinner. No playing. Soon they get it. The add another element. So teens- chore not done? Dont cook dinner for them. You need to instil the idea that you are a team not a slave. Dh put stuff in binliners and hide if he drops them on floor.

1. Once everything is more under control then marie kondo.

You will find when basics are sorted then actually you will spend less time tidying. Also you will have time to e.g. clean bathroom as you wont have to wade through a million half empty bottles.

Hope that helps.

BestBees, that is really helpful. I don't think I'm being ruthless enough. Although I lost it the other day and picked up DSC's bag, blazer, shoes - all dumped literally in the middle of the living area for the umpteenth time - and threw them into DSC's room (DSC was laying in bed watching TV). DP thought I was being a bit harsh. But I am So. Fed. Up. I love the I-am-not-a-slave-WE-are-a-team line; i can see that getting framed in the hall.

I have looked at Clutterbug now, LordSugar, and (saddo!) fancy an evening binge-watching those for some inspiration! I can barely wait to roll up my sleeves next week! (She says she doesn't like cleaning and tidying, but I think she does though...)

Sonnet, good point. Our house is full of half-begun jobs. I'm planning to tell DP that we mustn't start anything else (gutting the bathroom or whatever) unless we can finish it.

StinkPickle, you're so right. Decluttering is key. I think we're shit at it. But we have to try.

Swirlingasong, yep, I'm so with you there. I had immediate clean-surfaces envy too! Very best of luck with your domestic mission too.

Thank you all.

You're welcome.

It can be hard starting. I am not a naturally tidy person. But i find keeping things simple makes life a lot easier. So now my 4 year olds have one small drawer and one big drawer of clothes. Thats it. Means there is less laundry and you have to keep on top of it. Ditto with washing up and plates. Or paper work. I basically always spend two minutes throwing away crap kids come home with like letter thay dont apply so they dont even get into the house.

I also have set my self challeneges.

E.g. decluttering 1 item on first of jan, two on second and so on.
Or i write a list of ten beauty products to use up in a month.

Please keep us posted!

Oh and if you have space a basket outside or just inside each persons room. Find their shit? Dump it is there for them to sort through. Delegate the shit work means more time for relaxing!

Have you got anyone you can ask to.come and help motivate you. I've been trying to get on top of our house and I get so much more done if my mum or sister come to help. Keeps me focused and stops me sitting down with mumsnet!
I'd also like to add that I have a wonderful huge hall cupboard which means we can literally open the door and throw in the shoes. I decluttered it last week and removed 5 bags for life full of old shoes! The more space I have the more I fill it with crap!

I agree that if you declutter so everything has a place it's easier to keep tidy. Then you have to be super strict about everyone putting everything away. Each having a basket which their stuff goes into to put away is a good idea. And if not done by a set time bin it.
There is no reason for older kids not to be helping. Personally I confiscate devices or change wifi password til tasks done.

Send children to boarding school? 😅