Hoarding and housework. Totally lost

[MedwayMumoffour]

I'm not really sure where my post belongs. I posted a while back about my abusive mum and hoarder dad. I have recently come to terms with the fact that my mum mentally and physically abused me. I have always known but for reason it's really hit me this year.

I have two disabled kids. One has severe asd and the other has a statement with complex needs.

I decided to go to the doctor about my hoarding this year. I had CBT but it only lasted five weeks. I have been put forward for more ongoing long term therapy but not sure yet if I meet criteria.

My house isnt really shockingly bad but it's very cluttered. I keep trying to sort but every time I do I feel even worse the next day as it gets cluttered up again by the kids.

It's like emptying the bath with a thimble while the tap is still running.

After asking for therapy, asking my Dh I feel even worse. I have had years of trying to get my son a statement, now my asd boy is going through the same thing and his EHCP is two months late.

I feel like I have been holding back the tide and it's all got too much now.

Everything is too much. The house is a tip, I can't get to my wardrobe to get clothes out. I tried to clear it but Dh was clearing up for a kids party and blocked it again! I told him last night I had cleared up and he came home, he looked at somewhere I hadn't touched and said it looked much better!

I feel worse than before I started to change

What's the point? I just can't see any way out of this despite trying everything I can think of.

I've been where you are. Before I had my son my house was filled to the gunnels with so much stuff I didn't know where to start. I'd do periodic tidy ups which was really just moving stuff from one place to another and not really getting rid. I have emotional attachment s to things as well. It took a good few goes to really sort the crap out and has taken me the best part of 2 years to really appreciate how far I've come. I grew up surrounded by clutter and both my patents kept things just in case. But what brought it home was my partner pleading with me to just let it go as he felt by keeping all my stuff I was pushing everyone out. (Including my son) our house is tiny anyway so it did have a impact. Things that helped was to freecycle as much as I could, I donated to the bhf as they collect and I tried not to buy any new unless I really really needed it. My partner helped by helping me clear the big bits like old chest of drawers, bookcases etc and he helped me by burning paperwork and sorting it. If you have a partner I would expect him to help. If not the point of it didn't get like that overnight is very true but bite the bullet do something anything a start is all it takes and I do hope you get the stress free space you need.

My house can get cluttered and messy if I have a lot on (I share care of two disabled relatives and am a single parent with 1 f/t and 1 p/t job, things can get hectic)

I've had a new rule in place since New Year. Anyone who is physically able (i.e older than 2) must do 30 minutes of cleaning or tidying per day, including the 7yo.

Even just small things like hanging up washing, organising your shoe cupboard, tidying your toy box etc.

Half an hour per day x however many people over the age of 2 in your house adds up a lot.

My eldest is ( if in the mood) quite ok with tidying. He moans a fair bit but I can say load / unload this dishwasher and he doesn't need supervising he just cracks on. However my eight year old ( with Sen) is fairly useless. He needs everything explaining at least three times and will then cock it up. He's got DCD. So memory and co ordination is out the window. I'm worried he might grow up to be like me. I think I could get him to tidy with me sharing a job. Then he can watch and learn.

I do need to give both the eldest jobs to do. I could ask the toddlers to put toys in bucket before nap and school run ( not sure they will but it's worth a try as if I said food is in the kitchen they can both respond to that ok I will start that tomorrow.

I have disinfected the floor tonight. Dh has pulled furniture out, hoovered, washed up. Washing is on. Bet it will be a tip by 9am

I could endlessly "churn" my hoard. That in itself is soul destroying. You think your being good but in reality your just going round the hamster wheel

I'm in Medway. I could help a bit if you live . I've got an autistic son too. Pm me if you are interested

Mine don't get a choice. Your thirty minutes start when I tell you and do not stop until I tell you. If you haven't achieved thirty minutes worth of cleaning in this time then you keep going until you have.

The first six weeks were a constant battle, mainly with DC2, DC1 accepted it a lot quicker, now they just get on with it. They make less mess generally too because they know they'll have to sort it themselves.

My youngest rotates the following tasks, depending what needs doing the most:

Vacuuming the bedrooms or downstairs
Re organising toys, biggest at the bottom and bin any you don't use anymore
Re organise clothes, binning any you don't wear anymore
Wipe down walls, skirting boards, surfaces throughout the upstairs or downstairs
vac and mop kitchen and wipe down counters
general rubbish run (get a black bag, go around the house filling it, don't stop until the bag is at least half full)
Take tins etc out of cupboards and clean inside cupboard (one cupboard at a time)
Pair up odd socks
Out of place hunt (go around the house looking for things in places those things should not be and put them away)

One thing I found most helpful is getting them to sort their own clothes. They donated a lot more than I would have done. They know what they like wearing, there's no point keeping things they don't wear.

Thanks for the offer I would love to buddy up but I moved to Surrey from Medway a fair few years ago.

My second eldest volunteered to tidy up as soon as he got home today! Good idea about them giving clothes to charity

Good news about the second eldest volunteering to pitch in and I agree to let them sort out their stuff, my daughter enjoys a good clear out of outgrown clothes now she understands that other people can benefit from them.
Did you get anything else done today?

No not much done today. I have tried to list a few of Dd nicest outgrown things on eBay. I only made beds and put a wash on. No washing up needed doing and had someone from the local family service turn up. They are going to take me on for 12 weeks and do a TAF meeting. Amazingly she can also help me physically help with my clutter! I was refered when I asked the disabilty team of socail services for help / respite ( socail services can't help me - Ds didnt meet their their criteria as too young) but it's now I need the respite to clear up. Hopefully once he starts school I can cope better. Hopefully this will be a kick start as I don't know this lady. She works for the council so I'm going to feel more inclined to throw out for her than my mate ( I will feel more stupid hanging onto baby vests with a stranger). She said she can help me access the tip! I have to make the most of her short block of help. It's limited to three months.

I will do a pile of dd clothes tonight as that's a big mess in the hall.

Any ideas how I can maximise this help? I'd love to be able to say in three months I'm no longer a hoarder, just have a slightly cluttered house but back in normal ranges ( if up near the messer end of normal - I have to be realistic)

Should I do a area a week with her? Get her kick start me in each room then I continue to work on that area until she comes back the next week?

There are two ways of doing this

First my preferred is - one room at a time - so you don't leave until it's done - all polished vacuumed tidy etc

Or you do a jobs list -

All rubbish we cleared - all washing brought down etc - this method means only each room is partly cleared and you see no improvement for a lot of effort!

Start with the kitchen cupboards because it's easy to know what to keep and what needs throwing -

How much is there that you think you could let go of? 10 bin bags or 100?
If you have the money do you think you would be able to get a skip for when the helper comes and just really go for it for a couple of days?
I think the problem lots of people have is they bag stuff up and think they will take it to the charity shop next week, or to the tip next week, but by the time next week comes most of the stuff has ended up reabsorbed back into the house.
To do it all at once would be hard work and it may well be too much emotionally but if you could manage it you could be done in a few days

Also - I get given things - these are things I pass on - because someone would be grateful - if you don't know anyone put it on the lawn as a give away -

Stuff I've brought I'm happy to sell on

Stuff that's had it - bin

Get a box per child for memories - that's it - one box each -

You can do loads in three months if you get focused and it sounds like you are, also it gets easier the more you do. Like on those hoarder programs, lots of them are hoying everything in the skip at the end!!

I think you have to be very realistic about eBay, if you have loads it's going to eat into time you could be using for sorting. Only use short listings and after one attempt it has to go to the charity shop. Luckily I have someone in real need who I can pass on my dd's nice things to, it makes it really easy when I know they will be appreciated and well used.

Everything else I have just been dong the charity shop. I think about 10 bags have gone as well as about 20 rag bags (mostly old curtains and I was brutal with myself when doing bed linen).

However we really need to get to the dump, DH makes a big deal of it so I think I have to start going on my own and only roping him in if it is too heavy for me.

Landing is half done now. Three things for charity ( not nearly enough) I tend to shuffle things about them get rid after three passes. Or I get rid first time if in the right mindset.

Seven things on eBay. If they don't sell nothing will as its JoJo, Next expensive to buy new items.

Hopefully this is a turning point. Still feeling motivated that I can try again. I don't have any options left now really. No one is coming along to save me, I need to save myself. Just need to catch up on sleep some how and crack on

Great news you can access help, brilliant. Harness your motivation today to get rid of the obvious maybe, the tatty and broken. I often put large items outside for anyone to take (always works round my way, outgrown scooters/bikes, garden toys, furniture) otherwise they go to the tip if not taken.
I had to persuade my OH today that we need to get rid of some tiles, they have been in the cupboard for 3 years, he argued they were expensive, I pointed out they are not making us money being stuck in a cupboard, we have nobody to give them to so they are just taking up a space. Same with the tins of paint filling an entire kitchen cupboard, why keep them?
Do you live near a charity shop? If you can't sell your stuff quickly on ebay (or FB) then realise that somebody else will be thrilled with them and you are doing good. Have a good day, I am so pleased extra help is available to you.

Hi Medway, just wanted to say very well done. My Dad was a hoarder then got dementia and i am still trying to de clutter his home because my bro lives there and is something of a hoarder himself. Much as i have been tempted to call in the house clearance people and get all the s* cleared out. I know I am best off getting bro's cooperation. He is attached to a lot of the stuff in the house, I am not. When we discuss items together in advance I have found to my relief he agrees to quite a lot of stuff going to the tip. I have booked a week off in April to go down there and rent a car for more trips to the dump.
This is all to say I know this is difficult, but so necessary, just think you will be in control of the stuff, not the other way round. Keep cracking on!

Grumpy I sold a load of tiles I hadn't used on ebay (buyer collects). Now is a good time of year to do it, people get into DIY around Easter.

I had to go through my dads stuff after he died. We was looking for a will, he said he had one but we never found it. The week after he died we threw out tons of his stuff which was both a good way to keep busy and also made us very angry.

I have put as much as I can free list on eBay to test the water.

Had lots of sleep today. Tomorrow is a brisk walk and Monday in child free and packing up for my first charity run.

I can get some big items into the loft and things are a bit clearer. I'm not going to meet hoarding criteria by September I'm determined.

Personally I think a lot of hoarding is about bereavement and not being able to accept that everything including the ones we love, and ourselves, are transient. My Dad's parents lived in South Africa, when they died his sister had a load of stuff shipped to him, it's all in his 2 garages which now look like something out of a horror movie. The ashes of his sister are in there, his parents' and grandmother's ashes are in the living room. He never got round to scattering them and the job will fall to me. I can understand your feeling of anger when having to deal with someone else's failure to take necessary decisions. There is so much stuff around and my belief is we literally have to defend ourselves from it or it takes over. I now aim to keep the stuff that is meaningful and enhances my life, and get rid of the rest.

I was 32 weeks pregnant with my dads first grandchild when my dad died. It was sudden and unexpected. Two weeks later I was admitted to hospital with pre eclampsia and gave birth early to a rather tiny baby.

I think I should have had councilling then. If I don't meet the criteria for councilling now I'm just going to try to build up my resilience.

I just want to be called a hoarder. If I stop buying more than goes out and I do a massive throw out its staying that way. I'm aiming to do a big keepsake box for each child. That ultimately will be all I keep. I can go through what makes it into the keep box as my last stage.

So my aim is 1) clear areas one at time until every room comes back to being fully functional. Things out and harder bits in the loft. 2) try to apply Kondo once I have control back! 3) do 1 & 2 by September 4) go through the loft aiming to only have four boxes - one for each child.

Then by Christmas I should be done to normality levels.

I can do that right?

I mean I don't want to be called a hoarder any more. It's only something that people have mentioned in the last 12 months so it's possible to leave that "lable" behind me. I don't want to be buried under 10,000 tin cans and 26 cats by the time I turn 45

You seem focused - keep that imagine in your head - keep saying it.

It will get worse before it gets better - little and often is the way to go!

Is DH onboard?

You're doing really well OP. Maybe I've missed it but who has labelled you as a hoarder? Other than the sideways walk through your bedroom (been there!) your house doesn't sound too bad from what you say - no cats and no stockpiling, just family mess.

You can get this under control, its clear that you have a plan and you are on with it. The only thing that I might suggest doing differently is not putting too much stuff in the loft. My house is almost totally Kondoed (I'll be doing a second round of kondoing to reduce things even further), but I haven't touched the loft and just thinking about all the stuff up there gives me a headache. I want it out of the house, not literally lurking over my head.

And I won't mention the garage that was cleared last summer with a skip and then refilled by DH!

Deciding you don't want to be a hoarder is a huge step ahead. Also you seem to have insight. Having read around the topic and observed my dad and bro I know one of the pitfalls is deferring decisions, putting stuff in a holding place which then becomes a permanent situation. It will feel brutal but stuff really has to be moved on. The loft is a pitfall, my bro started shifting stuff from the garage to the loft when we were trying to clear stuff to make way for home adaptations to dad, I feared it was going to cave in and fall through.

No one has diagnosed me as a hoarder. My home start co ordinator said I was and its just stuck with me since.

I have looked up diagnosis criteria ( in American terms as I don't think it's a proper condition in the uk?) and I don't really feel I meet the criteria on the room functionality front. The kids can play on their bedroom floors. Everyone's bed is totally clear. My stairs are clear. Living room has a mound at one end of the sofa ( two packing boxes of crafts I rarely do) and toys everywhere, some kids clothes on the back of the sofa ( maybe ten items on adverage floating about at any time). Floor is cleared, Hoover and stream cleaned daily. Kitchen is tiny and I have one foot of counter top clear. But we cook from scratch most days still. Dinning room is a bomb site. You can walk through it but it's rammed. Bathroom is clear. Downstairs loo is clear but cluttered. Loft is rammed but I never go up there. I tell Dh to stuff it full we eat at the table but that's something that fills up a lot. It's rarely more than 50% clear

I went to a hoarding group and the people there had garages and five storage units. They was throwing out one item a month. I don't think I'm like that but maybe that denial? If you walked my house you would think it badly cluttered. You would be shocked by the dining room, but with four kids in three bed house you would could excuse most of it.

I have one broken toy in garden but it was being played with last year. Big front garden totally clear. No rubbish or broken furniture or anything out of place in either front or back garden.

Of course family life comes with a lot of stuff and it's a challenge keeping it all under control. There are always people who are worse hoarders! My only advice is to keep on being aware of your stuff and trying to keep it under control, and it sounds like you are making good progress.