How to get my husband to help out more round the house?

[WarwickAlice]

What works for you ladies? My DH is wonderful, but utterly bone idle. I've tried everything I can think of to get him to do more, but I still do the lion's share of the housework.

If I ask him to do something he will eventually do it, but after whingeing, whining and making stupid jokes that just continue like a broken record until the job is done. It wears me down, but he really doesn't get it.

Any ideas?

Hide the TV remote and/or games console controls, iPad etc and refuse to tell him where they are until he helps you.

Refuse to cook dinner

Don't wash any of his work clothes

Don't buy him any toiletries at the supermarket

Withhold sex

Enjoy!

Uh oh.

If he's bone idle and whinges then he doesn't sound wonderful to me.
Can you divide chores up between you?
Ask him why he thinks it's your responsibility to do everything?

In what way is he wonderful

Has he always been this way?

His mum has always done everything for him and his family when growing up, and I quite honestly think he just has no idea how much it takes to run a home. He will do things EVENTUALLY, and he sees that as being enough. He fails to realise that doing dishes 3 days after a meal, or hoovering only when it looks like we have a patterned carpet is not acceptable. And then it's the whingeing! I could put up with all of this if he'd just stop bloody whingeing. I don't think he realises how much I do for him, but I am certain it is just obliviousness and not malice. That said, I have told him a million times.

creature that's a good idea- i've never actually asked him outright. I'll do that :)

Don't ask him?!?! He lives in the house. You're not the bloody housekeeper. Sit down and agree jobs.

So he's a child and you're his mum

I've tried in the past 'going on strike', as it were, to try to show him how much I do. But then I just end up living in a tip with no clean underwear. I find myself sometimes just saying, "take the bins out please", rather than asking, but I then have to ride the wave of whingeing that follows, and sometimes I just can't be arsed to hear it and so do the job myself.

We had to have a horribly long drawn out process where we listed every task and then agreed how often they needed doing. Then we split them out.

That sounds like a good idea. I will write the tasks down then assign them fairly. Although I still don't think he'd do them, tbh. Before we were married we used to have screaming rows over the washing up. It was his job, but he never did it. We had mouldy, stinking shit in the kitchen every day. I now do the washing up.

He lives in the house. You're not the bloody housekeeper. Sit down and agree jobs.

^ this.

There are jobs, the jobs need to be split, split the jobs.

How you split them is up to you and what you both think is fair. But he's a grown-up and grown-ups sometimes have to do boring things.

WTF did you marry him then? Seriously?
Don't you assign them or he will just resent you and refuse. Agree them together. Like actual grown ups.

Dividing the chores might not work though if he's not doing it because he's bone idle. The first thing I'd do is stop doing things like his washing, you can still do your own so it's not affecting you. I know this isn't really a solution but it will be quite satisfying on the day where he gets up to get ready for work and he has no clean clothes

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LOVE YOU AND FIND YOU ATTRACTIVE AND WANT TO BE INTIMATE WITH YOU WHEN YOU TREAT ME LIKE YOUR MUM OR YOUR SERVANT? GROW THE FUCK UP OR FUCK THE FUCK OFF YOU MANCHILD.

As a whatsapp/FB status/in spaghetti on his side of the bed. Should get the message through.

Stop doing anything for him. Do your own washing dishes etc. There is no way in hell I'd live with a lazy shit like this. Sorry, but if he didn't get his arse in gear he'd be living on his own. or he could always go back to his mother 🙄

There's a clue in your title that anything he does in the house is to help you, rather than just sharing the necessary jobs. You can tell him operating a washing machine or changing bed clothes will not render him less of a man. And ironing can be enjoyable.

Firstly you need to reset your own mental processing of the housework - you shouldn't be getting him to 'help out' (who is he helping?!) He should be taking shares responsibility for the running of the household and contributing to the partnership. It sounds like he sees housework as wifework.

As PP said you are neither his mother nor his servant - ask him why on earth he expects you to behave as such.

My husband had everything done for him, his him would get up from eating to give him whatever he needed.

We've been married for 19 years, I worked full time and part time, changing my working routine to accommodate kids and husband routines. Our kids are aged 17, 16, 14 and 4

initially I ironed his clothes and took more care to take out the creases than I would have bothered with, he complained it wasn't ironed properly to which I said he can iron his own clothes. I haven't ironed his clothes since, which was 18 years ago. I'm not a great cook, but like the ironing he complained chicken over cooked or beef undecided, etc. I stopped making meat dishes and made yellow lentils/kidney beans every other day. For the past 15 years my husband has been cooking, I just prepare the salads.

Thanks ladies. I need to take a harder line with this. Thank you for pointing out that it's not 'helping me', it's more about sharing the jobs. I'd never thought of it like that, but of course that is obvious. I really want him to just do things gladly. I hate washing up too, but it just needs to be done. I wish he would just get the fuck on with it without me having to nag.

I will definitely try doing only my own washing and ironing- about 80% of it is his anyway!!

I suspect it comes across like I am a real pushover here, but this has never been acceptable to me, and I have tried quite a lot to change things. But when you are faced with someone who simply doesn't get it, I'm out of ideas. That's why I asked on here for advice

We're not all ladies!

Lol, I am sorry! No offence intended, but since this is Mumsnet I thought that was a fairly reasonable assumption!!

Before we were married we used to have screaming rows over the washing up. It was his job, but he never did it. We had mouldy, stinking shit in the kitchen every day. I now do the washing up.

This is why...he doesn't need to as you will always relent.

It was over a year before I relented, though. I persevered for ages :(