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Housekeeping

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Original poster

Decluttering with a VERY reluctant 4 year old...

55 replies

BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 10:39

Any tips?

DS is 4 and seems to have inherited my mum's hoarding tenancies! His room is so full we can hardly get in it any more so something needs to be done. He won't even through out a kinder egg capsule if he can avoid it so I'm really struggling. He has board books he never reads, peg puzzles, even a Sophie Giraffe he refuses to part with.

He is currently seeing a paediatrician / SALT for some sort of Social Communication Disorder, possibly High Functioning Autism, could this be a factor?

I've tried offering to buy things off of him for his baby sister (limited success).

Any ideas?

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 10:40

Through = throw!

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 30/07/2017 10:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rosybell · 30/07/2017 10:47

Yes - just don't ask!! Honestly I think all kids are reluctant to give toys away, regardless of ASD. I just sneak stuff out, they rarely notice. If I'm not sure I box stuff up and put it in the garage and if they don't miss it I get rid of it after a few months..

Timeforabiscuit · 30/07/2017 10:48

Go through a de clutter while he is out? Or clear out part of the room to make way for a desk?

He needs a clear room so you can easily get him out in an emergency, so that dust doesnt get trapped, so the air circulates properly and things dont get mouldy- it is a non negotiable! He is four - it may be his room but he needs to be taught how to use it.

I do have utmost sympathy, every scrap of paper dd makes is somehow "special" - she has a tablet so she can take photos of bits, and she has plenty of storage - but once its full it gets chucked unless she makes room. But its a battle keeping in top of it.

We also get a letter from the charity shop showing how much money her old toys have raised.

emma8t4 · 30/07/2017 10:50

As others have said make the most of it when he is out and have a whip round with a bin bag my ds is 7 and has never notice s yet.

Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 10:53

I sneak out as much as possible, my big problem is that he has an insanely good memory. He can pick up any toy and tell you when he got it, who gave it to him and what sort of paper it was wrapped in. So when I go through and squirrel things out of sight he comes straight in and asks where X Y Z are. Confused

It would also be lovely to be able to pass things down to DD but I've no chance!

OP posts:
fairgame84 · 30/07/2017 10:56

My DS has ASD and is a hoarder. I clear his clutter when he is out. If I'm not sure whether he will miss something then I hide it away and if he doesn't ask for it after 3 months then I chuck it.

fairgame84 · 30/07/2017 11:02

In that case you need to have firm rules and tell him that he can only have X number of cars. The rest either have to be chucked out or stored away and rotated in X amount of time.
Kinder egg capsules have to go in the bin. From my experience the worst that can happen is an epic meltdown then you move on. I know it's tempting to make allowances because of the ASD but knowing that it's ok to chuck stuff will help him in the long term.
DS is now 12 and we have good clear out sessions and he understands why it needs to be done because he is used to it.

Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 11:14

fair we've never made it to 3 months, he's always asked for everything back!

I've managed to ditch a few capsules / eggs / pots (he's obsessed with them) but that's it!

OP posts:
CremeFresh · 30/07/2017 11:17

Would he be happier if he knew they would be going to other children who haven't got many toys?

SciFiFan2015 · 30/07/2017 11:18

I've had success with asking DD to say goodbye to items and to take photos of precious items. She also has a great memory of who gave her what, when and why (I don't remember!) but no special/additional needs which must make it harder for you and your son. Good luck.

SciFiFan2015 · 30/07/2017 11:20

Would he be motivated by having a sale of items? Either to raise money for a new, much sought after toy or to give to charity?

paxillin · 30/07/2017 11:42

We have a box for cars, a box for bricks, a shelf for books, a trunk for dressing up stuff etc. If they are full, there won't be any new presents. If others give them, give him the one-in-one-out rule. His room won't grow, so his toy collection can't grow, either.

Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 12:30

scifi I did manage to get him to part with a few bits in exchange for cold hard cash... Then he spent the cash on more stuff!

pax we also have boxes like that, I just feel we have too many boxes!

It doesn't help that I'm the complete opposite and despise clutter!

OP posts:
CauliflowerSqueeze · 30/07/2017 12:33

I think your mistake is that you're discussing it all with him and paying him to get rid of things.

Isadora2007 · 30/07/2017 12:34

Get some new storage. Then explain what fits in here is what stays.
The rest goes.

Be firm and fair. And explain that people cannot keep everything they want, as there just isn't space.

If he values the kinder toys best that's fine but the other toys go.

And it's really unfair he won't pass baby toys on to his sister. I'd be explaining that you bought them as family baby toys so they are for any baby who comes to your family home. Not his.

Isadora2007 · 30/07/2017 12:35

And at 4 he didn't spend the money on other things- you let him. Stop pandering to him.

paxillin · 30/07/2017 12:39

He's 4. He won't have driven himself to Toys R Us. Stop it. Tell him no.

Tell him he needs to reduce his stuff to fit the available space or else you will do it. Then tell him he needs to make more space for new stuff if he wants any. If he doesn't, no new stuff. Stick to it, too.

annandale · 30/07/2017 12:47

Does he have a savings account, one with a physical passbook he can look at? If you are anywhere near a physical bank, post office or building society, set one up and get him used to putting a little bit of pocket money into it. The cashiers will pay in 50p with a smile or gritted teeth because their bosses know it's a long term relationship worth investing in. Get him to plan not a thing but an experience - ds was able to say he was saving to go to Egypt to see the sphinx at around that age. Then you have an incentive to see money building up and it's fun to pay coins in once a week or month.

I would also send out an SOS to family asking that all his presents from them should be trips out, sweets or anything else consumable, that you will look after the physical stuff.

I think the 'one in, two out' principle would be good - 'it's a shame you can't have that in your room until two things go, what could they be?' In his case I wonder if sneaking things out will increase anxiety, somehow he has to be involved in the process.

Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 13:03

It's not us buying the stuff, my DC are they only grandchildren on my side, my parents are divorced and remarried so there are 2 sets of grandparents on my side constantly buying even when we say no. My DH has three sisters with older children and they keep passing stuff down to us which is kind, but a pain! We asked people to stop and I intervene as much as possible (if I see a family member at the door with bags I usher DS upstairs so I can ditch it without him seeing it!). Unfortunately if he gets it in his grubby little hands it's a nightmare getting it away again!

OP posts:
Original poster
BellaGoth · 30/07/2017 13:06

annan yes anxiety is a real problem unfortunately, deadly combination with a good memory!

Last Christmas we asked family to buy him vouchers for his swimming lessons, which they kindly did, but then turned up with a gift or 5 as well "so he had something to open" Hmm

OP posts:
cansu · 30/07/2017 13:07

Remove some of the stuff. Pack it in boxes and store in case he gets upset. I have two with asd and this is what I do. If after a month no mention has been made of items you can get rid.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 30/07/2017 13:10

I would definitely de clutter without his involvement and if he asks for something I'd say something non committal and distract him.

Ouryve · 30/07/2017 13:18

Mil is like that. Ds2 has very little interest in presents and mostly likes his small plastic tat (he's laid claim to every Lego tyre that we own!) But she'll throw in a huge plastic truck which ends up getting tripped over so many times that it's trashed or she gets two of something because it wasn't a lot. Doesn't help there that sil has the expectation of big showy presents for DN.

I'm sure people would roll into the thread and insist that you should be grateful for the gp's generosity, but it's not truly generous if it's ignoring the problem they're causing.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 30/07/2017 13:24

Say to GPs how you'd love him to enjoy their present at their house.